Parents laughing at labour/parenting thoughts

[Firsttimemumtobee]

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My parents were over yesterday, I have a good relationship with them and talk to them a lot. They're very excited to become grandparents.
We were chatting about the pregnancy and my thoughts on different things, what I'd like to try etc. I chatted about trying colostrum harvesting and breastfeeding if possible (understanding that it may or may not happen at the time, just thinking about what I'd like to try). I saw my Dad roll his eyes at my Mum, and then he started laughing. He said I don't know how you 3 (me and my siblings) ever survived! I was shocked at his response, he's usually very supportive about anything I do/ideas I have. When he went out of the room, Mum said so much has changed since you were born, there's far too much information for you now. I said that yes, they have obviously done more research in the last 30 years since I was born, as they would have done when she had me, compared to when my Grandma gave birth. She agreed, but was still smirking. I ended up saying that I wasn't prepared to discuss anything further with them if they were going to be like this.
Has anyone else had these reactions, and how did you deal with it?

I had so many arguments with her about all sorts of things and this was a biggie. It was only the MMR and specifically measles she got worked up about vaccine wise. But yeah generally she’s a fucking idiot.

This is a line you'll all have to learn to walk carefully, between respecting their experience and new information. Fwiw I've attempted colostrum harvesting twice, succeeded once but breastfed 3 babies successfully. If you have a good relationship now it's worth maintaining, you really will need them when baby's born and they will have valuable experience for you. It might be worth looking at information together and trying to share your figuring out of what to do so they can see the process.

It was something that was very much needed with my son. I had Gestational Diabetes. Harvested my colostrum and took it with me. We ended up needing it all! And the night after the birth in hospital, I didn't get a wink of sleep as I was harvesting even more throughout the night. He was so tired from the birth to latch (he'd latch, but fall asleep!) So the nurses were syringe feeding my colostrum. Thankfully we did eventually get breastfeeding established after he'd had enough rest!

It's an awkward one, obviously it's good to know better and do better but the norm for the majority of the human race was just to raise their children the same way they had been raised for generations. I can see why some grandparents don't like this modern way of midwives and HVs giving the advice.

Obviously it's better for parents and babies to have up to date and evidence based advice so they need to suck it up.

Exactly the same experience with me (see my post above!) So colostrum harvesting is very much necessary, in the cases of sleepy babies and gestational diabetes anyway!😁

I have a Dd your age and I don't know which decade your parents thought they lived in but breastfeeding was totally normal in the 90s. I've no idea what they are going on about "you 3 survived" that is ridiculous.

I try to go along and support my DIL with her parenting, I don’t interfere and give advice if asked. A lot has changed over the years and I often will answer with “ well I did so and so or you could try this or that “

but it’s true, I raised 3 children and my mother 5, they are all healthy well adjusted humans so we must have done something right. I do remember my mum raising her eyebrows at some things I did ( disposable nappies being one ), and she kept silent when I stopped breast feeding at 6 weeks ( unlike my MIL )

I think it’s like most things in life, pick your battles. And perhaps try and get your mum todo research with you and work on it together, that’s how my DIL and I have approached the different attitudes and I do believe it’s made us closer

Colostrum harvesting is really recent. I only heard of it on here a few years ago, I was last pregnant only 6 years ago and it was never mentioned then.

So it's not surprising people are still a bit raised eyebrow about it.

I really hate the whole 'I had my children 30 years ago and they're alright' argument because for some things, some of the children aren't alright.

The stats are clear about SIDS and how the numbers of baby's who die has significantly reduced in 30 years or so. (I know we don't know what part of the safe sleep advice has worked but something has).

When I was primary school age it wasn't the law for people to wear seatbelts in the back of the car and we didn't always. I'm still alive but probably doesn't mean that I should do the same with my kids this morning.

Colostrum harvesting is recent but its not eye rolly its just something new I wonder if the parents just like to go on about the good old days in general so having digs at their Dd is just part of that.

SIDS advice was the same earl 90s than it is now I don't think you can think you can say that now is better than then because eventually you will become the then !

Mostly, I think you’ll just have to learn who to talk to about this stuff and who not to. Pregnancy and parenting attracts so much unwanted advice and criticism, you learn quickly to mentally roll your eyes and ignore people!

My piece of unsolicited advice (yep!) would be: don’t let the internet feel like you have to do everything. Colostrum harvesting is really worthwhile if you have GD. If you don’t it may be more stress than it is helpful. Much of the baby advice on offer follows the same pattern - very worthwhile for a small portion of babies, more stress than it’s worth for the rest.

Ach I totally get this feeling, OP.

