How do I break the news to my husband?

[Rainbowdaisys]

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

@FlatWhiteExtraHot

Whether or not she was looking for opinions or not, I can completely understand why her husband is adamant about no more children. He is under huge amounts of stress to support 5 people as it is.

Fair enough the baby isn’t less important.

But in having it she is diminishing the importance of the 4 existing children.

How exactly is it of benefit to bring another potentially ND child into the picture when you already have 4, all of whom may need significant support well into adulthood.

It just seems to me stretching resources even thinner and very irresponsible of them both tbh.

Why on earth wasn’t the OP on the pill, the implant, the injection or with a coil fitted until DH could get his op done. It just seems bonkers.

Well they weren’t very bloody good at it were they, considering the size of the average family prior to the invention of the contraceptive pill.

No, he's getting free housework, cooking and childcare for himself and his children that would cost a fortune if he outsourced it

Nah. You would do the cooking and housework yourself, like working parents do, and the extra income you'd use for childcare. Simple.

He is under huge amounts of stress to support 5 people as it is

All the more reason for him to shoulder some of the responsibility it preventing more children - which he steadfastly refused to do.

Same as he refuses to do half the parenting and household stuff and said the OP has to stop working and do it all.

Your grasp of history is pretty poor.

My parents and all my friends' parents managed to stop at two, prior to the Pill.

And you post only serves to confirm my point.

If a woman is in a marriage where her H says she MUST have an abortion, if she gets pregnant, they should take steps themselves to prevent that, not rely on a man's inability to use a condom. You've just said they aren't any bloody good at it.

First, families were much bigger back then.

Second, neither condoms nor the diaphragm quadrupled a woman's risk of stroke or, as happened to someone in my family, put her in hospital with blood clots. Oestrogen-based contraception does that. Having had several coils fitted, the first without cervical anaesthetic, I can understand why women would hesitate to have one fitted. Progestogen-only options cause weight gain and depression. Need I go on as to why a couple might consider vasectomy the safest option for both?

The OP and her husband had agreed on the snip as the least-invasive permanent birth control option. He then didn't arrange it. That's on him.

Your DH is very sure he doesn't want another child, yet refused to have the snip. He must know that condoms aren't 100% guaranteed protection. I don't feel that delaying telling him will make matters better or worse and telling him now means that you won't have to carry the secret. Are you delaying telling him to avoid the stress over the Christmas period or because you're secretly hoping that a scan picture may help change his mind?

If I were you OP, I'd delay telling him until I'd done a lot of private reflection and had decided between my pregnancy and my marriage. Because in reality, that may well be where you are. I'd think very hard indeed about my future as a single parent, whether I loved him enough to want my marriage at all costs, and balance this against the loss of the pregnancy and any damage his insistence on this would cause to the relationship if you complied.

What I wouldn't do is tell him with any hope he'd change his mind, or idea of persuading him. Tell him when you know what your choice would be if he issues that ultimatum. Counselling won't advise you what to do, but can provide a valuable sounding board while you assess your options and make your choice.

If he was happy with one and done, why did he go along with trying twice more?

Your anecdote is not history, please, please, pick up a book. Or indeed do a quick Google search. But to help you out - the average number of children prior to the introduction of the contraceptive pill was 5.

Personally, I think if a woman is married to a man who says she must get an abortion and then he refuses to have a fairly minor medical procedure done to back up the force of his feelings, then she should leave.

@SecondUsername4me

The OP didn’t take any precautions while waiting for him to have his vasectomy either.

The two of them appear to me collectively irresponsible.

It is fine now whenever the younger three are small.

What are they going to be facing whenever the rest of them grow up a bit. It’s totally unlikely to have only 1/5 autistic. They will be dealing with multiple kids needing accommodations for school, DLA applications to ensure their rights are protected, individual tuition for extracurricular/academics….

I mean how is she even managing to socialise the older child right now if home schooled and there are 3 age 5 and under?!

OP is happy to be at home. To support this many he is probably working long hours - I know my DH has to to facilitate me being a carer, which is 100% necessary.

If she has a cleaner and nanny to delegate “normal” duties to this many leave her with room to meet the needs of the SEN kids…. But 5 of them, what a nightmare.

I am also confused as to how if the husband only wanted one, they kept going, instead of doubling up on contraception.

Why should the OP take any precautions? She's not the one who was done having kids. He was.

No-one should be forced into an abortion, your husband should have had the snip if he didn’t want a baby, you can’t make him stick around if he decides it’s all too much, if you don’t tell him immediately you will kill any last bit of trust in your relationship (which doesn’t sound great since he seems to think you having an abortion is better than him having the snip).

In your situation I absolutely would not be having anymore children, you said your husband would have been happy with one and done but is facing the prospect of 5 kids. I would be seriously unhappy with that but tbh it makes the decision not to get the snip even more bewildering. Keep the baby if you feel you want to OP but don’t be surprised if you have to do this on your own.

