Husband wants me to terminate our 4th

[kiwimum3]

I don't know where else to turn to. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this and desperately need some guidance.

I'll start by saying that I have a fantastic marriage and family life. We have three beautiful children. Our first was a surprise when we were both very young and our other two children were very much planned.

I just found out a week ago that I am pregnant with baby #4. We were using protection and I actually have no idea how this happened. My husband immediately said I have to get a termination. I'm devastated. I had always wanted a fourth but we had agreed no more and I had come to terms with it. But this isn't a hypothetical discussion anymore. It's actually happening and I can't even fathom how I will go through with this.

It's been a week now and I was hoping he might have processed this a bit and come around but he's as firm as ever that we can't go through with this. He won't even give me a reason other than he doesn't want to.

We have bigger age gaps with our kids (12, 6 and 2) so I think he feels like we've been in the "baby stage" for so long. I do agree with this but it doesn't feel like a strong enough reason to end the pregnancy. I'm also deeply afraid of what this will do to my mental health and our marriage. Even the thought makes me feel sick to my stomach and I'm scared that I will never forgive him or myself if I do what he wants.

What on earth am I supposed to do?

If it’s not what you want, don’t do it. It’s that simple. If your DH really didn’t want anymore children, he could have had a vasectomy earlier.

Looking at the ages of your children, a baby would fit in well. Perhaps this was meant to be? I used to laugh at people who said that but I now think that sometimes it’s true.

Continue with the pregnancy and don’t let yourself be persuaded to do something you don’t want to do xx

Yes, I do think that ''not wanting another'' is a valid reason to not have another child but I don't consider this a good enough reason to terminate one that has already been created
OP I agree with you entirely here. Perhaps from his perspective there is no difference - after all he is not carrying it - but you'd need to go back in time for what he wants. Sticking at 3 is not the same as being pressured to terminate a fourth.
For what it's worth if he's a good, involved dad to his other three I suspect he would come round when the baby is here. No guarantees though. I also suspect he will finally pull his finger out and get a vasectomy now.

I fell pregnant with my ex (take note of that) nearly 10yrs ago.
I was basically bullied into a termination that I didn't want to have after being told I'd ruined his life, he would kill himself, I'd end up having a stillborn because I wouldn't be able to cope or he would leave me when the baby was young because he didn't want it and I'd forced him into a situation that he never wanted.
It's utter bullshit when men don't take responsibility for contraception for themselves. If they really didn't want a child then the would either completely abstain from sex or get a vasectomy. There is no other excuse on their behalf that's valid.
I've never forgiven myself for not standing up for myself or for my unborn child.
I never forgave him for forcing me to make that decision. It was blackmail, simple as that and the relationship in my opinion is non-salvageable after something as huge as this. I never ever looked at him the same again.
I deeply regret what I did and I fear you will too if you do it to 'please' him. What about you and your feelings?
I am completely pro choice but it has to be entirely YOUR choice and nobody else's.

I honestly think stick to your guns and your marriage will come through this. Your husband loves you and he won't hold anything against you when you have the child. It will be hard for a while but tell him you love him and want to be with him but that you cannot do this even if it risks loosing him. He'll come round in all likelihood. It might be a tough ride but you will get through it and I think together x

You have to weigh up the damage. What will have a worse impact on who?

Unlike @RagzRebooted I dint think that you should give as much importance to the effect on your dh as you do to the effect on you.

Thats because

• you actually don’t know what your dh is thinking, how he feels deep down etc…. Esp as he didn’t tell you.
• your dh has been quite abrupt in his answer - I just dont want another baby. He hasn’t shown any signs of thinking about the impact on you
• i think it’s very easy for women to constantly think about our dh wellbeing, often at the detriment of our own. I found that thinking about myself first actually only redress the balance. It doesn’t tip it into full on selfishness iyswim
• regardless of your decision, you are the one who is going to bear the weight of the decision. Have a termination and you are the one who will have to do it and go through it as well as living with the knowledge you ended the pregnancy. How will you cope with that? If you go ahead with the oreganos, you are the one who will be oregano, have to give birth and likely to end up a single parent. Seeing the disproportionate impact on you, your health and your MH, I think it’s only fair you get to decide on your terms, wo giving the same weight to your dh views.

Hi OP, I hope this is helpful as it is meant to be…
I was in a similar situation with my third child - became pregnant accidentally and DP initially wanted me to have a termination. I did consider it because I was afraid he wouldn’t support me - we had previously discussed a third, I wanted one, he didn’t. However I quickly realised I couldn’t go through with a termination and was prepared to be a single mum of three if necessary. Long story short the third child is here and much loved by both of us. I love having three and it made me feel compete. DP has a great relationship with DC. They are all teenagers now.
But. There is a but. It was incredibly hard when they were small in ways that I think have left an impact. DP’s reasoning for not wanting 3 was that he ‘couldn’t cope’ - I minimised this and I shouldn’t have. He did not cope well with the additional noise, stress and pressure of 3 small children. I’ve had to work FT in a very stressful job too to afford them.

None of this would make me change my decision and I definitely made the right decision for me. We are still together happily, although there were some stormy years. I guess the point I would like to make is that in my experience there have been lasting consequences of the fact that he didn’t want a 3rd. I often read threads here where it seems the partner comes round as soon as the baby is born and all is well. I really hope that will be your experience but just wanted to share a different perspective.

What part of 'he refuses to discuss it' are you not getting??

