Husband wants me to terminate our 4th

[kiwimum3]

I don't know where else to turn to. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this and desperately need some guidance.

I'll start by saying that I have a fantastic marriage and family life. We have three beautiful children. Our first was a surprise when we were both very young and our other two children were very much planned.

I just found out a week ago that I am pregnant with baby #4. We were using protection and I actually have no idea how this happened. My husband immediately said I have to get a termination. I'm devastated. I had always wanted a fourth but we had agreed no more and I had come to terms with it. But this isn't a hypothetical discussion anymore. It's actually happening and I can't even fathom how I will go through with this.

It's been a week now and I was hoping he might have processed this a bit and come around but he's as firm as ever that we can't go through with this. He won't even give me a reason other than he doesn't want to.

We have bigger age gaps with our kids (12, 6 and 2) so I think he feels like we've been in the "baby stage" for so long. I do agree with this but it doesn't feel like a strong enough reason to end the pregnancy. I'm also deeply afraid of what this will do to my mental health and our marriage. Even the thought makes me feel sick to my stomach and I'm scared that I will never forgive him or myself if I do what he wants.

What on earth am I supposed to do?

I couldn’t terminate if I really felt I wanted the baby.

He may come round, or this might break you up.

i am so sorry, I hope he changes his mind.

I know that termination is the right choice for many but yes, I worry about what it would do to me when it's absolutely not what I want. I hope so too but the hope fades a bit more each day

If you don't want to terminate then don't. It could have implications for your marriage but so could termination when you Don't want to. I would be insisting for him to have a vasectomy though if he wants you to terminate.

It’s not his decision, it’s your body. I couldn’t do it in your position.
He shouldn’t coerce you.

When I got pregnant with my 5th my husband nagged me to terminate. For several weeks, but I refused, my kids all come first.

She's 24 now, we are still together.

Be strong.

Can you manage 4 children on your own?

do not have a termination you don’t want. Better to end the marriage if necessary.

If you want it, don’t terminate.

For me it would come down to what, taking everything into consideration, is best for the children I already have. Only you can answer that as it is completely dependent on you and your circumstances.

Only you can decide, but you’ll never forgive him if you terminate, sorry @kiwimum3

Your body, your choice.

As someone who has had an abortion and completely supports any woman's decision to do so, you have just as much right to choose to keep a wanted baby.

I'm afraid a friend of mine was in this situation with her 3rd. She'd said for years to him that if she was to fall pregnant she'd want to keep it, and if he felt that strongly against it then he should have the snip. He didn't.

Her husband finally wore her down after several weeks of stress upset and tension, and she agreed to terminate even though she wanted to keep it. He basically said he'd leave her if she didn't and she didn't want to break the family up.

She was sent the pills by a clinic, had them at home for a week and then had an awful day one day with sickness and her husband really got in her head so she took the first set. Part way through she started to massively regret it, was in an awful way but it was too late (I remember calling the hospital for her etc - her husband was totally un-supportive as he just wanted it "done".)

This event sadly ended her marriage - she just couldn't come to terms with being married to someone that had made her do this / felt completely differently towards him afterwards.

I'm sad to say she ended up being the one to move out of her home, now has to split the children 50:50 and is traumatised by what she went through.

So I would basically say that no matter how much you talk about it, talk some more. Share all your darkest fears and anxieties wi tbh your husband. Makes him open up to you. Really get to the nitty gritty of everything and try to come to a joint decision.

Ultimately it is your decision to make, not his. He needs to stop making demands and actually listen to your POV.

Would you still feel the same way about your husband if he pushes you into a termination? Tell him how you feel and what your fears are. And if you stay together he should be strongly considering a vasectomy!

You could terminate the pregnancy to try and please your husband and make him stay but end up resenting him and the marriage falling apart anyways.

if you keep the baby you risk him walking away but at least you will be able to sleep at night knowing you did what you knew in your heart was best for you.

no judgment here either way, I am pro choice however make sure it is your choice and not just his. You are the one who will have to put your body through the procedure and live with the feelings forever afterwards. Only do it if you know it’s for the best.

I'm pro choice but I wouldn't terminate a baby I wanted. I have four already and we decided that was enough, my partner had a vasectomy.
Ultimately it's your decision, keeping the baby may end your marriage but as a pp said at least you'd sleep at night knowing you did what was best for you and the baby.

Please don't let him pressure you into a termination that you don't want. It's your body and he has no right to be making these demands. It may seem like the right thing for your marriage to do what he wants but it'll only make you grow to resent him. And any decent man would not have their wife go through a termination knowing that she doesn't want one.

Oh yes, I forgot to add that he had planned a vasectomy for this year anyway. We had both agreed on it so that will be happening regardless

I agreed if the amniocentesis came back with bad news. It didn't so we went ahead. There were no financial issues. He did book himself in for the vasectomy he'd been muttering about for years.

Hi OP

This was us 2 years ago and very similar age gaps, 12,6 and 3.
Always toiled with having a 4th but wasn't brave enough after postnatal depression after my 3rd but then somehow caught unexpectedly and I was honestly so shocked and upset.
We decided to keep the baby and she's now 14 months old and things have worked out fine. Infact I'm so grateful she was born.
I did get sterilised after though to prevent any further 'accidents'

Thank you so much for your well thought out and supportive reply. I really appreciate it. This is my biggest issue currently is that he won't discuss it in detail. He won't even talk about the pros and cons and it's made me feel as if he's not really thinking through such a huge decision. I have actually just reached out to someone and we're meeting on Tuesday. I'm hoping this will give me more clarity

The thing is, neither of you need to give any reason for your choices - he is sure he doesn’t want another child, you're sure you do. As the decision is ultimately yours, you need to be very clear. If you choose to continue with the pregnancy it will impact on your marriage. If you choose to terminate it will impact on your marriage too.
All I would say is, I’d make my decision based on the impact on the whole family, not just my personal emotion.

This is devastating 😥I feel that we have more chance of separating if we go the route of termination because I don't think I could feel the same way about him either. I'm so so sorry that your friend went through this but thank you SO much for sharing her story with me.

Thank you for sharing this!! I'm hoping this will be our outcome too 🤞

Wow! Very similar. I'm so glad to hear that things worked out fine. Did you suffer any postnatal depression after the fourth? I also had it with my 3rd but I have done a lot of work and feel much stronger mentally. It helps that I recognise the signs now too

You say you have a great marriage but his actions are not that of a great husband.
Not that he wants a termination - he's entitled to feel what he feels, and to tell you. But it's simply not his choice and the way you take about him insisting puts him massively in the wrong. He doesn't get to insist. It is your choice. Take time to figure out what you want, away from him if possible.
If he won't even discuss it with you it sounds like he's sticking his fingers in his ears and going lalala, hoping when he takes them out you'll have made the "problem" disappear.