Page 9 | How do I break the news to my husband?

Rainbowdaisys · 2023-12-12T20:14:54+00:00

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy. My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant. I haven't told him, and I don't know how. He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion. I'd never want this. I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him. With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year. I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts. But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around. Any advise?

CarrotsAndCheese · 13/12/2023 14:03

Marshmallowtoastie · 12/12/2023 20:26

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.
thats a big statement from someone who failed to get the snip. Lovely that he feels he can make medical demands on you though, and also your certainty that he will ruin Christmas for your existing children too, he sounds a delight.

Decide what you want to do first, consider if you can do it alone also in case he leaves / is so unbearable that you leave. And make your own decision then tell him what’s happening. It’s best to be sure yourself so you’re not pushed by him sulking and being horrible into a decision you’re potentially unhappy with.
Ultimately he had sex with a fertile woman using a contraception that does not have a 100% success rate. He knew the risk he was taking. It’s not his place to now demand what you do. Good luck op

This

MrsRachelDanvers · 13/12/2023 14:08

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 12:04

There's just one problem with this.

All the methods of contraception which are more reliable than condoms or less invasive than a vasectomy are the woman's responsibility.

And in this case, the person who absolutely did not want another baby was the man.

HIS only choices, to protect HIMSELF against the possibility of getting his wife pregnant, were condoms or a vasectomy. He chose condoms.

Show quote history

Surely in a marriage, it’s a joint responsibility? You make decisions based on you both as a couple and if my dh was adamant no more children after child number 4, I wouldn’t just say it’s tough shit-many couples don’t have surgery as contraception -and yes-realistically, most contraception methods are taken by the woman. How can you have a marriage with you both acting as above?

minuette1 · 13/12/2023 14:23

I don't agree with all the comments about if he didn't want a baby he should have got the snip as if this is solely his fault. Contraception is a joint responsibility when it's been agreed no more children - the OP said all her other children were planned and tried for, so surely she knows her cycle well enough to avoid sex at the time of ovulation - although to be fair, he could have worked this out too. Condoms are known not to be fool-proof. However, as she is pregnant now, it's too late.

It's a really difficult situation either way - if the OP is pressured into an abortion she will end up resenting her husband, and if there is another baby the DH will be miserable, especially as he would have been happy being one and done.

OP my advice would be to tell him as soon as possible. Imagine someone walking around with a life changing secret that they were purposefully with-holding from you. You never know, he might just surprise you and go with the flow!

SecondUsername4me · 13/12/2023 14:24

Contraception is a joint responsibility when it's been agreed no more children

It wasn't agreed. He said he didn't want any more. She didn't.

Inyournewdress · 13/12/2023 14:25

No one can tell you that you ‘have to have’ an abortion. If he was that adamant about not wanting children then he should have had a vasectomy or abstained from sex. The fact he would suggest you go through a termination when he wouldn’t have a vasectomy is ridiculous.

I can sympathise with your husband feeling that you’ve enough on your plate with four children you have. I can’t imagine how you manage to be honest but then I am a fairly hopeless and ineffective person. But it’s too late for that now and he’s just going to have to accept it. I would say from the start that while you may feel differently about the pregnancy, he is every bit as much a part of creating it as you are and you are not in any way to ‘blame’ and won’t accept any comment implying you are. So while you’ll try to help him adjust you will not be hearing any of that crap including as relates to pressure to abort. That is not something he could ever expect or assume you would do. From the start shut down any discussion of blame or of termination.

Personally though I do feel he deserves to know and would tell him right away, Christmas or not. You can a viability scan and then have the harmony test or equivalent fairly early on and get the results together, if that’s what you want.

Snowdogsmitten · 13/12/2023 14:25

UserNMCHNG · 13/12/2023 13:34

If the OP is in the UK, you can have an abortion easily no questions asked up to 24 weeks!

I know this because I was in your shoes ten years ago OP.

We had 2 kids, I was a stay at home mom with a breadwinner husband and I was desperate for a third. Always wanted three kids. So we were discussing having a third (DH wasn't against the idea either) and were using the calendar method.

Couple months in I fell pregnant with baby number 3. Abortion was out of the question for me as we hadn't been using 'proper' contraception, so I felt we were asking for a child.

I spilled the beans immediately, it felt too HUGE of a fact to keep to myself and I'd always strive for transparency. It's a partnership.

Should you carry that secret for two more weeks OP? Can you? Why does it feel like a burden for you to carry it around?

I'd love to report that everything was fine after I shared the news at about 6 weeks with DH but what ensued was hell, OP.

Until 12 weeks DH kept quiet, hoping that I'd 'come to my senses' without him being the bad guy. But once that 12 week date passed the pressure mounted.

