Before I go I thought I'd share this with you, I wrote it in bed last night, I had to get something out of my brain 😞 some might be waffle as it was 2am
Good luck everyone routing for you all so much
I'm not sure sure where to start with this one, but I feel like there's not much more of my heart left which could be ripped away from me. Ever since I was a little girl myself I have been obsessed with children, I knew from the very start that I wanted my very own family, a loving safe unit. Some people have other dreams an aspirations, but mine were to be financially stable, but my real dream with to have a family of my own.
I would have been absolutely ok with falling pregnant at a younger age, I guess I've always been a person that hasn't want to plan their life, I've just wanted to see how it rolls out for me, but I am also glad we got to have lots of wild parties, lots of holidays and fun together, but deep down I still could have done those things but with our own child waiting for us at home. I've honestly just never pined for anything more.
I've always loved other people's children, I'd be the one again from a young age who'd rather leave their friends and drink in the beer garden and spend time playing and giving the children my attention, it's always given me a warm feeling inside and I've never not imagined myself in those situations.
When we got married I was so excited to marry Jon, because Ive always wanted that pure commitment, to me marriage is commitment, and I am very old school like that, I knew at this point I didn't want to be pregnant for my dream wedding, the only time I really wanted to focus on us as a couple and not with our own child.
When we got married I was so over the moon with happiness, but I was also over the moon that we could now finally start trying for our own family, Jon's never been someone who wanted children young, he's always wanted to put himself first which I totally accepted so for him to finally want this too and to be at this stage I was just ooozing with excitement.
I never really thought about the hardship of getting pregnant until we started our very own journey, one year had passed and I just couldn't understand why we still weren't pregnant, I guess it could just be on of those things, but again statistics say couples under the age of 30 should conceive naturally within 6-12 months, I'm guessing we weren't one of those statistics as per usual, it seems that me an Jon like to create our own difficult statistics.
After a year had passed I started to worry and panic that, what if this will never happen for us, do we not deserve a child, is my body just not up to it, is it because I got drunk with my friends at the weekend, I just started to torment myself, you could call it go a little crazy, because that kind of is the truth.
Two years have passed, and we've had all the tests possible, nothing can be found apart from slightly low morphology on Jon's side, ' this shouldn't be much of an issue, says the consultant, just might take you longer' oh well that's just great thank you for that useful information. Throughout this whole process I really have felt alone with the medical world, I just know that there are so many other couples who are longing for the same thing, but I guess we are just statistics and numbers, the UK is full of desperation right now and they're at their full capacity.
As year three is arriving, im completely out of control with my mental health, me and Jon are struggling, my mental health is spirriling, and it's got to a point where I'm not healthy enough physically or mentally to even get pregnant if I wanted too. This was causing more upset and anger and I was just a very lost and lonely soul. Eventually I decided that this was not the road that I wanted to go down and with therapy for other things and help and understanding from Jon I eventually started to see the light again, and decided to be the happiest I could be living a life just me and Jon how ever hard that was to accept.
I was unsure what was going to happen from here but I had to go with it, even though the emptiness was still very much there. In December we finally had a mirical, after a boozy day out at the races we decided to test, mostly for a joke because we know it wasn't going to be as all the other 100 tests werent, so you can imagine our reaction when we saw a bit fat positive.
For weeks we were so happy, finally I felt like a women, my body could get pregnant and I felt so much happier, sadly within 7 weeks it was all ripped from under us and I had to go into hospital with horrendous contraction pains, never in my life had any one warned me about this is how a miscarriage would feel like because it's not spoken about as a community , and it's a very lonely place. After a 2 day stay in hospital they confirmed the news that the baby was gone, she grabbed my arm and used the words I'm so sorry. These words I now cannot stand. I just feel like a sob story, someone they feel sorry for and I can't stand it.
To my amazement, I decided to be strong, I couldn't let my self go back to that dark place, because I just know that place isn't for me and won't get me anywhere, I think I am also genuinely stronger from all this shit life just keeps throwing at us. With this thinking I decided to crack on book a holiday and live my life again, what else could I do?
To our amazement, we fell pregnant again in March, I just couldn't believe it, this is our time now, I know it will be, it's got to be, surely life can't be that cruel to let another baby die, I want this so bad and will be the best mom, so this had to be it.
Due to my first miscarriage I really struggled, after weeks of fear, severe anxiety and sleepless nights, with lots of medical problems along the way yet again, we went for a check up 9 week scan to be told that our baby had died again, it had grown so much from our 7 week scan, and again those words were used, I am so sorry. I just needed to get out of that room, I had never felt grief like it in my life, this time was so different, I wasn't expecting it, I had hope and I had no reason to feel that baby had passed away.
They surgically removed my baby the next day, because I could physically and mentally go through another miscarriage, and part of me was glad that I got to have that chance, I mean how can I be saying this, like it's a positive thing, but there was no way in hell i was going through that trauma again if my body didn't have too. I was absolutely petrified to my bones, but yet again I had no choice and had to power through.
Needles, scans, swabs, sonographer rooms, drs rooms have become the norm and I just cant believe this is the life that has been chosen for me. Right now, I feel empty, I feel angry, I feel numb, I feel lost, I feel bitter, there are so many things that I feel, but as a women were pretty crazy because i just can't give up. On other situations having to go through so much we'd give up. But on this one I can't.
I think any amount of pain and suffering is worth it to be able to hold your very own baby of your own, and hand on my heart, I don't feel like I'll ever get that, I don't feel like it's going to happen for us and that absolutely eats me inside, our friends around us are all living their magical moments, unexpected pregnancys, planned pregnancies, having little ones already, getting married, and we're just living in a dark black hole. What the hell am I meant to do?
We should of had our baby this year, we should of had our baby to celebrate this Christmas with, but now we're just suffering the unknown and deep sadness again.
I just hope that one day, life will be good to us and we can have everything we ever dreamed of.