Plus, if minimal housework, cooking for himself and some spare me-time (if not money) do become tempting, there always is that option. That's the option my own dad took when his twins (my brother and I) were born. My mum wanted children - he didn't. Mum hoped he'll change his mind - he didn't.
I last time saw him on my 4th birthday. I still remember the 5th - waiting for him. My brother crying in the lower bunk as our dad never did come that day...

You can't force someone to become a parent in exchange for free housework. It doesn't work that way.

Women should choose a compatible partner instead of gambling with the lives of their children.

Probably because she wasn't opposed to having another child the way her husband is and so didn't feel it was her responsibility to fill her body with synthetic hormones or have a foreign object inserted into her uterus, but that it was his turn to shoulder the responsibility for contraception for once.

Also, I have a copper coil and I would never go on hormonal contraception again for a variety of reasons, but there is a woman in my bumpers group who had a copper coil fitted at her postpartum checkup, and then months later when she started to develop a bump and feel kicks she realised it had failed and she was pregnant again. On her son's first birthday she posted in the group that she was 37 weeks pregnant and on her way to have that worthless piece of shit, meaning the coil, removed.

@SecondUsername4me
Why should the OP take any precautions? She's not the one who was done having kids

That's not really how relationships work, is it?

Why should I pool my finances with my OH, when I'm not the one who has a low paid job?

It most certainly is not how relationships work for me. I can't imagine going on having kids and taking no precautions because my DH wouldn't have the snip., because I wasn't done having kids after 4 kids, including one with SN. Both of them seem bafflingly irresponsible.

Its not you breaking the model, its HIM
He chose not to have a vasectomy - HIM
He chose to have sex with you - HIM
Time to get angry, he was too squeamish to get the snip but think that its fine for you to have an abortion, Hate to break it to you but your husband is a selfish prick. Get angry, he is the reason and he is the one who put you in this position. How freaking hell dare he.

Jeeze, can you imagine having to go through all the shit and hassle, not to mention the cost, of bringing up a child you never wanted in the first place. And your partner knowing that.

I guess you may be able to force his hand in the short term but you can’t force his enthusiasm or his settled commitment. Real life just doesn’t work like that. Ultimately you got to mean something in your own marriage. And to be told to either step up ( and it’s not just “another” child , it’s five of them ) or fuck off is a form of betrayal. It’s saying you don’t matter so shut the fuck up. And I don’t know anybody who would be happy with that.

It is absolutely not his call to say that you need an abortion, especially as he refused a vasectomy. However, if he doesn't want another child and you 'force' him to have one, I can't see that ending well either. I am very sorry for your situation. Would giving the baby up for adoption be a possibility? I think he was very unreasonable to refuse a vasectomy considering that he has such a hard line on not wanting more children.

I'm glad you've decided to tell him.

He is just as responsible as you are for this pregnancy. He made his choices ... to refuse to sort permanent birth control (surely his turn to take one for the team) and to rely on condoms. He accepts the risk of an unwanted pregnancy (for him) with those choices, knowing you couldn't/wouldn't abort, and here you both are.

It is up to you at this point, OP. You have the final choice as the pregnancy affects you medically, not him. His choice was to take the chance that would happen.

I'm glad you've talked to people who have experience with these issues, and hopefully he will be willing to talk to them, too, after you've told him.

Good luck.

Yes but he refused to get a vasectomy.

If he had done that, the OP would not be pregnant.

Eh?

Not everyone pools finances, some relationships pool everything, some dont. I'm not sure what point you are trying to make here?

I don't want any more kids. If I fell pregnant, I would have an abortion. Because I do not want to get pregnant, or have to consider an abortion, I've booked in for sterilisation. My own dh will not consider a vasectomy for whatever his own reasons are. But I am in control of whether I want to be pregnant again. So I took the steps to prevent it.

My husband is not of the same mind as me, and has chosen to decline a vasectomy. As is his right. I insist on contraception for sex, knowing that in the interim while I wait for surgery there is a minute chance I would fall pregnant. Given I've never once accidentally fallen pregnant in my life, I'm fairly comfortable with the % risk in the lead up to the surgery.

If the OPs dh didn't want more children, he should have had made sure it couldn't happen.

The OP isn't of the same opinion as him, so is happy with the small % risk sex with a condom brings.

I've read your posts, OP, and the first few replies.

You're in a toxic relationship. You feel that you have to manage the emotions of this grown man and are scared to make him angry (by telling him that he got you pregnant, after he refused to take responsibility for his own fertility 🤔). He feels entitled to tell you what you "have" to do with your own body and your baby. You feel beholden to him because he is a "hands on dad" (i.e. he just parents his children like almost every mother does without the congratulations and hero worship) and he provides financially for his own family. He's a misogynist and he doesn't view you as an equal or respect your autonomy.

It's very hard to advise because I couldn't tolerate being married to a man like this in the first place and would be devastated and worried if my daughters were in relationships with men like this. Any advice that isn't "leave him" is just condoning this toxic relationship that you're in, and it doesn't sound like you're open to the idea that it's just simply a bad marriage and you're better off out of it. I can imagine when this is your status quo and it's all you know, it's difficult to see how shocking it appears to people who know what a healthy marriage of equals feels like.