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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband wants me to terminate our 4th

155 replies

kiwimum3 · 16/03/2024 21:11

I don't know where else to turn to. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this and desperately need some guidance.

I'll start by saying that I have a fantastic marriage and family life. We have three beautiful children. Our first was a surprise when we were both very young and our other two children were very much planned.

I just found out a week ago that I am pregnant with baby #4. We were using protection and I actually have no idea how this happened. My husband immediately said I have to get a termination. I'm devastated. I had always wanted a fourth but we had agreed no more and I had come to terms with it. But this isn't a hypothetical discussion anymore. It's actually happening and I can't even fathom how I will go through with this.

It's been a week now and I was hoping he might have processed this a bit and come around but he's as firm as ever that we can't go through with this. He won't even give me a reason other than he doesn't want to.

We have bigger age gaps with our kids (12, 6 and 2) so I think he feels like we've been in the "baby stage" for so long. I do agree with this but it doesn't feel like a strong enough reason to end the pregnancy. I'm also deeply afraid of what this will do to my mental health and our marriage. Even the thought makes me feel sick to my stomach and I'm scared that I will never forgive him or myself if I do what he wants.

What on earth am I supposed to do?

OP posts:
Gloriosaford · 16/03/2024 23:59

My husband immediately said I have to get a termination
the reply he deserves is 'had I realised that would be your response I'd have insisted you have the snip' (you selfish git)

BruFord · 17/03/2024 00:05

You say that he’s not willing to talk about why he feels that you should have a termination, he just hugs you and cries. It doesn’t sound as if he’s coping well either, tbh. You really do need to talk about this, OP, can you insist that you discuss it?

In order to move forward, I think that you both really need to explain your positions to each other. You can’t emotionally deal with a termination; he might be extremely worried about finances, for example. You need to express these thoughts to each other. 💐

Apolloneuro · 17/03/2024 00:11

If he was that concerned about a pregnancy he should have had a vasectomy.

You don’t sound like you want to terminate.

Ponderingwindow · 17/03/2024 00:21

he should have abstained until the vasectomy if he wanted zero chance of pregnancy. That is what my DH and I did. We didn’t want another baby, but neither of us were completely comfortable with terminating in our particular circumstance. So we didn’t do anything that could result in pregnancy until he got his 2 all-clear post vasectomy tests.

scoobysnaxx · 17/03/2024 01:08

DO NOT terminate if you do not want to.

I've seen too many women in therapy who have done this and it's haunted them for years. The guilt tears them apart it's so sad.

BeretInParis · 17/03/2024 01:23

What would be the impact of a 4th child on the quality of life for your existing 3 children? I absolutely support your right to choose either way but I haven't read any comments from you that stray from how you feel. What would be the effect on them?

Lwrenn · 17/03/2024 03:34

What would you advise another woman in your shoes?

Probably to never be coerced into a termination you don't want.
So that is your answer.

I have 4, it's tough but brilliant and I'm one of those very lucky lasses with a 50/50 partnership with my dp. And I'd be absolutely knackered with 4 single, but I'd cope and I imagine you would also.

Keep us updated hen x

Eyeroll2024 · 17/03/2024 03:38

You will never forgive him if you have an abortion, he will never forgive you if you don't. So if you feel strongly enough about it you should have the baby and plan for being a single mother.

Codlingmoths · 17/03/2024 03:39

Terminating because my husband wanted to would end our marriage, and it sounds like that’s where you’d end up too- nothing would ever be the same. I think I’d prefer single mum with the 4tg baby rather than single mum without the 4th baby so I’d tell him since he’s not discussing it, I’ve decided, i would never forgive you if I terminated so we would be over. I’ll be keeping the baby and you can leave if you want.

WandaWonder · 17/03/2024 03:54

So what happens with the 5th, 6th, 7th etc.?

MissTrip82 · 17/03/2024 04:06

I think you’re getting hung up on the reason and it doesn’t matter. I don’t want another child. There isn’t a specific reason. I simply don’t want one. He may not have a reason either, he doesn’t have to have one. Even if he has a reason, what reason could he give that would change your mind?

I think it would be a massive mistake to focus on the reason and imply that if he has a good enough reason termination is an option. If it’s not an option for you, that’s it. You don’t need a reason either. You just have to say you don’t want to terminate and that’s it.

madeinmanc · 17/03/2024 04:06

Just a heads-up: this is a post written using AI. I wouldn't bother pointing it out but it worries me that someone who is making an important decision might be influenced by artificial intelligence.

Newestname002 · 17/03/2024 04:24

Type2whattodo · 16/03/2024 21:23

If you don't want to terminate then don't. It could have implications for your marriage but so could termination when you Don't want to. I would be insisting for him to have a vasectomy though if he wants you to terminate.

Yes. After all, if he'd felt so strongly about this after your third was born, he'd have had a vasectomy, wouldn't he? Why wouldn't he make absolutely sure he'd not be bringing another child in the world? 🌹

beAsensible1 · 17/03/2024 04:31

Do you think he might feel it happened on purpose?

as you said he was quite adamant about not wanting another and you were using protection?

I do think you have to do what is right for you while also accepting the implications on your marriage.

cordeliachaseatemyhandbag · 17/03/2024 04:54

He knew the risks when he had sex with you.

All adults know there is always a risk of pregnancy after sex. (Even after vasectomy)

If he was that adamant he didn't want another child he should have abstained from sex.

It's life, he's an adult, he has to suck up his responsibilities.

Original poster
kiwimum3 · 17/03/2024 05:26

beAsensible1 · 17/03/2024 04:31

Do you think he might feel it happened on purpose?

as you said he was quite adamant about not wanting another and you were using protection?

I do think you have to do what is right for you while also accepting the implications on your marriage.

