IVF or am I being rash?

[FakeMiddleton]

Hi All,

Trying to keep this succinct and would welcome thoughts on whether to just go for IVF now or chill out

• I'm 37, partner is 39;
• trying for 4 months, timed to ovulation:
• I've got loads of follicles, textbook uterus and hormone levels etc:
• he has 2% morphology albeit 5x reference range of sperm. Doctor has said IUI would be pointless and if we did do IVF, would have to be ICSI:
• I really don't want a summer baby which means being pregnant no later than early Sept;
• I'm also struggling to cope at work especially every time my period shows up and we are comfortable financially for me to never come back after mat leave. I detest my job and the toxic culture won't be changing;
• we would like two kids so can't hang around too long to get pregnant with the second;
• paying for IVF will not be an issue;
• we would also do genetic testing in IVF so that somewhat combats the risk of miscarriage if I were to get pregnant naturally this summer

Partner would prefer to try naturally for 3 more months and if no joy, straight to IVF in January. But he is cognisant of my feelings and is happy to do iVF now if it's what I want.

So, I guess it boils down to: chances of getting pregnant next three cycles

I'm just so desperate for a baby

With respect, that is a value judgment. Where does it end - you're single and won't have a baby by sperm donor? Don't want one badly enough. Your risk of Downs is 1/5, don't want one badly enough. You are in debt and unemployed and worried about having a baby, don't want one badly enough.

It's how I feel about a summer baby. It's what was engrained in me. DH doesn't care but he's been very successful and so have I. He's never seen the other side of the coin. It's surely natural to want to give your own child the best statistical chance in life?

@pjparty - she recommended Proxeed and Impryl.

DH's lifestyle is as good as it could be - exercises every day, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, great diet. I'm wondering how much supplements can actually help the morphology - as in, what's the ceiling? If the ceiling is adding 2% to get 4%, that's still not great. Dr also dismisses the other readings ie he's got 5 times the amount of sperm of the average male...so surely the 2% is actually more like 10%?

Did you do the genetic testing on your embryos? Was it worth it or did you consider it a waste of time?

I worry about the summer baby thing because, at most, the child is 11 months less physically and mentally developed than someone else in his or her year. How is that not a disadvantage? I really wish I didn't care, but it's just something that I reflex away from

I would get the ball rolling on IVF - even if going private and called the clinic today I can pretty much guarantee you will still get those next three cycles before you start your ivf cycle due to testing/ scans/ consultations etc

Then it's up to you but if you are set on trying to time things....you could do a fresh cycle in autumn and freeze any embryos for next year...

But to add....ivf is brutal. The emotional rollercoaster of Ttc month to month is just heightened by a million so extra support / counselling etc will be a great idea when dealing with toxic work at the same time!

Good luck!

No, no genetic testing.

But my successful pregnancy didn't come from IVF. It came out of the blue. I thought I'd hit the menopause 😁

Once I was pregnant they calculated my risk of downs as 1:25 so I was tested for that but all clear.

@sobermum23 - our clinic can start me on the noristherone etc on the 31st May...

In a way, I wish they couldn't as then the decision is made for me. They were super quick - had the scans and tests on the 20th, follow up 4 days later and assuming no viral load on the semen they are still culturing, they can embryo transfer in July.

Oh gotcha - well my instinct would be go for it but because it took me years so would just want to get on with it! Just like trying naturally it could work or it could be the start of a long journey....if you feel emotionally ready and financially able to. Of course you may get pregnant next month naturally but you never know!
(Am aware this is not helpful!)

You're comparing wanting a baby born in a specific month with a difficult choice about Downs? About a choice to use the sperm of a stranger and all of the moral/ethical concerned about that? About not having the means to support oneself? Wow.

@Numbbrain1 - no, I'm not. I'm trying to make the point that all feelings are valid and to say "oh well, your feeling on X means you don't have the moral superiority of wanting a baby that much" is actually pretty horrible when the OP, me, is obviously going through it and dealing with enough

@sobermum23 - no, thank you! That was helpful - it's just reassuring to hear someone else seeing pros and cons in the options. I feel quite paralysed with not knowing what decision to make and being on the fence when others are so black or white.

I wouldn't do genetic testing unless you have a couple of miscarriages or negatives from your IVF cycles. You could risk losing healthy embryos.

TTC is not an easy journey. It took me and my partner 2 years. I'm 32 and he's 33. I am now 21 weeks.
I personally wouldn't hang about to start ivf. But bare in mind it is not easy on your body or mind.
The summer baby thing I honestly don't get. Personally. I have one child who is the oldest in class and one child who is the youngest. Both are exactly on target with school grades. If you feel your child would have a disadvantage from being the youngest in class you can defer their start date for a year. Its an option.

