Gender disappointment - please tear into me

[Mottledgrey]

As the title says really. Yesterday we found out that our second and last child is another DS. I don’t think I realised how much I wanted him to be a girl until they told me in the scan room and I immediately started crying. It was a private scan and it was meant to be such a lovely experience but I was just desperate to leave. I feel so guilty about how I feel that I can’t even look at any of the scan photos.

I don’t think it helps that DH and my parents were also hoping for a girl so I feel like I’ve failed them which is just ridiculous!

Basically I need you all to tell me what a terrible person I am for feeling like this because I can’t talk about it in real life!

I think it'll be fab they'll be two brothers, they'll do all sorts of brotherly stuff together their whole lives.

I've got a ds on the way and a 3yo dd and everyone congratulates me for having "one of each" when they ask what I'm having but I feel that same sex siblings get on better. That's probably just a silly stereotype.

Dh has a brother and a sister and when they were younger, he used to go and play snooker with his brother of an evening, or go out for a pint etc. I feel like it's great to have a brother if you're a man. I'll be sticking at two though

Sorry you’re feeling this way OP, you’re really not a terrible person. I felt the same, and I still do in a way - not that I wish DS2 was a girl because I wouldn’t trade him for all the girls in the world, but that I have two boys, no girls, and will never be a “girl’s mum”. My boys are loud, fight and we do seem a chaotic family compared with ones with mixed sex children and especially compared with families with all daughters.

However it really hasn’t changed my infinite love for my DS2, he’s just the best (even when he is the worst!) and even though I feel this way, I wouldn’t swap either of my boys for a DD.

I felt the same when I was told my second, and final baby was going to be another boy.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want a boy, it was just that I knew it meant that I was never going to experience what it was like to have a daughter.

I felt tearful when I was told during the scan but I plastered a smile on my face so nobody thought I was an awful person.

Over the next few days I let the news digest and I reflected on why having a girl was so important to me and I concluded that it was actually for quite selfish reasons … it was all about me wanting to have a daughter, that was it. I don’t even know why I so badly wanted a daughter, it was probably something really pathetic like I just wanted to see what she would look like and whether she’d look like me and have the same personality as me.

I then started thinking about my own childhood as I have a sister and she is my best friend, she has always been my best friend from when we were little girls together. I won’t go into depth about how special my relationship is with her but I 100% believe that a huge part of why our relationship is so amazing is because we are the same sex.

So then I started thinking about the wonderful boy I already had and what having another boy would mean to him. I started to think about what I wanted for him instead of what I wanted for myself.

I imagined what his childhood would be like growing up with a brother, and the potential life-long relationship he could have with a brother in the same way I have with my sister.

And that’s when the excitement really started to kick him because I felt such happy anticipation for the potentially amazing sibling relationship he may have with his brother.

And oh my god, my boys absolutely ADORE each other. They are 9 and 7 and they simply can’t be separated. They always tell each other that they love each other, they kiss each other at bedtime and when they part ways at the school gate. They are always telling me (and each other) that they are each others best friend and they never stop laughing together.

When they were younger and I watched their relationship get stronger and stronger I felt like I would burst with love - I was so, so happy seeing their relationship play out just like mine and my sisters had.

And like with me and my sister, I believe the reason my sons have such a special relationship is because they are the same sex……they like the same activities, they do the same hobbies, they go out together to the same places etc and it just makes them exceptionally close.

Although I was disappointed at first I am now so, so, glad that I had a boy. I may have missed out on the experience of having a daughter, but in its place my two sons get to experience life as being brothers and that more than makes up for it.

I absolutely adore my boys and I always say that if I ever got pregnant again then I’d definitely want a third boy.

My friend has 4 boys and they are all so close and they are like little clones of each other - it’s adorable and I am slightly jealous 😂

My second son was born via emergency c-section because his heart rate had dropped dangerously low and I genuinely thought I wasn’t going to have a live baby at the end of it, and in that moment of absolute fear for my baby’s life I realised how little a baby’s sex matters in the grand scheme of things. I was so scared for him that I wouldn’t have even cared if he came out with two heads and a tail as long as he was alive.

Don’t feel guilty for having this reaction, you’re only human after all, but it will not last and you will love your new baby so much. You will find your positives x

My personal view is that know the gender in advance has not helped us at all really. (not saying you shouldn't know, just that this is an unexpected side effect)

When you give birth and meet your baby, the gender seems so much less important. There they are a PERSON and they happen to be boy or girl.

of course it is OK to grieve the fact that you will not now have a girl.
But when the baby actually arrives, I think you will find that it seems so much less important.

I was in your position, and now I get SO much joy from watching my two boys play together. The feeling will pass especially when you get your new baby in your arms and snuggle him. Congratulations! X

Exactly!

Baby boys are the absolute best.
I understand your disappointment and your feelings are valid.

Your baby is gorgeous tho. Be patient with yourself OP.
Well done for posting, it is good to get feelings like his out of your head and into words. x

I blame social media. When I was little there wasn’t the optics around baby girls that there are now - so many frilly pink clothes, #thegirls, cutesy names, pink flowery gender reveals. All the photos of me and my sisters are of us running around in primary coloured dungarees with short hair cuts.

I was chatting with DP last night and out of all our friends the happiest family is one with 2 boys. But the parents are truly lovely and have brought their sons up very well. We really enjoy going round their house because it’s such a happy, jokey atmosphere.