He was using a condom so I'm not sure what you mean by on purpose?

That he would think I tricked him into this somehow? Absolutely not and I don't think he would ever think something like that about me.

This was purely an accident and we both know this.

OP posts:
Darkdiamond · 17/03/2024 05:45

Pick which cause you would rather your marriage potentially ended over.

Having the baby, or aborting the baby?

I would have the baby and take that risk if I was you. You should be a team pulling together in this instance. It's not your husband's place to go around giving orders to make the problem go away (for him) and for you to absorb the emotional consequences of having a termination you don't want. I would start figuring out how to.manage as a single parent and proceed. Everything else after that will be a bonus. Your husband may come around when he sees that an abortion isn't some kind of time machine that you can just pop into and that you will be having the baby, with or without him.

MariaVT65 · 17/03/2024 05:58

I think you need to sit down with him and have a firmer conversation, list out the scenarios.

Literally ask him what he’ll do if you keep the baby. If he continues to ‘hug you and cry’, move away from him and ask him again what he intends to do.

If you continue the pregnancy, it may also depend what kind of baby you get. If baby is easy, he may come round. If baby doesn’t let anyone get any sleep, then it will cause misery and resentment regardless of how much he loves the baby.

If his reasoning is actually that he doesn’t want to go through the baby years again, then actually I think that’s a fair reason for him not to want to go througu it again. I have a 3 year old and a baby, neither of whom let us sleep. We love our kids more than anything, but we are really rather unhappy just from pure exhaustion, and guilt that we could be better parents if we weren’t so tired.

However I think you do also need to ask yourself how you’d feel as a single parent to so many kids.

Bigboysmademedoit · 17/03/2024 06:27

Very similar situation here with our 4th. The other 3 were 9, 5 and 1 and I’d had a very high risk pregnancy and birth with my 3rd and medical staff recommended no more children. We’d booked a vasectomy and were really careful so the pregnancy was a total shock. My husband was adamant about termination for both my health and financially raising four children. We went to the doctor together, got all the information and a few nights later mutually decided we couldn’t go through with it. The pregnancy was a breeze, no issues at all and she completed our family. The kids are up a good bit now and we still say she was sent for a reason - but we were still relieved to get the vasectomy done!

Original poster
kiwimum3 · 17/03/2024 06:40

Bigboysmademedoit · 17/03/2024 06:27

Very similar situation here with our 4th. The other 3 were 9, 5 and 1 and I’d had a very high risk pregnancy and birth with my 3rd and medical staff recommended no more children. We’d booked a vasectomy and were really careful so the pregnancy was a total shock. My husband was adamant about termination for both my health and financially raising four children. We went to the doctor together, got all the information and a few nights later mutually decided we couldn’t go through with it. The pregnancy was a breeze, no issues at all and she completed our family. The kids are up a good bit now and we still say she was sent for a reason - but we were still relieved to get the vasectomy done!

What a beautiful story! I'm so glad everything worked out well. My last pregnancy was quite hard. Not complicated but I was really sick for a while and it was the middle of summer by the end so I was absolutely miserable. He's also been a very full on baby/toddler. He's great and such a happy wee boy, just very active. I think my husband thinks this time round will be the same but it wasn't our experience the first two times and I don't think it will be this time. I'm in the southern hemisphere so will be pregnant autumn-spring this time which will help massively

OP posts:
Frangipanyoul8r · 17/03/2024 07:12

How about you both try and find the time to carve out 2 whole hours. 1 hour where your husband hears your reasoning for keeping the baby. The other separate hour another time where you hear your husband’s reasoning for not having the baby.

The temptation is to just assume each of other’s position and reasoning and snatch 5 minute conversions around family time to try and persuade each other. But the most important thing for your marriage now is making each other feel heard and really listened to. You’re more likely to keep your marriage intact then, whatever the final decision.

Josette77 · 17/03/2024 07:16

Does he have other concerns? Financial issues?

Listen to your own heart, but I think it's important for him to be heard.

It's your decision though and you have to be at peace with whatever you decide.

TwylaSands · 17/03/2024 07:19

Darkdiamond · 17/03/2024 05:45

Pick which cause you would rather your marriage potentially ended over.

Having the baby, or aborting the baby?

I would have the baby and take that risk if I was you. You should be a team pulling together in this instance. It's not your husband's place to go around giving orders to make the problem go away (for him) and for you to absorb the emotional consequences of having a termination you don't want. I would start figuring out how to.manage as a single parent and proceed. Everything else after that will be a bonus. Your husband may come around when he sees that an abortion isn't some kind of time machine that you can just pop into and that you will be having the baby, with or without him.

Completely agree with this. The way he wont give a reason makes me very suspicious of his motives.

Icloud54 · 17/03/2024 07:27

Hey,
No postnatal depression the 4th time around.

My 3rd was born during covid and he was a high needs tricky baby and my other 2 weren't like that so it really through me but he's 3 now and still demanding but lovely and settled into himself.

Loopytiles · 17/03/2024 07:32

It’s good you’re going to talk to someone.

Dislike your H not acknowledging that this is solely your decision: his options are to continue being a good H and father or not.

crying whenever you try to discuss it is crap: doubt it’s because it ‘hurts him to hurt me’!

That said, his reasons for not wanting 4DC will probably be the obvious ones: cost, several more years hard work, parenting a baby/toddler, practicalities, challenges giving all the DC adequate support, concern for your/his health. Whereas for you these kinds of things are perhaps less of a concern than terminating a pregnancy.

Also suggest you reflect on your personal financial and work circumstances, since divorce is a risk here (whether or not you continue the pregnancy). Eg I wouldn’t want more DC because I think I would struggle to hold down my job even whilst married and would struggle to support them and myself financially in the event of divorce.