It took me six years to get pregnant. In the kindest way possible, 4 months is absolutely nothing. IVF is not a miracle treatment you turn up to a clinic for and just ‘get pregnant’. I did 4 cycles myself, all of which failed. I spent £30k. The mental trauma that comes with IVF is very difficult to explain if you haven’t been through it. None of my friends understand, they can’t. People have counselling through fertility treatment and for good reason. I’d be amazed if any clinic even offered it to you after trying for such a small amount of time!

Thanks @Louise0808 - would you mind giving any details on why IVF took two years? The way our results have gone are that I'm all good, great levels blah blah blah but it's his sperm. IVF doctor was very confident in saying she saw no issue in me being pregnant by September, so I'm wondering what factors make IVF less successful for others eg if it's sheer luck, womb infrastructure or something else in the mother etc etc

Yes my August is more immature than most of her peers but she is top of her class for learning. Someone has to be the youngest. At the time of the cycle for her I didn't care about a potential birth date. I just wanted a baby.

Your comparison to Downs is just ..weird. Being born in summer doesn't mean you are unhealthy or unintelligent. Being born with Downs can mean multiple disabilities like heart issues, early onset dementia, short life expectancy. I can understand if people don't want that.

You have only been trying four months. Some of us were trying for years. You will find after trying for several years that when your baby is born is very insignificant!

I found ivf to be a complete emotional head fuck, so would avoid it if there was any alternative available.

My DH had a lower speed count so before our only round of ivf we followed a fertility boosting diet - his low sperm count went to fantastic on it (sperm take 90 days to make from memory) and his was so unexpected the clinic made him repeat the test in case there’d somehow been a mix up. We also had genetic blood testing pre ivf as there was a package that would’ve screened the embryos if needed.

Personally, I’d start with the sperm diet and genetic screening of yourselves whilst continuing trying to conceive then move to ivf if you’ve not conceived naturally in that time so you’re in the best position you can be for a successful round.

Thanks @MuchTooTired - in what way was it a headfuck for you? I only have one acquaintance who has had IVF so apologies if I'm ignorant or insensitive. She said the physical side was fine for her but she was losing her sanity. With IVF, is this because it's the disappointment of getting your period and the hope rollercoaster x 1000000 or something else?

If work is that bad, give it up now. Trying to do IVF while working in a toxic environment would be like trying to put your shoes on while standing on a bed of spikes.

I know right, people with real fertility issues are rarely bothered by the idea of summer babies / Christmas babies etc. 4 months is no time at all! You are massively jumping the gun with this. IVF is no walk in the park and doesn’t even guarantee success anyway

Not to be mean but I think you have bigger problems than not wanting a summer baby. You sound very full on. Having and raising a child is a lot of work. It seems like you want to get pregnant asap to give up work. Have you a good support system around you if you do have a baby? The early months/years of child rearing can be incredibly intense and lonely at times.

@TruthorDie - yes, no walk in the park...so if someone is already considering it with no "real fertility issues" maybe that tells you something about their mental state.

You're on a board with a real person who has real feelings and is really freaking out. Please be empathetic in your posts or please just don't post at all.

You have no idea what my issues could be nor how very very real I consider them, even if you don't

IVF is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve done some hard things. Not at all the physical side, though that’s INSANE.

It’s the headfuck. You think you’re insane now after four natural cycles? You have no idea how IVF will take that and times it by XXXXXXXXXXXXX.

(I spent £25k, did three cycles, lost four IVF babies and nearly died of a traumatic ectopic. My miracle baby came naturally but I would have kept going until I literally died. No regrets but it’s not even for a minute the quick magic bullet you think it is).

No, I could give up work today if I wanted

It's not an excuse to give up work

I don't think it sounds like there is an issue as morphology is often very low. Agree that when it works it normally happens quickly but at 37 it would also be normal for it to take a little bit longer, so would definitely give it a few morn months.

Also....IVF really is no magic bullet, it's expensive, emotionally and physically draining and often the eggs are crap quality because of all the hormones etc. Keep trying, keep fingers crossed and forget about which month any potential child will be born in, many people don't have the luxury of choice! Odds are that it will happen at some point in the not too distant future.

I wasn't allowed ivf as I have an extremely high egg reserve and there was a risk of my ovaries over responding to the medication. Which I was aware is one reason they won't follow through with ivf if that happens. So we were left to struggle naturally, which battered our emotions. I had 6 losses in 2 years. I know a couple who had to wait until mid 30's to start ivf and it was brutal on them both. Only to find the day off egg retrieval that she had no eggs :(. So with what I went through and what my friends went through, I personally would start it sooner rather than later. Why wait? If it's an option. My friends had to wait through the nhs and it took far too long, so if you're able to pay for it privately that is even better. Unless you've had miscarraiges I wouldn't worry about genetic testing. Even with my multiple miscarraiges and doctors saying they would have most likely had genetic issues they haven't worried about this baby im carrying. I've done screening for certain things because of age but that's it. Its all down to what you want. If you think the chances of naturally conceiving are low then go for it. If I was given the option of ivf and it had a higher success rate for me I would have 100% started it within the first year of TTC.