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Original poster

Gender disappointment - please tear into me

127 replies

Mottledgrey · 07/12/2023 11:32

As the title says really. Yesterday we found out that our second and last child is another DS. I don’t think I realised how much I wanted him to be a girl until they told me in the scan room and I immediately started crying. It was a private scan and it was meant to be such a lovely experience but I was just desperate to leave. I feel so guilty about how I feel that I can’t even look at any of the scan photos.

I don’t think it helps that DH and my parents were also hoping for a girl so I feel like I’ve failed them which is just ridiculous!

Basically I need you all to tell me what a terrible person I am for feeling like this because I can’t talk about it in real life!

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Allthingsdecember · 07/12/2023 18:17

You’re not a terrible person but you are being ridiculous.

I say that with 100% confidence as I’m sat watching DS2 giggling helplessly at DS1 plays peekaboo with him. I wouldn’t swap my two little boys for anything, they’re amazing.

NotAMumNotByChoice · 07/12/2023 18:18

SquashPenguin · 07/12/2023 18:15

There are couples who can’t even have children and would give anything for just one, boy or girl.

This.

Mummymummy89 · 07/12/2023 18:47

Combusting · 07/12/2023 18:09

In the country I come from - the gender disappointment around girls has created so many foeticides of female foetuses and girls are quite such a burden, that despite the government making prenatal sex determination illegal - sex selective foeticide is rampant, as are honour killings, dowry deaths and myriad such.

I’ve made my life in the UK and I watch these threads with amazement. Growing up back home I was forever grateful I was born a girl child in the right family. And then as an adult I see these threads and the peculiarity of the contrast is breathtaking.

all this to say - rest assured girls are on the receiving end of this across the vast majority of many countries and there the disappointment doesn’t just become a thread on a forum…

Show quote history

My original home country is the same. My grandparents were the same and actually abused my mum for being a girl (first born) and then weirdly indulged their first boy. So, so toxic.

But that's why I can't get worked up on these threads and berate the op, as many are doing. You can tell op is not like that, it's just a brief passing feeling that she wants to talk through. She's not going to abuse her kids for being the "wrong" sex.

Inspirationneededplease · 07/12/2023 18:53

You’re not terrible. I felt it with my DC2 when I found out he was another boy. When I was pregnant with my DC3 I prepared myself for another boy but was told at private scan it was a girl so completely bonded to the longed for girl. I was then devastated to find out my third was also a boy. I now have 3 boys 5, 3 and 2. I honestly wouldn’t change it. I feel a loss for the girl I’ll never have but I just can’t regret my boys.

i found it very healing when my sister had a girl. We finally had a girl in the family and you realise no matter the sex, they’re just babies. Coincidentally she wanted a two boys so was very thrown. We have these ideas around sex and gender that we relate to consciously and unconsciously but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter.

It’s important to acknowledge the loss and mourn the girl you won’t have. Some days it hits me hard. But you’re gaining so much more. Your unique family that you get to love and shape. Good luck ♥️

tokesqueen · 07/12/2023 19:16

I have two DS. 2.5 years apart.
I would have preferred a girl for my second. So would DH. My DM was 'gutted' to get another grandson!
What time has taught me, 21 years on, is that for us, two of the same gender has been absolutely the best outcome.

These threads btw are always about boys because they are female dominated. A male forum would read very differently. Stats show most men want boys, and are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.

MRSMTO · 07/12/2023 20:02

YoongiMarryMe · 07/12/2023 17:40

I think talking about grieving the loss is repulsive. There’s women posting about the actual death of their babies and people are talking about grieving because they’re having a healthy boy and it’s not a girl. I know it’s not on me to police anyone's language but maybe not be so self-indulgent and not wallowing in self-pity would help you move on.

I’ve lost babies at 14 and 36 weeks so I’m not the most forgiving of threads like this.

Edited

Yes, the ridiculousness of using the words 'grieving', 'grief' and 'loss' are so spectacularly pathetic it makes my teeth itch. Some people genuinely don't know they're born or how lucky they are.

Torganer · 07/12/2023 20:12

I think it would help you if you listed what experiences you think you are going to miss out on.

CornishGem1975 · 07/12/2023 20:23

I also think it's repulsive that people come on a thread like this and make out you should feel nothing but grateful just because someone else somewhere has lost a baby.

