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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
Diaria · 13/12/2023 21:21

Carpediemmakeitcount · 13/12/2023 21:09

The op wasn't against having more children and she doesn't have to go on the pill. The op is having tests to remove all the ifs and buts so she can make a more informed decision. It does sound like she wants to keep the baby and I hope it works out well for her. Her husband can not force her to have an abortion. Coercive control is a criminal offence with up to 5 years in prison.

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@Carpediemmakeitcount

Neurodiversity will not show up on the tests in pregnancy.

It will all look healthy and normal.

Then the problems begin from about 18months - 6years depending on which condition is involved.

Her youngest three aren’t even old enough yet whereby you could rule it out for them.

That’s where the major concern is really.

They have an 8yr old with autism.

They have a 5 year old just starting school and two 2 year olds, concerns may not be raised about any of them for a while yet.…

If having to have another I would have at least waited until the 2 year olds had made it to year 1 or 2 to be sure of no major issues…..

As it stands she could very well have 5-6 ND kids. Meeting all those needs as essentially a sole carer, it’s next to impossible.

Mikimoto · 13/12/2023 21:23

So he DID use protection, but she didn't bother?
Okay...

Redebs · 13/12/2023 21:24

MandyCandy · 13/12/2023 21:17

Exactly this ...

"I don't want anymore kids." But equally you know there is a higher risk of having kids with just using a condom?

Like seriously get over yourself.

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Yes, absolutely.
There's always a risk of pregnancy with condoms. Far higher than a lot of people think.

If he didn't want any more children, then he should have gone for surgery or chosen total abstinence.

What he can't do, is start dictating what happens to the fetus growing inside OP's body.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 13/12/2023 21:25

HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 13/12/2023 21:13

I'm going against the grain here after reading the first page of replies telling you that your DH is vile and responsible for the pregnancy etc but I think you could have got the morning after pill?

You already have a lot of children. That is huge financial pressure.

I remember when we were trying for DC2. We were actively trying when I realised that we should not (I should not) have a second child. DH wanted the baby and said if we didn't have DC2 then we would never try for another child. We/I went ahead and had the baby and it took me so long to bond. DC2 was three years old before I really wanted and grew to love the child. Looking back I had PND and there are still times that I feel resentful that we have two children.

I think if both parents don't want the child, then it is not a good idea to have the child unless prepared to bring the child up alone with nothing more than financial support.

They were using condoms would she need to take the morning after pill every time they had sex?

The op isn't against having more children. I don't agree that the op should have an abortion because their choice of contraception failed because he doesn't want more children. You choose to have a child to keep your husband happy you could have said no and given him a choice to stay or go if he wanted more children and you didn't.

Diaria · 13/12/2023 21:29

BalletBob · 13/12/2023 21:17

They have 4 existing children, one of whom is disabled. How have you deduced that this baby would be "likely disabled"? And your entire comment is based on the idea of OP being irresponsible, not taking precautions, being negligent, which makes no sense at all. She had protected sex. They used condoms. OP is not "utterly selfish" or "a terrible parent", but you are extremely judgemental and have questionable reading comprehension.

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@BalletBob

There is a genetic component to autism and children born to parents with this genetic make up tend to be more severely impacted the older those parents get.

This may be down to egg/sperm quality, other biological factors or simply that with an increasing number of kids the parents have less and less time to try and implement strategies that can improve outcomes for the child…

You couldn’t rule out neurodiversity for the three younger at this stage and it is highly unlikely she will only have 1/5 ND.

I know they had condoms, but with the attitude of her husband, four kids already, one confirmed disabled, it really isn’t sufficient. They should both have been doing more considering their atypical circumstances.

Dogcatmousedog · 13/12/2023 21:30

Hi OP have just read your thread. I hope you have told your husband and all is ok .💐

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 21:33

Redebs · 13/12/2023 21:16

Not if she's already pregnant

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As long as pregnancy choices exist, that's not true.

auburnglow788 · 13/12/2023 21:48

You say he's a very hands on father, yet also say that he didn't take to fatherhood as he thought and he worries about money. Your DH is wrong for refusing to have the snip especially as he is so against having anymore children and still wants to have sex, however, it takes 2 to make a baby. You have 4 children already, including a set of twins and a child with special needs - does it not phase you that you could end up with another multiple pregnancy (2, 3 or more) enough to perhaps take your own precautions? I know that you want this baby and it's happening now, so that's the issue you're dealing with, but before this baby was conceived you both had the choice to make sensible choices.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 13/12/2023 21:49

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 21:33

As long as pregnancy choices exist, that's not true.

