Page 2 | Husband wants me to terminate our 4th

kiwimum3 · 2024-03-16T21:11:10+00:00

I don't know where else to turn to. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this and desperately need some guidance. I'll start by saying that I have a fantastic marriage and family life. We have three beautiful children. Our first was a surprise when we were both very young and our other two children were very much planned. I just found out a week ago that I am pregnant with baby #4. We were using protection and I actually have no idea how this happened. My husband immediately said I have to get a termination. I'm devastated. I had always wanted a fourth but we had agreed no more and I had come to terms with it. But this isn't a hypothetical discussion anymore. It's actually happening and I can't even fathom how I will go through with this. It's been a week now and I was hoping he might have processed this a bit and come around but he's as firm as ever that we can't go through with this. He won't even give me a reason other than he doesn't want to. We have bigger age gaps with our kids (12, 6 and 2) so I think he feels like we've been in the "baby stage" for so long. I do agree with this but it doesn't feel like a strong enough reason to end the pregnancy. I'm also deeply afraid of what this will do to my mental health and our marriage. Even the thought makes me feel sick to my stomach and I'm scared that I will never forgive him or myself if I do what he wants. What on earth am I supposed to do?

SuperstarDeejay · 16/03/2024 22:43

kiwimum3 · 16/03/2024 22:08

Oh yes, I forgot to add that he had planned a vasectomy for this year anyway. We had both agreed on it so that will be happening regardless

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Your youngest is 2, if your DH was that adamant he should have had it sorted by now. Everyone knows contraception is never a 100% guarantee.

Please don't do anything you don't want to.

Original poster

kiwimum3 · 16/03/2024 22:43

Wheresthescissors · 16/03/2024 22:37

You say you have a great marriage but his actions are not that of a great husband.
Not that he wants a termination - he's entitled to feel what he feels, and to tell you. But it's simply not his choice and the way you take about him insisting puts him massively in the wrong. He doesn't get to insist. It is your choice. Take time to figure out what you want, away from him if possible.
If he won't even discuss it with you it sounds like he's sticking his fingers in his ears and going lalala, hoping when he takes them out you'll have made the "problem" disappear.

You're bang on. This is why it's rocked me. In all of our 12 years together we have always been strong and deeply in love and now to have him be like this is devastating. I think this post has confirmed for me that terminating is NOT the right decision so now I guess the only hope for our marriage is if he can come to terms with it

OP posts:

Milkand2sugarsplease · 16/03/2024 22:46

If he was so adamant about no more, he should have made sure it didn't happen. I know he was planning a vasectomy but he hasn't actually gone and done it and now you're pregnant unexpectedly and he just wants you to nip off and get rid - doesn't sound like the actions of a loving husband really.

It's your body and therefore your choice ultimately. I'm guessing you've had discussions in the past about your thoughts on abortion so he can't be too surprised at your reluctance now.

Lillygolightly · 16/03/2024 22:49

If he is refusing to discuss this with you, then perhaps writing him a message is the way to go, that way he can read and process it in his own time without the pressure to respond. I would say something along the lines of…

DH, I know that your wish is for me to terminate this pregnancy but I do wish you would at least discuss it with me so that I may understand your reasoning. You cannot simply bully or manipulate me into making a choice that impacts us and our relationship so heavily without at least a discussion on the matter. I want to know and understand why you feel the way that you do, to know if you have given any thought to me at all, the medical procedure I would have to endure, the possible complications, the emotional fall out, the impact on our relationship. If you want me to truly be able to give weight to your preferred outcome in this situation than I really need to understand your reasons and I really need for you to understand what that puts me through emotionally/medically/mentally etc, I need you to know and understand that whilst this may seem simple to you, it is not simple to me and that there will be long lasting consequences to either outcome.

It would be my preference to continue this pregnancy, but despite this being my preference I have not blindly dictated to you that this will be or should be the case, I am not demanding anything of you other than a simple conversation to discuss our feelings, reasoning and to hopefully come to some sort of agreement as to how to move forward. I want you to know and understand that I am considering you and your feelings as well as my own, but I can only properly consider yours and give them their true weight if I understand your reasoning. I just want the opportunity for us to be able to talk about this properly as ultimately at the moment we are at odds with our feelings on this, it’s a time sensitive matter and unfortunately I can’t just blindly do what you want, but in good conscience I can not just do what I want either. We have a lot at stake here, a lot to consider and we need to find a way to be able to talk and to move forward somehow.

Take your time to consider and digest the above and then it is my hope that when you are ready you will come and talk to me.

psfiaqplffsa · 16/03/2024 22:57

Lillygolightly · 16/03/2024 22:49

If he is refusing to discuss this with you, then perhaps writing him a message is the way to go, that way he can read and process it in his own time without the pressure to respond. I would say something along the lines of…

DH, I know that your wish is for me to terminate this pregnancy but I do wish you would at least discuss it with me so that I may understand your reasoning. You cannot simply bully or manipulate me into making a choice that impacts us and our relationship so heavily without at least a discussion on the matter. I want to know and understand why you feel the way that you do, to know if you have given any thought to me at all, the medical procedure I would have to endure, the possible complications, the emotional fall out, the impact on our relationship. If you want me to truly be able to give weight to your preferred outcome in this situation than I really need to understand your reasons and I really need for you to understand what that puts me through emotionally/medically/mentally etc, I need you to know and understand that whilst this may seem simple to you, it is not simple to me and that there will be long lasting consequences to either outcome.

