Grad thread: TTC after loss carry on

[Wise0wl]

Hello all,

I just thought I'd set up a grad thread from our TTC threads, now there are quite a few people with their bfps so that we can keep in touch, and there's a forum for those on their TTC journey to check in with us!

I've sifted through the previous threads so think this is a reasonably full list:

*@SnookyPook
*@wyto
*@Aaliyahrae
*@SunSparkle
*@graceinc22
*@Gem0302
*@Bali200
*@Oxalis00
*@GeorgeR28
*@CluelessInLondon
*@HerbaceousPerennial
*@NphysT
*@GoldDustWoman90

I'd love to hear where you all are in your journey. I am approx 4 +2 (so very early!), after two MMCs. Feeling remarkably relaxed as, although I like a plan, I've resigned myself to the fact that there's little I can do to alter the fate of this pregnancy so until later down the line, I just sort of have to roll with it.

@Wise0wl aw that's great - glad all is going well! Ok here thanks - 27wks today so just one week until third trimester!! Can't believe it!

Oh wow @SnookyPook! How are you feeling? And at what point did it feel real for you? I found the ‘congratulations’ from the nurse this morning and the talk of all the upcoming antenatal appointments overly confident but I suppose at some point it might be real.

@Wise0wl That's lovely news! How are you feeling now? Hopefully a bit more confident and reassured? When is your dating scan?

For me it started feeling more real when I could feel movements with more certainty (from around 19/20wks) but I'm feeling more and more confident about it all with every week past viability week - so 24wks. That also coincided with my first foetal medicine scan and 25wk midwife appointment and feeling more confident they were talking in terms of birth plans etc. I'm feeling pretty good on the whole. My back is giving out a bit when I stand up sometimes and I'm not able to walk as far/quickly etc but mostly doing pretty well thanks!

@Wise0wl it did start feeling more real when I had the 12wk scan and joined the more normal antenatal care pathway too I think! Just every step along the journey really helps things along!

@CluelessInLondon I’m seeing it as a step closer, but it still doesn’t feel real to be honest. I’m nervous about the big gap between scans too. EPU said ‘come back if you need us’ but were very vague as to what that actually means.

@SnookyPook the joining the ‘normal path’ feels like a helpful milestone to bear in mind, thanks! I’ve got my dating scan next week so perhaps feelings of normality might settle in then?

If we get to that, and past the screening tests, I think we might tell people around 14 weeks. Which is a terrifying thought!

@Wise0wl At least if your dating scan is next week you don't have to wait too long for that. I found the long gap between the dating and anomaly scans a bit of a killer as I just got way too much into my own head worrying about the possibility of things going wrong, but you could always book something private for in between those if you think it would help?

I was just under 15 weeks when we started telling people (other than parents and my sister, who we told around the 7 week mark) - it was really nice to get to the point of telling people after not reaching that stage last time, and to share the news after keeping it to ourselves for so long, although that did mingle with some worries about any possible loss feeling a lot more 'public'. But I reasoned that if I suffered a loss at that point I would want my friends to know and be there to support me.

I'm now actually daring to think about buying some maternity clothes - definitely starting to pop now and there's only so long I can use bump bands to hide the fact that I can't do up my trousers. 😂 I feel like I'm constantly buying stuff at the moment to deal with the fact that I'm bigger than normal (I have bought and sent back SO MANY BRAS), at this rate I won't have any money left to buy things for baby!

Hi all - feels strange to be joining you here but need some advice please! Had a BFP yesterday so think I'm 4 weeks pregnant. I might be dipping into this forum cautiously for a little while as I don't want to mention pregnant too much on the conception chat.

My first question is whether I should be asking for an early scan and if so, when should I get one? I think I'd even pay for one if I need to in order to put my mind at ease. Been obsessively checking my higher heart rate on my watch to remind me that I'm actually pregnant!

Secondly, this sounds a bit mad but my SIL has a hen do next April and I need to get back to them tomorrow morning to confirm if I'm going or not. I would be due end of Jan so thinking it's stupid to say yes, although part of me thinks I'll feel stupid it doesn't work out. Was going to tell MIL but she's away on holiday and don't want to rush telling them. Any advice welcome!

Congratulations lovely 🎉 I'm 4 weeks too. If you've had previous losses your EPU should scan you early, I rang them this morning and booked in between 8 and 9 weeks.

