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Pregnancy

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Original poster

How do I break the news to my husband?

543 replies

Rainbowdaisys · 12/12/2023 20:14

To put it simply I'm pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

My husband wants no more children. He was supposed to go for the snip, refused and and despite using a condom I found out a few weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

I haven't told him, and I don't know how.

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

I'd never want this.

I've spoken to my friend whose a midwife, and today an unplanned pregnancy charity - but obviously all are non advisory and cannot tell me what to do or say to him.

With Christmas coming up and not wanting to spoil the festivities for our children (it would if he found out, as he'd be furious) I've decided to withhold telling him until the new year.

I've booked a scan, and am considering due to my age of having tests done before telling him - then presenting him with all the facts.

But I also feel weird carrying this huge secret around.

Any advise?

OP posts:
Mummy00007 · 13/12/2023 16:12

You're gonna have to tell him at some point. If you want the child sit down and have a discussion with him and come to decision together. I do wish you all the best

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 13/12/2023 16:14

Good luck

Diaria · 13/12/2023 16:15

SecondUsername4me · 13/12/2023 15:38

Why should the OP take any precautions? She's not the one who was done having kids. He was.

Show quote history

Being aware of her husband’s lack of support for a fifth child and the potential breakdown of the family if they should have one, she should have taken some personal responsibility to prevent a further pregnancy. For the well being and security of her existent children.

This is not just a case of the parents wants here, this is not a normal scenario with children who will cope typically.

Potentially all of the four children have some form of ND and a fifth/sixth will reduce their access to support to enable them to flourish into adulthood.

The responsibility is greater when you have disabled children. And regardless, it is always a collective responsibility To ensure that existing children’s needs can be met prior to having any more.

For example, when there was a question mark over one of ours we waited to see how the situation developed…. At 1 1/2 coping with another would have been fine…. But we waited until older, and were glad because coping with the needs of an older child is SO much more and will be SO much more….

OP is thinking about “now” and the ability to cope, I would wager the husband is thinking about “later” as well…. The needs of the existent children need to be paramount over either parents wants over number of children.

Diaria · 13/12/2023 16:16

@SecondUsername4me see above

Sofita90 · 13/12/2023 16:18

@Rainbowdaisys
I think is your choice to keep the baby but it seems you romanticise it. Are your finances enough for a fifth baby when you husband plans to get retired and how back this will get to you. How many things and attention the kids you currently have will need to 'lose'? As well you have a kid that needs more care I think you may not know all the details about your finances. If you decide for an abortion the sooner the better then will become more difficult for both of you. You are telling us what your husband wanted but did you want a fifth kid? Please don't hide it , speak with your husband, ask him to get sniped asap and ask him about finances , retirement kids education ect and take an informed decision

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 16:19

@Diaria She did take "some responsibility". They used a condom.

"Some responsibility" does not equal "being willing to have an abortion if your contraception fails".

Diaria · 13/12/2023 16:19

@Sususudio

Both of them seem bafflingly irresponsible.

Yep.

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 16:19

Are you prepared to leave him if he insists on termination? I’m a believer in marriage and don’t ask that lightly but if I was in a position mentally and financially to support the child, I would be prepared to preserve my child’s life over marriage. If yes, then no point saying anything yet…

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/12/2023 16:23

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

so he doesn’t want the snip. But you would have to have an abortion?

what a disgusting man.

Diaria · 13/12/2023 16:24

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 16:19

@Diaria She did take "some responsibility". They used a condom.

"Some responsibility" does not equal "being willing to have an abortion if your contraception fails".

Again @MargotBamborough

Speaking as a ND person who has ND kids.

This is NOT a typical situation.

There is already a confirmed disabled child confirmed and potentially up to 3 more in the pipeline.

How in the hell are they going to cater for all of them?! Go to all the extra meetings in school, have the time to write reams for all of them to secure DLA, EHCP etc etc etc

Having a disabled child takes time - LOTS - of time. If one of them is severe enough to require 1:1 support at home and can’t go to either mainstream or special school it doesn’t bode well.

That child already has enough pressure due to three siblings in the house and they are not grown enough to have their needs crystallised.

It really is not about the parents, but about the children and what would be fair on them, existing and potential children.

Verbena17 · 13/12/2023 16:24

Hi @Rainbowdaisys The fact that he seemingly wasn’t all that bothered about going to your previous baby scans kind of says volumes!

If you want to keep the baby, stick to your guns - he cannot demand you to have an abortion!

Perhaps he’ll feel differently once you tell him.

I do think it will be worse telling him after Xmas - he’ll say something like you waited to make abortion more difficult etc.
I would tell him now. If he is an arse and isn’t supportive, that kind of means you need to ask yourself if you actually want to be with him.

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 16:27

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/12/2023 16:23

He has said several times to me if I was to fall pregnant I'd have to have an abortion.

so he doesn’t want the snip. But you would have to have an abortion?

what a disgusting man.

Kind of depends how the rest of the conversation went doesn't it?
"You'd have to have an abortion" - oh yes dear, 5 kids would be far too many.

"You'd have to have an abortion" - absolutely not, I would happily have another baby.

Was his decision to rely on condoms alone fully informed? Was he aware that their feelings about unplanned pregnancy differed?

HeraSyndulla · 13/12/2023 16:28

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 16:01

Yes but he refused to get a vasectomy.

If he had done that, the OP would not be pregnant.

Show quote history

First of all vasectomy isn’t risk free and he did use contraception. Also OP can’t just absolve herself of all responsibility. She is an adult with four kids already. She knew his position on further issue and they have 2 yr old twins and another with SEN.

