IVF or am I being rash?

[FakeMiddleton]

Hi All,

Trying to keep this succinct and would welcome thoughts on whether to just go for IVF now or chill out

• I'm 37, partner is 39;
• trying for 4 months, timed to ovulation:
• I've got loads of follicles, textbook uterus and hormone levels etc:
• he has 2% morphology albeit 5x reference range of sperm. Doctor has said IUI would be pointless and if we did do IVF, would have to be ICSI:
• I really don't want a summer baby which means being pregnant no later than early Sept;
• I'm also struggling to cope at work especially every time my period shows up and we are comfortable financially for me to never come back after mat leave. I detest my job and the toxic culture won't be changing;
• we would like two kids so can't hang around too long to get pregnant with the second;
• paying for IVF will not be an issue;
• we would also do genetic testing in IVF so that somewhat combats the risk of miscarriage if I were to get pregnant naturally this summer

Partner would prefer to try naturally for 3 more months and if no joy, straight to IVF in January. But he is cognisant of my feelings and is happy to do iVF now if it's what I want.

So, I guess it boils down to: chances of getting pregnant next three cycles

I'm just so desperate for a baby

Central London

No. Didn't say that.

Something I found during 6 years of fertility treatment was that some things which mattered to me at the beginning, mattered less as time went on. I suspect you may find this about the summer baby thing, if your journey ends up on the longer side. Which is not to say you are 'wrong' to feel that way now, but things might change.

In terms of the mindfuck thing, it's hard to describe but however focused on trying to conceive you've been up to this point, IVF dials up, and up, and up. It's a constant rollercoaster of waiting, information (often depressing), more waiting, more information, while slamming into some quite impressive hormonal u-turns.

One upside to IVF, if you find that you do need it, is that you could potentially bank some embryos for future use, which could be a good thing since you'd like to have 2. I would probably hold off a bit longer before taking the plunge, and if you're uncertain about your clinic you could investigate what other options you might have.

@Sunnysummer24 wow glad I went through IVF to have my son blissfully unaware of how increased the risks are. He was low birthweight but thankfully absolutely fine, as am I (appreciate this is luck and could just have easily not been the case!)

Thanks @Persipan. That's the thing - I totally get the "I've been through years of losses and IVF. I EVENTUALLY didn't care about a summer baby"... I haven't had to go through that yet, so I'm not in that more relaxed take-what-I-can-get phase yet.

I've got an appt with the doctor on Weds and can continue with the drugs starting on the 31st, or just pull out. Still unsure

Er, you literally said: "Your risk of Downs is 1/5, don't want one badly enough. You are in debt and unemployed and worried about having a baby, don't want one badly enough.

It's how I feel about a summer baby."

Knowing what I do about PGT-A and risk of miscarriage over 35 and that being due to genetic abnormalities, and with your partners results. I would totally go for ICSI IVF and PGT-A.
go abroad. Spain, Greece or Czech Republic. So much cheaper, you can start straight away, good results and you can try naturally in the mean time. But it’s easy to do abroad despite the travel. Non of the headache of the uk clinics not responding and it’s instant response to any questions not a “make an appointment on 4weeks”.

I wouldn't be concerned about a summer baby, if you're in England you can just send them to reception the term after they turn 5 if you think that's best. That's what we've done with DC1 and they're thriving in reception. I'm actually slightly disappointed that DC3 is going to be autumn baby like DC2 as having a summer baby is so much nicer when they're newborns. Much easier to go for walks to clear your head with the nicer weather, more visitors for help and company as everyone isn't ill with autumn viruses, baby less likely to get unwell, easier to keep on top of laundry as everyone is wearing less and so on. Autumn baby was a grim situation as a newborn tbh but it took us longer to conceive DC3.

Also as people have said, not conceiving in 4 months is so normal! It took us 5 months to conceive DC1, 4 for DC2 and 6 for DC3 and we were a lot younger than you, especially the first two.

You do realise that IVF has a huge number of variables that mean timing is not guaranteed? I had no known fertility issues and DH's sperm was fine (apart from having had the snip and needing his sperm removed the hard way), we produced good embryos each time but they just didn't embed and it took 3 rounds to get pregnant. I think I started in November and it took 11 months to get pregnant. Maybe your value judgments will shift if you find IVF if less about being able to control the uncontrollable and more about having a healthy baby at the end of the process.

@mileenderr - what you quoted isn't all I said though is it? My point, as I already explained, is that me being scared about a summer baby is very real TO ME. My feelings are VALID. If I'd come on and said I had a fear about anything else deemed "more acceptable", nobody would have blinked.

What I did say, opposite to what you've inferred, is there is no tanking of "fears that are more legitimate". It's nobody's place to judge someone else's fear.

