Page 13 | How do I break the news to my husband?

Rainbowdaisys · 2023-12-12T20:14:54+00:00

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy. My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant. I haven't told him, and I don't know how. He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion. I'd never want this. I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him. With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year. I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts. But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around. Any advise?

ohdelay · 13/12/2023 18:35

When approaching him it might help if you come prepared with solutions to practical aspects of how having 5 (possibly 6) will work out. Have you got enough room in your house, who will be sharing, will you need a new car. How will you get round with the twins and the newborn. Will you get proper family help. Money wise, what can you cut back on. With cost of living it is pretty daunting having all that pressure on one salary so you'll need to show how you'll make it work.

Quitelikeit · 13/12/2023 18:38

Fingers crossed for you op

Panaa · 13/12/2023 18:38

SnowSwan · 13/12/2023 18:31

The lack of vasectomy doesn't matter now. What he should or shouldn't have done won't change how he is going to feel about this pregnancy. He isn't going to think to himself, "Oops. That was my fault. I guess I'll just have to be happy about it then." Only the OP has a say over what she does with her body. But she doesn't get a say over what her husband does when he learns about the pregnancy. There is a real, serious possibility that he won't accept it. The OP needs to prepare herself for that.

It does matter as the OP said

Thank you all. I have since finding out been blaming myself. I don't know why other than I didn't mind having more children, he did, so therefore it must be my fault.

Of course she doesn't get a say in how he reacts, but when a woman is blaming herself and there's a high risk of her being guilted into having an abortion which she really doesn't want then it's important that people are actually on her side and try to provide some balance.

WestStone · 13/12/2023 18:45

momonpurpose · 13/12/2023 18:33

Exactly this. Kids who are here deserve to be put first. Honestly either way the marriage is probably over. If op gets the abortion she will feel forced and resent him. If she has the child he will be resentful and feel forced. No matter what happens the 4 children suffer because if both parents poor decision and that is very sad.

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Absolutely. There’s the risk of disparity/resentment.

And being “well off” doesn’t really change that imo - I doubt anyone posting here has infinite money. That’s 5 sets of first cars/driving lessons/school fees/holidays/house deposits/weddings etc to fund throughout their lives. Even if you could afford a 24/7 nanny, there’s still the mental load that comes with having loads of children, plus the mental drain finances has. Eg even though I can pay my bills at the moment, cost of living is still frustrating. Just because I can cover my bills, it does’t mean having lots of my income going on bills and losing agency of my income isn’t stressful. He has done well to get a high paying job, but he may begrudge that going on more children/nannies/childcare vs money spent on other benefits to the current family unit.

It really could break the relationship

Pussygaloregalapagos · 13/12/2023 18:46

Good luck! Hope it goes well. I would tell him on Christmas Day. I always tell my kids that ‘Every child is a gift’ but my teenage daughters have taken to replying…. ‘Yeah but you don’t always want your gifts’. The baby will be loved and welcomed I know it. 4 / 5 he’ll barely notice…. Xxxx

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 18:47

Pussygaloregalapagos · 13/12/2023 18:46

Good luck! Hope it goes well. I would tell him on Christmas Day. I always tell my kids that ‘Every child is a gift’ but my teenage daughters have taken to replying…. ‘Yeah but you don’t always want your gifts’. The baby will be loved and welcomed I know it. 4 / 5 he’ll barely notice…. Xxxx

Worst advice ever.

thinslicedham · 13/12/2023 18:50

If he knew you weren't open to abortion, he had three choices: Have a vasectomy, stop having sex, or accept that if birth control failed there would be another child.

He can break up the family if he feels that strongly about it, but no woman should be forced or guilted into an abortion she doesn't want. I couldn't respect or love a man who asked me to have an abortion because he wouldn't have a vasectomy.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 13/12/2023 18:59

Diaria · 13/12/2023 18:13

@Panaa

By OP not putting something in her body for a short number of months while waiting for DH’s vasectomy… OP now has something in her body that will be with her and them all for decades…. Well done. 🙄

She would have been on contraceptives, with all their side effects and risks, until the menopause. There's no "few months" with guys who drag their feet about vasectomy, it's forever.