It’s not that we don’t respect other’s opinions - it’s the “know it all” way they respond, eg eye rolling, knowing looks, smug faces. I genuinely wouldn’t mind if someone came out and said, “Hmm, I’m not sure about that, in my experience I found this…” but it’s the idea that they’re laughing at the lack of experience that’s really annoying.

It’s not just parents that do this - I’m pregnant with my first, and my sister is the same even though she’s only just had her second baby. She even makes assumptions about what I’m going to do without me even saying anything: “I bet you’re going to bf aren’t you? Haha, you’ll soon learn what a pain in the arse that is!” while Mum giggled along with her at what an idiot I am for thinking I might be able to bf, which I have never ever spoken to either of them about in any capacity (this comment was literally while we were eating dinner and talking about when I should start looking at nursery furniture?!)

I'm someone who had dc 30 years ago and I love that my dd and her friends have so much information about pregnancy and babies, it's wonderful for them. I would say though, that men of my generation can often be of the view that it's too much information to be in on discussions about the details of breastfeeding or pregnancy. I will happily chat about it for hours with my dd and her friends myself, but my dh would rather not be there and I don't think he's alone in that.

@Mrsjayy I probably meant 40 years ago- I'm thinking of myself as younger as I am.

The SIDS guidelines came in the early 90s. Apologies for confusion!

Hmm, the thing is, when you are pregnant and haven't even had a baby yet you don't know anything, really, about the reality of being a parent. You just don't because you aren't one. That's not criticism, it's just fact. Your parents brought up 3 of you so they do know, from experience (albeit a while ago). But that's not to say they should be critical of you, not at all.

But most of us are the same - we read as much as we can, make our choices and think we'll do it this way or that way but when it comes to it we might change our minds.

Your parents are being a bit insensitive but wait and see how you feel, you might find you are being a bit Precious First Born about it and you will probably look back and laugh at yourself for how seriously you took it all. By "all" I mean the advice etc. The fact, is you can't really know with some of this stuff until you try to do it. Some people can breastfeed, others can't (for various reasons). Some think co sleeping is a good idea, others don't. It's a minefield!

This is pretty common OP. My mum and MIL were both shocked that I didn't start giving my babies solids at 6 weeks - lots of comments about how "he seems so hungry" and it would make them sleep better. It seemed to be hard for them to understand that the advice had changed since they had babies! Just keep saying "I'm happy with my decisions, this is in line with the most up to date guidance" etc etc.

I found similar issues here OP. The grandparents on both side were rude and dismissive about currrent NHS advice about sleep, safety, weaning etc. they think we mollycoddle babies now but the bits about SIDs are pretty important…..

I wouldn’t discuss detailed things with your parents any more. Just keep it vague and stick to your guns on your parenting choices

How nasty about bf.
I hope you get to BF without comments and judgment if you decide you want to.

for what it’s worth, it’s a much cherished part of the first few months for me.

With BF because there is the combination of a push to do it but often very poor support and decades of aggressive formula marketing a lot of people have been left with emotional baggage over the topic. I think that's why some grandparents can be so off about it.

My parents' generation were told to breastfeed every four hours on a schedule.

They were told to leave babies to cry it out.

They gave solids at 12 weeks

Babies went to sleep on their fronts.

The truth is official advice changes, some based on research findings, some based on assumptions related to those findings. People parent in different ways. There are also new products on the market that weren't around in our parents' time.

My advice would be to learn the NHS guidelines, find out the reasons behind them , couple with your own common sense , and helpful suggestions from other parents. It can be a bit of a minefield especially in the early days but you'll find your way.

Breastfeeding is great and it’s really sad if they’re not being supportive of that. I agree that it being up their own insecurities. Just don’t get into your birth plan!

https://laleche.org.uk/get-support/#bfinfo

This is a well regarded resource for breastfeeding information

I've never understood why colostrum harvesting triggers so much debate. If you start after 37 weeks (as is recommended) there are no risks attached. It's harmless, and may be beneficial. Even if the baby doesn't go to NICU, it's very, very common for new mums to struggle with breastfeeding, and having a couple syringes of colostrum in the fridge to give in the case that you just want to give your bleeding nipples 6 hours break to try and heal can make or break your chances of long term breastfeeding.
OP, it stings a bit when people disagree with your choices around pregnancy and parenting because the stakes feel so high and the pressure to do the "best" thing for your baby is immense. As PP have said, your parents probably just feel a bit defensive because they also felt the same pressure and did their best, so it's hard for them to hear that that might not be considered the best anymore. If they're generally supportive and you have a close relationship with them I wouldn't let this sully things.