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She wants to keep the baby and he doesn't. He chooses to leave 50/50 shared care or 70/30 because of homeschooling doesn't sound to bad. Half her week and half his week will be quiet time. She can work when he has their children.

Tacotortoise · 13/12/2023 21:56

Well yes, if he agrees to 50:50. He may just choose eow and a night in the week. Or just not bother at all.

None of which means that the choice about keeping the baby is not 100% the OP's but she should make that choice understanding that there are other possibilities than "he comes round ".

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 21:56

HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 13/12/2023 21:13

I'm going against the grain here after reading the first page of replies telling you that your DH is vile and responsible for the pregnancy etc but I think you could have got the morning after pill?

You already have a lot of children. That is huge financial pressure.

I remember when we were trying for DC2. We were actively trying when I realised that we should not (I should not) have a second child. DH wanted the baby and said if we didn't have DC2 then we would never try for another child. We/I went ahead and had the baby and it took me so long to bond. DC2 was three years old before I really wanted and grew to love the child. Looking back I had PND and there are still times that I feel resentful that we have two children.

I think if both parents don't want the child, then it is not a good idea to have the child unless prepared to bring the child up alone with nothing more than financial support.

Maybe I’ve missed a graphic post from OP but was there anything to suggest she knew which day to go for the morning after pill?! Assuming this was an ongoing relationship with a surprise positive test rather than a specific burst condom incident? In the latter case DH is no doubt vaguely aware of the heightened possibility?

EarthSight · 13/12/2023 21:58

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion

Babies should be born of two consenting adults, but at the time, it's very convenient for him to tell you what you should be doing....when he's not the one who would have to go through it, physically.

If he doesn't want more kids that much, quite frankly he should consider not having sex rather than having sex on the presumption he can tell another human being what to do with their own body.....but oh wait! That would mean he would have to sacrifice something....which he's not willing to do. That's your job....apparently? 🤔

Southpoint · 13/12/2023 22:02

So he DID use protection, but she didn't bother?
Okay... exactly.

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 22:04

Carpediemmakeitcount · 13/12/2023 21:49

She wants to keep the baby and he doesn't. He chooses to leave 50/50 shared care or 70/30 because of homeschooling doesn't sound to bad. Half her week and half his week will be quiet time. She can work when he has their children.

Show quote history

He doesn't have to have any of the kids at all. He can be forced to provide some financial support, but that's it.
I will always support a woman's right to make the choice, but that doesn't mean women always make the right choice.
I don't think it's helpful or realistic to pretend that everything always work out if you just want it or love it enough. Because it doesn't.

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 22:05

Diaria · 13/12/2023 16:24

Again @MargotBamborough

Speaking as a ND person who has ND kids.

This is NOT a typical situation.

There is already a confirmed disabled child confirmed and potentially up to 3 more in the pipeline.

How in the hell are they going to cater for all of them?! Go to all the extra meetings in school, have the time to write reams for all of them to secure DLA, EHCP etc etc etc

Having a disabled child takes time - LOTS - of time. If one of them is severe enough to require 1:1 support at home and can’t go to either mainstream or special school it doesn’t bode well.

That child already has enough pressure due to three siblings in the house and they are not grown enough to have their needs crystallised.

It really is not about the parents, but about the children and what would be fair on them, existing and potential children.

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I’m not understanding why there are potentially three more disabled children in the pipeline? This post seems to be spawning facts I can’t keep up with …

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 22:05

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 22:05

I’m not understanding why there are potentially three more disabled children in the pipeline? This post seems to be spawning facts I can’t keep up with …

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Oops sorry OP I meant thread, not post

Mirabai · 13/12/2023 22:14

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 22:05

I’m not understanding why there are potentially three more disabled children in the pipeline? This post seems to be spawning facts I can’t keep up with …

Show quote history

Because of the age at which autism is diagnosed - average age 5.

Imagwine · 13/12/2023 22:15

I hope he takes it well.

Diaria · 13/12/2023 22:21

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 22:05

I’m not understanding why there are potentially three more disabled children in the pipeline? This post seems to be spawning facts I can’t keep up with …

Show quote history

@Calliopespa

Statistically the chance of having further autistic children is 1/5.

