Grad thread: TTC after loss carry on

[Wise0wl]

Hello all,

I just thought I'd set up a grad thread from our TTC threads, now there are quite a few people with their bfps so that we can keep in touch, and there's a forum for those on their TTC journey to check in with us!

I've sifted through the previous threads so think this is a reasonably full list:

*@SnookyPook
*@wyto
*@Aaliyahrae
*@SunSparkle
*@graceinc22
*@Gem0302
*@Bali200
*@Oxalis00
*@GeorgeR28
*@CluelessInLondon
*@HerbaceousPerennial
*@NphysT
*@GoldDustWoman90

I'd love to hear where you all are in your journey. I am approx 4 +2 (so very early!), after two MMCs. Feeling remarkably relaxed as, although I like a plan, I've resigned myself to the fact that there's little I can do to alter the fate of this pregnancy so until later down the line, I just sort of have to roll with it.

@CluelessInLondon completely get that. I rang my community midwife team the week of my 20wk scan and they offered me a listen in with the Doppler the day before my scan so I didn't have to go in fearing there was no heartbeat. It's so horrible that the anxiety is still so heightened after loss but we are scarred unfortunately. My team have been so reassuring and helpful with any anxiety. It might be worth giving yours a call and seeing if they can offer a quick listen-in for reassurance? X

@SnookyPook I don't think I am as lucky as you are with the midwifery team! I wouldn't even know who to call - the community midwives don't answer the phone and do all of their communicating by text, and it took me over 2 weeks of chasing them just to get my 16 week appointment confirmed because they booked it for 20 weeks by mistake and then didn't notice it was scheduled incorrectly even when I questioned it! I wouldn't want to bother maternity triage about it either as there's nothing specifically wrong - it just sort of feels as though the whole system is geared towards everything being fine and feeling confident that there's nothing wrong, and the reality isn't like that at all.

@CluelessInLondon I am so sorry you’re anxious, it’s completely understandable with such a long wait between appointments. With my first pregnancy I had a scan at 16 weeks to break it up a bit, because you’re right until you feel movements there just feels like there’s such a big gap. I agree with @SnookyPook, perhaps you could check in with your midwife and see if they can see you? X

Catching up on your reply to Snooky @CluelessInLondon - I find it bizarre how different maternity services are (eg I see the same people in EPU but even in my first successful pregnancy actually never met my names midwife!) would you consider a private scan for an update and to help bridge the gap?

@Wise0wl We had a chat yesterday about whether or not to book a private scan - we had agreed previously that we didn't want to waste money on private scans and I wanted to avoid falling into the trap of constantly feeling like I need another scan for reassurance, but my husband suggested it as he's worried about me. We wouldn't be able to do one before Friday at the earliest because of his work though, and by then we're only just over a week from the anomaly scan and it seems a bit daft having one so close to the one that's already scheduled! I think it's more about finding coping strategies to manage the anxiety, which would be more beneficial for the rest of the pregnancy too. It's difficult to know where to start because whilst I'm a natural worrier, I'm also quite a good problem solver so ordinarily once I've got the worry about something out of my system I focus on what I can do to fix it - I'm not a naturally anxious person and I'm not used to having problems I can't easily tackle from a practical perspective and do something to solve them.

You're right too about the inconsistency in different maternity services - even at my hospital, the difference between the EGU and the midwifery team is night and day. The EGU are absolutely amazing, they were so kind and supportive when I had my miscarriage and were again when I had my early scans in this pregnancy, the midwives just come across as box-tickers and their service can't even get basic things like appointment bookings right.

@CluelessInLondon that's such a shame your community midwives are so rubbish. I find it so bad as well how varied the care can be from one place to another. It does sound like I'm very lucky with the service in my area. I'm sorry that not everyone gets a similar experience. It is hard to navigate the anxiety - there is just no easy way through is there other than keep plodding on and gradually tick those days off. If you think you can manage that up to the anomaly scan then fine, but there really is no shame in getting an extra scan beforehand, even if it's within a week of the anomaly one. Just do whatever you need to get through. 💗

How are you feeling @CluelessInLondon? I hope the anxiety has eased a little.

