pregnant living with abusive cr*ckhead brother

[Alone123]

I’m 22 living with my parents and older brother, 25. Currently saving to move out but money is tight and I’m due to give birth in January. I drive, work full time and with a child on the way, my anxiety is getting worse. My brother doesn’t do any of those things.
He is an addict, has been deteriorating for years but only the past year he’s been on the hard stuff, smoking it. He has been kicked out and arrested, carried out by police multiple times but always managed to manipulate his way back in, most recently he came back in December looking awful, drugged up and malnourished. He played the perfect son for two weeks before he went back to his same shit.

He has drug induced seizures which affect the whole household as we are always on edge. He refuses to go with the paramedics or attend any kind of help (doctors etc.) he has a 6 year old
he pretends is his priority but has met him once. He makes his money by smashing up houses, collecting other peoples drug debts for them. Which makes me sick considering we’ve had this happen to our home before due to repercussions of his involvement in that pathetic lifestyle.

Just today he seizures, waking my 60 year old parents up in a complete panic at 7am and I had to enter a crack smoke filled room to pass the phone to my mum as I called 999 (pregnant!). Everyone knows he needs help, he does too, he just doesn’t want it. I know it’s selfish but I just have constant anxiety about the health of my baby and my parents who are on edge constantly.

When he was kicked out I got a job working from home, but of course my anxiety and stress worsened when he came back to live with us. He is loud selfish and demanding and can’t do anything for himself. On a day without drugs he’d bang on my office door during work to ‘be funny’ and demand to have breakfast made for him. He would talk about his criminal activity loudly while on the phone and pace around the hall just the other side of the door from where I am working. I lost my job.

He owes me money from when he took advantage and manipulated me to give him hundreds when I was drunk one weekend (before I was pregnant obviously) and still asks for money every day despite me giving him a hard NO every single time. It’s usually for weed, gambling etc.

He’s quite clearly brain damaged from all the seizures but the again he’s never really been a particularly nice person anyway. My parents seem to think he’s just buying his time as he’s also got warrants for his arrest but I hate the way he’s so rude to them. I can handle myself but they are push overs.

I had occupational therapy a couple years ago when he was really affecting my mental health and this was before the crack. I am finding it really hard to cope despite being a resilient person and so I am at the point where my blood is boiling when he opens his mouth and I really don’t want to lose it. None of this is good for my unborn child, who I fear for every single day.

Please help, and be brutal! X

Hi OP
From a place of kindness, it a big ask for your parents to kick out their child with addiction.
Your priority shouldn’t be buying a house but secure a safe place for you and your child to live.
Everyone is responsible for their own choices. And life doesn’t always go according to plan. You need to change your plan and focus on securing the correct accommodation

absolutely not because of her age. I've known younger ladies be fantastic parents- nothing to do with age.

Circumstances absolutely. Actually it would've been more sensible to have planned the pregnancy when she was safe rather than resort to termination but there's no way i would take a baby into that house.

@jolaylasofia I do not wish to abort. I made a mistake when I was younger and stayed on contraception until I felt mature enough to be a mother and decided if it happens, it happens. And I’ll do whatever it takes to make it work. Even if it means seeking advice on mumsnet first lol.

@Bunny44 @bernieaa Thank you both

So you deliberately came off contraception and had unprotected sex with someone who you aren't in a relationship with because you "want to be a mother", while living in a house with a crackhead?

There's more to being a mother than giving birth. It's about providing a stable and loving home for a child and putting their needs first, and it doesn't sound like you have given any thought to that deliberately conceiving a child in this situation.

Really really hope this works out for you. It's hard enough without any extra added complications. I wish you the best of luck. Trust in that maternal instinct, if it doesn't feel right the only one can make it better is you. Sending you a huge unmumsnetty hug and a fuckton of strength.

@PassTheSnacks Im aware of that thank you and yes that’s exactly what I did. With someone who will be a fantastic co-parent. I could’ve had a sperm donator but I went with the cheaper option.

And, no shit, if I didn’t know that then I wouldn’t be on here seeking advice for measures I could take to make the living environment a safe one. And I will do whatever it takes. I’m concerned about my vulnerable parents falling victim to his behaviour at this point.

Thanks for your comments.

Honestly you both sound irresponsible. He obviously has issues, but you also got deliberately pregnant at 22 while living at home and not in a relationship. Being a mom is about the baby, not you. Why would you want a baby in these circumstances? I understand mistakes happen, but this wasn't an accident.

Hi @Alone123 just read your post. You and your parents are going through alot, it's not nice at all that your brother is putting you all through this. Please try not to worry, i know it's hard. It will be difficult for your brother to have a newborn in the house. My guess would be he will leave as he may find it unbearable, newborns really do take over the home. Look after yourself and take each day as it comes, you're doing your best xx

You must, and I really do mean must, get out of that house. As other posters have said forget about your mortgage savings. Use them to put a deposit on a rental property OR tell your midwife so you can get support to get moved. If you have your baby whilst living in that house the moment the health visitor comes for your pre birth check and they smell crack smoke and/or you tell them what's going on, or they ask who else is in the house you are going to be in a whole heap of stress more - further along and less time to get out before baby. Do yourself and your baby a favour and get out as soon as you can.