He may of course accept it and just get on with it or the shit really could hit the fan.

escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 16:31

Rainbowdaisys · 13/12/2023 08:59

8, 5 and twin 2 year olds. The 8 year old has autism and has to be home tutored due to her needs. So we always knew I wouldn't be returning to work but so far manage fine (albeit busy!)

I’d have been insisting on 5 condoms on in this scenario

MargotBamborough · 13/12/2023 16:32

Diaria · 13/12/2023 16:24

Again @MargotBamborough

Speaking as a ND person who has ND kids.

This is NOT a typical situation.

There is already a confirmed disabled child confirmed and potentially up to 3 more in the pipeline.

How in the hell are they going to cater for all of them?! Go to all the extra meetings in school, have the time to write reams for all of them to secure DLA, EHCP etc etc etc

Having a disabled child takes time - LOTS - of time. If one of them is severe enough to require 1:1 support at home and can’t go to either mainstream or special school it doesn’t bode well.

That child already has enough pressure due to three siblings in the house and they are not grown enough to have their needs crystallised.

It really is not about the parents, but about the children and what would be fair on them, existing and potential children.

Show quote history

Again, the OP isn't asking whether or not to have a termination. She doesn't want to. She's asking how to break the news to her husband.

The way to break the news to him is to remind him that he declined to get a vasectomy in favour of a method of contraception which is only 82% effective with typical use. He cannot refuse to undergo a pretty minor procedure on his own body and then expect the OP to undergo a much more traumatic one as a result.

Northby · 13/12/2023 16:32

OP it’s lovely that you want to honour your DH’s feelings, but if he really felt that strongly about it then he should have got the snip. It’s that simple. If he wants to be cross with anyone, he needs to be cross with himself, and himself alone.

All the best and congratulations.

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 16:32

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 14:59

Quote why anyone would want a 5th child with a man who doesn't like being a father, I can't understand. Doesn't seem like a great scenario for anyone. Lots of poor decision making, and 5 kids not really being put first.

The problem is she is in the situation now. If she had posted a few months back asking what we all thought about a fifth child in her circumstances the answers might have differed ( mine would have.) The question here is different: she wants the baby and wants to know when to tell him.

BalletBob · 13/12/2023 16:32

HeraSyndulla · 13/12/2023 15:55

Jeeze, can you imagine having to go through all the shit and hassle, not to mention the cost, of bringing up a child you never wanted in the first place. And your partner knowing that.

I guess you may be able to force his hand in the short term but you can’t force his enthusiasm or his settled commitment. Real life just doesn’t work like that. Ultimately you got to mean something in your own marriage. And to be told to either step up ( and it’s not just “another” child , it’s five of them ) or fuck off is a form of betrayal. It’s saying you don’t matter so shut the fuck up. And I don’t know anybody who would be happy with that.

What a load of absolute nonsense.

Nobody forced him to do anything. He didn't want more children and could have had a very simple, quick, free of charge procedure to ensure this. He chose not to - despite repeated reminders from OP - and chose to accept the risk of unwanted pregnancy that comes with relying on condoms. He doesn't get to now force OP to abort a baby she does want because that's his preference. Why are his feelings and needs more important than hers? Why isn't he responsible for taking care of his own fertility? Ludicrous that this misogyny is still alive and kicking in 2023.

escapethemaze · 13/12/2023 16:33

how have you managed to effectively home school your eldest if you have gone on to have 3 more children since he was school age. and now there will be another newborn. Must have massive negative ramifications on his education

ComputerIsSayingNo · 13/12/2023 16:34

Don’t know what to say other than I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I have managed to not tell my husband I am pregnant for several weeks several times. I’m guessing you are waiting to tell him to be so far along the termination then becomes surgical not a medical option as yo7 are so worried about his reaction.
Which is all on him and not getting the snip.

momonpurpose · 13/12/2023 16:36

Financially I can see DH's point. Which is why he should have gotten the snip. If you do have this baby I think you need to look at a way to bring extra income into the household. Work from home or pt even. 5 children on one salary is difficult at best

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 16:39

Calliopespa · 13/12/2023 16:32

The problem is she is in the situation now. If she had posted a few months back asking what we all thought about a fifth child in her circumstances the answers might have differed ( mine would have.) The question here is different: she wants the baby and wants to know when to tell him.

Show quote history

Well that's because when she tells him is the least of her problems tbh. As parents we don't always get to to do what we want.

HeraSyndulla · 13/12/2023 16:41

BalletBob · 13/12/2023 16:32

What a load of absolute nonsense.

Nobody forced him to do anything. He didn't want more children and could have had a very simple, quick, free of charge procedure to ensure this. He chose not to - despite repeated reminders from OP - and chose to accept the risk of unwanted pregnancy that comes with relying on condoms. He doesn't get to now force OP to abort a baby she does want because that's his preference. Why are his feelings and needs more important than hers? Why isn't he responsible for taking care of his own fertility? Ludicrous that this misogyny is still alive and kicking in 2023.

Show quote history

There’s missing the point and then there’s your post.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/12/2023 16:47

Oliotya · 13/12/2023 16:27

Kind of depends how the rest of the conversation went doesn't it?
"You'd have to have an abortion" - oh yes dear, 5 kids would be far too many.

"You'd have to have an abortion" - absolutely not, I would happily have another baby.

Was his decision to rely on condoms alone fully informed? Was he aware that their feelings about unplanned pregnancy differed?

Show quote history

Fully informed as in aware that they’re not 100% secure? That nothing is 100% secure but that the odds of pregnancy would be considerably lower if he had a vasectomy?

I would hope so…

hangingonfordearlife1 · 13/12/2023 16:52

sorry but how can he be furious when he refused to have the snip???