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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
devondad1 · 13/12/2023 23:06

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

He might not want more kids, but he sounds like a great dad.

You didn't plan it. You didn't try and trick him. Accidents happen. If he knows how much you want to keep this happy accident, hopefully he will support you, and in future will be really happy to be taking his unexpected son or daughter to sports matches, and prom nights and to their wedding.

Diaria · 13/12/2023 23:07

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 22:47

Ah I see. OP’s problem though is she is pregnant now. I can see why DH didn’t want more - even excluding disability possibilities. Some people don’t want even one child, and he is clearly at his limit. Responses on this thread might have looked quite different had she posted 6 months ago saying shall I wait to see if my other dcs are ND/ requiring extra input etc. But she has now sailed past that juncture and my read is she isn’t asking should she terminate; she’s asking how to go about telling DH she won’t.

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@Calliopespa

As I’ve said I am not pushing an abortion.

But for OP to critically evaluate the potential future she is facing in realistic terms… not in the rose tinted, I love babies way - that only lasts two years.

OP already has 8yo ND who may likely be with her and DH into adulthood (I’m sure people are very capable of googling the stats relative to autistic people living independently and able to secure full time employment - it’s not a great read)

Either

a) Op carries on, DH supports her and they bring up all 5-6 kids (depending on whether multiple), DH manages the financial strain and none of the other kids have problems at school/socially/developmentally.

b) Op carries on, DH supports her but a few more of the kids are diagnosed as ND. They spend years trying to access DLA and get appropriate support for the children, ending up at multiple tribunals to try and get help at school. The children all have different needs/diagnoses and so managing this is difficult and precludes many activities for the family. Finances are tight and both parents are frequently at breaking point with stress.

c) DH does not support OP and she has to cope with scenario A or B solo, neither of which sounds much fun.

In amongst all of this are 4 existing children and I don’t think either parent is on the ball with thinking of their best interests.

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 23:07

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 13/12/2023 22:50

This is quite a wise post.

There's not much practical detail in the OPs post. How many bedrooms do they have, for instance? I'm not sensing there's a ton of spare budget for a much bigger house and expenses are about to go up. Unless they have a massive house five will be a nightmare.

The OP isn't offering to go back to work (and if she did the child care would be crippling).

The whole thing seems to be "I want a baby. It's not my fault I'm having it. DH must fund it, and the other children must make the necessary sacrifices to make it work." We may not like DHs attitude but there's not much compromise on the other side either.

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She has to be prepared for him to leave. If she isn’t, this will need to feed into how she breaks it to him.

Quitelikeit · 13/12/2023 23:09

Tbf the guy has already compromised a lot by having four kids when it seems he only wanted one and for that I do feel for him

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 13/12/2023 23:10

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 22:47

Ah I see. OP’s problem though is she is pregnant now. I can see why DH didn’t want more - even excluding disability possibilities. Some people don’t want even one child, and he is clearly at his limit. Responses on this thread might have looked quite different had she posted 6 months ago saying shall I wait to see if my other dcs are ND/ requiring extra input etc. But she has now sailed past that juncture and my read is she isn’t asking should she terminate; she’s asking how to go about telling DH she won’t.

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Which doesn't mean that decision is right.

Maybe DH is right and they really don't have the capacity to manage.

I appreciate that's not what the OP is asking but worth considering.

Panaa · 13/12/2023 23:16

SnowSwan · 13/12/2023 19:17

It doesn't matter in the sense that it will make a difference about what her husband will do. Telling her that wanting to keep the baby is all that matters isn't being supportive. That just makes her ignore the reality, which is that she may end up on her own with all these children. She needs to think about that and plan for that if she is going to keep the baby.

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Has anyone on here said that our opinions or support are going to make a difference to what her husband will do???

I don't think being supportive will make her ignore her reality at all. She said she's going to tell her DH and take it from there.

You said the lack of vasectomy doesn't matter now, but that is also a topic that is obviously going to come up again now whatever the outcome with this pregnancy.

If they stay together and she has the baby is he going to get a vasectomy after?
If she aborts then is he going to agree to a vasectomy and actually go through with it this time?

This could be the beginning of the end of the relationship no matter what the outcome is so the fact he didn't get a vasectomy is relevant and will continue to be relevant even after they decide on what to do about the pregnancy.

I know if it were me and I felt like I had to have an abortion that I didn't want then I would be expecting him to be booking his vasectomy right away.