It would be my preference to continue this pregnancy, but despite this being my preference I have not blindly dictated to you that this will be or should be the case, I am not demanding anything of you other than a simple conversation to discuss our feelings, reasoning and to hopefully come to some sort of agreement as to how to move forward. I want you to know and understand that I am considering you and your feelings as well as my own, but I can only properly consider yours and give them their true weight if I understand your reasoning. I just want the opportunity for us to be able to talk about this properly as ultimately at the moment we are at odds with our feelings on this, it’s a time sensitive matter and unfortunately I can’t just blindly do what you want, but in good conscience I can not just do what I want either. We have a lot at stake here, a lot to consider and we need to find a way to be able to talk and to move forward somehow.

Take your time to consider and digest the above and then it is my hope that when you are ready you will come and talk to me.

Good Lord I doubt he'd make it past even the first sentence! Just too many words.
OP it's clear you want to keep the baby. He just has to come to terms with it. He's not wrong and neither are you but ultimately you, as the mother have the final say.

The financial impact on your marriage, emotional impact on existing children etc is something you have to consider when keeping the baby but ultimately you cannot force him to come to terms with something by talking at him.

bluebells89 · 16/03/2024 22:59

I can completely understand not wanting to go back to the baby stage on his part but It’s untimely your body that is pregnant and has to go through the trauma of an abortion. I’m 100% pro choice if it’s a decision YOU want to make but abortion is still a loss you have to recover from especially if it’s not what you want. Life doesn’t just go back to pre pregnancy, there will forever be regrets. In your situation I would keep the baby and if that’s what crumbles your marriage then that’s better than the weight of resentment you’ll feel towards him for life.

coffeeandcake91 · 16/03/2024 23:01

First of all you don't 'have to' do anything.

Second of all if he's determined that he wants you to terminate then he needs to give you a clear reason other than he just doesn't want to.

Have you discussed the way you're feeling with him?

Lillygolightly · 16/03/2024 23:06

psfiaqplffsa · 16/03/2024 22:57

Good Lord I doubt he'd make it past even the first sentence! Just too many words.
OP it's clear you want to keep the baby. He just has to come to terms with it. He's not wrong and neither are you but ultimately you, as the mother have the final say.

The financial impact on your marriage, emotional impact on existing children etc is something you have to consider when keeping the baby but ultimately you cannot force him to come to terms with something by talking at him.

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I quiet agree however OP’s marriage is quiet possibly and very realistically on the line here. He is blindly dictating a termination and will not discuss the matter, her simply stating that she is keeping the pregnancy regardless is no different to his behaviour and whilst I absolutely agree she is totally and entirely within her rights to do this, for the sake of their relationship they need to find some way to be able to discuss this otherwise the resentment will surely eat away at their marriage.

Original poster

kiwimum3 · 16/03/2024 23:08

coffeeandcake91 · 16/03/2024 23:01

First of all you don't 'have to' do anything.

Second of all if he's determined that he wants you to terminate then he needs to give you a clear reason other than he just doesn't want to.

Have you discussed the way you're feeling with him?

Yes I've tried. But he just hugs me and cries and doesn't really say anything. I know that it hurts him to hurt me but I can't understand why he's doing it if he doesn't actually give me a decent reason. Some one else said he doesn't need to but I think he does.

OP posts:

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/03/2024 23:09

If you don't want a termination, you absolutely MUST NOT have one.

It will completely eat you up and you will have to live with it.

Keep the baby, your marriage might end, but you will have peace of mind and a beautiful child.

Terminate the pregnancy and you will hate your husband and yourself.

Copperoliverbear · 16/03/2024 23:32

I would not do it if I didn't want to and I certainly wouldn't be made to.
I would also tell him if he doesn't want number five go and have a vasectomy, he played a part in baby number four, so he needs to do something to make sure it's not five.
I'd also be telling him baby number four is staying.

coffeeandcake91 · 16/03/2024 23:35

kiwimum3 · 16/03/2024 23:08

Yes I've tried. But he just hugs me and cries and doesn't really say anything. I know that it hurts him to hurt me but I can't understand why he's doing it if he doesn't actually give me a decent reason. Some one else said he doesn't need to but I think he does.

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I've sent you a PM xx

coffeeandcake91 · 16/03/2024 23:35

Copperoliverbear · 16/03/2024 23:32

I would not do it if I didn't want to and I certainly wouldn't be made to.
I would also tell him if he doesn't want number five go and have a vasectomy, he played a part in baby number four, so he needs to do something to make sure it's not five.
I'd also be telling him baby number four is staying.

