How do I break the news to my husband?

[Rainbowdaisys]

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

Just wanted to say - good luck with telling him OP!

He cannot make you abort or anything like that. The worst he can do is leave and if hes the type that would you are better off without him.

Honestly I think if your this scared of telling him its very telling of the relationship.

My DH does not want more but if we had another surprise pregnancy he would NEVER declare I was to have an abortion, he also wouldn't bail on us. He would be a bit stressed about time and finances but I wouldn't not tell him for fear of his reaction.

I would not stay with a man who I was too scared of telling something this big too. I hope you and your baby are safe, do not be pushed into anything.

I personally wouldn’t tell him until after Xmas as I assume this means the end of the relationship and I think that’s a stress you can both (and the children) live without for a couple of weeks.

I personally wouldn’t want to separate over Xmas as I think that’s going to ruin the kids Christmas.
A couple of weeks will make no difference to you and your decision, but will make a difference to the kids.

Before the Pill came along.

Women relied on men to buy condoms (unless they were married and could go to the GP for a Dutch cap.)

And now everyone here is saying HE should have had the snip.

You're clearly too young to know how it used to be.

Yes, why bother thinking of the planet, the taxpayer, or the man who has sole responsibility for earning enough to support five (soon to be six) dependents OP. Definitely you do you and live your best life.

he just hasn't taken to fatherhood as he thought he would. He also worries about money

So you have a man who is under financial stress as the only breadwinner in the family, who doesn't particularly enjoy fatherhood but is currently a hands-on father to four children including with special needs.

I think your position is morally outrageous and massively unfair not only to him but to your existing children.

Why are people acting like he's definitely going to drag her kicking and screaming to the clinic. The man doesn't even know yet. There's nothing to suggest he's going to demand or force anything. For all we know, he thought they were on the same page, and OP just doesn't want to tell him because she knows he won't be pleased. That's not the same as being a horrible bad husband.

My husband also wants no more kids but doesn’t do too much about preventing it! Anyway when I had a pregnancy scare he was lovely saying whatever I wanted he would support and would
obviously love and cherish any child we made together despite not wanting to have another. Your husband needs to take responsibility and you should not have to hide your pregnancy for fear of his response…that sounds really unhealthy.

Honestly if my husband reacted like this I’d be so shocked and I would leave him. When you marry someone it’s to be there for each other through thick and thin. If you want the baby you keep the baby, it’s funny how he wouldn’t get the snip but then puts medical demands on you. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse. Snip or no snip, condom breaks or condom doesn’t break

He hasn't reacted like anything though. He doesn't know.

He should have had the snip, but at the same time, I think you are being pretty unreasonable expecting him to support 6 dependents on one salary, with SN in the mix. I also think you are being unfair to your existing children.

@Oliotya okay well not reacted but has all ready said those things I mean

Well, it's very much a consequence of refusing the vasectomy! If you don't want to terminate he cannot make you and you should not let him control you. Frankly, he sounds awful.

If the OP is in the UK, you can have an abortion easily no questions asked up to 24 weeks!

I know this because I was in your shoes ten years ago OP.

We had 2 kids, I was a stay at home mom with a breadwinner husband and I was desperate for a third. Always wanted three kids. So we were discussing having a third (DH wasn't against the idea either) and were using the calendar method.

Couple months in I fell pregnant with baby number 3. Abortion was out of the question for me as we hadn't been using 'proper' contraception, so I felt we were asking for a child.

I spilled the beans immediately, it felt too HUGE of a fact to keep to myself and I'd always strive for transparency. It's a partnership.

Should you carry that secret for two more weeks OP? Can you? Why does it feel like a burden for you to carry it around?

I'd love to report that everything was fine after I shared the news at about 6 weeks with DH but what ensued was hell, OP.

Until 12 weeks DH kept quiet, hoping that I'd 'come to my senses' without him being the bad guy. But once that 12 week date passed the pressure mounted.

My husband moved out on my DS's 2nd birthday. I still can't look at pics from that time without choking.

Divorce was on the cards and I was ready for it as I couldn't/wouldn't have the abortion. We had a chat with Marie Stopes which was very helpful (the social worker said that it's so sad as she saw that we clearly love each other but can't agree on that one massive point).

From 12-24 weeks I was bullied into having an abortion. I was clinging on to my baby's life, having the worst pregnancy mentally with almost daily harassment from DH and parents in law! Bitch of MIL visited me telling me to have an abortion, I'll never forget that, how can you do that to your DIL who is 18 or so weeks along?

My in-laws even called my parents to tell the to rein me in. I still get furious thinking about it all. (My DH actually impregnated a girlfriend at 20! I'd tell my son to man up tbh)

I grew some balls and stood up to them all. I became fierce. Forget 'what will my in-laws think' you can't have your cake and eat it. You want the baby? Own the decision, don't sneak around.

