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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

pregnant living with abusive cr*ckhead brother

154 replies

Alone123 · 29/07/2023 01:07

I’m 22 living with my parents and older brother, 25. Currently saving to move out but money is tight and I’m due to give birth in January. I drive, work full time and with a child on the way, my anxiety is getting worse. My brother doesn’t do any of those things.
He is an addict, has been deteriorating for years but only the past year he’s been on the hard stuff, smoking it. He has been kicked out and arrested, carried out by police multiple times but always managed to manipulate his way back in, most recently he came back in December looking awful, drugged up and malnourished. He played the perfect son for two weeks before he went back to his same shit.

He has drug induced seizures which affect the whole household as we are always on edge. He refuses to go with the paramedics or attend any kind of help (doctors etc.) he has a 6 year old
he pretends is his priority but has met him once. He makes his money by smashing up houses, collecting other peoples drug debts for them. Which makes me sick considering we’ve had this happen to our home before due to repercussions of his involvement in that pathetic lifestyle.

Just today he seizures, waking my 60 year old parents up in a complete panic at 7am and I had to enter a crack smoke filled room to pass the phone to my mum as I called 999 (pregnant!). Everyone knows he needs help, he does too, he just doesn’t want it. I know it’s selfish but I just have constant anxiety about the health of my baby and my parents who are on edge constantly.

When he was kicked out I got a job working from home, but of course my anxiety and stress worsened when he came back to live with us. He is loud selfish and demanding and can’t do anything for himself. On a day without drugs he’d bang on my office door during work to ‘be funny’ and demand to have breakfast made for him. He would talk about his criminal activity loudly while on the phone and pace around the hall just the other side of the door from where I am working. I lost my job.

He owes me money from when he took advantage and manipulated me to give him hundreds when I was drunk one weekend (before I was pregnant obviously) and still asks for money every day despite me giving him a hard NO every single time. It’s usually for weed, gambling etc.

He’s quite clearly brain damaged from all the seizures but the again he’s never really been a particularly nice person anyway. My parents seem to think he’s just buying his time as he’s also got warrants for his arrest but I hate the way he’s so rude to them. I can handle myself but they are push overs.

I had occupational therapy a couple years ago when he was really affecting my mental health and this was before the crack. I am finding it really hard to cope despite being a resilient person and so I am at the point where my blood is boiling when he opens his mouth and I really don’t want to lose it. None of this is good for my unborn child, who I fear for every single day.

Please help, and be brutal! X

OP posts:
Polik · 29/07/2023 01:15

Your unborn child is at risk if harm. I'd suggest SERIOUS harm.

Tell your midwife.

You likely need a social worker. You need a place to raise your baby away from your brother.

DungballInADress · 29/07/2023 01:16

I am sorry to say this but your parents aren't going to make him leave or they would have done it by now. You have to make the right choice not just for you but for your baby and get out long before this baby comes.

Go to your council. You're pregnant, vulnerable, your current housing situation is unsafe. See if there is anything they can do to help. if they can't could Refuge help? Can you ask the police to consider a Section 28 if he is a danger to himself or others?

You need to be out of there.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 29/07/2023 01:20

You sound quite immature. You drive and work full time and compare this with your brother. You mention how he affects your parents, you etc. To be fair unless you own the house your parents live in there is nothing you can do about it. Fair enough yes, he allegedly has all of these issues, but if you don't want to live with him then it is for you to sort it out by moving. You chose to have a baby when there was a possibility you'd be living there? Can you not move in with the child's father if you can't afford to live alone? Or ask him for financial help so you can?

Brightandshining · 29/07/2023 01:28

Tell your midwife. You need to get out of there. Get on a council waiting list. You will be near the top as a single pregnant woman. You absolutely can not stay there with a baby. But as its your parents house there us nothing you can do to make your brother leave and they may seem push overs but he is also their child. Basically you need to put plans in action to get out of there now.. it is possible but you will have to sort it our. Your midwife will probably be able to help you with services in your area and housing options.

