pregnant living with abusive cr*ckhead brother

[Alone123]

I’m 22 living with my parents and older brother, 25. Currently saving to move out but money is tight and I’m due to give birth in January. I drive, work full time and with a child on the way, my anxiety is getting worse. My brother doesn’t do any of those things.
He is an addict, has been deteriorating for years but only the past year he’s been on the hard stuff, smoking it. He has been kicked out and arrested, carried out by police multiple times but always managed to manipulate his way back in, most recently he came back in December looking awful, drugged up and malnourished. He played the perfect son for two weeks before he went back to his same shit.

He has drug induced seizures which affect the whole household as we are always on edge. He refuses to go with the paramedics or attend any kind of help (doctors etc.) he has a 6 year old
he pretends is his priority but has met him once. He makes his money by smashing up houses, collecting other peoples drug debts for them. Which makes me sick considering we’ve had this happen to our home before due to repercussions of his involvement in that pathetic lifestyle.

Just today he seizures, waking my 60 year old parents up in a complete panic at 7am and I had to enter a crack smoke filled room to pass the phone to my mum as I called 999 (pregnant!). Everyone knows he needs help, he does too, he just doesn’t want it. I know it’s selfish but I just have constant anxiety about the health of my baby and my parents who are on edge constantly.

When he was kicked out I got a job working from home, but of course my anxiety and stress worsened when he came back to live with us. He is loud selfish and demanding and can’t do anything for himself. On a day without drugs he’d bang on my office door during work to ‘be funny’ and demand to have breakfast made for him. He would talk about his criminal activity loudly while on the phone and pace around the hall just the other side of the door from where I am working. I lost my job.

He owes me money from when he took advantage and manipulated me to give him hundreds when I was drunk one weekend (before I was pregnant obviously) and still asks for money every day despite me giving him a hard NO every single time. It’s usually for weed, gambling etc.

He’s quite clearly brain damaged from all the seizures but the again he’s never really been a particularly nice person anyway. My parents seem to think he’s just buying his time as he’s also got warrants for his arrest but I hate the way he’s so rude to them. I can handle myself but they are push overs.

I had occupational therapy a couple years ago when he was really affecting my mental health and this was before the crack. I am finding it really hard to cope despite being a resilient person and so I am at the point where my blood is boiling when he opens his mouth and I really don’t want to lose it. None of this is good for my unborn child, who I fear for every single day.

Please help, and be brutal! X

I agree with the pp who suggested you move in with the father. Even as platonic friends the situation would be infinitely better. I'm not sure why you've not considered this. However. In the long term, your parents will never be able to have the child round to their house with the situation as it is.

Everyone - It's pointless going on about choices here, and will not help in this tricky situation. Only the reality of the current situation matters.

OP - I think your mum will say and promise anything to get you to stay and help deal with him. What makes you think this time will be different?

Maybe change how you think of them - though they have disabilities, at 60 they are not elderly - they're my age. My mum's elderly and is independent.

You are not their mum.
You are not your brother's mum.
You are already your baby's mum - and that must be your sole priority now.

Put mortgage plans on hold and focus on short term benefits - you need your own place, and you need it asap.

Contact the council - tell them you're a young single pregnant woman living in conditions potentially dangerous to your unborn baby and your own health and wellbeing, the father is not in the picture.

Get settled and used to your own safe space, where you can be nesting and making it your own.

Your parents and brother do not get a key. Everything in your domain is on your terms. This will be the environment, the world you'll create for your new baby. Not the intergenerational chaos at your parents'.

All the best.

OP Your priority right now needs to be ensuring that you and your baby are safe now and moving forward. Ignore all the comments from posters questioning your decisions. I'm a solo mum by choice although I was 37 when pregnant with my own home. It is tough doing it on your own but you can definitely do this.

You need to think about whether your parents are actually going to kick your brother out permanently or not. If you 100% believe that they will then if they are happy for you to stay with them and contribute to household costs that is not a problem. Although I would would sit down and a have an upfront conversation about what bringing a baby into the house would mean for all of you. However, if you even have the slightest bit of doubt they will kick your brother out then you need to start looking for an alternative option. I second another posters suggestion of looking at shared ownership if that is an option. Alternatively you could look at renting privately or even a house share. Many single parents who have spare rooms and are struggling financially would welcome another single parent as a housemate. Or do you have a friend who you could share a rental with?

I agree with this

Everyone - It's pointless going on about choices here, and will not help in this tricky situation. Only the reality of the current situation matters.

I agree that the immediate situation is the priority but op does need to hear that her decision making is not sound.

She seems to think she's got her head screwed on and is behaving responsibly but she isn't.

It is clearly not safe living with him and a baby. If social care find out there’s a bay in the house, all sorts of safeguarding issues could be flagged up.
Your brother is going to continue living with them because they will always enable their child and he has nowhere else to go.