My husband moved out on my DS's 2nd birthday. I still can't look at pics from that time without choking.

Divorce was on the cards and I was ready for it as I couldn't/wouldn't have the abortion. We had a chat with Marie Stopes which was very helpful (the social worker said that it's so sad as she saw that we clearly love each other but can't agree on that one massive point).

From 12-24 weeks I was bullied into having an abortion. I was clinging on to my baby's life, having the worst pregnancy mentally with almost daily harassment from DH and parents in law! Bitch of MIL visited me telling me to have an abortion, I'll never forget that, how can you do that to your DIL who is 18 or so weeks along?

My in-laws even called my parents to tell the to rein me in. I still get furious thinking about it all. (My DH actually impregnated a girlfriend at 20! I'd tell my son to man up tbh)

I grew some balls and stood up to them all. I became fierce. Forget 'what will my in-laws think' you can't have your cake and eat it. You want the baby? Own the decision, don't sneak around.

Ten years on...in the end we stayed together. My friend once asked me how I could forgive my husband for this. I think I did it by laying all the fury at the feet of my in-laws. As time has moved on I now want to forgive my MIL. She doesn't know any better and has grown up very poor. So I understand where she comes from. In her mind 3 kids aren't a blessing, they're a burden.

And she has a point! It's been hard. But we shouldered the responsibility financially, lifestyle, it has had a big impact. Even our relationship and sex life has suffered. Hear hear.

This brings me to my final point OP.

3 kids had been hard and I had full time help in addition to DH (who now adores 'baby' number 3).

I have some hard questions for you I'm afraid

Are you ready to risk your current setup for a 5th baby?
How will YOU manage 5? I guess if you have 4 already you know how back breaking a larger family is? Do you have help?
Are all 4 kids getting their needs met?
Are you okay with not fully meeting each of your kids' needs?
Are you happy not to go back to your career for years, if at all? It looks like that's the way you might be headed?
Are you happy not to have access to money that is truly your own that you can piss away as you please without being accountable to anyone for a long time?

I remember posting on here all those years back and reading some answers was very upsetting and hurtful. Sending you hugs.

I guess you need to face some harsh facts in the next few days and for that I'm sending you lots of strength and love and hope all goes well for you.

Show quote history

Wow, I don’t know how you could forgive him for that.

QueenCamilla · 13/12/2023 14:27

mn29 · 13/12/2023 13:32

Well, it's very much a consequence of refusing the vasectomy! If you don't want to terminate he cannot make you and you should not let him control you. Frankly, he sounds awful.

I'd say it's a consequence of not leaving someone who is clearly not on the same page on something as important as family planning. "Sleeping with the enemy".

It's one of those points of compatibility that is extremely important to ensure. The consequences of failing to do so are painful and lifetime long, whether it's no children, too few or too many.

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 14:29

MrsRachelDanvers · 13/12/2023 14:08

Surely in a marriage, it’s a joint responsibility? You make decisions based on you both as a couple and if my dh was adamant no more children after child number 4, I wouldn’t just say it’s tough shit-many couples don’t have surgery as contraception -and yes-realistically, most contraception methods are taken by the woman. How can you have a marriage with you both acting as above?

Show quote history

I didn't mean whose decision it is, I meant whose body it is in.

pontipinemum · 13/12/2023 14:31

@UserNMCHNG firstly, what a very helpful post for the OP. I'm so sorry for everything you went through with your ILs. Just in case it does matter to someone, in NI it is only up to 12 weeks for any reason. After that is under limited circumstances, AFAIK.

mrboombasticwhy · 13/12/2023 14:31

Good luck

TomatoChilliSoup · 13/12/2023 14:34

I sort of had a similar situation 14 years ago.

I was told at 23 weeks that my unborn baby had some of his brain missing and if he survived, would be severely disabled. My DH wanted me to have an abortion and my parent, brother and SIL all put pressure on me to do so too. I wasn't living in the UK at the time and the abortion deadline was 26 weeks. I got told after that, I could go to jail! I got a lot of pressure about ruining my DC1's life by going ahead etc. My DH said he didn't want to bring the child into the world. I remember the doctor standing up from his chair and picking a box of what looked like Tampax and saying, here you go, you can start the process tonight.

I already had one child and after I thought about it I decided that I would leave DC1 with my DH and go take my baby and look after them alone. DC1 would have been in good hands. I know this sounds absolutely dreadful to leave him, but I just couldn't bring myself to abort, especially that late. I remember thinking that if I did it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. That's just me. I was ready to leave.

Then I had a scan at 26 weeks with the Head of Foetal Medicine who told me that there was a small issue, but not as massive as first thought, and it was manageable. DH was OK with this.

My baby was brought out at 35 weeks, thinking he had an issue, and they took him straight to ICU and then told me there was nothing wrong with him. He was perfect.

