Gender disappointment - please tear into me

[Mottledgrey]

As the title says really. Yesterday we found out that our second and last child is another DS. I don’t think I realised how much I wanted him to be a girl until they told me in the scan room and I immediately started crying. It was a private scan and it was meant to be such a lovely experience but I was just desperate to leave. I feel so guilty about how I feel that I can’t even look at any of the scan photos.

I don’t think it helps that DH and my parents were also hoping for a girl so I feel like I’ve failed them which is just ridiculous!

Basically I need you all to tell me what a terrible person I am for feeling like this because I can’t talk about it in real life!

I understand your feelings. I have two wonderful boys, but my husband would love to have a daughter, and I would too.

I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant with baby 3, and facing some very scary possibilities after multiple scans. Although we hoped for a girl, now I am just praying that our baby is okay and grows healthily. We may have to TFMR, but this baby is very much loved and wanted so it's absolutely heartbreaking facing this. The sex of the baby is no longer on my mind, I just want them to be OK.

I have 3 boys and they're wonderful. I think a little part of me always hoped to experience having a girl but once they're here you would never wish things were any different. I have 3 brothers and always longed for a sister, I think it's nicer for them to have a sibling of the same sex, they'll probably have more in common. My brothers are all so close, as are my boys.

I'd also have a think about what it actually is that you think you'd be missing out on by not having a girl, you'll probably realise that it's nothing that would be guaranteed anyway.

I don't think you're a terrible person by the way!

I think it's over-privileged and pathetic actually, I really do. I know many people won't like that, but when you try for a baby, you obviously know the chances are roughly equal for either sex to be conceived. This is life. You'll love and adore your own baby. Wittering on about 'gender disappointment' is ridiculous. If you're mature enough to decide to get pregnant, you should be mature enough to accept whatever baby you're lucky enough to hold in your arms. This is partly why I disagree with finding out the sex beforehand.

I agree with this, it's been really good for me both times to find out at 20w instead of at the birth.

With my first I had this instinct throughout the first few months of pregnancy, that I was carrying a boy. I had dreams about having a boy and if I saw a little toddler boy I'd think suddenly, maybe my son will be like that. We discussed boys' names. Then I found out dd was a girl at 20w and it took me a good few weeks to get my head round it, but by the time she was born I'd convinced myself that she was exactly what I've always wanted (she is! The light of our lives).

Then in the early months of this pregnancy I convinced myself I was having another girl, kept seeing sister-pairs everywhere and imagining dd1 playing with a dd2. Like in Frozen. Anyway. Dc2 is going to be a boy (I'm having him next week), and I'm sure he'll be wonderful. We told dd she's going to have a baby brother, ever since I found out, so we've all had months to get used to the idea and her baby dollies are all male now.

I'm a big believer in having a lot of emotional preparation time before a big change!

Ps it also goes to show, in my case at least, mother's instinct is seriously unreliable when guessing baby's sex lol

@SheIsStuck23 Your post made me go all gooey 🥲 I do agree about there often being a stronger bond when the children are the same sex and perhaps especially brothers

I had gender disappointment. In my own experience it never went away and I probably shouldn’t have had ANY kids for this reason. I have two boys and a girl and have never loved my sons like I do my daughter and now I realise I was only getting pregnant hoping to have daughters. Yes I’m an awful person, I know. They’re all adults now and I still feel regretful that I’ve got sons, sometimes that I’ve got kids at all because I know how wrong it was to have got pregnant genuinely not wanting one of a 50/50 outcome. I did have all three by the time I was 20 so was very young and wasn’t fully conscious of my motives and how I truly felt. But it’s done now and all I can do is live with the guilt and regret and try my best to treat them all equally on the outside. I had awful postnatal
depression with both my sons to the point of feeling suicidal and the second one I just never bonded with at all I didn’t even attempt to if I’m totally honest, the first one I tried but I felt like he was something alien to me like he wasn’t mine and totally belonged to his father?? Having my daughter was a totally different experience almost like a euphoria for the first 3 months of her life , I was living in a blissful bubble. Like the opposite of postnatal depression. Postnatal euphoria? I wonder if I’ve got serious (and obscure) issues actually or if anyone else has had this or a similar experience.

