Husband wants me to terminate our 4th

[kiwimum3]

I don't know where else to turn to. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this and desperately need some guidance.

I'll start by saying that I have a fantastic marriage and family life. We have three beautiful children. Our first was a surprise when we were both very young and our other two children were very much planned.

I just found out a week ago that I am pregnant with baby #4. We were using protection and I actually have no idea how this happened. My husband immediately said I have to get a termination. I'm devastated. I had always wanted a fourth but we had agreed no more and I had come to terms with it. But this isn't a hypothetical discussion anymore. It's actually happening and I can't even fathom how I will go through with this.

It's been a week now and I was hoping he might have processed this a bit and come around but he's as firm as ever that we can't go through with this. He won't even give me a reason other than he doesn't want to.

We have bigger age gaps with our kids (12, 6 and 2) so I think he feels like we've been in the "baby stage" for so long. I do agree with this but it doesn't feel like a strong enough reason to end the pregnancy. I'm also deeply afraid of what this will do to my mental health and our marriage. Even the thought makes me feel sick to my stomach and I'm scared that I will never forgive him or myself if I do what he wants.

What on earth am I supposed to do?

I could have written this in December!

I came off contraception last September because it made my mental health awful. Started tracking periods and ovulation and used the pull out method.
husband had an oops moment end of November which was the day I was ovulating! Did a test 11po= negative but I thought I might be. Did another test 12dpo and BFP. Initially we said ‘yeah we can do this.’
Then we both started to feel terrified. Our children are 11, 8 and 7. We swore we’d never have another. I have a bladder prolapse after our third, so was worried for my body.
After a week of crying and sadness, we knew we wanted our baby.
We’re now 17w+5 days with our little boy and couldn’t be happier.
It was a shock at first and really threw us. But this baby is so wanted and our existing children are excited for their new sibling. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.

I was scared of what people would say- having four children. I was scared of the sleepless nights. I was scared of the cost of childcare. But I’m so excited for him to be here.

I hope you get the ending you want. ❤️

but I'm sure you're a sensible person who, knowing they didnt want a 4th child would have taken steps to prevent this, rather than allow it to happen and blame the other party?

@Becsim Congratulations!😊💖

@Gloriosaford The OP also says that she didn’t originally want a fourth child, yet she wasn’t using any contraception herself. If you knew that you didn’t want to get pregnant, would you do that?

My DH has had a vasectomy and I was v. careful until he had the all-clear. I knew that I needed to be, as our DD was born sooner than planned as the result of being abit careless!

You need to listen to what YOU want - if you don't want to terminate, then don't. Any decent partner would be listening to what you want and having a proper discussion with you and you'd come to a decision together.
If you wanted to terminate, you'd have people telling you "it's your body, your choice" - well it's the same the other way too.
If you terminate when you really don't want to, then like you said yourself, it's your mental health at risk and you may not ever be able to forgive - if you terminate solely because he wants you to (without even having the decency to give you a valid reason other than he just "doesn't want to"), then I wouldn't be trusting him as a life partner to be honest.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best x

Your husband is more likely to forgive having a child than you are terminating a child

Do you think it us fair to bring a child into a family where their father doesn't want them?

But their mother does. So pack it in with the manipulative bs

Do you think it’s fair on the other 3 dcs to shatter the MH of their mum?

OP clearly didnt feel all that strongly about another child did she.
Her partner did but he also felt he could make it all her problem, all her fault. Make sure she takes the hit so he can save himself the bother of preventing the child he is adamant he doesn't want.

@Gloriosaford Well if that’s the case, they’ve clearly got major communication problems, which go beyond their current dilemma.

I agree with you that they need to communicate.

But it's only been a week. It's not a reasonable reaction to shut down, but it's an understandable one.

Yes this can be characterized as a failure of communication between them.

However I would characterize it as him being confident that he can always make her take the hit, that he can always retain the upper hand. He's the man, he's the one with the power and leverage and he will do whatever it takes to make sure he always comes out on top.

@Gloriosaford Well, it's true I would never have relied on condoms if I really really had decided another child was not right for me. But the last time I suggested on here that condoms weren't really very reliable all these posters told me how unreasonable I was in fairly abusive terms. With ideal use condoms are up to 98% effective at preventing pregnancy but in real life about 85% effective which means about 15 out of a 100 women where condoms are used will get pregnant in a year. Just because some people like to comfort themselves with the thought that condoms are really reliable doesn't mean that they are in fact very reliable. So he really should have booked in for that vasectomy shouldn't he? Or maybe discussed contraception with his wife.

@Yellowroseblooms
Yes he ought to have discussed with his wife, but that would mean he has to show his hand rather than say what is convenient after the fact!

Just want to update everyone.

I decided I couldn't go through with the abortion so have decided to continue with the pregnancy. I can't lie, I'm kind of terrified but I know it will all be okay. I'm starting to feel a bit nauseous which I think is making me have some doubts but I know once it passes, I won't regret my decision.

I have told my husband and he is obviously still processing but he said he knew I probably couldn't go through with abortion so has been preparing himself over the last few days. Things are okay between us and I expressed to him that I was worried he might leave me which he said he never would and that there would be no benefit to that so that's been a relief.

I think we will get there with time once we've both got our heads around this big change for our family.

I do have to say, I know he probably doesn't come across well but he truly is an incredible husband and father.

Thank you all again for your messages. You were all so helpful and it gave me a lot to think about which was what I needed.

That's probably the best news you can hope for, at this point, which is great.

He's got plenty of time to adjust. There's nothing like a new baby to soften a heart (even the ones that initially weren't feeling very positive).

I'm glad you've made the decision that is right for you. It really didn't sound like going ahead with a termination was the best thing for you, so I'm glad you're not doing it. Also glad your DH is going to be on board with you.

@kiwimum3 congratulations then, I wish you all the best!
And your husband will be fine. The love between a father and a baby he's convinced he hasn't the energy for is unmatched, you'll all be great x

That’s good news, OP. Now, tell him to get his vasectomy scheduled ASAP!

Oh that's first thing on the list 😅we never ever want to go through this again

Congratulations, and I hope everything goes well 😊

Good luck to you both. He’s not a bad person for leaning towards abortion and you aren’t a bad person for choosing not to. In years to come when your new baby has been a part of your life for what feels like forever, this will all be a distant memory.

I wish you all all the best @kiwimum3

Its great that he knows you well enough to know you couldn’t go through the abortion. And had been preparing himself to it.

Just remember to wait until he’s retested a few months later and got the all clear, most vasectomy babies are from men who haven’t bothered to do that!