Parents laughing at labour/parenting thoughts

[Firsttimemumtobee]

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My parents were over yesterday, I have a good relationship with them and talk to them a lot. They're very excited to become grandparents.
We were chatting about the pregnancy and my thoughts on different things, what I'd like to try etc. I chatted about trying colostrum harvesting and breastfeeding if possible (understanding that it may or may not happen at the time, just thinking about what I'd like to try). I saw my Dad roll his eyes at my Mum, and then he started laughing. He said I don't know how you 3 (me and my siblings) ever survived! I was shocked at his response, he's usually very supportive about anything I do/ideas I have. When he went out of the room, Mum said so much has changed since you were born, there's far too much information for you now. I said that yes, they have obviously done more research in the last 30 years since I was born, as they would have done when she had me, compared to when my Grandma gave birth. She agreed, but was still smirking. I ended up saying that I wasn't prepared to discuss anything further with them if they were going to be like this.
Has anyone else had these reactions, and how did you deal with it?

I agree with all of this. Colostrum is available from birth and can be harvested then, if baby cannot latch.

I agree with the PP who said both generations are right.

Yes we have more information now and some risks have been reduced or eliminated and some aspects of parenting are probably better as a result. On the other hand we are overwhelmed with information (some of it contradictory) and pressure to do everything “right” which can lead to a lot of anxiety and self doubt .

Ultimately every parent has to find a balance between following all the current health and parenting advice vs getting on with everyday life and accepting some things not being done perfectly.

Nobody should be smirking but perhaps it is just them thinking that they have been there and they thought they would do xyz too and in the end found it was unrealistic in the moment.

My kids are teenagers and I haven't heard of colostrum harvesting...until this thread. I just wouldn't have that sort of conversation with my parents anyway and would save discussions like that for the ante natal group I joined.

Your parents were probably a bit embarrassed, OP.

Why would you discuss colostrum harvesting in front of your dad?!

Your parents sound immature. I get they might be embarrassed but should have handled it better. On the topic though I never had anyone at the NHS promote or say I should try colostrum harvesting (youngest is 3 months) I find that mentioned in groups on here and other places. There can be so many extra recommendations that it can be overwhelming.

I think it’s good evidence changes practices but also think an abundance of info can stress out mothers. With my first baby I tried colostrum harvesting and breast pumping - it was all quite stressful and pointless. Second baby I did none of that and just breastfed from birth.

I laughed with not at my DD when she told me her plans which were very different from mine. Even today I was tagged in a video clip to the effect "What happens when grandma sees the baby without socks". I have also made the remark that I don't know how DD and her siblings survived their upbringing which was so different that provide by DD for DGC. But we both know that the things I did were considered best practice at the time and increased research has changed some of those things. There's nothing critical in what I say to DD - I am interested in the way things have changed, that's all. She certainly has never taken offence and I have never laughed at her plans or parenting style.

I'm in my 40s (hilarious to be called someone of a generation considered older and for whom such discussions are taboo), I was breastfeeding myself only 5 years ago.

And did discuss breastfeeding with my dad, in his late 60s at the time. It's not weird to have the conversation.

Still think colostrum harvesting is pushed too hard.

@123anotherday
I'm in my 50's but don't throw around 'understanding of generational views' comments along with accompanying exclamation marks. Yes, people like you do perpetuate the problem, and your comment about her sharing her sex life with her dad was factually incorrect and the comment about her dad thinking about her having sex is just plain creepy. As a person in my 50's I don't see myself as someone from a very different society. In fact I'm proud of what I do and glad that my head isn't so far up my own arse that I'm virtually turning myself in-side-out.

😂

Well I hope it’s comfy up on your high horse, I actually said that it was likely an embarrassment factor that prevents dads from discussing bodily functions. You are showing very little understanding about human behaviour and the social demographic factors that impact on breastfeeding and some of the reasons behind that but you go.

Here here @DappledThings (you old fogey) 😂how dare you discuss such taboo subjects. be careful, you'll upset the pearl clutchers.

And as for colostrum harvesting, it's the lack of support, setting of expectations and correct provision of patient literature that perpetuates the problem, plus women turning to non evidence based social media for their information.

Happy to breastfeed and talk about it in front of anyone, from the postman to The Pope.
But colostrum harvesting chat is very niche.