If he was really serious about it, he'd have gone to Stopes and paid £550 to bypass the NHS waiting list. He didn't and wouldn't even book through the NHS. This tells me everything I need to know about him.

Daisygivemeyouranswerdo · 13/12/2023 19:05

Oh OP, that sounds dreadful for you and you sound really nervous / scared. Is there anyone who can support you in this besides H? I get the sense you really fear his response… wishing you all the best x

grumpycow1 · 13/12/2023 19:06

Marshmallowtoastie · 12/12/2023 20:26

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.
thats a big statement from someone who failed to get the snip. Lovely that he feels he can make medical demands on you though, and also your certainty that he will ruin Christmas for your existing children too, he sounds a delight.

Decide what you want to do first, consider if you can do it alone also in case he leaves / is so unbearable that you leave. And make your own decision then tell him what’s happening. It’s best to be sure yourself so you’re not pushed by him sulking and being horrible into a decision you’re potentially unhappy with.
Ultimately he had sex with a fertile woman using a contraception that does not have a 100% success rate. He knew the risk he was taking. It’s not his place to now demand what you do. Good luck op

This with bells on!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 13/12/2023 19:10

Diaria · 13/12/2023 18:07

@MargotBamborough

The whole premise of the OP’s initial post is that her husband’s attitude is unreasonable….

Considering the facts, I think he is justified in having the opinion regarding the need for abortion if there were accidental pregnancy.

There is no one on the planet with a special needs kid who would think having 5 or 6 of them in the house is good for any of the children.

Likely both parents have elements of ND themselves leading to lack of theory of mind and black and white thinking…. Which equates to communication difficulties, and irresponsibility.

I’m not arguing for OP to terminate. But to realise that her husband appears to be the one with a degree of sense in this scenario.

Although of course, while they were waiting for him to have a vasectomy they should have both taken more responsibility with contraception for OP and/or have abstained from sex to avoid this mess and the negative consequences for their family.

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His attitude is unreasonable because he is willing to fuck the OP with only condoms and demands that the OP aborts if the condoms fail. Means of mutual pleasure exist that don't involve his penis entering her body.

Basically, he wants to get pleasure from OP's vagina whilst making the consequences hers to bear.

Yes, he is being unreasonable, and has been for a long time.

lack of theory of mind

Take your ablist bullshit elsewhere. You are demonstrating far less theory of mind than the OP.

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 19:14

Diaria · 13/12/2023 18:07

@MargotBamborough

The whole premise of the OP’s initial post is that her husband’s attitude is unreasonable….

Considering the facts, I think he is justified in having the opinion regarding the need for abortion if there were accidental pregnancy.

There is no one on the planet with a special needs kid who would think having 5 or 6 of them in the house is good for any of the children.

Likely both parents have elements of ND themselves leading to lack of theory of mind and black and white thinking…. Which equates to communication difficulties, and irresponsibility.

I’m not arguing for OP to terminate. But to realise that her husband appears to be the one with a degree of sense in this scenario.

Although of course, while they were waiting for him to have a vasectomy they should have both taken more responsibility with contraception for OP and/or have abstained from sex to avoid this mess and the negative consequences for their family.

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In what world is the attitude "I absolutely don't want another child but I am not willing to get a vasectomy so if you get pregnant you will have to get an abortion" not unreasonable?

BellesJar · 13/12/2023 19:15

Loulou599 · 13/12/2023 18:18

If I were the partner I would say no problem but I'm quitting my job, it can be your turn to support us all now and I'll stay home

With 5 young kids including one with needs so high he can't attend school? Hardly the easy option.

Onlinetherapist · 13/12/2023 19:16

I'm wondering if you can start by asking him again to consider having a vasectomy? If he refuses, perhaps have a conversation around how unreliable your contraception is. Set the scene for when you feel ready to tell him you are pregnant.

You know your husband best, other mumsnetters do not, so you are best placed to know when to tell him.

Regarding keeping the baby, that is not his decision to make. The decision is all yours. Your body, your choice.

SnowSwan · 13/12/2023 19:17

Panaa · 13/12/2023 18:38

It does matter as the OP said

Thank you all. I have since finding out been blaming myself. I don't know why other than I didn't mind having more children, he did, so therefore it must be my fault.

