Husband wants me to terminate our 4th

[kiwimum3]

I don't know where else to turn to. I can't talk to anyone in real life about this and desperately need some guidance.

I'll start by saying that I have a fantastic marriage and family life. We have three beautiful children. Our first was a surprise when we were both very young and our other two children were very much planned.

I just found out a week ago that I am pregnant with baby #4. We were using protection and I actually have no idea how this happened. My husband immediately said I have to get a termination. I'm devastated. I had always wanted a fourth but we had agreed no more and I had come to terms with it. But this isn't a hypothetical discussion anymore. It's actually happening and I can't even fathom how I will go through with this.

It's been a week now and I was hoping he might have processed this a bit and come around but he's as firm as ever that we can't go through with this. He won't even give me a reason other than he doesn't want to.

We have bigger age gaps with our kids (12, 6 and 2) so I think he feels like we've been in the "baby stage" for so long. I do agree with this but it doesn't feel like a strong enough reason to end the pregnancy. I'm also deeply afraid of what this will do to my mental health and our marriage. Even the thought makes me feel sick to my stomach and I'm scared that I will never forgive him or myself if I do what he wants.

What on earth am I supposed to do?

It's understandable that he is struggling with this - it wasn't planned, he took all the precautions and this isn't how he foresaw spending the next few years - you had both agreed no more. I feel for him.

He doesn't have to give more of a reason than that he doesn't want to father another child - that is his reason and it's valid. I think you need to try to accept his feelings on the matter (that is not saying you need to have a termination - but accept that his feelings about having another child are perfectly reasonable).

I feel for you as well though and in your position I simply couldn't terminate. It is your body at the end of the day and all the other reasons that have already been discussed at length on the thread.

What you need though is clear communication and you both need to see the other's point of view in order to move forward in a healthy way.

Have you thought about having some couple's therapy to help you both express yourselves?

@teacrumpetsandcake has it spot on, he is probably devastated after agreeing no more and having his vasectomy booked in.

I don't think I would be able to terminate either but you need to make sure his feelings aren't brushed under the rug because you blinkered by actually wanting another baby. Couples therapy would be really useful.

My DH pressured me into a termination and we now have serious problems. Sometimes, watching something on tv triggers me and my heart breaks. He’s desperate for us to be ok but the resentment is just too much. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please go with your gut feeling

She didnt say he had one booked. She said he had one planned, which is very different.

Yes, something isn’t ‘planned’ until booked IMO!

His thoughts, feelings and reason(s) for not wanting a 4th DC, whether or not if he can or wants to tell it/them to OP, are valid. As are OP’s, and as it’s her body only she gets to decide.

@Josette77 @teacrumpetsandcake

What part of 'he refuses to discuss it' are you not getting??

@kiwimum3

it's YOUR body, not his. It's not his place to TELL you to have an abortion. He can say it would be his preference, but he should be supporting you if that's not what you want. hat alone would be rocking my marriage because he's not got my back. Him crying isn't helping anyone. Tell him he's not 4 & 'I don't want to' is not an adult answer.

Planning a vasectomy doesn't prevent pregnancy, actually having one certainly decreases the likelihood. He's had a couple of years & hasn't done it. That's on him.

Having an abortion you don't want is a recipe for disaster, both for your own mental health & your marriage. Having an abortion is not turning the clock back to pre pregnancy.

if I were in your situation I just wouldn't bring it up, I'd leave it to him to do that & when he does I'd just say 'No, I'm pregnant, I'm not having an abortion just because you have told me to. I'm not putting myself through an abortion I don't want. It's up to you to decide if you're supporting me & our family, or if you're walking out because I won't 'do as I'm told'

no way would I have an abortion to keep a man, because I won't 'do as I'm told' & if he tried to push me into it, it would change how I felt about him & it would be the end anyway.

What clearer reason could there be? If someone doesn’t want a child, regardless of whether they are the father or the mother of that child, that’s the strongest reason possible not to have it.

The OP is in a very difficult situation, but there is no magic “good enough reason” that will convince her that a termination would be the right decision.

I would also assume OP knows if finances are a concern. Surely she knows if finances are an issue for him.

@kiwimum3 it's not a story I like to share because it actually makes me want to cry when I think about it. She's been through hell - the termination, divorce, financially ruined now (she moved out as couldn't afford the family home on her own and now has had to return to work full time so misses out a lot on her children as used to be able to do pick ups and drop offs and was off one day a week), and worst of all her ex-husband wouldn't agree to anything other than 50:50 split of having their children which she absolutely hates.

I don't often share the story as it's not mine to share but seeing as it was such a similar situation to hers I wouldn't want another woman to be left feeling the way she has (still several years on) x

I just want to clear a few things up.

No finances aren't an immediate concern. We are both self employed and work from home and things are very stable. I'm sure everyone wishes they had more money but we certainly aren't in a dire state by any means.

Yes, there was a time where I had wanted a fourth but we discussed it and both agreed we were done. I had fully let go of these feelings so when I found out I was pregnant, I was just as shocked as he was.

Yes, I do think that ''not wanting another'' is a valid reason to not have another child but I don't consider this a good enough reason to terminate one that has already been created.

I had told him recently that he needed to sort the vasectomy as I didn't want to get pregnant and I didn't want an abortion so he was well aware of my feelings and the risks. We also did (like many other people) think that condoms were a responsible way to prevent pregnancy until the vasectomy.

Also, thank you from the bottom of my heart for every single reply. You have no idea how much you have all helped me ❤️

Ultimately, it takes two people to make a baby.If he was that against having another he should have ensured the contraception was doubled up and therefore likely infalliable.

