Parents laughing at labour/parenting thoughts

[Firsttimemumtobee]

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My parents were over yesterday, I have a good relationship with them and talk to them a lot. They're very excited to become grandparents.
We were chatting about the pregnancy and my thoughts on different things, what I'd like to try etc. I chatted about trying colostrum harvesting and breastfeeding if possible (understanding that it may or may not happen at the time, just thinking about what I'd like to try). I saw my Dad roll his eyes at my Mum, and then he started laughing. He said I don't know how you 3 (me and my siblings) ever survived! I was shocked at his response, he's usually very supportive about anything I do/ideas I have. When he went out of the room, Mum said so much has changed since you were born, there's far too much information for you now. I said that yes, they have obviously done more research in the last 30 years since I was born, as they would have done when she had me, compared to when my Grandma gave birth. She agreed, but was still smirking. I ended up saying that I wasn't prepared to discuss anything further with them if they were going to be like this.
Has anyone else had these reactions, and how did you deal with it?

@Nanny0gg They're both in their 80s.

Most generations will have their own take on things .I remember my DGM saying "Every 4 hours to feed no more" Doc Spock I think .My friend thinks it was so hubby could have his tea ready!Also was recommended to leave them in the garden or something ! No one died its true ,but hardly ideal .As societies move on ever more improved ideas come forward .Try not to take it to heart though,enjoy Mum and Dad and your pregnancy and dont fret unduly ,even if it is annoying!

My MIL has a degree in early years and is a childcare professional but still thinks it is “mean” that my 2yo is ERF, because she “obviously loves facing forwards” and “looks bored”

What I’m saying is: take a deep breath and do what you think is right. The opinions will keep rolling in. Deep breath.

@KalaMush "This is pretty common OP. My mum and MIL were both shocked that I didn't start giving my babies solids at 6 weeks - lots of comments about how "he seems so hungry" and it would make them sleep better."

How old are they? My dd is 28 and was weaned, following the guidance, at 6 months.

Also, I’d just like to take a minute to appreciate all the times we have been told “…and no one died”

A reduction in infant mortality rates would beg to differ. Mic drop.

@CurlewKate my mum and MIL are in their 80s.

It actually helped my friend breastfeed to harvest before. She was very unwell after birth. Instead of the baby being given formula in the hospital, she has lots of syringes ready for him.
Anotjer friend struggled so much with latch to start. Again, was able to give him free colostrum from a syringe until it worked out.

Absolutely no problem giving babies bottles at birth of course but a baby will almost always prefer the ease of bottle to breastfeeding so can make it much harder.

Indeed. Infants did actually die. At much higher rates than they do now. Thankfully it's very rare now

100% agree. My MIL was quite critical of my decision to BF and I really do think it was because she chose to FF and felt that it was me passing judgment on that decision. I don't care how she fed her babies but hated how she made me feel.

I harvested because it was recommended because of my Gestational Diabetes. I used all the syringes I'd harvested during pregnancy and then I was awake the whole night after the birth, harvesting more, as he drank them in no time. So I'm very glad I harvested before! It was a lot of work, and I was tired! It took ages to fill a syringe, so he quickly went through them all (I explained in a previous post, he would latch on to me but fall asleep every time, as he was exhausted from a quick birth!). Establishing breastfeeding was easy for me after this, so despite what people say, it didn't cause issues for him once he'd had a good sleep after the birth either.

Substitute the word ‘older’ for ‘disabled’, ‘Muslim’, ‘Black’ and see how it sounds.

Whilst browsing online to find out more about colostrum harvesting, I came across this little gem.
https://www.parents.com/breastfeeding-your-husband-or-partner-8559325#:~:text=There%20aren't%20major%20health,breastfeeding%20your%20husband%20or%20partner.

Well, this is kinky and possibly abusive if non consensual but it has zero to do with harvesting colostrum for your baby. Not sure why you're sharing it here.

Edit - if non consensual, definitely abusive! Phrased badly

I know it’s nothing to do with harvesting colostrum even though I’d typed ‘harvesting colostrum benefits’ in the search bar - sometimes, we just come across things that surprise us…

It's just parents bring irritating, ignore them!!! 😂Things are so different these days and it's simply a generational difference. Pretty sure my parents (and some friends) thought I was batshit doing hypnobirthing especially as my mum pushed out two with no bother and was back up and running a couple of days later, but it worked for me. Research has come on leaps and bounds and there's always going to be a sense of "well, back in my day..."

