Gender disappointment - please tear into me

[Mottledgrey]

As the title says really. Yesterday we found out that our second and last child is another DS. I don’t think I realised how much I wanted him to be a girl until they told me in the scan room and I immediately started crying. It was a private scan and it was meant to be such a lovely experience but I was just desperate to leave. I feel so guilty about how I feel that I can’t even look at any of the scan photos.

I don’t think it helps that DH and my parents were also hoping for a girl so I feel like I’ve failed them which is just ridiculous!

Basically I need you all to tell me what a terrible person I am for feeling like this because I can’t talk about it in real life!

Yes because women write them. If there were a such a thing as Dadsnet you would get a lot of gender disappointment about girls I imagine

Many of us have been in that scan room being told 'sorry there's no heartbeat'.

Imagine that feeling compared to 'I'm having a boy'

We'd give ANYTHING to hear the latter.

I wanted two girls as I had a really bad relationship with my brother. I had DD and DS was my second. Boys are amazing and the bond they have with their mum is something you don't get with girls who are more independent. You will fall in love with him as soon as he is put in your arms. Bigs hugs x

honestly this is why its better to just not find out until the birth

You feel how you feel - that's ok. You can start to alter that though, by controling how you think.

First, it's the X or Y sperm that determines the sex of the baby. You can only produce an X egg (and you were born with them all, so that's a done deal). Baby's sex is entirely delivered by the father. So stop that my fault nonsense. And if you're getting any of that from any quarter, give them that info.

Second, he's a BABY. A lovely healthy BABY. So many here would have given everything to be granted that privilege.

Third, he's a whole new human being under construction and you get to create who he'll be throughout his life.

You don't want that to come with any 'I wish you'd been a girl' nonsense.

What he does, who he becomes, what he likes to do, who he loves, his personality ... What an honour to be part of developing that.

Let your disappointment fade and focus on the wonderful. Congratulations 🤗

Totally agree.

Two boys here, older teens now. They’re amazing. They’d be equally as amazing if they’d been girls. It doesn’t matter because they’re your children and therefore the most amazing people you’ll ever meet.

For those saying these threads are all about boys… I felt the same when I found out I was expecting my second girl. In my family at that point all the babies had been girls and everyone kept saying “this one will definitely
be a boy” so I kind of had my heart set on having a son, and it sounds ridiculous but I really wanted to use my boy name! Even after my wonderful DD2 was born in my heart I secretly grieved a tiny bit the little boy I had imagined.

Now obviously I can’t think of anything better than having 2 girls! They are both very different but also really close- I think same sex siblings tend to be closer, from people I know.

I’ve also told my DDs that they have to use my boy name for one of my grandchildren! 🤣

Be grateful. I went to a gender scan for my 2nd found out he was a boy, 1st DC also a boy. Then she said, I can’t let you walk out of here without telling you what I can see, and told us our second baby boys heart didn’t look right which then turned out to be a fatal heart condition with the odds being he wouldn’t survive past age 5 and I then lost him at 21 weeks pregnant. I’d give anything to have my two boys.

I know im going to be gutted if I'm having a boy because the father has aspbergers - I've only just found out. I just know he's going to be a terrible role model.

Exactly the same reaction when I had my second boy, exactly the same reaction when I had my third boy and every time I said it's my last. Never say never number four is a girl.

So keep on trying!

You're not a terrible person.

You also need to acknowledge that when people are pining for a daughter (which happens lots) what you're actually pining for is a fantasy daughter who will fulfil a role that you've imagined.

There's no guarantee that a daughter will be the best buddy/best friend/super close daughter/mini me and do the sort of interests and hobbies you want.

Get the feelings out, but then you ultimately need to get a grip and get excited about a child who should be loved in their own right

I think this is normal to a certain extent. With our first we kept it a surprise & didn’t find out until birth. I just wanted a healthy baby/child to be honest & wasn’t bothered about gender. Stressful pregnancy with lots of reduce movement etc too. However one Sonographer said ‘she’ in an appointment & i thought maybe they have let slip by accident. Took it with a pinch of salt though my husband was hopeful it was a girl as he wanted a girl 🤣 anyway out popped my son and honestly was just so bloomin happy he was alive & healthy & fell in love immediately!

This pregnancy we have found out and been told twice it’s a girl. Husband is soo happy but I had ‘boy mum’ in my head 😂 so when we found out it threw me off. Not really for myself as again I’m happy with whatever as long as myself and baby are healthy & happy! But because my son was saying he wanted a brother. He’s warmed to the idea of potentially it being a sister now (not told him as he will spill with family! Want to keep it a secret for them) & I’m very much excited to meet our baby girl 😀

You’ll get use to it and fall in love when he pops out no doubt. Good luck with the pregnancy!

