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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
Oliotya · 13/12/2023 17:00

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/12/2023 16:47

Fully informed as in aware that they’re not 100% secure? That nothing is 100% secure but that the odds of pregnancy would be considerably lower if he had a vasectomy?

I would hope so…

Show quote history

Fully informed as in fully aware that they weren't on the same page in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. I think it's a reasonable discussion for any couple to have, and I do wonder if OP was as clear about her stance as he was about his.

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 17:08

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 16:39

Well that's because when she tells him is the least of her problems tbh. As parents we don't always get to to do what we want.

Show quote history

No we don’t. But thats the question she has asked for responses on.

Scottymom · 13/12/2023 17:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Maray1967 · 13/12/2023 17:22

Taurusandvirgo · 12/12/2023 21:42

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

Well I'd do it like this..."we're divorcing"

That would be my line if he mentioned a termination, but I’d give him the chance to change his mind first.

OP, I’d tell him sooner rather than later and make it clear that you are keeping the baby. If his family make any comments, push back hard and make it clear that he didn’t sort out the vasectomy. Get your finances sorted out and be ready to face the future if he bails. If you terminate when you don’t want to, I’d imagine your marriage would never recover anyway. You’d never get past the resentment.

AGoingConcern · 13/12/2023 17:25

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

This was the point where you refuse to have penetrative sex until he gets a vasectomy. Did you at least make it clear to him whenever he said this that you absolutely would not consider an abortion, or will it come as a surprise?

Tell him now. You both made a choice together to have sex knowing pregnancy was a possibility, now it's time to deal with the consequences together. Meanwhile, make sure you have a solid exit plan in place for the marriage.

LuckyPeonies · 13/12/2023 17:28

Reads to me like op wants a 5th/6th baby (to match the “friends with large families” she mentioned in one of her posts?) and was therefore happy to gamble with condoms. And husband was extremely foolish to not get the snip and will now be trapped supporting 7 - 8 people, whether the marriage survives or not. It all sounds dreadful and very depressing to me.

thebestinterest · 13/12/2023 17:31

OP, just tell him!!! Don’t wait until you’ve had a scan and gone around being secretive. I’d be even more livid.

also, can he really demand what you do with your body? If he didn’t want a kid he should have snipped!?!?!?!?

Emotionalsupportviper · 13/12/2023 17:35

Any advice?

Yes.

LTB.

I have only said this 3 times in my umpteen year history on MN.

He does not want more children.

He has refused to have "the snip".

He has TOLD you that you will HAVE to have an abortion if YOU become pregnant (something that HE has nothing to do with . . . )

And now you are afraid because you know he will put pressure on you to have a medical procedure that will have physical. mental and emotional effects on you.

HE is a SHIT!

LTB.

BellesJar · 13/12/2023 17:42

LuckyPeonies · 13/12/2023 17:28

Reads to me like op wants a 5th/6th baby (to match the “friends with large families” she mentioned in one of her posts?) and was therefore happy to gamble with condoms. And husband was extremely foolish to not get the snip and will now be trapped supporting 7 - 8 people, whether the marriage survives or not. It all sounds dreadful and very depressing to me.

I'm not sure using condoms properly is a big gamble, it's a valid contraceptive choice and the vast majority of people who use them won't get pregnant.

I think this statement is a bit unfair.

greencheetah · 13/12/2023 17:42

He should have had the snip if he didn’t want more children. Obviously.

Using a condom carries a risk of pregnancy so he’s equally complicit in this.

I hope he takes the news calmly, if not, you need to make plans to manage without him. 💐

Southpoint · 13/12/2023 17:53

I would not have a baby with someone who doesn’t want one or more children than they have already. This is going to be a problem for ever between you two regardless of how you break the news. If he worry about finances? Both of you are responsible for the pregnancy and the decision to have it or not.

hotpotlover · 13/12/2023 17:54

There's always a risk condoms will fail.

He knew that before he had sex with you.

He can't make medical decisions on your behalf.

If he's upset about you not wanting a termination, he can choose to leave the relationship.

However, he will still be financially responsible for 18 years.

SnowSwan · 13/12/2023 17:56

Like people have said regardless of what number child it is, I wouldn't abort as I am fortunate to be able to provide for another child both emotionally and financially.

This bit worries me. Unless you are financially independent in your own right, it sounds like you haven't considered the possibility of him leaving you. He is an idiot to not have gotten a vasectomy if he feels this strongly about not having more children, but that doesn't mean he will just accept it and get on with it. Men walk away from their families for less. Could you manage with 5/6 children on your own with just CM?

Zonder · 13/12/2023 18:03

I hope you've had chance to have a good talk.

Diaria · 13/12/2023 18:07

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 16:32

Again, the OP isn't asking whether or not to have a termination. She doesn't want to. She's asking how to break the news to her husband.

The way to break the news to him is to remind him that he declined to get a vasectomy in favour of a method of contraception which is only 82% effective with typical use. He cannot refuse to undergo a pretty minor procedure on his own body and then expect the OP to undergo a much more traumatic one as a result.

Show quote history

@MargotBamborough

The whole premise of the OP’s initial post is that her husband’s attitude is unreasonable….

Considering the facts, I think he is justified in having the opinion regarding the need for abortion if there were accidental pregnancy.

There is no one on the planet with a special needs kid who would think having 5 or 6 of them in the house is good for any of the children.

Likely both parents have elements of ND themselves leading to lack of theory of mind and black and white thinking…. Which equates to communication difficulties, and irresponsibility.