"My MIL was quite critical of my decision to BF and I really do think it was because she chose to FF and felt that it was me passing judgment on that decision."

She must be a mumsnetter. Nothing produces more judgement on here than saying you're going to bf-or worse, that you did bf and didn't find it incredibly difficult or agonisingly painful!

I think you have to let it wash over you OP but I fully get the frustration. I think a PP nailed it where they said people these days don’t really ask their parents for advice and that probably stings a bit for them.
Personally, my parents don’t really offer any unsolicited advice and they understand things are different these days such a buying new mattresses for cots, having baby sleep in your room and needing a good car seat.

Unfortunately my MIL can be quite opinionated and has said random stuff to me like ‘hope you’re not doing X in labour’ completely unsolicited and I wasn’t even talking about birth at the time! She also is very ‘in my day’ to a lot of things even though I’ve pointed out I’m following nhs or tommys advice which on the whole I think is balanced and not exactly radical. She may not mean it, but it makes me feel like I’m being a diva or something when actually I’m just following advice and guidance given in this country.

At the end of the day, I don’t need lectures on how things were 40 years ago, times have changed and I hate the race to the bottom (‘mine were fine sleeping on hay in a drawer’ mentality when you’ve bought a nice cot etc).
The sad thing is it starts to ruin your relationship with them and I certainly feel apprehensive about seeing MIL post birth as I don’t want opinions on things I’m doing!
If parents want to support their pregnant DDs or DILs then they should ask how they can help or just say ‘this worked for me, but you need to find what works for you’ rather than belittle your choices.

My grandmother was advised by “experts” to take up smoking in pregnancy to relax, for the sake of the baby. And encouraged to drink Guinness daily.

My mother was told she couldn’t breastfeed because she was only producing a dribble (eg colostrum) in the first couple of attempts and told it was better to give a bottle to measure the baby’s intake accurately, and told to feed the baby every 4 hours

Both were aware that the experts can be wrong, and that new mothers are particularly vulnerable because of the intense drive to do the absolute best for their baby.

In the 20 months between my two advice had changed from You must put gloves on newborn to stop them scratching their face! to Why are you putting a choking hazard on baby?

My dm and dgm were very respectful of my instructions but they also provided a valuable counterweight of common sense too.

Boomers come out with such tosh.

One relative told me I should only breastfeed until my child wore shoes. Huh? He can wear shoes from birth.

Someone else suggested a gypsy "buy" the wart on my daughter's finger.

Idiots.

Yeah unfortunately you will need to develop a thick skin OP, this is just the start. Not that your parents should be rude to you but everyone I know has encountered some well meaning but also defensive comments from older relatives around their parenting along the lines you have expressed. I have 2 DC who are 5 and 2 and my DM expressed horror to me the other day that my DSis who has a 4 month old told her she would be doing BLW not purees and not until 6 mo. Even though I did this with both my two! She was lost for words then and said she didn't remember! Anyway we just shrug off/ignore/explain once then repeat "well we are doing it this way" and change the subject add inifitum. I don't take it personally and I'm glad my children have so many people that love and care for them enough to be remotely interested enough to have and share their opinions, even if I disagree with the opinions!

I wonder what we believe now that later generations will call us idiotic for. It’s not always the case that everything is an improvement. A few decades ago the new advice was to avoid nuts, now that’s seen as no longer good advice.

"Someone else suggested a gypsy "buy" the wart on my daughter's finger."

Yes, that was routine advice in "boomer times"!

Don't be such an ageist arse, @PurpleChrayn

This is common. Nowadays everything about parenting is analysed, dissected and commercialised in a way it never was for our parents.

Back in the day, you had sex, got pregnant, 9 months later had a baby. No one was doing extensive wider reading to prepare or buying all sorts.

They just think the new way is a bit daft. I did too tbh. I couldn't believe the way my sister was tracking every poo, wee, fart and feed on an app. Blew my mind.

@CloudsUnderwater it really isn't! My oldest is in his mid 30's. We were told to wrap the baby up warm, keep him swaddled in a blanket, don't let him sleep on his back, make sure the top of his head is touching the top of the cot. Things that would horrify a health professional today. I also tell her every time we speak that she is smashing this whole parenting lark and I wish I had had her confidence with my first baby.

I am a grandmother. There have been times when I have thought that some of the ideas my DDs have been mulling over when pregnant or newly parenting were a bit off the wall... but not a word passed my lips!

I promise you that when your turn comes you will be in exactly the same position ... remember to zip the lip!