I have forgiven my DH for his part in pressuring me over this. Luckily I am a stubborn, feisty, hot head (others describe me) and even on the bones of my arse, at my lowest point, when I was on my knees in a church praying for my baby, I was still able to stand my ground and tell them all to F'off. That strength of will saved my baby's life, and now whenever anyone makes a dig at me about my personality, I remember that my beautiful child wouldn't be here if I wasn't me.

As others have said. Before you speak to your DH, you need to decide what YOU want to do and this is your starting point. If you abort your baby, you may hate your DH for making you do so, and your marriage may be over anyway. I know this would have been my case.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 13/12/2023 14:42

Diaria · 13/12/2023 09:18

Firstly, whenever this baby is born you need to go on the pill. That means even if he dawdles on getting the snip you are protected.

You have an 8yo who is neurodiverse. There is likely some ND in the other 3 (and in your DH by the sounds of it).

Can perfectly understand you being at home to be with the ND child and manage 4 children. Have you got DLA for the eldest child (and this heightened other benefits), had carer’s assessment etc.? Check that you have everything you are entitled to.

As for the new baby. It’s going to be really tough in so many respects and I would be with your husband that it’s not an awesome idea… particularly with potentially multiple disabled children already…

Please think carefully. It’s a lot to cope with.

Don't take the pill, it quadruples your risk of stroke. Other safer contraceptives exist.

FirstTimeTTC989 · 13/12/2023 14:42

Tell him ASAP. He might be more understanding than you think. You need to consider this together. Yes, it's your body, but you have FOUR other children to consider. It's not just about you and DH. It's about the resources and attention being taken away from existing children.

Yes, you can "cope" with a fifth child. But just coping is not good enough in my opinion.

Sususudio · 13/12/2023 14:42

I think you have to consider if you can bring up 5 children on your own, because it may well come to that.

QueenCamilla · 13/12/2023 14:43

I didn't mean whose decision it is, I meant whose body it is in.

You might have a point if the baby was in that body for 25 years or something.
But it's not. After mere 9 months it becomes a responsibility of the family for decades (and a sole financial responsibility of the father in this case).

slore · 13/12/2023 14:46

@Rainbowdaisys please stop worrying about not valuing your husband's feelings. When does he ever consider yours? He lost his right to have any feelings about this the moment he had sex with unreliable contraception.

He obviously has no regard for your feelings if he's willing to force or pressurize you into aborting your baby as if you have no say in the matter over your own body.

It is astoundingly misogynist that he thinks you're thinking with your heart not your head, when he is the one making a selfish, impulsive demand based on the emotion of being overwhelmed, with absolutely no logical comprehension that this pregnancy and any decisions surrounding it will affect you and your body several orders of magnitude more than him.

If he was that adamant about not having more children, he should have had the snip. His choice, his fault.

Remember that he has absolutely no right to have any say whatsoever in your decision about this. Your body, your choice. No ifs, no buts.

Delay telling him until after the New Year, and don't feel bad about it. You're protecting yourself from the abuse of being pressured into an abortion, and protecting the whole family's enjoyment of the Christmas season.

SecondUsername4me · 13/12/2023 14:50

QueenCamilla · 13/12/2023 14:43

I didn't mean whose decision it is, I meant whose body it is in.

You might have a point if the baby was in that body for 25 years or something.
But it's not. After mere 9 months it becomes a responsibility of the family for decades (and a sole financial responsibility of the father in this case).

It's only the sole responsibility of the man because he told her he wants prepared to do any "share" of the load, and that she should give up work for the family.

babyproblems · 13/12/2023 14:52

Marshmallowtoastie · 12/12/2023 20:26

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.
thats a big statement from someone who failed to get the snip. Lovely that he feels he can make medical demands on you though, and also your certainty that he will ruin Christmas for your existing children too, he sounds a delight.

Decide what you want to do first, consider if you can do it alone also in case he leaves / is so unbearable that you leave. And make your own decision then tell him what’s happening. It’s best to be sure yourself so you’re not pushed by him sulking and being horrible into a decision you’re potentially unhappy with.
Ultimately he had sex with a fertile woman using a contraception that does not have a 100% success rate. He knew the risk he was taking. It’s not his place to now demand what you do. Good luck op

This.
Your body, your choice. He had sex with a fertile woman and whilst he may get to voice his thoughts on having another child, he definitely doesn’t get to have the final say. You sound like you might be a bit afraid of him & his reaction.. that’s on him not on you- sounds like he has form for immature behaviour if he is a married father, having sex yet you feel he can’t handle this news. Best of luck op whatever you decide. It’s your choice, not his. Xo

slore · 13/12/2023 14:52

TomatoChilliSoup · 13/12/2023 14:34

I sort of had a similar situation 14 years ago.