Ten years on...in the end we stayed together. My friend once asked me how I could forgive my husband for this. I think I did it by laying all the fury at the feet of my in-laws. As time has moved on I now want to forgive my MIL. She doesn't know any better and has grown up very poor. So I understand where she comes from. In her mind 3 kids aren't a blessing, they're a burden.

And she has a point! It's been hard. But we shouldered the responsibility financially, lifestyle, it has had a big impact. Even our relationship and sex life has suffered. Hear hear.

This brings me to my final point OP.

3 kids had been hard and I had full time help in addition to DH (who now adores 'baby' number 3).

I have some hard questions for you I'm afraid

• Are you ready to risk your current setup for a 5th baby?
• How will YOU manage 5? I guess if you have 4 already you know how back breaking a larger family is? Do you have help?
• Are all 4 kids getting their needs met?
• Are you okay with not fully meeting each of your kids' needs?
• Are you happy not to go back to your career for years, if at all? It looks like that's the way you might be headed?
• Are you happy not to have access to money that is truly your own that you can piss away as you please without being accountable to anyone for a long time?

I remember posting on here all those years back and reading some answers was very upsetting and hurtful. Sending you hugs.

I guess you need to face some harsh facts in the next few days and for that I'm sending you lots of strength and love and hope all goes well for you.

I don't think you should be with this man, it seems like you are terrified to tell him!
Is his reaction not going to be worse finding out you knew for ages before telling him? Just do it, today. Tell him, discuss it that you don't want to have an abortion (I assume you don't). He was too scared to get the snip but was happy to have sex so this is what happens! Don't spend weeks worrying, what will be will be and it won't be you ruining christmas, it will be his reaction...

Very thoughtful post @UserNMCHNG

I’m surprised so few people have reacted to this comment
He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

Id have an issue if my husband was thinking of abortion as a contraception method tbh.
id also have an issue with him suggesting an abortion as a replacement for a vasectomy (or several abortions because over time, statistics will tell you it’s likely to happen again). Because ‘having an abortion, even relatively early in the pregnancy, isn’t that easy on the body either. Let alone mentally (or if you have doubt about having an abortion etc….).

But of course, it’s much easier as it puts the whole responsibility of contraception on the woman’s shoulders 😢😢

He can't make you terminate. You cant make him stay in the relationship. I suspect there will be tears and shouting. There will be threats of separation or suicide. There will be lots of emotional manipulation and abuse.

@Rainbowdaisys it's not your fault. He chose not to have a vasectomy (my husband had one, it took 20 mins and he was fine within 48 hours). Preventing pregnancy isn't solely your responsibility.

I wonder if your relationship is abusive. You talk about your husband positively but it doesn't tally up with the behaviour and the language you use. I think sometimes we get used to certain behaviour that we dont recognise them for what they are anymore. Anyhow, it's something only you can reflect on.

Just tell him. You can only decide what you're doing and that is not having an abortion. Up to him what he does. I expect he will come round. The point is because abortion is so readily available folk think it's no big deal. That's up to them. But it can make things difficult for women who don't want an abortion.

I'd divorce him. And I don't say that lightly.

Telling you you have to have an abortion?! What a bastard.

Everything is easier when it's someone else doing it and dealing with the physical, emotional and psychological consequences.

You’re husband is clearly a cock but I do agree with him that this doesn’t feel the right situation to be bringing a baby in to.

I’d get prepared to be a single mum to 5 kids if I were you.

It may be a case of end of marraige if you go ahead so I would be thinking very carefully to whether you can afford to pay for this child on your own along with the others and the effect on the other children in terms of finance, your time and the effect of the split
As much as you want this child, it may not be fair on your other children.

But tell him. discuss it and if he decides its abortion or he leaves then at least you know what you are basing your decision on.

Not sure about vile - never met your OH.

Edit....Had a rethink. But if he actually pushes you towards an abortion, particularly after refusing the snip, he really needs to look at himself.

He needs to man up, accept responsibility for his actions (and non-actions)

But it's not painful or particularly invasive. Been there done that, stopped at 3.

I'd say tell him soon, sow the seeds that you feel a bit odd and may get a pregnancy test to 'put your mind at rest.'

Then you can discover it together (as it were). Later you can find out that you're further gone than you thought.

Whilst deception isn't a good idea this minimises it.

All the best.

I have 2 teenage boys, both DCD, one HFA (other waiting to be assessed). I am exhausted and stressed constantly. Constantly managing emotions, moods, sensory issues, being overloaded, school, homework, hygiene, diet, exam years, puberty etc. I never thought it would be this hard.

Chances are if you have one child with ASD there will be another and in my experience it gets so much harder as they get older. I do wish you well OP and hope things work out for the best.