Say yes to the hen, worst case you miss out on money but 1 - you may feel up for going to part of it 3 months post partum, you never know! 2- if for some horrible reason this pregnancy doesn't work out (but odds are in your favour) you're already in ❤️

That's my thinking anyway x

Can someone please reassure me? 7 week scan Wednesday and I'm starting to worry - I had some very light spotting at around 5 weeks for a few days but nothing since then. Boobs are sore and the nausea is worse than I've ever felt before which would make me so annoyed if I get a bad scan with stronger symptoms.

My first pregnancy I had a good scan at 7 weeks and still had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks so I know a good scan doesn't mean I'm safe but it would be a step ahead of last pregnancy. I just struggle to think it'll be ok. I want to be excited but I don't want to open myself up to feel hurt because I know loss is hard enough xx

@ThelastRolo20 thank you 😊 I ovulated two weeks ago so think that technically makes me 4 weeks?

Maybe part of me isn't that up for going anyway (just feel I should) 😂. It's 4 hours away and 3 nights so not like I can pop along for a bit if you know what I mean! Will have a think tonight...

Congrats @13lucy 🥰 I'd ring EPU to let them know about pregnancy and ask if there's an option for an early scan following your loss. I had one at 7+2 and was measuring a week behind but with a heartbeat so I'd recommend at least 7wks to get anything more reassuring 💗 RE hen-do... You sound a bit unsure anyway... My thoughts, you'd be highly unlikely to want to go abroad for 3 days with a newborn. If the worst case happens with this one, it would still put you in danger zone for potential due date/ongoing pregnancy with a subsequent pregnancy (assuming you would want to keep TTC)...? If you think MiL and SiL would understand you can explain properly when you see them..?

@moosey89 it's so hard and unfortunately there is no easy way to make that scan less terrifying! Symptoms are definitely a good sign and it would be really unfair to have strong ones and a loss (though I know it does happen and in the joyful world of pregnancy after loss there isn't much comfort to be had from telling yourself otherwise!!) I think I realised at a certain point that just by wanting to be excited I was already more invested than id have liked and that I might as well celebrate the individual moments for what they were and celebrate the pregnancy for however long it lasted. In other words, I decided to try and enjoy the journey as much as possible. I still cradled the (as I imagined high chance) potential for loss as very real and high so I sort of held that excitement and hope lightly in a way, but allowed myself to feel it and celebrate it... Not sure if that makes any sense at all!!

@SnookyPook thank you, it looks like the EPU near me says self referral only after 3 miscarriages but I suppose no harm in asking, although part of me never wants to set foot in there again! MIL would definitely understand but she isn't around until later this week which puts me in an awkward position! I think I'm leaning towards saying no and explaining myself later!

@moosey89 sorry you're feeling that way. I know I'll feel exactly the same when I get to that point and can imagine it can be quite triggering. I'm trying to approach it one day at a time but I know it's not as easy as that. Can you keep busy between now and then?

@SnookyPook that did make sense 😊 yeah it's so hard after loss to imagine things going well, especially since I don't get pregnant easily and had referrals to fertility clinic just sent when I found out I was pregnant this time! I don't think I'll believe I'm pregnant at all until there's a bump (a stage I've not reached in previous pregnancies).

@13lucy Definitely call the EPU - not all of them offer early scans after a loss but you don't know until you ask! When I called up to book mine they took my LMP date and then they worked out when to bring me in, rather than me asking for a specific date or point in the pregnancy - they scanned me at 7+2 and 9+2. If you do go private, wait until 7 weeks if you can, just to avoid that potential anxiety of going when it's just a bit early to see anything.
Re: hen do, if it were me I think it would depend on how keen I was on going irrespective of pregnancy! If you would really like to go and could stand losing the money if you end up not being able to then you could sign up and worry about it later - being 'in' means you could make a relatively last minute call if necessary. If you're not so bothered then you could just make up an excuse for now and explain it to your SIL when you're ready.

@moosey89 The scanxiety is definitely real after loss, and it's totally understandable that you are struggling to feel excited - remember, there is plenty of time to get excited so there's nothing wrong with wanting to protect yourself a little bit at this point in time. Until you get to the scan I think you just have to keep reminding yourself that all the signs point to everything being okay - I reminded myself of that a lot in the early weeks, when I was otherwise catastrophising about what might go wrong.