I’m feeling very anxious, I can’t get it out my
head that I’ve had another MMC and am convinced my symptoms have lessened since my scan last Wednesday. I’ve not really had any pink spotting since then which is good, just general mild crampiness, less sore boobs, I think I have less morning sickness (but lots of food aversion and nausea in the evenings), and a little bit of brown spotting this morning when I wiped. The constant analysis of symptoms and second guessing whether anything means anything is exhausting!

@Wise0wl oh it's just horrible isn't it. Just remember that you're on hyperalert because you've reached the gestation where it all went wrong last time. It's absolutely understandable... But this is a new pregnancy, on it's own trajectory. Little one has no clue when your last one stopped developing. If you're really really anxious, could you big up the brown spotting and see if epu will get you back in earlier for your next scan? They did say to go back didn't they? There really is no easy way through other than to keep looking ahead and hoping for the best. 💕🌈🙏🏼

@Wise0wl Thanks for the check-in. ❤ I'm doing a bit better today, still not feeling terribly confident about how things are going but the anxiety has lessened compared with the last couple of days.

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so anxious right now - pregnancy after loss is so tough to navigate (it messed with my head so much in the first trimester that I was feeling happy to be pregnant again at the same time as feeling convinced it was going to go wrong). The symptoms could just be coming and going - you might wake up tomorrow and they are back with full force. With the spotting could you see if you can bring your next scan forward a bit?

@CluelessInLondon @Wise0wl I'm sorry you're both feeling so anxious. I'm feeling the same today, it's horrible isn't it? I feel like I'm constantly having to do extreme mental gymnastics to keep myself from freaking out.

@Wise0wl like the others have said, can you phone the EPU for another scan?

@CluelessInLondon when is your next scan?

@SnookyPook how are you getting on?

@Bugdem123 At least we are all being anxious together - I'd rather none of us felt like this, but I take some comfort from not feeling alone in it, it feels like safety in numbers almost! My next scan is a week on Saturday - I'm really hoping that I'll feel some movement before then (I'm on constant alert and keep thinking I've felt something but I think I'm kidding myself!). I know that once I feel movement it will give me a new thing to stress out about, but at least for the time being it will tell me that baby is in there doing its thing.

@CluelessInLondon @Bugdem123 it’s a horrible club to be in but I’m glad not to be the only one who’s feeling a bit all over the place.

and thank you @SnookyPook for always being so supportive and reassuring!

I’d feel bad going back to EPU again so soon but I’ll definitely consider it and see how I go this week, and maybe see if I can get a scan late this week or early next?

@CluelessInLondon definitely! There's always comfort in not being alone even though I wish we all weren't so anxious! I think you're right that we will probably just move on to the next thing to worry about but i definitely agree that feeling their movements will be reassuring for you.

I'm 7+4 today and coming up to the time the baby would have died last time and I hadn't really thought about it until today but I'm petrified it's going to happen again. I think seeing them on the scan on Saturday has made it so much more real and made me realise how much I've got to lose now. I think I'd probably been doing a better job of not thinking about it than I realised as I'm doing all my thinking today 😂.

Hi all, I’m really sorry because this is probably not going to help anyone’s anxiety but I’m going to leave this thread as I had another MMC diagnosed this week. I feel such a fool. Wishing everyone the best with their pregnancies and lots of lovely rainbow babies. Take care and thanks for all your support

@HerbaceousPerennial I am so sorry to hear that - it's bad enough for anyone to experience a loss once but it feels so completely unfair for anyone to have to go through it again. Please don't feel foolish - you lived the hopes and dreams of a new pregnancy and that's nothing to feel foolish about. Take care of yourself and I hope you are surrounded with support from your loved ones right now. ❤