I was told at 23 weeks that my unborn baby had some of his brain missing and if he survived, would be severely disabled. My DH wanted me to have an abortion and my parent, brother and SIL all put pressure on me to do so too. I wasn't living in the UK at the time and the abortion deadline was 26 weeks. I got told after that, I could go to jail! I got a lot of pressure about ruining my DC1's life by going ahead etc. My DH said he didn't want to bring the child into the world. I remember the doctor standing up from his chair and picking a box of what looked like Tampax and saying, here you go, you can start the process tonight.

I already had one child and after I thought about it I decided that I would leave DC1 with my DH and go take my baby and look after them alone. DC1 would have been in good hands. I know this sounds absolutely dreadful to leave him, but I just couldn't bring myself to abort, especially that late. I remember thinking that if I did it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. That's just me. I was ready to leave.

Then I had a scan at 26 weeks with the Head of Foetal Medicine who told me that there was a small issue, but not as massive as first thought, and it was manageable. DH was OK with this.

My baby was brought out at 35 weeks, thinking he had an issue, and they took him straight to ICU and then told me there was nothing wrong with him. He was perfect.

I have forgiven my DH for his part in pressuring me over this. Luckily I am a stubborn, feisty, hot head (others describe me) and even on the bones of my arse, at my lowest point, when I was on my knees in a church praying for my baby, I was still able to stand my ground and tell them all to F'off. That strength of will saved my baby's life, and now whenever anyone makes a dig at me about my personality, I remember that my beautiful child wouldn't be here if I wasn't me.

As others have said. Before you speak to your DH, you need to decide what YOU want to do and this is your starting point. If you abort your baby, you may hate your DH for making you do so, and your marriage may be over anyway. I know this would have been my case.

I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. Pressurizing someone into abortion is abuse. Don't feel bad for being willing to leave your older child, you were being coerced into a very late term abortion and trying to make sure you survived.

And you both did. Well done for your strength and doing what was actually right for you.

Your body, your choice 100% goes out the window in practice, especially for mothers of disabled babies, or thought to be disabled. I wish more feminists and pro-"choice" activists would talk about this.

slore · 13/12/2023 14:54

QueenCamilla · 13/12/2023 14:43

I didn't mean whose decision it is, I meant whose body it is in.

You might have a point if the baby was in that body for 25 years or something.
But it's not. After mere 9 months it becomes a responsibility of the family for decades (and a sole financial responsibility of the father in this case).

No, he's getting free housework, cooking and childcare for himself and his children that would cost a fortune if he outsourced it. Don't dismiss the mother's financial contribution to her children like that.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 13/12/2023 14:55

QueenCamilla · 13/12/2023 10:43

To have sex is a decision between two people. A decision on whether or not to carry on with the pregnancy and add another child into the family should also be made between two people.

It is inherently wrong to lead with "your body, your decision" nonsense. It might be "your body" during the pregnancy but it very much isn't so as soon as the baby is born. Everyone in the family is affected physically, mentally, financially from that point onwards. For the rest of their lives.

If someone was to refuse to consider my needs in such a major way within a relationship... I'd have to say "my life, my money, my decision" and I'd leave.

Having said that, OP's husband might not feel quite as strongly against expanding his family as I do - I can't see myself touching with a bargepole anyone happy enough to be bringing about numerous children, bar touching them without solid contraception in place. So maybe his cost-benefit analysis is still in favour of more children.

You are so wrong here.

He had the right to use his body to prevent fatherhood. He chose not to, as is his right, and now he must accept the consequences. He doesn't now get to strongarm the OP because he doesn't like those consequences.

She has the right to use her body to prevent motherhood. She has chosen not to do that, as is also her right. She should not be pressured into a decision that she doesn't want to protect a grown-ass adult man from the consequences of his piss-poor decision-making.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 13/12/2023 14:57

slore · 13/12/2023 14:54

No, he's getting free housework, cooking and childcare for himself and his children that would cost a fortune if he outsourced it. Don't dismiss the mother's financial contribution to her children like that.

Show quote history

This. For someone with a female pen name, QueenCamilla is posting some pretty misogynist crap.

superplumb · 13/12/2023 14:58

Tell him sooner rather than later. Tough if he doesn't want it..your body your choice. If he was that adamant he should be big enough to get the snip.

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 14:59

Quote why anyone would want a 5th child with a man who doesn't like being a father, I can't understand. Doesn't seem like a great scenario for anyone. Lots of poor decision making, and 5 kids not really being put first.

autienotnaughty · 13/12/2023 15:00

I would also wait until January so not to spoil Xmas.

I'd tell him and be clear about what you want. No apologies it's not your fault and your choices are not to be apologised for either. Good luck xx