Your only option is to rent somewhere just for you-I would speak to the council and social care. Perhaps a hostel where they’ll house pregnant/single parents. You have to put your baby’s well-being first.

So by made a mistake you mean, got pregnant and had an abortion?

This is an absolute shitshow.

A child is not a handbag. Or a pair of cool shoes. Or even a dog.

A child need two parents who are commited to it and each other and safe secure home . Yes, life happens and it doesn't always work out like that but surely that is the basic everyone should be aiming for?

Instead you have decided that you want a baby and have got pregnant to someone you don't love or want a relationship with while living at home with parents you describe as vulnerable and a drug addict boyfriend.

Your poor poor baby .

brother
Sorry

I agree. What a mess and it is the poor child who will suffer.

I'm beginning to get the impression the father was not informed he was being used to make a baby. Admittedly yes, he'd have helped himself by wearing a condom, but he probably wasn't under the impression he was having sex to conceive either by the way this story is developing.

But why do this now, if you are aware of it? You said you were saving a mortgage deposit, why not wait until you'd done that then conceive the baby with your friend when you had a stable and safe home for the baby to live in? I'm not trying to be unkind but I just do not understand your thinking here, why you'd deliberately conceive a baby in this situation rather than wait until you could provide what the baby will need?

I just do not understand your thinking here, why you'd deliberately conceive a baby in this situation rather than wait until you could provide what the baby will need?

It sounds like the OP would rather her parents paid all the boring house and bill costs so she could have a baby NOW, rather than her having to save up and pay for it all herself!

How is it misogynistic to say that coming off contraception deliberately aged 22 when you can't even support yourself let alone provide for a child and are living in a house with someone with a serious and dangerous addiction is irresponsible? Will you also call social services irresponsible when they take the baby into care, if OP continues pretending she doesn't need to do anything to provide her child with a safe home?

I mean the following with kindness, OP, but it might be a difficult read. Nevertheless you need to grasp the following in order to start making informed decisions in the best interests of you and your baby.

Your parents are never going to kick out your brother or cut him off. If they were capable of doing so they would have done it by now. It is painful to realise that they aren’t prepared to do this for you and I wonder if on some level you think that producing a grandchild will make them start prioritising you. I’m sorry but it won’t.

You cannot stay in your parents’ address. It is a target for some very nasty people indeed. It is the base that your brother will always come back to when he is violent or using.

Once you have accepted these very difficult truths you can make some decisions. You have some options but in your current situation you are at real risk of having your baby removed from you. I wish you good luck.

I haven't read the replies but if there's warrants out for his arrest, call the police next time he's home and tell them and they'll come and arrest him. You can change the locks etc . This will show you how sincere your parents are about getting him out.

This is a really simple choice for you. Difficult but simple. It's either your brother or your baby. Social services won't allow baby in that environment. Even worse you be tempted to hide his drug use from social services and then in their eyes you lose your status as a 'protective factor' for the baby and then you genuinely are looking at the risk of baby being removed if social care feel you aren't taking this seriously.

Sort it out before social care sort it out.

Posters who are criticising what the OP has done are putting the future baby’s interests first, unlike anyone in her family seem to have done. Yet another baby being born in a totally unsuitable environment.

And it is relevant to question the thinking behind this because this was an intentional pregnancy, not an accident. And therefore social services - if the OP tells them what she has written here and defends this as a sensible and reasonable course of action - will likewise question whether she is capable of making decisions in the best interests of the child and prioritising its needs.

Wow, that's one sexist response! Don't make me trot out the old saying, 'it takes two to tango'...

FFS.

OP you've acted extremely irresponsibly and now your child's safety is at risk.

You sound extremely immature and naive. You're going to get a shock when this baby arrives.

You need to inform your midwife which will trigger a referral to social care. You need social care involvement.

Your best bet is probably getting your parents to kick you out of your home and present to the council as homeless. You'll be given emergency accommodation and eventually will get a council property.

I think you should move out. But since you can’t afford a mortgage or rent the only option is to get a council property.

I’ve actually got more sympathy for your brother, than someone who purposely gets pregnant whilst living at home with a drug addict brother, with no way of actually supporting them themselves. Your poor parents.

https://centrepoint.org.uk/news/pregnant-and-homeless-guide-support-during-pregnancy

This might have some useful information. You cannot live with your brother as you’ll put your baby at risk and social care will become involved. You need to explore other options and as you say yourself None of this is good for my unborn child, who I fear for every single day you now have to put your baby first.

Agree with all this X

@Sazza26xx the brother was already a drug addict, OP purposely got pregnant without having the financial means to be able to house herself and the baby, expecting her parents to pick up the pieces.

Doesn't mean that the OP deserves a pile on

It's not a "pile on" to point out that she needs to recognise her irresponsible behaviour in order to change it, and do it fast. Otherwise her child will be at serious risk of harm. Social services will not hesistate to "pile on", as you put it.