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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender disappointment - please tear into me

127 replies

Mottledgrey · 07/12/2023 11:32

As the title says really. Yesterday we found out that our second and last child is another DS. I don’t think I realised how much I wanted him to be a girl until they told me in the scan room and I immediately started crying. It was a private scan and it was meant to be such a lovely experience but I was just desperate to leave. I feel so guilty about how I feel that I can’t even look at any of the scan photos.

I don’t think it helps that DH and my parents were also hoping for a girl so I feel like I’ve failed them which is just ridiculous!

Basically I need you all to tell me what a terrible person I am for feeling like this because I can’t talk about it in real life!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SunRainStorm · 07/12/2023 11:33

You're not a terrible person.

Boys are wonderful.

Everything will be fine.

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/12/2023 11:34

Let yourself feel terrible today and then focus on this being a healthy baby. Boys are wonderful.

NotAMumNotByChoice · 07/12/2023 11:35

I'll have him

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/12/2023 11:35

PS you are not a horrible person. We all have some fantasy ideas about parenthood. No one's life lives up to them.

babythreeincoming · 07/12/2023 11:36

Very normal if you have a "set sex" in your head and you'll just need some time to process things. I have two boys and expecting a third boy and honestly I couldn't be happier! Seeing my two boys already is everything, they enjoy the same things, play with the same toys and can share clothes.

What will the age gap be? All three of mine are very close in age which I think helps.

You are going to have a lovely and healthy baby in your arms before you know it and you will look back on this moment and wonder why you felt the way you did 💙

Homesweethome93 · 07/12/2023 11:37

I felt the exact same, honestly I felt awful I walked out of the clinic with a face like a slapped arse.. You've not failed anyone not yourself not them either. When I saw my baby boy for the first time I absolutely loved him, nothing can change that. I think alot of people hope for a girl for the second time around. But Iv got 2 boys now. And honestly wouldn't change them for the world. I felt the same I know how your feeling. Iv spoken about this to several people from how I felt and it is normal to have these feelings. You've built yourself up on so much hope for a girl.xx

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2023 11:38

Be kind to yourself. How you feel is very, very common. You will be madly in love with your baby boy, I assure you.

Daisies12 · 07/12/2023 11:40

It’s sex. Your child can chose to express their gender however they chose. And honestly be grateful for a healthy baby. A lot more more than some of us get.

Whataretheodds · 07/12/2023 11:40

You are not a horrible person but you are focusing on the wrong things.

What do you most want for your child? I bet you can think of 20 things off the top of your head before you get to what's between their legs.

gentlemum · 07/12/2023 11:41

I can completely understand your feelings and you are not in any way a horrible person and don't need to feel guilty. The way to look at it is not that you don't want your second little boy and aren't happy with him, but you're grieving for the little girl that you're not having. Give yourself this time to be upset and grieve. The awful feelings won't last forever and particularly once he's born you'll be more than happy with him x

CasaAmarela · 07/12/2023 11:41

I'm not going to tear into you but I will say imagine how you would have felt if there was no heartbeat or if there was something wrong. All you'd want was for him to be alive and well. You're not an awful person and you can't help your feelings but it's sad that you're feeling this way. I promise you won't feel like this when he's born.

Waitingfordoggo · 07/12/2023 11:42

You’re not a terrible person at all. It’s ok to feel how you feel. If you’re worried about your disappointment showing when you tell people, maybe keep the news to yourself for a while until you’ve processed it. This WILL pass, and you will love your second DS.

PaintAngst · 07/12/2023 11:42

Sit with the difficult feelings. They will pass.

But what your DH and your parents 'wanted' has absolutely everything to do with them and nothing to do with you, so I would be asking myself questions about your tendency to think it's your job to fulfil other people's expectations, regardless of whether or not it's in your power?

Cheesewiz · 07/12/2023 11:45

These threads are always about boys 🙄

MRSMTO · 07/12/2023 11:46

I'm sure you're not a terrible person and I mean that but twice I've gone for early scans after IVF treatment to be told my baby had died. Now that's disappointing!