Not wanting to try for another baby is one thing.Wanting you to terminate a baby already created is completely different.

I think it is horrible of him to try and make you terminate a baby you really want....also he likes kids enough to have 3 and i'm guessing you've had the means and resources to parent that many successfully so unless its going to put you on the breadline or seriously compromise your existing kids in some way, what's one more?! You have decent age gaps too so they're not all tiny.

Maybe he will come round maybe he won't, but i think that would show you his true colours anyway if he is so stubborn with no good reason.If you go with what he wants and terminate the pregnancy, you'll likely resent him forever and it will cause irreparable damage to your relationship anyway.

I think he might feel alot of guilt and regret if you go ahead when he sees the actual baby and wonders how he could ever have thought not to keep it.
Men can struggle to connect with a pregnancy until the birth.

Even if he does give you a reason you will try to talk him round to your reasons for keeping. Is there any reason at all that would make you change your mind?
It is so hard to live with an unwanted termination that it will probably damage your relationship anyway.
I was in this position with my dc3. Husband totally refused to accept or discuss. He wore me down and I eventually booked a termination BUT absolutely against my wishes. The afternoon before I realised I couldn't go through with it. Even today so many years later I still feel guilt for having actually booked it. I had our baby and two years later we divorced (but only because I found out he had been having an affair for several years.)
It's so hard and I feel for anyone in this position. It could be that he is just in a rabbit in the headlights frame of mind and he will eventually come around to a discussion. He needs to realise that whichever way this goes it is a life changing decision for you both.
Ultimately it is YOUR decision.

I think you need to sit down and really explain to him that termination isnt what you want and how it will effect you and most probably your marriage if you were to go through with a termination you don't want I think that would be very difficult to live with personally . Would speaking to someone as a couple to try properly vocalise both sides be an option ? Please don't do anything you really aren't sure about or don't want it's you that will have to carry that x

Is he worried about your mental health if you suffered from postnatal depression before. Was it a bad time for you all? Maybe he’s remembering it all and worried it will happen again, maybe he doesn’t find it easy to tell you that?
I have two children and me and my husband both agreed if I were to get pregnant we wouldn’t keep it. I love my two children (much older now) but I wouldn’t want to go back to the beginning and start again. It’s really hard work. I agree with pp that your dh can’t just insist on termination without giving you his reasons/concerns at all so I’d be keen to start a discussion making it clear you want to keep the baby as he is giving you no reasons why not. Of course maybe he doesn’t really have a reason, maybe he just doesn’t want another baby.

The point where you say he just hugs you and cries.
I think I would be suggesting to him that he needs to see a counsellor and talk through his feelings, because this is not a reasoned or healthy reaction. As you say, the pregnancy is here, and as others say, he cannot coerce you into having a termination which you do not want.
I would be suggesting to him that he speaks to a trained third party to work things out in his mind, that you are also happy to speak with this person if it would help the both of you. I would put it back to him as a problem he needs to address - by which I mean his response to your pregnancy, not only him getting a vasectomy.

If he is not prepared to do this, then I would also be questioning his ‘great husband’ credentials. He just wants the issue to go away - it won’t.

A sensible answer rather than the "your body your choice" idiocy.
A sensible person would look at the impact on the whole family, not just a selfish binary choice.
House big enough? Finances in place? Car big enough? Do you really want to risk your marriage - what about the impact of that on the kids you have?

I would terminate and try to get everyone snd everything on side so it's a supported joint decision for a 4th. To risk the upbringing of the 3 you have (possible divorce) and the emotional harm that would bring, is incredibly selfish. I'm not saying he's right but this isn't just about you and him.

This is awful truly. Effectively your marriage is going to end because of an accident.

It is your decision currently, as it’s your body, however it is also his decision to not want a fourth child and end the marriage in the same way that you would if you terminated.

• are you ready to solo parent
• are you willing to prioritise this child over your marriage and your set up with your current children (this will come back up when they are older)
• can you financially support yourself
• what is your DH like generally, will he make getting child maintenance difficult

Don't do it OP! If you don't want to then don't!

If he really didn't want a 4th child THIS badly then why didn't he wear a condom??? It's his own fault

This is good advice.

However, I think educated parents have a responsibility not only to their own desires, but how their decisions impact on their family and the environment.

Perhaps three healthy children are enough.

I'd say he hugs her and cries because he loves her and knows how set on the baby she is - and that it will impact on him, the rest of the kids and the dynamic they have now.

Either way.

Your body, your choice is not idiocy, it is the basis of medical consent. Nobody should be forced or coerced into a medical procedure they do not want.
That is not to say there are not other factors to weigh up and consider in this case and many others like it, but I think the basis of reproductive autonomy is also being enabled and supported to continue a pregnancy, not just have the option to end it. If men do not accept this, they should refrain from having sex (or have the vasectomy). It is that simple.

But it needs a more constructive response and counselling could help them both work through this.

Good luck OP, I hope your marriage can survive this. It’s clear from all of your posts that keeping the baby is the only option for you and he will have to respect that. He should have got the snip earlier if he felt that strongly.

What a stupid question.

OP@kiwimum3 just to put a slightly different perspective on why he might have fears ....i had PND with both my pregnancies ,the 1st time it was particularly terrible and did nearly break us, the second time we were able to plan more and put more help in place but I know my husband was very fearful of being left to deal with everything again whilst I was mentally "not in the room".I really would suggest joint counselling at some point as its important to give you both full opportunity to get through this together - I would likely have lost my kids if we split up as I wouldn't have been able to care for mine without his support and i would terminate if in the same position as you .....but no one can say whether another woman should or shouldn't terminate.