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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 12:04

MrsRachelDanvers · 13/12/2023 12:02

I disagree with those people saying he’s appalling. I don’t blame him for thinking 5 kids is too much-at least he’s been honest. And he’s the one having to earn the money to support you all. Generally, good contraception used properly works-most couples who don’t want further children don’t need to have vasectomies or be sterilised. I think you do need to tell him sooner rather than later-it seems very controlling to keep the news from him. Then you can discuss as a couple the way forward. You can then gauge his reaction when he’s hit with the reality of the situation-will he be philosophical and accept another child? Or will he totally disagree with bringing another child into the family? Best you know sooner so you can look at your options.

There's just one problem with this.

All the methods of contraception which are more reliable than condoms or less invasive than a vasectomy are the woman's responsibility.

And in this case, the person who absolutely did not want another baby was the man.

HIS only choices, to protect HIMSELF against the possibility of getting his wife pregnant, were condoms or a vasectomy. He chose condoms.

Blah12345678999 · 13/12/2023 12:05

Gosh sounds like quite a tricky situation. Easy for me to say but I can’t help but think I’d want my partner to definitely get the snip and I’d have got the coil or sth as I’d be terrified about having more children! I’m not a man but I’m so surprised he didn’t get the snip! I suppose if I were you I’d be thinking about how I could realistically manage on my own with 5/6 kids, it sounds like you both have a lot on your plate but maybe your partner will surprise you when you tell him the situation and that will help…?

PinkNailpolish · 13/12/2023 12:09

Your 8 year old has autism which means your 5 year old and 2 year old twins might also be autistic. This baby (or babies) could be autistic too, especially as you and your husband are older parents. Could you cope with this many SEN children?

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 12:10

The OP isn't asking whether she should keep the baby, she's asking how to break the news to her husband.

C1N1C · 13/12/2023 12:16

@MargotBamborough @TheGhostOfTheOpera

I think we might have to agree to disagree on this one.

I would personally put an irreversible snip as a more serious and permanent solution than coil, implant, injection etc. OP hasn't actually said she had any issues with hormonal options, or why she hasn't used them.

So he has the responsibility of putting on a condom AND getting a snip? Yes, OP getting tubes tied is a more serious surgery, but why is all the responsibility on him?

He actually said from the beginning that he doesn't want any more kids and would push for an abortion. Saying it's his fault for not having radical surgery, no... that's too far. If the surgeries were comparable, imagine how men would be slammed for saying "it's her fault she's pregnant, she could have had her tubes tied"... imagine the fallout!

Whatdoido1987 · 13/12/2023 12:19

I would also 100 percent wait to tell him, like you say, no good is going to come of telling him now if its going to spoil Christmas for your other children. I'd also want all of the facts. My DH didn't want any more children either when I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant with dc3 and in the beginning he told me he wanted me to have an abortion, after a few weeks he had changed his mind. Your dh might not feel the same but if you want to keep the baby then waiting until after Christmas doesn't change anything apart from ensuring you'll still have a nice Christmas xx

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 12:19

C1N1C · 13/12/2023 12:16

@MargotBamborough @TheGhostOfTheOpera

I think we might have to agree to disagree on this one.

I would personally put an irreversible snip as a more serious and permanent solution than coil, implant, injection etc. OP hasn't actually said she had any issues with hormonal options, or why she hasn't used them.

So he has the responsibility of putting on a condom AND getting a snip? Yes, OP getting tubes tied is a more serious surgery, but why is all the responsibility on him?

He actually said from the beginning that he doesn't want any more kids and would push for an abortion. Saying it's his fault for not having radical surgery, no... that's too far. If the surgeries were comparable, imagine how men would be slammed for saying "it's her fault she's pregnant, she could have had her tubes tied"... imagine the fallout!

What is the issue with the snip being irreversible if he doesn't want any more children?

I have a coil myself but I have heard some real horror stories about them. If the OP doesn't think a coil or hormonal contraception is right for her, that is her choice.

The only choices of contraception available to the OP's husband, to control HIS OWN fertility, were condoms or the snip.

He made his choice and now he has to live with the consequences.

He cannot dictate that his wife has an abortion if she doesn't want to.

