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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 13/12/2023 19:50

I'm sorry to say op, that the reality is from here - if you don't have the baby you will resent your husband for that, and if you do, he will resent you.

WonderingWanda · 13/12/2023 19:53

Your body, your choice op. Ultimately he can get as angry as he likes but it won't change the fact you are pregnant. If I were you I would spend the Christmas holidays thinking about how you will cope if he decides not to hang around. It sounds like you'd be better off without him. When you do tell him you don't need to say anything more than 'I'm pregnant and I won't be terminating this pregnancy'.

Channellingsophistication · 13/12/2023 20:01

I don’t see how it helps to delay telling him.

Perhaps you should be angry with him! . It’s his fault as he didn’t have the snip… !

In all seriousness, whilst you have a biggish family already, a baby is a wonder and a joy. I hope he sees it that way.

Zanatdy · 13/12/2023 20:04

Well he has himself to blame. It’s not like you’ve pretended to take the pill or poked holes in the condoms. Perhaps this will ensure he goes off and has it done before this child is born. Best of luck

Redebs · 13/12/2023 20:32

Deathbyfluffy · 12/12/2023 20:36

Looking at it pragmatically, can you comfortably afford to have another child?
It’s a point that is often missed in these kind of situations, but should be a major consideration.

It's not about money, though.
OP doesn't want to end the fetus inside her.

bakebeans · 13/12/2023 20:33

I agree with @Marshmallowtoastie . it's ok to put demands on you and have a say in your decision making but he can do a he pleases? I would tell him. You've used precautions . It takes TWO to make a baby not you alone.

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 20:34

Redebs · 13/12/2023 20:32

It's not about money, though.
OP doesn't want to end the fetus inside her.

Show quote history

If a mothers love alone was enough, there would be not a problem in the world.

Reesescheeses · 13/12/2023 20:37

OP I really feel for you. If your husband is a good man then talk of pressuring you into a hypothetical abortion will vanish once you are clear what you want. If he is trying to push you into one, a very firm ‘I will not be killing the baby growing inside my body because you decided you didn’t want a vasectomy’ should do the trick.

My husband and I are done with kids. He’s had his vasectomy and wears a condom too just to be sure. I’ve been very clear that an accidental pregnancy wouldn’t end in an abortion even though I don’t actively want another child.

Redebs · 13/12/2023 20:42

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 20:34

If a mothers love alone was enough, there would be not a problem in the world.

Show quote history

Forced abortion isn't going to solve anything

aloris · 13/12/2023 20:47

"He’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t want the vasectomy. Did OP make it clear she wouldn’t have an abortion if she were to fall pregnant? If not then no they aren’t the same."

So now women are obligated to have an abortion if there's an unplanned pregnancy, if they haven't declared hands-down that they'll never have one? What?

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 20:49

Redebs · 13/12/2023 20:42

Forced abortion isn't going to solve anything

Show quote history

And a baby would?

Has there been any indication from OP that he would force an abortion?

Whenwasthis · 13/12/2023 20:49

You have another pre school child, so this isn't like it's an accidental pregnancy with a huge age gap between kids which can be much more difficult. Tell him sooner rather than later, the age gaps will be good between the children and it's something he's going to have to get used to, which he will. Because he's got no choice! Well his choice is father while together or father separated.. but it won't come to that.

Diaria · 13/12/2023 20:56

SecondUsername4me · 13/12/2023 15:38

Why should the OP take any precautions? She's not the one who was done having kids. He was.

Show quote history

@SecondUsername4me
Because to not take precautions is to be utterly selfish and a terrible parent to the four existing children.

I’m sorry but the oldest is disabled.

The younger three in the next few years will either have disability come to the fore or they will be coping coming bottom of the heap because the disabled kids will always have greater needs.

And OP because she wants another baby has been totally negligent, discounting that her husband has said he will not support further children and the already substantial needs of the four that already depend on her.

It doesn’t matter really about her wanting a baby and him not wanting a baby.

It matters that the health and well-being of four children already alive is going to be negatively impacted by the arrival of another, likely disabled, child, and the discord between their parents over same.

SecondUsername4me · 13/12/2023 21:00

Because to not take precautions is to be utterly selfish and a terrible parent to the four existing children

Did you miss the bit in the OP where it says they used a condom?

Diaria · 13/12/2023 21:08

Pussygaloregalapagos · 13/12/2023 18:46

Good luck! Hope it goes well. I would tell him on Christmas Day. I always tell my kids that ‘Every child is a gift’ but my teenage daughters have taken to replying…. ‘Yeah but you don’t always want your gifts’. The baby will be loved and welcomed I know it. 4 / 5 he’ll barely notice…. Xxxx

@Pussygaloregalapagos

If baby no. 5 is twins, or has developmental delay related to autism I would suspect he will notice….

Like when they can’t talk and you’re still changing their nappy at six and pushing them in a pram… or when you’re on a family day out and out of nowhere they run off with no concept of danger…. It’s so fun! Not.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 13/12/2023 21:09

Diaria · 13/12/2023 15:00

@FlatWhiteExtraHot

Whether or not she was looking for opinions or not, I can completely understand why her husband is adamant about no more children. He is under huge amounts of stress to support 5 people as it is.