Thanks for the de-rail though.

@HolidayHappy123 - thank you for your post. Honestly, in a word, no... I don't know how many variables there are. I feel very panicked and rushed and blind, hence why I started this post. I'm trying to learn

For those who have said you can defer from eg a June onwards baby, thank you. No, I didn't know that. I thought the only flex was in a mid August baby onwards

Sorry; but if you are 'so desperate' for a baby, why an earth would you put ttc on hold to avoid a summer born?

I don't mean to be offensive but these things really can't be planned with such precision on dates!

This is also mildly offensive to those with summer borns too, don't you think?

Also, why is your job of any relevance to if you go for ivf? Unless I am missing something?

10000 percent this!

If you’re worried about a summer born you could always move to N.I where they are the eldest.
Or Scotland- mid year age!

Sorry to be graphic OP but are you more worried about having a summer baby than you are about:

• Being pumped with hormones
• Risk of ovarian hyperstimulation and ending up in A&E in the middle of the night (as I did twice despite being a healthy young woman) in immense pain
• Needles being put into your ovaries
• Generally being incredibly uncomfortable and feeling like you are carrying two massive water balloons in your ovaries until they put said needles in to remove them
• Injecting yourself in the stomach/ leg - some of the injections are unpleasant and cause your skin to itch and burn

Come on, OP. You need to get real about what it is you are getting into here.

@IVFveteran - tbh, only your second bullet gives me concern. The rest is have no issue with (especially if I'm not working). However, your username and knowledge is not lost on me

I'm sorry if it came across that way. I'm not trying to derail your thread. We all have irrational fears, but I don't think it's always helpful for other people to validate it them.
I don't doubt that you are scared of having a summer born baby, or anxious because you've been TTC for a few months, and those feelings are totally valid. But I don't think it's unhelpful to get an outside perspective on those feelings. Just because you feel it, it doesn't make it legitimate - it really isn't equivalent in any way to the fear of finding out your baby is at risk of a life-limiting condition.

@mileenderr - no, I'm not asking for validation. I'm asking that if people don't think a summer baby is a big deal to say it, and say it without "omfg OP" or "wow" in some judgy AF tones or "pah! You don't even know fertility concerns because you haven't even had a miscarriage" or conflating what I said with their own value judgments/acting like I said a summer baby is akin to one with Downs.

You sound like a lot of my friends, OP: highly-educated, professional, high-achieving, and used to exerting a high level of control over your life. For a lot of them, realising that they had relatively little control over their fertility was a dreadful shock and many of them tried to cope by micro-managing expensive and complex courses of treatment.

You already sound under a lot of pressure, partly from your workplace and partly self-inflicted. Gently, adding the rollercoaster of IVF into the mix is only going to make this worse. I am not going to give you a glib line about just relaxing but I do strongly recommend that you begin a process of acceptance that you will not be able to exercise the same level of control over conception, pregnancy, birth, or parenthood that you have previously enjoyed, and that you try to make pragmatic decisions from this baseline. I wish you the best

Maybe the ARGC or the Lister worth investigating OP if you do go for it.

I mean it's up to you but I just think you are bonkers, and I think the reason the others don't concern you is because you haven't been through it yet.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and most people you talk to who have had IVF (a few on this thread) will tell you the same. You don't even know if it's necessary for you, and also, it might not even work (many cycles don't, just like when you are trying naturally).

Anyway, you have all the tools to inform yourself and will make your own choice.

OP your concerns are your concerns and they are valid.

But I think some posters are just shocked because any disadvantages you could possibly experience from having a summer baby pale into insignificance in comparison to what you are talking about when you talk about going through IVF.

If you think otherwise then you don't have a very realistic idea of what IVF entails, including the potential risk to yourself, your body, your health, and the baby.

There is also no guarantee that IVF will work any faster than natural conception. It's not like you have IVF and that allows you to be pregnant exactly when you want to be. That's simply not how it works.

It can still take a while to have a successful round, even for a woman with normal fertility. If you start IVF now and have a couple of unsuccessful rounds, combined with allowing your body to recover in between, you could be looking at a summer baby anyway (but you'll be £10,000's out of pocket and potentially with some physical and mental scars to boot).

Thank you, @WitchWithoutChips - and also for acknowledging the glib throwaways 😊

@Inyournewdress - I've got a consultation with ARGC next week. Sort of as a second opinion, albeit was booked at the same time as my initial appt with HSFC, but now definitely using it as a barometer/to calibrate against HSFC's gung-ho positivity.

@IVFveteran - also thank you for your advice, and also to others who have detailed their experiences of IVF.

I'm going to gather more information during my Wednesday appt and see if that swings if either way.