Alone123 · 29/07/2023 01:33

Thanks for your opinion. I thought it would seem like I’m comparing but it’s hard not to when his lifestyle clashes or is the complete opposite to mine. I respect everyone makes their own choices but there’s no excuse for being a complete manipulative c*nt to your entire family before and during his addiction (which I know is an illness).

I have started saving for a mortgage but it would be a while before I can afford a deposit and it would be a shame to have to change plans just because of him which is why I’m seeking advice. I take responsibility for my own choices particularly with choosing to keep the baby while in this situation and I’m aware I may have to go to the council etc. but I’m currently exploring my options.

OP posts:
jolaylasofia · 29/07/2023 01:33

you need to get out before social services become involved if they have not been informed already. Why on Earth did you get pregnant in this situation? I understand accidents happen but where is the father??? You need a safe space for a child and this is not one.

Alone123 · 29/07/2023 01:40

@jolaylasofia

That has been a worry and I will get out one way or another. Honestly it wasn’t exactly planned but I always wanted to be a mother. I don’t see why I should avoid having a child due to my brothers choices. My parents reassured me things will be ok and that it will change before the baby arrives so I don’t have to worry. But so far nothing. The father is in a different area, we have a good friendship but I don’t want to be with him. He is going to support the child and he’s a good person. I expect nothing more from him at this point.

OP posts:
Alone123 · 29/07/2023 01:46

@ThickSkinnedSoWhat Thanks for your opinion. I thought it would seem like I’m comparing but it’s hard not to when his lifestyle clashes or is the complete opposite to mine. I respect everyone makes their own choices but there’s no excuse for being a complete manipulative c*nt to your entire family before and during his addiction (which I know is an illness).

I have started saving for a mortgage but it would be a while before I can afford a deposit and it would be a shame to have to change plans just because of him which is why I’m seeking advice. I take responsibility for my own choices particularly with choosing to keep the baby while in this situation and I’m aware I may have to go to the council etc. but I’m currently exploring my options with the help of people on here.

I have a good friendship with the child’s father but I have chosen to stay single. He is going to co-parent when the child is here but he does live in a different city.

OP posts:
truthhurts23 · 29/07/2023 01:58

what area do you live in ?
do you have anywhere else that you can stay for a few weeks? a friend or family member ? even a cheap hotel would be better than your current situation

you are priority for housing because you're pregnant
so tell the council you are homeless and pregnant ,
you can ask your parents to write a letter saying that you cant live in their home
and get a letter confirming your pregnancy by your GP

you will be put in to emergency accommodation quite quickly, until they find you somewhere to live and then you can have your own place before your baby gets here

WandaWonder · 29/07/2023 01:58

You knew all this when you got pregnant, that was your choice wouldn't it have been better to move out then get pregnant

Moving12 · 29/07/2023 02:01

I don’t see why I should avoid having a child due to my brothers choices.

This isn’t about your brother, it’s about you. You knew the deal at home when you got pregnant and decided to keep the baby, that’s entirely on you.

You need to grow up, move out and stand on your own two feet. If you’re incapable of supporting yourself independently of your parents, then you shouldn’t be having a baby.

bernieaa · 29/07/2023 02:06

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bernieaa · 29/07/2023 02:10

Your parents need to kick him out. Nothing you will say or do with make any difference to an addict.

They need to cut the cord to keep themselves and you safe.

You need to contact your midwife asap - how many weeks?

You need to move out asap. I think you would need a letter from your parents telling you to move out by x date because they don't see a child homeless if living at home.