Panaa · 13/12/2023 23:25

Your decision is to keep the baby and if he doesn’t like it he can leave but you’ll be pushing for 50:50 custody.

The only person she can push that with is him and he can easily tell her no and see them EOW or never if he doesn't want to.

tachetastic · 13/12/2023 23:30

Rainbowdaisys · 13/12/2023 10:57

Thanks everyone, there will always be different points of view but I like to hear and read it all as they are all valid.

Sorry I should have said I'd be staying at home regardless of our eldest child, that decision was already made before we had children. But cemented it when her needs came into it (but would have been at home anyway). We are very fortunate to be financially stable.

My husband loves loves loves his job, it's a job and has it's demands, but he doesn't find it stressful. He's one of these lucky people who has found a job he loves. He would openly tell you he would choose to work rather than me to to work and he work less or whatever (he genuinely loves it). It's still a job though!

Like people have said regardless of what number child it is, I wouldn't abort as I am fortunate to be able to provide for another child both emotionally and financially. We are also to be fortunate to be friends with friends who also have large families. It's just whether my husband wants to do that or not (he may not).

My husband struggles as a dad, but has done since day one. Yes the number of children adds to it, absolutely, of course it absolutely does, it would be silly to act like it doesn't.

But the big but is, he'd be this way with one.

It's me taking on the load so to speak, but I don't want to dismiss his feelings or undermine his value (which probably sounds like I am doing) but that comes with trying to explain things online.

I've decided I'm going to tell and go from there!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to post and reply

Good choice.

Good luck.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 13/12/2023 23:31

tell her DH and take it from there.

That in itself is starting to bother me. All the stress and difficulty of this situation is being dumped straight onto DH.

She's taking him problems not solutions, she's not sharing the load. I suspect the reason she knows he's going to be pretty upset is because DC number 5 is self evidently a terrible idea.

One possibility is they live in an 8 bedroom house and already have a minibus as a family car and her husband just finds one extra mildly inconvenient and is unreasonably insisting he has his own way.

Another, more likely possibility, is when DH said the OP would need an abortion he was just stating a blatantly obvious fact - they can't cope with one more. He's just the messenger.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 13/12/2023 23:35

Panaa · 13/12/2023 23:25

Your decision is to keep the baby and if he doesn’t like it he can leave but you’ll be pushing for 50:50 custody.

The only person she can push that with is him and he can easily tell her no and see them EOW or never if he doesn't want to.

And 50:50 custody done really properly requires two six bedroom houses. Is the OP a WAG and forgot to mention it?

tachetastic · 13/12/2023 23:40

Wow! As a dad to four kids, not all of whom were planned, do decent men really walk away from their existing family when they hear that another child is on the way? Trust me, I would not have wanted more but no way would I have walked.

Panaa · 13/12/2023 23:42

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour

That in itself is starting to bother me. All the stress and difficulty of this situation is being dumped straight onto DH.

Oh FGS.
The OP has been the one until now dealing with ALL of the stress and difficulty of the situation. She's now going to share the news with him and could be bringing more stress and difficulty to herself. At no point will she be dumping ALL of the stress and difficulty on him.

And it's not like she can ease him into it and drip feed, she has to come straight out with it.

And why should he be shielded from it?

She's taking him problems not solutions, she's not sharing the load.

Do you want her to go to him and say 'now look before you get stressed and worried don't worry at all because I have already got a solution for this. I'm pregnant but I'm having an abortion?'

What 'solutions' can she bring to him if she doesn't want to have an abortion?
And what way can she approach it with him without telling him the 'problem'?

Psyberbaby · 13/12/2023 23:45

It really is like feminism never happened isn't it.

Rather than think "I've got 4 kids, now what I'd love to do is have a mutually respectful peaceful relationship with my husband and see what other talents and skills I can give to the world", its like "i guess ill just do more baby stuff".

It reminds me of the whole "I'll have fillers and boob jobs and do only fans but it's feminism innit cuz it's my choice" vibe

Tacotortoise · 13/12/2023 23:45

Everyone has a breaking point @tachetastic .

tachetastic · 13/12/2023 23:48

Tacotortoise · 13/12/2023 23:45

Everyone has a breaking point @tachetastic .

As to whether to take care of their own kids? Do they?