💯 this

i just had my second

@123anotherday No high horse in sight, but I'm sure it would be very comfy if there was. BTW - don't back track - you made comments about her and her sex life and her dads thought processes - factually incorrect from the OP's original post and totally inappropriate. Maybe you should reflect on why you went straight to the thought of her dad imaging her having sex - weird.
Anyway, enjoy your day being an armchair psychologist.

I really wish you would read my posts properly I said “ pregnancy is a very real example of your daughter having sex and some people prefer to distance themselves from what their daughters are doing and find this embarrassing “ I really don’t understand why this is so controversial and I am really intrigued why you are getting so het up over this? I am from the sort of background where there was a naked woman in the paper every day, local shops had naked calendars hanging up and we watched benny hill and carry on films as a family, you’d never see anyone out and about breastfeeding and certainly you would never talk about anything related to your body with your parents . Why are you finding it so hard to understand that was many peoples “ norm” growing up so to be faced with your daughter talking about colostrum harvesting might be beyond that person comfort point?

Yes, it’s insecurity mixed with closed mindedness.

A lot of us have had parents who react this way. Any hint of making a parenting decision that differed from what they did is interpreted as criticism and met with defensiveness or this kind of invalidating put-down. I suspect many grandparents are expecting that we will seek their ‘wisdom’ in all things child rearing related and are put out when we don’t.

I can see why this generation of grandparents react this way. In the past, before the internet and widespread dissemination of information, people would have turned to the older generation for their advice and ‘wisdom’ in raising babies. Our generation have rejected this set up (which is probably a good thing. Bad habit are less likely to get passed down generationally - from what I have seen, people who take grandparent advice on child raising are the ones who are pushing purées and baby rice down a kids throat at 3 months old, using cot bumpers and dummies doing all manner of things that the slightest bit of research would flag as inadvisable).

Your parents need to learn to manage their feelings and respect your parenting decisions. If they don’t, have less contact.

I'm not at that stage yet but I think for a lot of us there is a real instinct to want to share and pass on what we've learnt. It's a tricky one to manage in some ways.

I do think one problem some expert advice has is that it can be very idealistic and often unrealistic. Advice passed on by family has at least been tried and tested by real people. I think safety comes first but beyond that I'd be open to listening to people's experience.

"from what I have seen, people who take grandparent advice on child raising are the ones who are pushing purées and baby rice down a kids throat at 3 months old, using cot bumpers and dummies doing all manner of things that the slightest bit of research would flag as inadvisable)."

My oldest child is 28. All of these things were flagged as inadvisable when she was born. I am amazed as how many Mumsnetters have parents born in the 1940s......

@123anotherday

I am quoting your actual comments:

"I don’t know if all dads are quite happy to talk about their daughters breasts, periods,sex lives etc !!"

"certainly you would never talk about anything related to your body with your parents"

You seem to have distanced yourself from your first comment highlighted above - you need to own that OP didn't say this, you did, and it's you projecting.

Not sure who the the mythical "you" is in your 2nd comment. More armchair psychology?

Anyway, bored and busy - so bye.

Err yes, I said I was giving an example and said I don’t think all dads want to talk about that sort of thing ? My mum thought she was dying when she started her period as her mum never talked about it, I learnt about periods from friends at school ,my parents had no input in my learning about my body ….whereas I talk about anything and everything with my teenage girls. Generational approaches change. What is the problem? Am still confused by your response! It is the easiest thing to try and shut someone else down by attempting to shame them but you won’t learn anything about human differences that way and if you work in health or BF education you really should know that.

How old are they?

I'm in my 70s and solids were started at 4 months

They sound annoying and a bit defensive. But I think you do also need to learn to take onboard what they say and a polite "yeah, it may be nonsense, who knows, but I want to try my best with all the information out there, so we'll see". I've said this to my mum when she scoffed at a few things and it actually placated her very well.

Don't get into an argument, just nod, smooth it out and move on (on the assumption you have a good relationship generally)

Unfortunately have to say, get used to it! Mine are the same. Seems a theme that our parents take any changing parenting guidelines very personally. Apparently my stepdads two kids slept through the night at 6 weeks onwards and had a full Sunday roast at 3 months the way he makes it sound, and my mum has forgotten all the challenges and remembers us with rose tinted glasses.

They forget that the generation who raised them also would have had different guidelines and a different world, but perhaps their parents didn't harp on at them about their way and accept that times change!

They feel judged and aren’t mature enough to either voice that appropriately or realise it’s not about them.
Comments like ‘well non of you died’ ‘it was fine in my day’ and ‘there’s too much information now’ are the epitome of stupidity.