Have you spoken to your parents?

bernieaa · 29/07/2023 02:12

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mikikki · 29/07/2023 02:12

You need to move out asap, you say you work so get whatever you can for the time being. Forget saving for a mortgage you and your baby need to be in a safe environment. I am saying this in a none judgemental way but it is now your duty as a mother to protect your baby. Even informing your midwife of your situation may be a good idea, they are there to help and support you. if anything was to happen you would never be able to forgive yourself. I am so sorry you are going though this, and please try not to feel guilty, nobody can pass judgement unless they are in your situation.

mikikki · 29/07/2023 02:15

You absolutely can not have a child in that environment whatsoever. Move out or social services will interfere basically that is the harsh reality of it x

toomuchlaundry · 29/07/2023 02:16

You are 22, plenty of time to be a mother, why bring a child in to this environment?

Alone123 · 29/07/2023 02:17

@Moving12 If you read my other replies, you’d see I’ve been saving for a mortgage. I am privileged in the sense that my parents have supported me for 22 years but I do pay my way in this household and have done since I was 18. I have a great relationship with them. I couldn’t afford to rent on my own living down south it is far too expensive and that’s why I didn’t get pregnant until I secured a better job. But it’s still too costly despite me being very financially responsible.

I am fully aware I need to stand on my own two feet and the other comments have given me some great advice for the first steps needed to do so. I wouldn’t be posting and asking for advice otherwise. But you’re right it is about me and my baby. However, it’s also about my parents. We do so much for each other, my mum is disabled and my dad suffers mental health issues - both are suffering his behaviour and don’t know what to do. I understand my baby is the main priority here and things aren’t going to be perfect, that’s life. I’m just exploring my options.

OP posts:
Alone123 · 29/07/2023 02:18

@mikikki Thank you

OP posts:
jolaylasofia · 29/07/2023 02:23

@bernieaa i don't promote killing babies hunny but i do stand by every woman's right to terminate an embryo/ fetus IF once born the baby is not going to have an adequate standard of living, will be at significant risk and/or harmed in anyway.

LordSalem · 29/07/2023 02:34

You really do need to get out of there before social services become involved. Then it'll be taken out of your hands. Do not risk your baby for the sake of this idiot.
Why aren't your parents throwing him out? He clearly damaging far more than himself. I bet they'd like to be normal grandparents with easy access to you and your baby. If they let him stay there will be none of that.

Bunny44 · 29/07/2023 02:37

Alone123 · 29/07/2023 01:40

@jolaylasofia

That has been a worry and I will get out one way or another. Honestly it wasn’t exactly planned but I always wanted to be a mother. I don’t see why I should avoid having a child due to my brothers choices. My parents reassured me things will be ok and that it will change before the baby arrives so I don’t have to worry. But so far nothing. The father is in a different area, we have a good friendship but I don’t want to be with him. He is going to support the child and he’s a good person. I expect nothing more from him at this point.

I don't think you should have to justify that you're having a baby OP. People on MN are so ready to jump on single mums in non-ideal situations and blame them but that wasn't the point of your post - you're doing nothing wrong and trying your best so ignore their comments is my advice!

It sounds a really awful situation you're in and although your parents are obviously very caring and probably very worried about your brother they are actually enabling him, and they do also need to consider you and their grandchild if they want to support you too.

I would potentially still approach citizens advice about getting help to get your own place urgently. You don't necessarily have to go into detail with them but you can say you don't feel safe there.

LordSalem · 29/07/2023 02:38

Jesus are PPs actually suggesting that OP aborts due to her age? Have you given more than a couple of seconds thought about how she feels?! I gave birth at 22 in not the best circumstances but I made sure it all worked out for me & DD together. She's now 11 going to Grammar school and I did it all on my own. Vile thing to suggest abortion like that.

Alone123 · 29/07/2023 02:43

@LordSalem Thank you! And good for you… this gives me hope. You should be so proud of yourself x

OP posts:
Alone123 · 29/07/2023 02:46

@LordSalem Thankfully, literally 5 minutes ago, my mum came into my room saying she does not want me to leave, she wants to support me and will do her very best to get him out the house within the next few days. I trust her. And she’s going to speak with my dad tomorrow. Otherwise, I need to just leave. They know they are enabling him and that’s the last thing they want x

OP posts: