Parents laughing at labour/parenting thoughts

[Firsttimemumtobee]

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My parents were over yesterday, I have a good relationship with them and talk to them a lot. They're very excited to become grandparents.
We were chatting about the pregnancy and my thoughts on different things, what I'd like to try etc. I chatted about trying colostrum harvesting and breastfeeding if possible (understanding that it may or may not happen at the time, just thinking about what I'd like to try). I saw my Dad roll his eyes at my Mum, and then he started laughing. He said I don't know how you 3 (me and my siblings) ever survived! I was shocked at his response, he's usually very supportive about anything I do/ideas I have. When he went out of the room, Mum said so much has changed since you were born, there's far too much information for you now. I said that yes, they have obviously done more research in the last 30 years since I was born, as they would have done when she had me, compared to when my Grandma gave birth. She agreed, but was still smirking. I ended up saying that I wasn't prepared to discuss anything further with them if they were going to be like this.
Has anyone else had these reactions, and how did you deal with it?

I think everyone has experienced this to some extent. It gets even more annoying when you have a precious newborn you are following ‘the rules’ with and someone is responding like that 🙈 My mum made a few comments of ‘well none of you died’ etc when she had brought out her old cot to use for my baby at her house. It turns out there is now a recommended spacing between the bars as babies managed to break arms/legs by getting them stuck during the night. My son used it a couple of times before I had read this and got his legs right through. I then asked her to put it away and stop using it and was met with all the jokey/sarcastic responses about how we were fine in it.

When you actually see the statistics of babies that have been saved due to the new recommendations to do with safe sleep etc, clearly a lot of babies DID die or experience injuries so it’s very much worthwhile, even if it didn’t happen to me as a baby! I think just try to set the ground rules and the tone from day 1 (or before) then they hopefully won’t do it once the baby arrives and you are much more fragile and hormonal

So I am a grandmother. My DD has 2 children. After her first, where she followed all the posts she could on Instagram, she announced that most of it was a load of twaddle when it comes down to the reality of having an actual baby. Sometimes, us parents get treated as if we know nothing. It’s quite insulting. Not surprisingly, my DD usually asks my advice first now before consulting Dr Google!
BTW, Colostrum harvesting has very mixed views - not least that it can bring on early labour. Which is something you don't want to happen!

Just to wade in on the colostrum harvesting thing.. if you are ready to go into labour it can encourage it but I did it from 37-39 weeks and was absolutely fine. Had a planned csection so really didn’t want to go into labour unplanned and it was a bit of a worry but managed 20+ syringes! Was pleasantly surprised when I got to hospital for my section and out of the 4 women in on that morning, 3 of us had brought syringes 😊

If you are only 30, and your parents are smirking at breastfeeding, then they must be insufferable idiots. My children are in their mid to late 20s and I breastfed them. It wasn't "weird" then and it certainly isn't weird now.

Do yourself a massive favour and don't talk to them about anything you plan to do with your child. It's none of their business.

Colostrum harvesting is quite tricky (hard to get a decent yield) and can be pointless unless you're separated from your baby at birth. Direct feeding of colostrum from the breast has more benefits than from a syringe, if it's an option, which it is in the vast majority of cases. Even if your baby goes to nicu, you can visit frequently to breastfeed them, and harvest colostrum after the birth to feed them if you can't always be there.

But if they're scoffing about breastfeeding in general, that's almost definitely a defensiveness thing. We are pretty much all aware now of the benefits of breastfeeding but back then your mum might have been sold myths such as early weaning makes babies sleep better etc.

The best thing is just not to discuss stuff like that with them. You're about to become head of your own family, you don't need their approval for your decisions.

@Soontobe60 BTW, Colostrum harvesting has very mixed views - not least that it can bring on early labour. Which is something you don't want to happen!

That's really interesting, I was told to colostrum harvest due to gestational diabetes, I then went into early labour. I'd never heard before the two could be linked

TBF colostrum harvesting sounds batshit crazy. If you think about it. You want to do something natural, eons in the making, the foundation of being a mammal. So you do something that requires modern refrigeration and science. It makes no sense. And has only been a thing for five minutes.

There will be many moments like this. Try to remember having children is universal and constant. Every generation has fabs and fashions and most will be cobblers in their time.

https://www.kch.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/pl-969.1-antenatal-colostrum-harvesting.pdf

This is where I got my info from.

I think parents can be a bit sensitive about you suggesting doing things that weren’t recommended or thought about when they had children. Almost that they feel criticised or that you’re implying they did it wrong. If they’re kind and the big stuff is there and they’re in your corner maybe cut them some slack.

@Soontobe60 colostrum harvesting should only be done after 37 weeks when you are considered full term anyway. It can be useful for people to give to their babies in case there are any problems that may make bf difficult. Of course it is not essential and not everyone manages to get any but some women want to try it.

@Firsttimemumtobee I think there’s always new information coming out, a lot changed between my first and second (10 years) I almost felt like I was starting over. Colostrum harvesting wasn’t heard of then. Everyone has their own way of doing things, and they will always try to tell you how they did it was fine because their kids survived. You learn to ignore most of it and just find your own way.

I just think they are thinking of the reality but maybe are not being polite enough to hide their thoughts and reactions. Also sometimes people don’t understand all of the extra stuff we are advised to do now.

When it comes to parenting with your parents, it can be so tricky because they have their ways based on the experience and you will have yours based on your experience and a mix of advice from midwives and the internet. Honestly the amount of arguments I’ve had with my mum - do what’s best for you and of course if you need some advice from them, it might be best when the lo is here because it’s likely to be practical

I really wish I had managed to collect some colostrum during my first pregnancy as we were separated at birth for a few hours. There are no ‘mixed reviews’. Just don't do it before 37 weeks in case you’re in the tiny percentage of women who go into labour as a result of the stimulation (wildly unlikely with your first baby).

If your parents are acting like this about colostrum harvesting and breastfeeding then they are probably feeling defensive for some reason. Infant feeding is a highly emotive topic. Don’t let them put you off.

You’ve a world of this stuff coming when you become a parent, tbh. Learn to eye roll quietly and move on and just do things your own way.

They feel judged because what they did is seen as dangerous or ill-advised, but at the time they thought they were doing the right thing.

In 30-odd years when your baby is an adult and has a baby, it will be the same and you'll have to bite your tongue. Just ignore them and carry on following NHS guidance and your own instinct.

I had these kind of responses when I was pregnant/had my first newborn. Everything from eye rolling about safe sleeping, to strong opinions about vaccinating against measles. It’s a “totally normal childhood illness! No one died of it in our day!” according to my now exMIL. Then there was the time when I said no to putting honey in the baby’s formula milk “as a little treat”.

The thing is we do have way to much information. It's overwhelming and often really shit.

Colustrum harvesting is a good example. We know some women struggle to breastfeed so.maybe get some milk early for the baby sounds harmless enough. But milk production is triggered by the placenta being removed so it's hard to get colostrum out. Then if you have managed to get some family often offer to let you sleep and use the colustrum. Sounds great but actually post birth frequent feeding is what help establish milk supply.

Your parents shouldn't smirk. But honestly sometimes it's hard if the ideas being said are a bit out there. I remember explaining placenta encapsulation to my Dad and him going just cause everyone is doing it doesn't mean it's worth doing.

I say this kindly but when we are first time.mother we can be a bit extra and it settles down. Try not to take yourself to seriously.

Just ignore it. They do have a point - things used to be simpler and we’re all alive now. I do think there’s an excess of information nowadays; and too much pressure to do the right thing. The best thing you can do is chill out and see how it goes, don’t put pressure on

It’s an odd time for everyone. Just as you maybe looking back at your experiences of being a child and assessing the parenting your received - your parents will
be reminded of this time and could think you just doing things differently is a judgement on their parenting.

It’s a “totally normal childhood illness! No one died of it in our day!” according to my now exMIL.

That's one of the most ignorant and harmful comments have read on MN. You ex MIL sounds dumb.

My DPs laughed at my name choice, "that's a pet name". Fuck 'em, I still used it.

I remember my DM's incessant noise about I should be bathing the baby more and should be putting her down after a feed. "I'm making a rod for my own back" bollocks.

I just took a deep breath and carried on. When my first got to about 8 months she said "you've turned out to be a great mum" which made me well-up.

I now know she just wanted to help, and it was making her question her methods. we just all do our best.

As a tip i would say trust your gut and do what's right for you and your baby. A lot of parenting advice is rubbish, you'll know yiur baby best.

I believe this is common. My mum still can’t believe it’s safer to put babies to sleep on their back, and she recommended medicine now banned. Just understand that you as the baby’s mum know best and laugh them off. Knowledge is good thing.

I'm sorry OP that they've unsupportive. I haven't heard about colostrum harvesting and I think my mind would've been boggled if my pregnant daughter told me about it. Don't take it to heart. Talk to your friends who are also pregnant and the professionals about some of this stuff.

Hmm suspect you may be in for more of this. You can ask them to respect your views and decisions without laughing at them. My mum was mystified by the idea of tracking movements when pregnant until she understood why.
Also I laugh at how over zealous I was when pregnant and convinced about how I’d do things, some of which just went out the window or my baby wasn’t going to do

I was really lucky that my parents were on board with new research for both pregnancy and child raising. I mean I was born in the 70s and we didn't have child car seats or even seat belts in the back of cars FFS. We know better now. My parents knew that we were raising children in a different time to them just like they raised us in a different time to their parents. My Dad was raised in WWII for goodness sakes.

They may well see it as a criticism of how you were raised. The smirking would really piss me off and I would ask them how they would have felt if their parents were doing the same to them when talking about their pregnancy. There is a lot of babies have been born for centuries talk and yes and child mortality rates were through the roof. My Grandad was a fail to thrive baby and almost died, at 4 months old he was taken in by relatives of his Mother to save his life. He was born in the 1920s.

If I hadn't done colostrum harvesting with my DS I'm certain I wouldn't still be breastfeeding now at 4 months. He wouldn't latch at all for the first 24 hours and then only did with lots of help from the nursery nurse in hospital giving him the colostrum in small amounts and giving her finger to suck to guide him that sucking leads to food etc.

I only did it because I had GD, to be fair, as it helps stabilise their blood sugars which were very low straight after the birth.

Just ignore them. Lots of older people think ignorance is clever!