Oh @HerbaceousPerennial I am so, so sorry for your loss ❤️it is so bitterly unfair. You’re not at all a fool, hope is what keeps us going. Sending love x

@HerbaceousPerennial I'm so so sorry. It's so unbelievably unfair. Please don't apologise or feel foolish - you were allowed to feel hope, it doesn't make you a fool. My heart is broken for you. I hope you have support and are getting well taken care of 🩷

I’m so sorry @HerbaceousPerennial, life really isn’t fair. Please don’t feel foolish, having hope isn’t something to feel foolish about. Please take care of yourself. Sending lots of love your way ❤️ x

@HerbaceousPerennial I can only echo what the other ladies have already said. I'm so so very sorry for your loss 😞 and you are definitely not a fool at all. Sending you all the love and I hope you've got great support around you. It's really not fair. Massive hugs 💗

I'm so, so sorry @HerbaceousPerennial. what terrible news for you especially as things had been going positively - and you absolutely naturally would hope and expect they continued to go well. How just utterly awful. x

Thanks all. Someone on one of these threads once said that our babies know when they’re coming to us, it’s just that we don’t know. I keep thinking about that and thinking that my baby will get here in the end. I do feel much calmer about this miscarriage than the last one, albeit deeply sad. And you’re all right, I’ve thought about it and it’s always better to be hopeful. I feel like this pregnancy deserved that and I gave it my best shot, and that’s a comfort. Sending you all lots of love and hopefully I’ll be back soon, I’ll lurk in the background to see how you all get on xx

@HerbaceousPerennial I'm certain that your little one will absolutely come along when it is the right moment. Doesn't make this fresh loss any easier but I'm glad to hear you are able to hold on to some hope. I also took comfort after my losses from knowing that I had celebrated little one while they were with me. It's not the outcome you would have hoped for, but while you were carrying this little one, they knew nothing but warmth and love 💗 Look forward to seeing you back here when the moment comes 🙏🏼🌈💕

Afternoon all.. Bit of a different post... Just sharing in case it's helpful for anyone... So, because I already have a 3yr old DS who is at nursery, they've obviously seen bump and basically told me that nursery places are like goldust at the mo and to pay my deposit for this baby asap as places are filling up fast. This seems absolute madness to me as I'm sure with my son I didn't enquire until he'd been born!! Although he was Lockdown cohort so maybe things were very different 3 years ago.

I know lots of you are still slightly behind me in your pregnancies and this might seem a mad thing to think about when still anxious about progression etc.. but I do recommend checking out your local options and if there is one you particularly like the look of, don't waste time speaking to them! To give an idea, our nursery have only been able to offer me:

Full day Tuesday, Weds/Fri pm for August 2025 start!! They currently have no 5 full day places until Sept 2027!!!!

I've paid the deposit to lock that in and am hopeful some additional hours may come up for which I'm now on a waiting list... Hopefully particularly as they know us...?! But, yeah... Don't just assume that places will be there when you need them. I think with changes to funding etc the demand on places has shot up massively! So, take this as your friendly alert!!

Hope you're all ok. Xx

@SnookyPook Thanks for the post, that's crazy! We have talking to a local nursery on our 'to do' list for after we've had the 20 week scan (I kind of feel like any big things like thinking about nursery or buying major things like a car seat are jinxing it if we do it before then!) as we had seen a news article recently about ridiculous waits for nursery places. I find the idea of having to commit to a nursery when the baby is nowhere near even being born yet completely terrifying.

That is insane @SnookyPook. Like you I’ve got a lovely lockdown 3yo and sort of knew that there’s a nursery staffing crisis, but didn’t realise the extent! Is your 3yo starting school in Sept 2024 or 2025?

It’s too early for me to enquire just yet… I’m very cautious about counting my chickens too soon and am still worried about spotting and not feeling as pregnant as I was, so am thinking about giving EPU a call tomorrow or early next week. 🤞🤞🤞