I’m not arguing for OP to terminate. But to realise that her husband appears to be the one with a degree of sense in this scenario.

Although of course, while they were waiting for him to have a vasectomy they should have both taken more responsibility with contraception for OP and/or have abstained from sex to avoid this mess and the negative consequences for their family.

Panaa · 13/12/2023 18:09

C1N1C · 13/12/2023 11:54

Why is all the blame being put on HIM???

He did his part by wearing a condom. OP could have taken the pill, got the implant, injection, coil... Saying this is his fault for not having the snip is like saying it's OP's fault for not having her tubes tied.

He's the one who was adamant he didn't want more children.

A condom is so easy, all of the options for women involve considerable more risk or side effects.

A lot of women don't get on with hormonal contraception as you well know, I'm probably the only one of my friends who likes the pill. If I couldn't take that then no way would I get the coil as too many of my friends have had horror stories.

If he is adamant he doesn't want kids then the OP isn't obliged to 'do her part' by putting something in her body that she doesn't want to on an ongoing basis.

Diaria · 13/12/2023 18:13

@Panaa

By OP not putting something in her body for a short number of months while waiting for DH’s vasectomy… OP now has something in her body that will be with her and them all for decades…. Well done. 🙄

SpringViolet · 13/12/2023 18:13

I think the OP has done her share in terms of bodily contribution and painful procedures for her family. She has gone through 3 pregnancies, including a twin one, and birthed 4 babies.

If her DH absolutely didn’t want more children, he should have ensured it couldn’t happen again by having a vasectomy. The fact he didn’t want one implies he didn’t want to have to go though a painful procedure or he wanted to leave the option open for more DC later with the OP or someone else. He chose to use condoms which still carry a risk of pregnancy.

Should the OP have had to agree to use hormonal contraception or an IUD or get sterilised herself (again having an effect on her body), despite not being the one totally opposed to more children when the DH has refused to do anything that has an effect on HIS body. Should she had refused sex in case of pregnancy so he then complains about that and goes elsewhere to get it? Furthermore he decreed that the OP should again shoulder the responsibility for any future pregnancy by having an abortion, again an effect on her body.

He left OP in an impossible position due to his own insistence they have no more children while refusing to have any effect in his own body to prevent that.

Sorry OP but he’s not a nice man who has respect for his wife and the mother of his children at all! He’s a selfish prick.

The fact you are so worried about his reaction to news of pregnancy that he is responsible for so that he will ruin Christmas for your kids, makes it sound like you are afraid of him and he is probably at least emotionally abusive, no matter how much you tell yourself he’s a great provider, husband and father.

He may well figure out you’re pregnant anyway so I’d just come out with it. Tell him this is the consequence of him refusing a vasectomy and you will not accept blame in any way. Your decision is to keep the baby and if he doesn’t like it he can leave but you’ll be pushing for 50:50 custody.

Chickpea17 · 13/12/2023 18:13

You really do need to tell him. He entitled to feel how he does about not wanting more kids but of course he shouldn't be telling you to have an abortion. Most men hate condoms so the fact you guys were using them obviously mean he didn't want you to get pregnant. Keep the baby if thats what you want and hopefully he will come around but also be prepared that he might leave.

Loulou599 · 13/12/2023 18:18

If I were the partner I would say no problem but I'm quitting my job, it can be your turn to support us all now and I'll stay home

WestStone · 13/12/2023 18:19

To be honest, I can see why he would be apprehensive about wanting to have another baby. It does seem like a selfish decision that could be a detriment your current family until. You have 2 year old twins. A 5 year old. An 8 year old who also has autism. You have a lot to contend with already and you already know your husband struggles at the moment. He isn’t just there in the background with you taking on all the load - that’s not possible, it obviously impacts his mental health too. It is guaranteed that another baby will require additional care, at a time when your family is already stretched.

Just1MoreMinute · 13/12/2023 18:22

Exactly this.

Panaa · 13/12/2023 18:23

Diaria · 13/12/2023 18:13

@Panaa

By OP not putting something in her body for a short number of months while waiting for DH’s vasectomy… OP now has something in her body that will be with her and them all for decades…. Well done. 🙄

It wasn't a short time and she wasn't waiting for his vasectomy.

You must have missed the part where he was supposed to go for a vasectomy and refused.

So she would have been putting something in her body for several years!!

SnowSwan · 13/12/2023 18:31

The lack of vasectomy doesn't matter now. What he should or shouldn't have done won't change how he is going to feel about this pregnancy. He isn't going to think to himself, "Oops. That was my fault. I guess I'll just have to be happy about it then." Only the OP has a say over what she does with her body. But she doesn't get a say over what her husband does when he learns about the pregnancy. There is a real, serious possibility that he won't accept it. The OP needs to prepare herself for that.

momonpurpose · 13/12/2023 18:33

WestStone · 13/12/2023 18:19

To be honest, I can see why he would be apprehensive about wanting to have another baby. It does seem like a selfish decision that could be a detriment your current family until. You have 2 year old twins. A 5 year old. An 8 year old who also has autism. You have a lot to contend with already and you already know your husband struggles at the moment. He isn’t just there in the background with you taking on all the load - that’s not possible, it obviously impacts his mental health too. It is guaranteed that another baby will require additional care, at a time when your family is already stretched.

Exactly this. Kids who are here deserve to be put first. Honestly either way the marriage is probably over. If op gets the abortion she will feel forced and resent him. If she has the child he will be resentful and feel forced. No matter what happens the 4 children suffer because if both parents poor decision and that is very sad.