Boys are great, babies are fab and it really doesn't matter if you never have a girl.

coolkatt · 07/12/2023 11:46

i'm not laying into you cos your feelings are normal.
but get over it asap too. do not dwell on this.
your baby deserves to be loved for who he is.
and you really must be thankful that this is a healthy baby. way wayyyy more important than sex. start speaking to your little boy and give him a wee cute boy nickname that will associate his as your baby boy.

JaxiiTaxii · 07/12/2023 11:48

I think being upset about the fact you wont get to experience being a girls Mum is a bit different to 'not wanting a boy'.

I understand it, but it will pass because you already know boys are fucking awesome.

Two boys is twice as many moments that take your breath away because you love them that much (normally when sleeping). Three times as many giggles as they plot your downfall...

Tiny unborn babies are so full of potential - this little life could bring you everything you ever dreamed of for your family & more, irrespective of his sex.

weaselwords · 07/12/2023 11:49

SunRainStorm · 07/12/2023 11:33

You're not a terrible person.

Boys are wonderful.

Everything will be fine.

This. It will all be fine!

Lottie917 · 07/12/2023 11:49

You're not a horrible person at all, this is a really common thing for women to experience. This is your last baby and the fact that you won't get to experience being a 'girl' mum, when clearly it's something you always saw yourself being, is going to hit hard - it would hit me hard too.

But these feelings will pass, just take your time and as PP has said, sit with those feelings and work through them however you need to. You will get used to the fact that baby is a boy and you will begin to look at the bigger picture in the long run - that you're welcoming another baby into your life and the most important thing is that they're healthy, regardless of anything else.

Also, your partner and parents are fine to feel how they feel on this, but don't let any prolonged negativity (if there happens to be any) from them impact you and how you feel about your pregnancy and work through this yourself. You haven't disappointed them at all.

HowNice23 · 07/12/2023 11:51

It'll be fine. Your boy will have a brother. That's amazing and lovely. I've two teenage boys and it's all good. Honestly x

theprincessthepea · 07/12/2023 11:52

I know exactly how you feel. I had the same at my scan but I knew I was being unreasonable straight away! I spent the day reminding myself of how great the boys and even men in my life have been as my sadness came from not growing up around males. I was shocked at how emotional it made me. It’s normal to have a preference but getting over it is the main thing x

I now love the idea of having a boy. To be fair all I have to do is go to a predominantly female family dinner (my family has so many females!) and think to myself that we really need some masculine energy to balance things out.

SignoraItaliana · 07/12/2023 11:54

My second baby was another boy - this was way before gender reveal scans were available so I found out once I'd given birth. I remember feeling fleetingly disappointed. 'I've already got a boy' went through my mind. But once I had him in my arms, I forgot all about wanting a daughter. Two boys will be lovely.

JaxiiTaxii · 07/12/2023 11:54

I don’t think it helps that DH and my parents were also hoping for a girl so I feel like I’ve failed them which is just ridiculous!

Let this go immediately.
Your DH has decided the sex, so this is all on him!!

WoolyMammoth55 · 07/12/2023 11:55

OP, so sorry that you're feeling this. Promise you haven't let anyone down and promise that once that cute baby boy arrives you won't care any more that you didn't "get your girl".

I'm in your shoes with 2 DS and my god they are LOVELY with each other, it's so joyful watching them play and roll around like puppies! I'm not saying girls are worse or 1 of each is worse, but I am SURE that 2 boys is great and you are so lucky that your pregnancy is healthy!

Focus on the good bits of what's coming, there are loads to celebrate and you're not missing out on anything.

DrivingonIce · 07/12/2023 11:56

A brother to brother bond is a lovely thing, truly.

I think the poster who said that you are pining for your imagined daughter, not rejecting your son, has it right.

I'm so sorry, too, for the losses experienced by other posters. I've been in that scan that showed no heartbeat.

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