However, I can tell you from going to autism intervention meetings with lots of parents and from amongst friends kids 90% of them with only 2-3kids either all their kids have it or 2/3….

Crankyandco · 13/12/2023 22:22

You need to tell him. This is not your fault so please dont be so apologetic when you do break the news. It takes two people to make a baby and given he didn't bother to follow up on having the snip he is the one with zero legs to stand on here. Men like this are the absolute pits. Go easy on yourself and remember that this is not all on you. Xxx

47th · 13/12/2023 22:33

I hope he sees sense OP

Diaria · 13/12/2023 22:36

Mirabai · 13/12/2023 22:14

Because of the age at which autism is diagnosed - average age 5.

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@Calliopespa

To elaborate on what Mirabai said which is correct. Very often with higher functioning/previously known as aspergers, autism might not even be recognised until things become more challenging at school circa year 1-2.

If it’s a girl they can be missed completely as the descriptors are generally based on presentation in males and girls are excellent at masking the condition. Unfortunately they can end up with massive mental health problems in teens due to this.

Teachers don’t look for dyslexia until circa age 9, nhs doesn’t assess for adhd until age 7, dyspraxia can be missed until teens or completely.

What we have seen from people we’ve met, there are various combos/comorbidities, for an example of what’s typical, you can have something like below.

  • two autistic both non verbal
  • one kid aspergers type + adhd, the other severely autistic
  • one dyspraxic + adhd, the other autistic
  • one dyslexic, one NT, one autistic
  • two autistic, one adhd, one NT
  • two NT, one autistic

I think the stats miss all of this as so few have done studies on multiple conditions incidence and the links between. It really is rare to have only one in a group of siblings neurodiverse unless there are different fathers.

Ger1atricMillennial · 13/12/2023 22:45

Hi OP.

I am just replying that even though I am sure this is a very difficult time, I am impressed by the way you have worked your way through the issues, and good luck with the pregnancy.

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 22:47

Diaria · 13/12/2023 22:36

@Calliopespa

To elaborate on what Mirabai said which is correct. Very often with higher functioning/previously known as aspergers, autism might not even be recognised until things become more challenging at school circa year 1-2.

If it’s a girl they can be missed completely as the descriptors are generally based on presentation in males and girls are excellent at masking the condition. Unfortunately they can end up with massive mental health problems in teens due to this.

Teachers don’t look for dyslexia until circa age 9, nhs doesn’t assess for adhd until age 7, dyspraxia can be missed until teens or completely.

What we have seen from people we’ve met, there are various combos/comorbidities, for an example of what’s typical, you can have something like below.

  • two autistic both non verbal
  • one kid aspergers type + adhd, the other severely autistic
  • one dyspraxic + adhd, the other autistic
  • one dyslexic, one NT, one autistic
  • two autistic, one adhd, one NT
  • two NT, one autistic

I think the stats miss all of this as so few have done studies on multiple conditions incidence and the links between. It really is rare to have only one in a group of siblings neurodiverse unless there are different fathers.

Show quote history

Ah I see. OP’s problem though is she is pregnant now. I can see why DH didn’t want more - even excluding disability possibilities. Some people don’t want even one child, and he is clearly at his limit. Responses on this thread might have looked quite different had she posted 6 months ago saying shall I wait to see if my other dcs are ND/ requiring extra input etc. But she has now sailed past that juncture and my read is she isn’t asking should she terminate; she’s asking how to go about telling DH she won’t.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 13/12/2023 22:50

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 22:04

He doesn't have to have any of the kids at all. He can be forced to provide some financial support, but that's it.
I will always support a woman's right to make the choice, but that doesn't mean women always make the right choice.
I don't think it's helpful or realistic to pretend that everything always work out if you just want it or love it enough. Because it doesn't.

Show quote history

This is quite a wise post.

There's not much practical detail in the OPs post. How many bedrooms do they have, for instance? I'm not sensing there's a ton of spare budget for a much bigger house and expenses are about to go up. Unless they have a massive house five will be a nightmare.

The OP isn't offering to go back to work (and if she did the child care would be crippling).

The whole thing seems to be "I want a baby. It's not my fault I'm having it. DH must fund it, and the other children must make the necessary sacrifices to make it work." We may not like DHs attitude but there's not much compromise on the other side either.