OP you can't help how you feel, but I'm another one who had real bad news at a scan - a list of anomalies were seen on my baby's scan. I was in shock, was phoned the next day and asked what I wanted to do, opted for a tfmr, took the first tablet there and then (and have regretted it ever since). I never went on to have another baby. Nothing to do with your situation of course, except to say I would do anything to go back in time and have a baby and it wouldn't matter at all whether they were a boy or a girl. I'm sure in time you will just be grateful to have your healthy baby and will enjoy being his mum.

💐xx

Not for everyone. I never wanted a boy because I hadn't grown up with boys. I had a girl first and fully expected DC2 to be a girl. When he was born I was so shocked and couldn't relate to him at all. I just went through the motions of caring for him. Then at around six weeks he started to smile at me and I began to unfreeze. It took a while though. If I had known in advance I think I would have come to terms with it and been able to enjoy him from day one. Of course, I have really loved having my son and he's so loving compared to his sisters.

You should have waited until birth.

Have also been told there was no heartbeat when I was just hoping to hear "everything is fine". I'm sure you'll be happy once he's here.

Gender reveal was not available in my day. I can remember thinking. This is going to hurt & does it matter what type the second one is as long as it is a healthy baby because you can’t send them back. I would imagine most people would want one of each sex. One thing for sure with same sex children is you can hand me down the clothes.

Why are these threads almost universally about being disappointed to be having a son? I don't recall ever seeing one about disappointment in having a daughter.
I'm an only child (although 'child' is pushing it, I'm mid 60s now). My mother told me, repeatedly, and from me being very young, that she'd never wanted a girl. She wanted a boy. She never bonded with me, she was jealous of my closeness with my dad, who was just happy to have a healthy child and a family.
She wasn't a feminine woman, l was a feminine teenager, and she had no idea what to do with me. I loved clothes, makeup, perfume, etc, and she just didn't comprehend it. From what l've been told by family, she was very tomboyish as a child, she used to run about with her brother and his mates, so that's understandable.
Because of the way she was with me, I decided l didn't want to have children (although l did lose two babies) - I felt l couldn't risk treating a child of mine, the way she'd treated me.
I have two stepsons now (and a very small granddaughter) who l adore. Everyone tells me l'd have been an amazing mum, but l was too scared.

My next door neighbours have three boys between thirteen and five, and they're just so lovely together, OP. All so different, but you can see they have a wonderful bond, they're so close.
I'm sure you'll always 'miss' having a daughter, but I'm equally sure you'll be happy and grateful to deliver a healthy boy. And for your boy now to be a big brother! I hope all goes well for you x

I have 2 boys and for a fleeting moment I would have liked a girl, but honestly hand on heart 2 boys is amazing - they are cuddly and loving even as teenagers and life is so much easier for me than friends with 2 different genders, they are into the same things , happy doing stuff just the 2 of them, share friends , share clothes and have always entertained each other, it's truly a blessing being a mother of 2 boys - you will learn to love it but don't feel guilty or bad for how you feel one bit!

Have also been told there was no heartbeat when I was just hoping to hear "everything is fine". I'm sure you'll be happy once he's here.
This. My lovely friend who was pregnant with a very much wanted baby, had a stillbirth at 8 months. It had taken her a long time to get pregnant, and she can't face it again. They're looking at adoption now.

It's okay to feel disappointed (regardless of what anyone says). You will get over it though, just allow yourself some time to process.

My two sons are the best of friends and always have been, it is an unbreakable bond. No drama, fighting or tears, they just love one another, simple as that.
It's completely natural to feel as you do, but it will pass.
My eldest son 22 has been with his girlfriend for five years, she is lovely and feels very much part of our family and she is the love of his life now and rightly so.
So make the absolute most of it because you will only be his first love for so long, a blink of an eye and he will be asking you nervously f he looks ok before going out on a date.

Hey OP, I truly believe we get what us destined for us - and I’m not religious. You are meant to be a mum of boys. Maybe it’s because you’ll do a cracking job bringing them up to be wonderful men. Congratulations on another beautiful son.
Enjoy your final pregnancy and start today. It’s a special time, especially if it’s your last. But everyone gets the privilege of experiencing it or parenthood.

NOT everyone gets the privilege I meant.