@13lucy congratulations! yes my EPU 'officially' doesn't offer reassurance scans to those with 1 previous miscarriage (like me) but with this pregnancy they did, it was reassuring but also a bit odd to be in there again, I went so many times in my last pregnancy and always when things were going wrong. I felt a bit out of place this time if that makes sense.

Tricky one with the hen! I personally would say no because ultimately, you are pregnant now, and you have every reason to expect you'll have the baby in January, regardless of what's happened before. but it's such a personal decision. how much money would you lose if you said yes and then pulled out? if it's going to stress you out saying no, you could always say yes and then review later on x

@13lucy congratulations! Is there any way you can delay the decision, or say yes but change your mind a bit later, unless it’s contingent on confirming final numbers now/actually parting with money? I hope your EPU are supportive and will see you. In the event that you have any spotting they should definitely see you.

@moosey89 I completely get you, and didn’t self refer to EPU until 6+5 to increase my chances of seeing something (I saw a wriggly little baby with a heartbeat). I’m thinking about every scan as one step closer, rather than a given that it’ll lead to a baby, which is helping me manage the rollercoaster emotions a bit. I was also told spotting around 5 weeks is likely to be implantation, if that’s helpful.

@CluelessInLondon I can totally see how that big wait would be tough, I definitely think I’ll get a 16 week scan. That’s so exciting to be ready to buy maternity clothes! I’m on the cusp of needing some new bras already.

@CluelessInLondon ok maybe I'll give them a call in 10 days or so once I feel like it's settled in. Yeh I'm thinking that either way I'll be pregnant or TTC so may just make up an excuse. A nice problem to have!

@graceinc22 yeh I spent a lot of time there too due to retained tissue and found it quite traumatising seeing people in there with scan photos in their hands whilst I was being told the worst news. I'll call them and ask though as will save a lot of pennies doing it through the NHS! The hen do is about £400 so not ideal to lose for something I'm not 100% into anyway. If it was closer to home/shorter I think I'd have taken the chance.

@Wise0wl thank you, yeh might ask them if I can have another day or two so I can speak to MIL in advance!

@13lucy It’s admirable you’re considering it tbh! I’ve been thinking about whose hen do I would go to for three whole days, four hours away from home and at a push I would consider it for my sister, but nobody else!

@Wise0wl hahaha, that made me chuckle! Maybe if I was fresh out of uni I'd be up for it, but I don't even drink now! Hen dos are such big events now!

Still feeling a bit weird about being pregnant. With it being so early on there aren't really many signs except my boobs are a bit sore so naturally worrying about it all. Taking it one day at a time isn't working 😂

Is anyone running through first trimester? I've stopped but really missing it and not sure what's best.

@13lucy I’m basically an old lady these days! 😂

I don’t run but I swam during my most recent successful cycle and have kept it up, alongside other activity. I think moving more has helped? Baby is tiny and well cushioned in there, but I know first hand how nerve wracking everything can seem!

I'm not a runner either (I used to run but kept getting niggly ankle and knee problems so I reached the conclusion I wasn't built for it 😂) but have pretty much kept up my normal exercise routine - mix of aerobics/LBT classes and PT sessions. I read something recently that said that running is fine in pregnancy as long as you feel up to it and haven't been instructed to stop because of any complications - I think as with any exercise it's about listening to your body, taking it easy if you need to and not overdoing it.

@13lucy pre pregnancy I was a runner and managed to carry on through my first pregnancy (felt less ill) whereas this time round I really struggled with nausea and tiredness and had to take 3 months off. at the start of the second trimester, I tried to start again but my body put up a protest, my back was killing me! So I had to stop (have carried on with other things in the gym). It's one of my resolutions for a next pregnancy (if I get pregnant again) to carry on running, at least once a week, through my first trimester even if I feel grotty - what I've learned is that (for me at least) once I stop I can't start again. My understanding of nhs guidance is that you can carry on whatever you're used to (with some specific exceptions re contact sports etc) and running is absolutely fine and safe in pregnancy x

So I would say go for it!!

I'm doing park run every other week, and 10km in between 😂 I ran in my daughter's pregnancy and hers was faultless. In my two miscarriages I didn't run at all so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks all. It's so confusing isn't it! The consultant that did my MVA said not to run until 12 weeks 'just in case' which has terrified me. I probably sound like a broken record saying this but my periods stopped for 3 months last year and the only answer seemed to be physical and mental stress. I guess it makes me worry more, but the thought of not running for months on end is hard also! I'm still doing lots of dog walking, yoga and weights but nothing hits the spot like running!