Of course she doesn't get a say in how he reacts, but when a woman is blaming herself and there's a high risk of her being guilted into having an abortion which she really doesn't want then it's important that people are actually on her side and try to provide some balance.

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It doesn't matter in the sense that it will make a difference about what her husband will do. Telling her that wanting to keep the baby is all that matters isn't being supportive. That just makes her ignore the reality, which is that she may end up on her own with all these children. She needs to think about that and plan for that if she is going to keep the baby.

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 19:18

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 19:14

In what world is the attitude "I absolutely don't want another child but I am not willing to get a vasectomy so if you get pregnant you will have to get an abortion" not unreasonable?

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I don't honestly see a problem with this. He was upfront with how he felt, OP has made informed decisions and should not be surprised by the consequences, as has he.

Applesonthelawn · 13/12/2023 19:20

You should tell him now. It will do a lot of damage to your relationship if he knows you hid this from him. He'll feel you conspired to delay the conversation until it was too late to have an abortion, so his ability to influence the outcome will be removed from him. OK it may be that you think it's not his decision, but he needs to believe it's a joint decision if you are to protect your relationship. I know he sounds like he hasn't protected your relationship by putting the abortion on you, but to respond in kind will just double up on harming the relationship. There's no point, there's no winner in that scenario. Tell him now, tell him bluntly, let him be unhappy, have a miserable Christmas if needs must, but find a way to discuss it so that a joint decision is reached once the initial shock has subsided. Not because you don't have autonomy, just because that's the best practical way forward.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 13/12/2023 19:24

Loulou599 · 13/12/2023 18:18

If I were the partner I would say no problem but I'm quitting my job, it can be your turn to support us all now and I'll stay home

He will be begging to return to work within two weeks.

Men often underestimate how hard the "wifework" and primary caregiving is.

Kittylala · 13/12/2023 19:28

Why are you with him?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 13/12/2023 19:29

SnowSwan · 13/12/2023 19:17

It doesn't matter in the sense that it will make a difference about what her husband will do. Telling her that wanting to keep the baby is all that matters isn't being supportive. That just makes her ignore the reality, which is that she may end up on her own with all these children. She needs to think about that and plan for that if she is going to keep the baby.

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If OP aborts at her "D"H's insistence a baby that she wants, she will end up on her own with her existing children anyway because her marriage will not survive that.

I am proudly pro-choice, pro the woman's choice, and I would not even be able to look at a man who ordered me to abort, never mind touch him again. I suspect many women would feel the same way.

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 19:33

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 19:18

I don't honestly see a problem with this. He was upfront with how he felt, OP has made informed decisions and should not be surprised by the consequences, as has he.

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The OP isn't surprised by the consequences.

As I've said multiple times now, the choice not to have a vasectomy was his. The choice not to have an abortion is hers.

BellesJar · 13/12/2023 19:34

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 13/12/2023 19:24

He will be begging to return to work within two weeks.

Men often underestimate how hard the "wifework" and primary caregiving is.

Edited

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Or do a bare minimum job of it

SnowSwan · 13/12/2023 19:35

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 13/12/2023 19:29

If OP aborts at her "D"H's insistence a baby that she wants, she will end up on her own with her existing children anyway because her marriage will not survive that.

I am proudly pro-choice, pro the woman's choice, and I would not even be able to look at a man who ordered me to abort, never mind touch him again. I suspect many women would feel the same way.

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I already said he doesn't get a say in this. It is her who needs to consider her options. Only she knows if she will be able to cope with 5/6 children (at least one with SN) on her own if he walks.

whatchagonnado · 13/12/2023 19:36

He put the baby in you. You are not at fault at all here. He was taking responsibility for contraception through a condom and it failed. You should not feel guilty for this and you have every right to make the decision to keep him/her

MrsMarzetti · 13/12/2023 19:40

He is a grown man that absolutely doesn't want any more child yet he didn't make sure he couldn't have children and carried on having sex with you knowing there was a risk of pregnancy. He is the one to blame here, if he can not or will not take responsibility he is acting like a fool. Tell him and if he doesn't like it he can leave. If he stays do not have sex with him again until he has had a vasectomy.