Boys are brilliant. That is all.

I get it. My sooo disappointed my last was a boy. You still live them though, now he's mine and he will get the best from me.

Also gender is a social construct. Your child can express that how they like as they grow. You are disappointed about the sex

I have such an amazing relationship with my adult son.
You'll be fine.

I honestly don’t think people should find out the gender of a baby if they really want a girl or boy. The reason I say this is because I had five boys, all grown up now. With every birth I wanted a girl, but because I didn’t find out the sex until birth I saw a baby who I fell in love with, and it makes all the difference. They’re all amazing. I wouldn’t have wanted to have a girl if I had to give up any of my boys, put it that way. And now I have two granddaughters and another grandbaby on the way. It would be nice if it was a boy but honestly, each child is an individual regardless of gender. So I will love this child as much as the two I have and it will be wonderful.

I can completely understand this @Mottledgrey , and I didn’t find out the sex of my second child until I had her (she was a girl as it turned out) because I was worried about feeling as you do. I can also relate to the bizarre feeling of letting others down, it might be silly but it’s valid.

I think the poster who said it’s about grief for the daughter you don’t have is right. I know this because I have a girl and a boy and if I had a third I genuinely wouldn’t care at all.

I think when you meet your baby you’ll be fine

It’s completely understandable. I was floored when I was told I was having a boy. I had dreams of sisters being close and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to bring up a boy. I asked the gender at the scan so I didn’t look visibly disappointed with the baby 🤣.

you’ll be madly in love when your boy is born - i promise. It’s alright to let yourself grieve at the loss of a family idea you had in your mind.

Your feelings are understandable and completely normal. As others have said, allow yourself time to let the feelings pass, and then focus on your new boy.

Do not let anyone make you feel bad for feeling dissapointed.

Maybe get your DH to tell everyone before you see them face to face x

Why are these threads almost universally about being disappointed to be having a son? I don't recall ever seeing one about disappointment in having a daughter.

Probably because they are posted by women. The majority of women I have ever met would like to have a daughter. I'm sure some men are disappointed by the idea they may never have a son. These are both normal and acceptable reactions.

For what it's worth, even if it were possible for anyone to have 'failed' at something in this situation, it's the father's sperm that determines the sex of the baby. So out of all those millions of sperm, it just happened to be a Y chromosome that won out. Absolutely nothing to do with you or your egg, and nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome.

I really don't judge you as I could imagine, in another universe, how I might have been in a similar position as I'd always imagined I'd have a little girl.

But I've heard the words "I'm sorry there's no heartbeat" twice, then when we did get a heartbeat we had to TFMR our little boy due to problems identified in the second trimester. Due to my age I'm not sure we'll have another chance and I'd do anything in this world to have that little boy back healthy.

Please don't beat yourself up about how you feel - your feelings are valid - but try to hold on to the fact you have a healthy baby. Your two boys will probably love growing up together.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy.

I totally disagree with this. I found out the sex of my second child whom I had (for some reason) decided in my head was going to be a boy. She was a girl. I was very shocked. Having found out gave me the chance to come to terms with a different family set up to the one my sub-conscious had imagined.

Hopefully the OP will be able to grieve and move on quickly and by the time her second son is here she will be beyond thrilled and excited to have a second son.

I am not going to beat you up. You cannot help how you feel. Yes you are lucky to be pregnant but again you cannot help your feelings.

Sit with them. Let the tears come and grieve for the life you had imagined. Then set that aside and focus on the now and the future.

Them feelings are normal. I felt exact the same when they told me my second was boy. I wanted a girl, everyone thought I was having girl and it just knocked me a bit when they said boy! (My first is boy). I felt terrible that I just wanted to go home straight away and cry. I felt emotional all day but I got up the next morning and felt even more emotional that I felt gutted it was a boy and couldn't believe I felt that way! I was just happy our baby was healthy and growing nicely. Fast forward to now we have a gorgeous, hilarious, cuddly, amazing 1 year old and I'm so glad he was a boy!
Don't be so hard on yourself. Let yourself feel terrible today. Tomorrow is another day and I'm sure you'll feel loads better tomorrow ❤️

Your DH has let himself down, male sperm is responsible for the sex of a child so why do you think you are to blame?
I'd have adored two sons. I have one son and the second one died. I'd do anything to have him back again.
My sons were the loves of my life. They were adorable, sweet and perfect. The one I have left still is. He is 40 now and we are very close and speak almost everyday.

Because it’s a forum for women.

And generally women like the idea of having a daughter.

If you went to a men’s forum I’m pretty sure there’d be posts there about them being disappointed about having daughters because they wanted a son.

You’re not a terrible person imo but it is so SO sad to me that you’re disappointed to be having a boy when you already have one. A baby is such a blessing, and their wonderful little character will bring so much joy, regardless of whether people buy you a pink or a blue card to celebrate!
It’s such a cliche but so many would give anything to be expecting a baby, try to see past your preconceived ideas and see this for the absolute joy it is.
I have a toddler son and he is the brightest, happiest, funniest little guy in the world (altho I’m sure you’d say your son is! Rightly so!) and DH and I have been trying for two years for our second. I think if I were pushed to choose boy or girl, I’d say boy, but frankly I don’t care, I’m just desperate to see that BFP and healthy scans!