I lost a baby and still had strong feelings about gender.

One person's pain and disappointment does not negate somebody else's. Everyone is entitled to their feelings.

YoongiMarryMe · 07/12/2023 20:29

You should be grateful to be having a baby.

Everyone is entitled to their feelings but sometimes it’s not helpful to wallow in them.

CornishGem1975 · 07/12/2023 20:32

That could said for anything though, 95% of the threads on MN are people wallowing in their feelings.

YoongiMarryMe · 07/12/2023 20:36

Yeah, but this time there’s a tiny baby that the disappointment.

And there’s a thousand threads from adults who have posted about not being the sex their parent wanted. Let’s not pretend it’s not damaging.

Feel your feeling then get the fuck over them for your baby’s sake.

CornishGem1975 · 07/12/2023 20:41

My mum was disappointed to was a girl, she told me on a few occasions that she was disappointed when I was born, she had only picked boys names etc It hasn't traumatised me.

YoongiMarryMe · 07/12/2023 20:45

Oh well, you’re fine so fuck anyone else.

Original poster
Mottledgrey · 07/12/2023 20:47

Guys thank you I have well and truly had my reality check now! And for those of you that have been harsh that is exactly what I asked for and you are all right.

yes I was hoping for a girl but I’m not going to be disappointed when this baby is born and he will be loved just as much as his brother.

OP posts:
Nonono11 · 07/12/2023 20:48

I’m expecting my 4th and have found out it’s a boy, I already have 2 boys and 1 girl but was so desperate and had convinced myself it was a girl. I feel really guilty for feeling this way, I don’t want to share it with others. My mum is one of those people that clearly favours girls and makes it very obvious.

WelshFionaThePlasticSurgeryGorgon · 07/12/2023 20:49

It's probably because you have decided it is your last child. I'm sure you will feel better soon and it was just an " in the moment" thing.

misstiger78 · 07/12/2023 20:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

crew2022 · 07/12/2023 21:10

I felt like this about my third, and I already had one of each. But once the baby arrived all was fine.

Catsdonotanswerback · 07/12/2023 21:10

Many years ago pregnant with my third DC. I had a very strong wish for a DD after having 2 DS.
I had a fear of gender disappointment.
Sadly at my 20 scan it was discovered my baby had a condition incompatible with life
I very sadly had a termination for medical reasons.
Years later I was fortunate to become pregnant again.
Each scan was a very anxious time.
The baby’s sex never crossed my mind. I prayed my baby was healthy.
My dearest DC was born safely.
Please take pleasure from having a healthy DC. They are all a precious gift.

Annahh · 07/12/2023 21:34

Kittylala · 07/12/2023 13:59

I know im going to be gutted if I'm having a boy because the father has aspbergers - I've only just found out. I just know he's going to be a terrible role model.

Would this be likely to be passed on to a boy and not a girl?

Genuinely interested.

gamerchick · 07/12/2023 21:36

Those feelings will go when he's here.

What's with all the disappointment in expecting boys on here all of a sudden?

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 07/12/2023 21:38

You'll get no judgement from me for feeling this way. All I'll say is that my kids are the same sex and what's blown me away from day one is that they might be the same sex but they're not the same... at all. And that's not because of their sex or anything but just because they're individuals regardless of their sex, gender ID or whatever. You don't know what you're going to get but it'll be brilliant ... it just all seems so black and white right now because it's been boiled down to something so arbitrary. Your new son will be himself and who knows what that'll be... but it'll be great finding out once he's here!

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 07/12/2023 21:47

@Annahh I think there's some scientific basis for ASD appearing more commonly in males and being passed down the male line.

gooddayruby · 07/12/2023 22:18

Daisies12 · 07/12/2023 11:40

It’s sex. Your child can chose to express their gender however they chose. And honestly be grateful for a healthy baby. A lot more more than some of us get.

Hmmmm

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2023 22:36

gamerchick · 07/12/2023 21:36

Those feelings will go when he's here.

What's with all the disappointment in expecting boys on here all of a sudden?

All of a sudden? Whilst the odd "would you prefer 1 girl and a boy or two girls?" post will marshall the Mother's Of Boys in defense, "gender" disappointment threads are always about boys.
Ooh how will I relate to one, what will we do together, etc. he'll be no fun. His clothes will be boring. He'll abandon me for a wife. Etc etc