This. he needs a vasectomy

Comedycook · 16/03/2024 23:39

Would you rather keep the baby and have four children as a single parent or terminate and stay together?

I'm not saying it will come down to that necessarily, he may come round...but what is more important to you...the baby or your relationship?

ladykale · 16/03/2024 23:42

Comedycook · 16/03/2024 23:39

Would you rather keep the baby and have four children as a single parent or terminate and stay together?

I'm not saying it will come down to that necessarily, he may come round...but what is more important to you...the baby or your relationship?

Termination should be weighed up through this lens.

It's not her relationship or the baby necessarily

Being coerced into a termination can cause lifelong mental health issues

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 16/03/2024 23:42

@kiwimum3 , you do not want to terminate this baby. I’m very concerned what it would do to you and your relationship if you did. You can’t be bullied into this you will never forgive your husband and it will wreck your relationship.

Annielou67 · 16/03/2024 23:44

Oh gosh. I am sorry that you haven’t got the support from your husband. I became unexpectedly pregnant to a long term partner and he changed overnight. He said that it was not my choice I had to respect his views and he would have nothing to do with me or the child if I went ahead. He shouted a lot about the injustice of it all. I realised we were not really a couple, he was bullying me. I chose to keep my baby rather than him and I haven’t seen him since the day I told him how it was going to be - although he paid maintenance. I made the right choice. My son makes me so happy.
Ithink only you can judge whether he is trying to coerce you into abortion. If he threatens to leave, I would let him. As others have said you may well lose all respect and love for him if you abort. All the very best.

RagzRebooted · 16/03/2024 23:47

It sounds like you really don't want to and would be quite traumatised if you had to go through with it. Which is a very good reason not to.

I was the other way, terminated our 4th (actually 5th, 4th was stillborn) and it a very easy decision as I knew having a 4th wasn't right for us. In fact, I'd booked the termination before I even told DH I was pregnant. Never regretted it for a second. DH would have supported me if I'd decided I couldn't face a termination.

You have to weigh up the damage. What will have a worse impact on who? Will your DH leave you if you don't terminate?

Comedycook · 16/03/2024 23:52

ladykale · 16/03/2024 23:42

Termination should be weighed up through this lens.

It's not her relationship or the baby necessarily

Being coerced into a termination can cause lifelong mental health issues

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Yes I agree...and I'm not saying this is the choice she has to make necessarily. Just asking what is more important. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that the op could end up as a single mum of four. That needs to be considered. Maybe she could cope? Maybe not.

TwylaSands · 16/03/2024 23:54

kiwimum3 · 16/03/2024 23:08

Yes I've tried. But he just hugs me and cries and doesn't really say anything. I know that it hurts him to hurt me but I can't understand why he's doing it if he doesn't actually give me a decent reason. Some one else said he doesn't need to but I think he does.

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He doesnt need to give you a reason and you dont need to have a termination. You just say no.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/03/2024 23:54

It's your choice.

He had a choice to get the snip and chose not to

Comedycook · 16/03/2024 23:55

There are actually four possible scenarios

Op keeps the baby and the relationship continues.

Op keeps the baby and the relationship ends

Op terminates and the relationship continues

Op terminates and the relationship ends

Sorry to lay it out so bluntly. The op needs to consider which scenario is the best/worst for her.

Original poster

kiwimum3 · 16/03/2024 23:55

RagzRebooted · 16/03/2024 23:47

It sounds like you really don't want to and would be quite traumatised if you had to go through with it. Which is a very good reason not to.

I was the other way, terminated our 4th (actually 5th, 4th was stillborn) and it a very easy decision as I knew having a 4th wasn't right for us. In fact, I'd booked the termination before I even told DH I was pregnant. Never regretted it for a second. DH would have supported me if I'd decided I couldn't face a termination.

You have to weigh up the damage. What will have a worse impact on who? Will your DH leave you if you don't terminate?

I'm so sorry to hear about your stillbirth ❤️

I'm glad you were able to make the right decision for you regarding termination and that you had your husband's support.

I really don't think he would leave me over this baby. He loves our children dearly. I think he just doesn't feel like this child exists yet but once it becomes more real I think he would come round. I THINK. I certainly don't KNOW. But I do think that for him, losing me would be worse than having another child.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 16/03/2024 23:56

If you don't want to terminate don't do it. I have a friend who got a termination because her DH pressured her to do it. Afterwards she was depressed. She struggled to care for her DC. Her marriage broke down because she couldn't get past it and cried all the time. They are divorced now. The thing is now her exh tells people he wouldn't have pushed her to terminate if he'd known what would happen afterwards.

JFDIYOLO · 16/03/2024 23:57

He has as much right to feel and say he doesn't want another child as you have to want the baby.

The emotional, physical, financial weight of a fourth child may be an awful prospect for him.

But pressurising you and coercing you into a termination you do not want will stay with you forever.

And it will fundamentally change how you see and feel about him.

The marriage may well not survive either way.

Or once the baby is here, he may be happy.

Do not end or continue to please or appease him. Do what you feel is right for you.