"I have started saving for a mortgage but it would be a while before I can afford a deposit and it would be a shame to have to change plans just because of him which is why I’m seeking advice. I take responsibility for my own choices particularly with choosing to keep the baby while in this situation and I’m aware I may have to go to the council etc. but I’m currently exploring my options."

"I couldn’t afford to rent on my own living down south it is far too expensive and that’s why I didn’t get pregnant until I secured a better job. But it’s still too costly despite me being very financially responsible."

What was your plan, exactly? Did you intend to continue living with your parents after having the baby? Did you think that your parents would kick your brother out?

You are going to be a mother. You are not changing plans because of your brother. You are changing plans because you chose to bring a child into the world, and you have a responsible to provide a safe home for that child. Even if your brother wasn't in the picture, it wouldn't necessarily be suitable to live with the baby at your parents' house, anyway. Did you ask them how they felt about having a baby in the house before (or after) getting pregnant?

How much do you have in savings? Does your employer pay enhanced (contractual) maternity pay or will it be SMP only?

Shared ownership might be an option if there are properties available in your area, and if you're eligible. You would be able to claim benefits for help towards the rent portion.

Otherwise, you will have to apply for social housing and hope for the best. You won't get much choice, though. And depending on your local council's policy they may not recognise the pregnancy until you are further along (based on what you've said you're 3 months pregnant).

If he has Warrents out for his arrest ring them up and get him shifted this way? Just a thought

So not an accident at all? Is he 22 as well? What sort of shitty decision making is that! Ffs.

D9es this kid and his parents know you were deliberately trying to get pregnant? You've ruined his life and possibly of having a decent family now, he'll always come with the burden of a child you had in bad circumstances. Dreadful.

I actually feel sorry for your parents-both offspring living at home, one on drugs and one deliberately pregnant with no plans to support themselves financially.

How will you look after your baby and work once it’s born?

I'm afraid you aren't mature enough at all if you felt getting pregnant was wise with a 'friend' you happily call a 'sperm donor', whilst still living at the family home, brother with addiction or not. As a lone parent myself, it is extremely fucking hard. You've admitted your parents aren't in the best of health either, I suppose you'll be expecting them to mind the child and be at your beck and call too?

I feel sorry for your parents and your child here. You are no more responsible than your brother, just in a different way. The father doesn't even live in the same city for fucks sake. I've my doubts he knew you were planning to use him. Throwing your brother out whilst battling an addiction will end in one way and not a good one. And it's a decision they shouldn't be forced to make because you can't grow up. Kids aren't dolls ffs.

Sorry OP - your mum means well but it’s all only words at the moment. She and your father have never managed to stand firm with your brother before and you can’t trust that they will do it this time until you see it for yourself. In the meantime you need to make a contingency plan.

This is the worst case scenario but if social services are not persuaded that you have a safe home for your baby then they do have the power to remove him / her from you at birth. I was involved in supporting a young mother who was in a similar situation with a family member and it was incredibly difficult for her to get her baby back.

@Alone123 Having worked with families like yours, I’d really encourage you to speak with your midwife and self refer to social services for support. I’ve never really seen parents of addicts cut their child off completely, despite reassurances they will for their own safety. I’ve known someone repeatedly stamp on their elderly mothers head and she still had him round for tea a few weeks later, despite restraining orders and the continued threats to her life. What I’m saying OP is the situation with your parents and brother is incredibly unlikely to change. Things are more likely to escalate.

I really hope this works out for you and your baby, but you absolutely cannot continue to live there.

I’d be seeking support for when the baby is here too in terms of contact with your parents, how that will work, do you plan for them and your brother to know your home address etc. It may seem extreme, but you need to protect what’s now your family, you and your baby.

Exactly.

Where is the child's father in all this?

Do people who live at home at 22 with a dodgy situation usually come off contraception even though they are not in a relationship because they think they are ready? Come on.

Yeah people do get pregnant all the time, society proves that constantly and how busy social workers are and prisons amongst lots of other issues

That is the problem

Sounds like the father of the baby maybe better suited to have the baby live with him? I imagine this would be an option social service would explore.

Obviously I have no idea of his living situation but presumably he's not living with someone like your brother?!

I worded it so badly, I meant that I feel like op is getting blamed for something that wasn't all on her

I agree, of even op and baby live with baby father temporarily

You can't live in the same address as your brother with a child. That will be the bottom line from the children's services.

If your parents are unable/unwilling to have him live elsewhere, you need to move out. I appreciate that your plan was to save for a mortgage but plans need to change when babies happen.

If you are working, can you find somewhere to rent?
Can baby's dad support with rent while you're on mat leave?
Will you be eligible for housing benefit/universal credit?

All of us here can agree with you that your brother is unreasonable. But what does knowing that achieve for you? It won't really get you out of this situation so you need to help yourself now by taking responsibility for the environment you and baby are going to live in.