Panaa · 13/12/2023 23:49

Psyberbaby · 13/12/2023 23:45

It really is like feminism never happened isn't it.

Rather than think "I've got 4 kids, now what I'd love to do is have a mutually respectful peaceful relationship with my husband and see what other talents and skills I can give to the world", its like "i guess ill just do more baby stuff".

It reminds me of the whole "I'll have fillers and boob jobs and do only fans but it's feminism innit cuz it's my choice" vibe

Is 4 kids the cut off point for feminists then?

Tacotortoise · 13/12/2023 23:51

Of course. And you could argue that divorced parents both "take care" of their kids, just that some of them do it 4 nights in 28.

devondad1 · 13/12/2023 23:51

tachetastic · 13/12/2023 23:48

As to whether to take care of their own kids? Do they?

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.

QueenCamilla · 13/12/2023 23:52

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 22:04

He doesn't have to have any of the kids at all. He can be forced to provide some financial support, but that's it.
I will always support a woman's right to make the choice, but that doesn't mean women always make the right choice.
I don't think it's helpful or realistic to pretend that everything always work out if you just want it or love it enough. Because it doesn't.

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This.

No one on here coming out with pearls of "wisdom" such as - if he doesn't like it, he can fuck off - cares about the children. And it's worrying to imagine that many of those posters are mother's themselves...

Oh, how I wish my mum was married to and having sex with a man who actually wanted us. It would have saved a lifetime of heartache, including for my mum who had to rock my brother to sleep when he would cry for daddy at night between ages 5-8.

We used to draw aliens and spaceships together, he'd braid my hair (badly), we went to see Home Alone when it first came out. And then he left. Suddenly and completely. I think I saw him in the street once...

My mum has apologised to my grown self for hoping against hope that he'd be OK with having two children when he wanted none at all.

Mum struggled terribly bringing us up by herself, working two jobs including night shifts. Dad lived out his life child-free, never remarried and died in his early 60s. His name scribbled on a stick and poked into the ground was the only mark for his grave. My brother found out and paid for a proper burial next to his parents (our grandparents) and a headstone. I think he sometimes visits. I've never been.

Someone mentioned misogyny next to my name. I wish it were that simple.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 13/12/2023 23:54

What 'solutions' can she bring to him if she doesn't want to have an abortion?

...and what solution can he give her if she doesn't want to have an abortion?

Maybe they're well set up for another child and it's all in hand, but I'm not getting the feeling that's the case.

Psyberbaby · 13/12/2023 23:58

@Panaa
Is 4 kids the cut off point for feminists then

If feminism is to go hand in hand with self actualisation, financial independence and eco responsibility, which in my personal world view is the case, then yes.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 00:01

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 13/12/2023 23:54

What 'solutions' can she bring to him if she doesn't want to have an abortion?

...and what solution can he give her if she doesn't want to have an abortion?

Maybe they're well set up for another child and it's all in hand, but I'm not getting the feeling that's the case.

I didn't say that he could give her any solution.

But you're the one who said she's taking him problems, not solutions 🤔

It's not really a 'you're giving me problems and not solutions' kind of situation is it?

Panaa · 14/12/2023 00:07

Psyberbaby · 13/12/2023 23:58

@Panaa
Is 4 kids the cut off point for feminists then

If feminism is to go hand in hand with self actualisation, financial independence and eco responsibility, which in my personal world view is the case, then yes.

Except plenty of people, both male and female don't worry too much (or at all) about self actualisation or eco responsibility.

And women don't have to live their lives for the cause of feminism either. It doesn't mean that feminism never happened!

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 14/12/2023 00:08

Panaa · 14/12/2023 00:01

I didn't say that he could give her any solution.

But you're the one who said she's taking him problems, not solutions 🤔

It's not really a 'you're giving me problems and not solutions' kind of situation is it?

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I have a feeling an abortion might be the only sane solution. I think you might be thinking the same. 😢

Let's hope we're both wrong and they have a massive house and loads of money and the extra child won't be as big a problem as we suspect.

Panaa · 14/12/2023 00:12

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour
I don't have an opinion on what's a sane solution for the pregnancy because I'm not in their relationship or household.

And even if the OP were to have an abortion I don't think that's necessarily the end of the stress and it could still be the beginning of the end of the relationship. Will he go ahead with a vasectomy this time if she feels like she has to have an abortion now? Would she forgive him if she doesn't continue with the pregnancy?