I think two boys together is great. Not many boy/girl siblings get on all the time (me included) so this might be even better for your existing son. As soon as he is born he will be fab and unique and it won’t matter

Hi all,

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you that have responded I have read every single one. You are all too kind and I really don’t deserve it but I appreciate it so much. So many of your comments have resonated with me and that is exactly what I needed.

For those saying it’s always about boys this really isn’t about boys as I know just how amazing they are. My DS is literally the best and cleverest little person. He’s just turned 2 and I know that him and his little brother are going to grow up so closely which will be lovely.

I think I’m grieving the way I had planned everything in my head and the experiences I will potentially miss out on. I am also struggling with the disappointment and negative reactions I will receive. There are always negative reactions about 2+ boys, why has society done that? I actually hate that my baby boy will be on the receiving end of it.

For those that have had losses and bad news at scans I am really sorry - I know threads like these are a really punch in the heart.

There are always negative reactions about 2+ boys, why has society done that? I actually hate that my baby boy will be on the receiving end of it.

But you’re the one having a negative reaction. You’re the one putting your baby on the receiving end of it.

I have never, ever known of society having a negative view of someone having two boys. Why on earth would society care?

The only people who put negativity on the fact there will be two boys, are the families the boys are being born in to.

Let go of the imaginary family you thought you were going to have and instead you need to try and rejoice in the one you actually do have.

No, you are definitely not. Hands off he's mine! I can add him to my boy collection. I have multiple sons and would have another in a heartbeat!

I agree, I'd never find out. AND ITS SEX. Gender is a social construct. So basic.

I honestly don't get why some woman are so het up on the sex of a child

I was just so forever grateful I finally got preg

It's a baby. Wonderful news

I didn't care if boy or girl

Weirdly enough we thought our baby was a boy and had the name Harry and turned out was a girl. We didn't name dd Harriett

Be thankful and Grateful that you have a son and will be having another

💐 @Megifer

I think talking about grieving the loss is repulsive. There’s women posting about the actual death of their babies and people are talking about grieving because they’re having a healthy boy and it’s not a girl. I know it’s not on me to police anyone's language but maybe not be so self-indulgent and not wallowing in self-pity would help you move on.

I’ve lost babies at 14 and 36 weeks so I’m not the most forgiving of threads like this.

You've not failed anyone
Boys are wonderful, I have 3

IME unpacking exactly what you're upset about can help a lot. If you're subconsciously equating a boy with a colicky baby, or a girl with insta-perfect photos, or brothers with sibling rivalry, once you've identified that you can see that it's illogical and move on.

Gender disappointment is ok, but Im sure you will soon get over it!
Once youve had a bit of time, im sure the idea of a boy will sound amazing as well!

And you havent failed anyone... you cant... You are not responsible for what sex your child is! You only provide an X chromossome! Id blame your DH! 😂(this is lighthearted, please dont take it seriously! no one is to blame and no one has failed anyone or anything! )

Why is gender disappointment always about having a boy? Why is no one ever disappointed about having a girl?

I think if gender disappointment happens then men are more often disappointed at having girls and women at boys and this is a site populated by predominantly women. Statistically men are more likely to leave the family unit if the offspring are all female too…

In the country I come from - the gender disappointment around girls has created so many foeticides of female foetuses and girls are quite such a burden, that despite the government making prenatal sex determination illegal - sex selective foeticide is rampant, as are honour killings, dowry deaths and myriad such.

I’ve made my life in the UK and I watch these threads with amazement. Growing up back home I was forever grateful I was born a girl child in the right family. And then as an adult I see these threads and the peculiarity of the contrast is breathtaking.

all this to say - rest assured girls are on the receiving end of this across the vast majority of many countries and there the disappointment doesn’t just become a thread on a forum…

See my post above.

As soon as I saw the title I thought let me guess... she's having a boy... 🙄 oh get a grip!

There are couples who can’t even have children and would give anything for just one, boy or girl.

For those saying it’s always about boys
We were conditioned to think that a perfect family is DH, DW, DS and DD.
In many cultures, a DS is more valued than a DD.

If you have 'two of the same' you will be asked if you were disappointed that DC2 wasn't a girl/boy. If you have '3 of the same', you will be asked the same of DC3.

If you have no children you will be told you are selfish.

People are twats.