As for "why is all the responsibility on him?", are you for real?

It's either on him or it's on her, apart from condoms which are on both. It should be on him because he's the one who doesn't want another baby to the extent that he wants the OP to have an abortion.

Whatdoido1987 · 13/12/2023 12:20

I don't think placing blame on anybody is a good idea though, it's only going to cause more arguments...

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 13/12/2023 12:22

C1N1C · 13/12/2023 11:54

Why is all the blame being put on HIM???

He did his part by wearing a condom. OP could have taken the pill, got the implant, injection, coil... Saying this is his fault for not having the snip is like saying it's OP's fault for not having her tubes tied.

I generally wouldn’t disagree, if it was both parties who didn’t want a baby. OP has, however, made it quite clear that she was open to having more children. Her husband was the one who adamantly didn’t want more.

When I didn’t want more children, I had my tubes tied. Had I not done and relied on condoms and then got pregnant it would’ve been entirely my own fault.

ohdelay · 13/12/2023 12:24

In all things keep it simple and just tell him. No one has done anything wrong yet, life just happened and you're pregnant. He doesn't actually know she's pregnant so all the posters slagging him off on some imaginary reaction he hasn't had are out of order. Also postponing telling him is a lie of omission and unnecessary drama. Secret scans you have to hide forever (future lies), not drinking over Christmas (will need another little lie), your answer to "when did you find out about this?". It's not worth it. You've got four kids together so have trust and should be deep in real life already, you do not need drama and breaches of trust. If you tell him you can move forward.

Wolfpa · 13/12/2023 12:25

The worst fear is the fear of the unknown this will keep building until you tell him and will end up ruining Christmas anyway.

Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

the longer you leave it the worse it is going to get.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 13/12/2023 12:28

Ah op this is tough. After reading your updates, I can see why DH is done. But in no way is it your fault. You used condoms, you both decided to have sex, ergo the baby is his responsibility just as much as it is yours.

I'd tell him sooner rather than later if it were me.

MsPavlichenko · 13/12/2023 12:29

If he was a really good husband and father you wouldn’t be so worried about telling him. You wouldn’t be thinking he’d ruin Christmas for the DC. You wouldn’t be worrying what your In Laws think as he’d have your back.

He’s perfectly entitled not to want more DC ( I would probably agree with him). He’s not entitled to opt out of taking responsibility ( a vasectomy, though even that’s not foolproof), or to tell you what you need to do with your own body if you ( entirely unsurprisingly) fall pregnant.

Please think about what I , and others have said. Good luck.

Snowdogsmitten · 13/12/2023 12:32

Bingobatman · 13/12/2023 11:25

It sounds like you’ve made your mind up to keep the baby. You know he doesn’t want to.
in this scenario I wouldn’t tell him until after Christmas - enjoy it together, things will most likely change afterwards. Hopefully not, but I think you should realistically make sure you are prepared for life as a single mum as he’s been very clear with you about what he can cope with. I find it odd that you prioritise another child over your husband’s mental health but obviously I feel differently about abortion to you, it’s a horrible decision to have to make.
My autistic kids were fine at 8. Roll onto teens and it’s a very different story. We are on our knees, often. Maybe yours will be different, but ask anyone in your SEN network if their kids were still easy in adolescence. I wish I had had less.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and really hope it works out.

Why didn’t he have a vasectomy then? If he really didn’t want more children…?
Being prepared to risk it as he had plans to force his wife to endure an abortion she doesn’t want, is not ok.

OhwhyOY · 13/12/2023 12:33

"I've decided I'm going to tell and go from there!"

Good luck @Rainbowdaisys , hopefully he takes it well. And good luck with the rest of the pregnancy, how you will manage to cope with four kids in the latter stages of pregnancy I don't know, but then I couldn't cope with more than two kids in the first place so you are a much better woman than me! 😁Hope all goes well for you.

Livinginanotherworld · 13/12/2023 12:35

Redannie118 · 12/12/2023 20:32

Sorry op but your husband is vile. Sit him down and tell him you are pregnant because he failed to protect you from pregnancy. He refused a invasive, painful procedure to ensure you had no further children, so you have the right to do the same. He can stay and be a man, or run away from the mess he created like a snivelling coward. If he treats you badly or leaves you will not hesitate to tell all friends/family/colleagues/SM exactly what hes done.