@SpringSprungALeak It's only been a week. Something like this takes time to process on both sides and he is probably still in shock and struggling to come to terms with it. You can't just say "he refuses to discuss it" and leave it at that. At some point he will come around and communicate.

He had made it very clear that he didn't want to father anymore children and he is entitled to feel disappointed about this.

Obviously, he's not entitled to demand that OP have a termination, and nobody is saying that. But I can see that as an initial reaction, he is struggling.

I stand by my original post and they are going to have to communicate about this at some point and (attempt to) get onto the same page.

This

Tell him he's not 4 & 'I don't want to' is not an adult answer.

@SpringSprungALeak But he doesn't want to. It's the truth and there may be no more to it than that.

"I don't want to father another child" is a perfectly valid reason to not want a pregnancy to continue.

That doesn't mean it shouldn't continue - it is OP's body and choice ultimately. But this reason is 100% valid and "adult".

Is there a reason he hasn't had a vasectomy if he's so certain he wants no further kids? Or does he just expected all responsibility for that to fall on you?

He was not doing anything wrong by not having a vasectomy the immediate moment he realised he didn't want more children. They were using protection.

Sorry you are going through this OP, I can see you're in an impossible situation, especially if he won't discuss it. I have a slightly different view to some other PPs. I would try to think about the impact on my current DCs if I went ahead and then messed up my marriage.

Could you give the 4 children the life they are used to? How would they be affected by your potential divorce? Are you the main wage earner or is he, and if the latter then where will your money come from for your family? I understand you don't want to terminate, but I think I would lean towards terminating just to preserve life for my DCs as they know it. Surely if you split due to a 4th child the others could really resent it (and you). Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, I can see that isn't the most popular view. But I do think it's being realistic.

@teacrumpetsandcake no he doesn’t want to. And as a reason that’s enough.

But stopping the conversation there is not communication. It’s not facing the problem and solving the issue as a team - which is what you’d expect from a good partner.
It’s also not showing any compassion for your partner. It’s not showing how he realises the difficulty of taking such a decision and how deep the consequence could be.

Instead, the OP is here trying to get her head around what to do. She is having to make the decision on her own, with no support from him but rather a clear feeling he might well make her life very difficult if she says ´but I want to’ and goes ahead with the pregnancy.

Which makes his response closer to a toddler having a tantrum than an grown up adult that has to face a really difficult decision WITH his partner

But he took a risk.
He at least didn’t research how safe condoms were. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Yes, I do think that ''not wanting another'' is a valid reason to not have another child but I don't consider this a good enough reason to terminate one that has already been created

I disagree. Choosing whether to conceive and deciding whether to terminate are 2 very different decisions but the reasoning can be the same

@InSpainTheRain

that completely ignores that likelihood that the OP suffers badly from being pushed into an abortion she doesn't want & can't continue to be married to a man that pushed her into it.

@teacrumpetsandcake

we disagree 'I don't want to' is not a reason, it's a conclusion. He needs to grow up & say why he's come to that conclusion.

If you don’t want to terminate then don’t. However you do need to consider the possibility that your marriage could end if you continue with your pregnancy, could you cope being a single parent to four children?. If you feel that even with the possibility of being a single parent and the financial/housing aspect of that you still want the child and would be able to cope then go ahead with the pregnancy.

I also understand that there’s a big possibility of your marriage ending even if you terminate, because of how you’d feel towards your husband. That’s completely understandable too. I think the big question is would you be happier if your marriage ended but you still had this baby, or if your marriage ended and you still went through a termination.

It’s such a difficult situation and I really feel for you. Hopefully he does come around and you have a happy ending like many posters on here, but I think you really need to consider all possibilities when making your decision.

Agree with this

I don't another child and I don't want to have a termination are valid opinions. And he certainly shouldn't be pushing OP as her body, her choice.

But I don't think OP should believe that her husband will come round. He may or may not.

If it was me, I’d have no qualms about having a termination as i know I couldn’t cope with 4 kids, but you presumably do think you want this baby so don’t be pressurised by you husband. This could end your marriage either way.

A friend of mine became unexpectedly pregnant when their teenagers were nearly grown up. The husband didn’t want the baby so she terminated, then about 6 months later he left her for someone else and has gone on to have two more kids with the new woman.
So make the decisions yourself OP, whatever is best for you. Your Husband may or may not stick around either way.

Ultimately he needs to grow up. Crying and saying 'I don't want to' is the behaviour I'd expect from my 3 year old when I ask him to put his coat on, not from a grown ass man discussing the termination of a child.

You mentioned you have an appointment on Tuesday - is he coming with you? He should be there so you can both discuss together, you might actually get something out of him if another adult is in the room with you.

I’m not sure why some posters are piling on the DH for not having a vasectomy yet. He was using contraception that failed. As far as I’m aware, condoms are the only type of contraception currently available to men. The OP chose not to use any other contraception so she was also taking a risk. They’ve both made this baby!

Anyway, you must insist that you both talk about this, OP. I’m relieved to hear that you’re financially secure, that certainly eases the pressure.

I wonder whether it would be worth saying to him that you realize this is a shock and that you know that your family will be complete after this baby-so he should book his vasectomy now. Make it clear that you want to stay together and that a new baby isn’t a reason to break up-because it really isn’t. You’ve got three children, why would a fourth end your relationship?

👆

If I had children of 12, 6 and 2 and I was facing having a fourth child I didn't want, I might be a bit tearful too.