Fair enough the baby isn’t less important.

But in having it she is diminishing the importance of the 4 existing children.

How exactly is it of benefit to bring another potentially ND child into the picture when you already have 4, all of whom may need significant support well into adulthood.

It just seems to me stretching resources even thinner and very irresponsible of them both tbh.

Why on earth wasn’t the OP on the pill, the implant, the injection or with a coil fitted until DH could get his op done. It just seems bonkers.

Show quote history

The op wasn't against having more children and she doesn't have to go on the pill. The op is having tests to remove all the ifs and buts so she can make a more informed decision. It does sound like she wants to keep the baby and I hope it works out well for her. Her husband can not force her to have an abortion. Coercive control is a criminal offence with up to 5 years in prison.

Redebs · 13/12/2023 21:09

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 20:49

And a baby would?

Has there been any indication from OP that he would force an abortion?

Show quote history

She doesn't want to have an abortion. It's not a minor thing. Her husband wants her to do it against her wishes.

Just as any woman should he able to end an unwanted pregnancy at the beginning, so should any woman be allowed to continue to nurture, protect and give birth if she wishes. Regardless of money. Money is nothing compared to that.

Tacotortoise · 13/12/2023 21:10

Are you happy to go it alone if necessary @Rainbowdaisys ? Because if he's really struggling with fatherhood anyway there is a chance he'll walk.

BalletBob · 13/12/2023 21:12

HeraSyndulla · 13/12/2023 16:41

There’s missing the point and then there’s your post.

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Ooh a snappy one-liner 🙄 Totally meaningless. I gave a reasoned counter-argument to your sexist drivel. Clearly you have nothing intelligent to say on the subject.

HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 13/12/2023 21:13

I'm going against the grain here after reading the first page of replies telling you that your DH is vile and responsible for the pregnancy etc but I think you could have got the morning after pill?

You already have a lot of children. That is huge financial pressure.

I remember when we were trying for DC2. We were actively trying when I realised that we should not (I should not) have a second child. DH wanted the baby and said if we didn't have DC2 then we would never try for another child. We/I went ahead and had the baby and it took me so long to bond. DC2 was three years old before I really wanted and grew to love the child. Looking back I had PND and there are still times that I feel resentful that we have two children.

I think if both parents don't want the child, then it is not a good idea to have the child unless prepared to bring the child up alone with nothing more than financial support.

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 21:15

Redebs · 13/12/2023 21:09

She doesn't want to have an abortion. It's not a minor thing. Her husband wants her to do it against her wishes.

Just as any woman should he able to end an unwanted pregnancy at the beginning, so should any woman be allowed to continue to nurture, protect and give birth if she wishes. Regardless of money. Money is nothing compared to that.

Show quote history

Money is never "nothing", and the best interests of 4/5 other people do matter. It is of course always the woman's choice, but that decision should be made based on more than just what she wants.

Diaria · 13/12/2023 21:16

SecondUsername4me · 13/12/2023 21:00

Because to not take precautions is to be utterly selfish and a terrible parent to the four existing children

Did you miss the bit in the OP where it says they used a condom?

@SecondUsername4me

It isn’t good enough, they needed either hormonal treatment or sterilisation of one or other of them.

I think they have both really let the other four down.

Diabolically irresponsible.

Redebs · 13/12/2023 21:16

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 21:15

Money is never "nothing", and the best interests of 4/5 other people do matter. It is of course always the woman's choice, but that decision should be made based on more than just what she wants.

Show quote history

Not if she's already pregnant

BalletBob · 13/12/2023 21:17

Diaria · 13/12/2023 20:56

@SecondUsername4me
Because to not take precautions is to be utterly selfish and a terrible parent to the four existing children.

I’m sorry but the oldest is disabled.

The younger three in the next few years will either have disability come to the fore or they will be coping coming bottom of the heap because the disabled kids will always have greater needs.

And OP because she wants another baby has been totally negligent, discounting that her husband has said he will not support further children and the already substantial needs of the four that already depend on her.

It doesn’t matter really about her wanting a baby and him not wanting a baby.

It matters that the health and well-being of four children already alive is going to be negatively impacted by the arrival of another, likely disabled, child, and the discord between their parents over same.

Show quote history

They have 4 existing children, one of whom is disabled. How have you deduced that this baby would be "likely disabled"? And your entire comment is based on the idea of OP being irresponsible, not taking precautions, being negligent, which makes no sense at all. She had protected sex. They used condoms. OP is not "utterly selfish" or "a terrible parent", but you are extremely judgemental and have questionable reading comprehension.

MandyCandy · 13/12/2023 21:17

Sleepsleepsleep123 · 12/12/2023 20:52

Why the hell would he be furious when it's essentially his fault?!

I've said to my dh that if he doesn't want any more kids then he'll have to get the snip or take the risk.

He sounds like a bellend tbh.

Exactly this ...

"I don't want anymore kids." But equally you know there is a higher risk of having kids with just using a condom?

Like seriously get over yourself.

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