I agree with this, you didn’t get pregnant on your own, he knew the implications of having sex. This is your choice alone.

FreshWinterMorning · 13/12/2023 12:36

Your husband doesn't sound very caring and sympathetic @Rainbowdaisys
And he is also a bit of a twat if he complains about you being pregnant when he REFUSED to have a vasectomy. So I suppose it's YOU who should be cut at to stop pregnancy, not him eh? Hmm What a selfish twat.

You are in your 40s, and going on the fact you already have 4 kids under 10, and one is SN, I personally not be going through with this pregnancy, but not to please him. I would be questioning the relationship tbh. He sounds awful. Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/12/2023 12:36

Babyroobs · 13/12/2023 10:00

He really should not have been so irresponsible as to take the risk when you already have four kids one with additional needs. I can absolutely understand why he wouldn't want more as this sounds incredibly stressful especially when he is the only breadwinner. I can't believe he could be so daft as to take such a risk. you are also putting yourself in a vulnerable position. If he decides to leave how will you support yourself and five kids- obviously he will need to pay child maintenance but it is still likely to be very difficult practically and financially.

Show quote history

I don’t think it’s just he, who’s acted irresponsibly.

Mirabai · 13/12/2023 12:39

I think it is incredibly unfair of people to say that he didn’t get the snip and therefore tough titties to him. It is completely ok for a man to decide he doesn’t want to get the snip

Absolutely fine not to want the snip. Totally not fine to be surprised or angry that condoms resulted in pregnancy, way out of order to demand an abortion.

laclochette · 13/12/2023 12:46

When oh when will men actually start to take responsibility for their own reproductive capacities. I don't have much constructive to add, just that it makes me SEE RED.

Socialyawkward · 13/12/2023 12:51

That's a handful of a household you've got there we are similar and my dp had said absolutely no more until our ones are older if at all ( neither of us are planning it but it kinda came from the talk of going back onto contraception ) . For context we are a blended family we have early teen dd with asd. 9 year old gdd brain damage and epilepsy. 8 year old nt. 6 year old asd. Almost 1 year old nt. HE had a feeling I was pregnant and I was getting some signs I put down to weaning and he had convinced himself at this point i was pregnant, he ended up turning around and saying this is going to be really hard but we will make it work we always do. He jumped on car sites to find something bigger he was that convinced. I wasn't in the end thankfully for both of our sakes. The reason behind this is men think practically do I have enough money - not really do we have enough space - not really... ect ect so fast out nope but faced with an actual situation they see it as okay this has happened time to problem solve. I think your probably right in waiting mostly to rule out twins again.

BlazingJune · 13/12/2023 12:51

I'm really sorry that the OP is in this situation.

However, there seems to be a trend to blame men (this man) for not having the snip.

Haven't the days long gone when women left it to men to 'take care of everything' (birth control)?

I thought women wanted autonomy over their bodies?

Both partners have a responsibility if they are not on the same page about another child.

I don't see how a condom can fail unless it splits. If a pregnancy was such a potential disaster, then inspect the condom afterwards and get the MAP.
If it's careless use, (worn too late or whatever), again, consider pregnancy a possibility.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/12/2023 12:54

You what now @BlazingJune ?!? Since when have men been well known for taking care of birth control???

MrsSlocombesCat · 13/12/2023 12:57

If he really didn’t want another child he should have had a vasectomy. End of. This is his fault not yours. He chose not to have a medical procedure to prevent pregnancy and you have every right to choose whether you want a medical procedure to end the pregnancy and you don’t. Another point to consider is the psychological impact of an abortion, if you did go through with it you will develop deep resentment towards him. If you don’t it may cause resentment on his side but nothing like you would feel, abortion is not to be taken lightly. You will grieve and you will blame him. So it may lead to the end of the marriage either way, but at least if you keep the baby you’ll be happy with the new arrival and not end up with grief that could last a lifetime.

diddl · 13/12/2023 12:58

DaftFlerken · 13/12/2023 11:42

how will you hide not drinking any alcohol over Christmas OP?

Not everyone drinks so much that little or no alcohol will be noticed!

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