AIBU for being upset at sister-in-law's pregnancy announcement?

[Desupi]

I am currently just over 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I have been together 12 years. He has 3 younger brothers who all got married in their early 20s, however because marriage isnt really for us we were hoping that being the first to provide a grandchild would be 'our thing'.

Today his brother and wife announced that she is 12 weeks pregnant. Everyone in the family was extatic, but we were left feeling a bit devastated because it feels like the first grandchild excitement is no longer there for us. Obviously not wishing to steal their thunder we did not mention our own pregnancy, also because it is still early days and we havent had a scan yet.

I feel like I'm being stupid for being upset and hating on them when they had no idea that I am pregnant, but I can't help it.

Anyone else been in this situation?

I hope you put all that in the past. It sounds as if they went through a hell of time. It’s human your brother and sil, maybe even your family felt like this.

Yes, you're being unreasonable. Your choice not to get married has nothing to do with 'firsts' I'd hope your family is just delighted that they get two grandchildren/ cousins who in theory will get to grow up together and be close- although that depend on distance. They got pregnant first, neither of you did it 'deliberately'. Be happy for them, as I'd hope they are happy for you. Family shouldn't be a competition

Can't believe how unpleasant some people are being with you here. Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy. Something similar actually happened to me very recently - my partner and I were trying unsuccessfully for a long time and my sibling announced they were expecting their baby about a month ahead of us.

I did also think our baby would be the first grandchild and I do understand you as I felt a little bit disappointed to find out that wouldn't be the case for us, but I can assure you the "first grandchild" really, REALLY is not a thing. Seriously, put that out of your head if you can.

We now have two lovely babies in the family a month apart and not only can they grow up together but we also have another couple to talk to about all the things we're experiencing at the same time. It's really quite nice, honestly! There's no favouritism and nobody thinks anything of the order in which they arrived :)

I'm a grandmother and honestly, there is nothing special about having "the first grandchild". All grandchildren are equally wonderful, whether they come first, last or in between. Your child and his/ her cousin will have a great time growing up together - don't spoil it for yourself by getting upset about this.

OP, I think you're hormonal and not thinking very clearly right now.

Get a grip how entitled and childish

Of course it’s ok to feel a bit upset - it’s how you feel and you can’t help that but I think the majority of posters are right in that it’s not the most healthy response and there are plenty of positives in this situation. What did you think people would say? Have a strop because they got pregnant before you?? You’re jealous basically because you wanted a big fuss but you’re massively assuming you won’t get a big fuss too!

It’s ok to be a bit disappointed. But they will probably be upset when you announce your pregnancy as it means their child will only get to be the only grandchild for a short time. Then another baby will be the one getting fussed over.

Tbh it wasn’t my brother and sister in law that felt like this. It was my parents.
They must have been gutted I know but they would never let that get between us.
My mum was awful and even suggested abortion.
This was a long time ago. They got over it.

Perfectly said! Congratulations OP wishing you a happy healthy pregnancy

Whether people agree or not with the op why does 'hormonal' have to be used every time a female acts differently to what is expected

Hormones can only be blamed for so much

You're bringing a baby into an unstable situation where the baby's mother (you) will have no rights to pension, Next of Kin, no security, no right to even be on a death certificate as partner. What is wrong with you that you don't understand this/want this security, certainty, and protection? Are you really this blase' about life? I don't understand why security and protection and rights (marriage) isn't for you. In fact it's more important for women's welfare now than ever before. You're being very silly.

And it's only in times of crisis and/or death that we realise just how absolutely valuable that 'piece of paper' really is. It's the key to everything in life.

we were hoping that being the first to provide a grandchild would be 'our thing'.

This isn’t a thing.

You're being ridiculous

Why do you assume that because I am not married I have no security? getting married doesn't automatically guarantee a stable and secure environment for a child. Society is evolving, and more legal frameworks are recognizing the rights of unmarried partners and children outside traditional marriage structures. You have NO idea about my financial situation or ability to care for a child should my partner leave.

How about your side of the family op? Are your parents around and engaged?

getting married doesn't automatically guarantee a stable and secure environment for a child.

No, but it does provide a legal framework within which to split assets in the event of a divorce, which doesn't exist for cohabitation unless you've drawn up a comprehensive legal alternative.

I swear 99% of these comments are borderline bullying or weird attempts to veer off the course of the conversation, fuelled by assumptions. Welcome to Mumsnet!

Which we did when we bought our house. The assumptions about my life are crazy! Did not expect this

Hey OP @Desupi I just wanted to offer a bit of kindness amongst the den of vipers here, so sorry about these responses, how disheartening!
I completed understand your feelings, for us, I am currently 23 weeks and this will be DP side 11th grandchild/nephew as we are the youngest couple in a big family and my biggest fear is that they wouldn't be as happy for us due to that, as well as that, my SIL is 27 weeks with her fourth so of course I was worried about it but being pregnant at the same time as my SIL so far has been amazing and has really helped as I had someone to go to with anything I have been worried about or just to share symptom woes! Also, to know my little boy will have a cousin so close in age is really reassuring as we are already close to my SIL.
Our baby will be the first grandchild on my side however and initially, there is a bit more of a special reaction/announcement but I would not say either set of grandparents have any more/less love for our little baby and I am sure it will be the same for you, both are equally excited for baby. There are so many special things about each pregnancy and the first baby in a family is always so exciting no matter how many grandbabies in the family.
Also, all these stupid comments about marriage! I am not married and not planning to for a few years but this will not affect our baby at all and for people to feel so entitled to your private life is so insane! In my opinion, most of the responses on this thread are being unreasonable!
Lots of love and I wish you the happiest and healthiest pregnancy, so happy if you ever need to message to vent about anything lovely!

In 6 weeks time when you announce your pregnancy, your sil might start a thread on here about how devastated she is that you have stolen her thunder!

Don't make it a competition. It's much better to support each other during your pregnancies and enjoy having babies so close in age.

Just gonna throw out there that me and my partner aren't married and we've been together almost 10years, beautiful 6m daughter and no intention to get married anytime soon so you're more than welcome to come after me too 😘

I can't believe people have twisted this thread into some kind of unmarried mother bashing. Actually, I can....it's MN.

Don't be upset about SIL stealing your thunder - you will realise in a few months it's such a non-issue. Enjoy growing your baby, and look forward to the day when the two cousins meet.

The first grandchild is not it’s all cracked up to be 🤣🤣 my daughter was the first on both sides and all the grandparents were so over the top and overbearing they done my head in the first year! Constantly round, interfering with everything and any parental decision I made. My daughters 8 now and they’ve all backed off, probs because she’s older now. I sound ungrateful I know but it’s a lot being a first time mother without having people criticising and turning up unannounced constantly to take over!