Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset at sister-in-law's pregnancy announcement?

169 replies

Desupi · 24/07/2023 21:06

I am currently just over 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I have been together 12 years. He has 3 younger brothers who all got married in their early 20s, however because marriage isnt really for us we were hoping that being the first to provide a grandchild would be 'our thing'.

Today his brother and wife announced that she is 12 weeks pregnant. Everyone in the family was extatic, but we were left feeling a bit devastated because it feels like the first grandchild excitement is no longer there for us. Obviously not wishing to steal their thunder we did not mention our own pregnancy, also because it is still early days and we havent had a scan yet.

I feel like I'm being stupid for being upset and hating on them when they had no idea that I am pregnant, but I can't help it.

Anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
FFF3 · 24/07/2023 21:58

Why do you need a “thing”?! People aren’t defined as special by the order of life events. Plus 6 weeks is nothing - you may find you end up giving birth prematurely and “get” to have the first grandchild. I imagine once the babies are here you’ll gain a bit of perspective / maturity.

herbygarden · 24/07/2023 21:58

I totally get it OP and probably would have felt the same. Also your hormones are all over the place and you will no doubt feel a bit emotional. Try and imagine how amazing it will be for your little one to grow up with a cousin almost the same age! My two DC only have MUCH older cousins so don't get that experience which saddens me sometimes. I think it will be a lovely thing for you all as they grow up together :)

GoldDuster · 24/07/2023 22:02

Maybe try to move away from thinking about it as "thunder" to steal, or having a "thing" taken away from you, and more that you're all on your own timeline and journey and see the benefit of two cousins weeks apart in age, that will be lots of fun if you can let it be, rather than seeing it as an odd competition. As with all things, perspective is everything, and that's not always easy from a hormonal fog.

CrazyCatMom · 24/07/2023 22:05

I totally get it OP - I would be feeling deflated too. However, I have a cousin who is 12 weeks older than me who is my best friend EVER and has been since day 1 - just think how wonderful it will be for your baby and niece/nephew to grow up together 🥰

xyz111 · 24/07/2023 22:05

First grandchild doesn't mean anything. My parents are much closer with my DS than their first grandchild.

Katrinawaves · 24/07/2023 22:06

TakenRoot · 24/07/2023 21:38

You think that counts as reassurance? That any mother would be glad for her child to be 6 weeks premature?

Show quote history

That’s not necessarily what that poster meant.

Full term is anywhere between 37 and 42 weeks and dating can be a few days out so both mothers could have full term babies around the same time with OP’s baby arriving first.

MysteryBelle · 24/07/2023 22:11

Pregzilla

YouAreBeingUnbearable · 24/07/2023 22:13

we were hoping that being the first to provide a grandchild would be 'our thing'.

kindly, this is distinctly NOT a thing. We were the first to make both sets of parents grandparents. It matters not a jot, I don’t think anyone ever thought of DS as the ‘first grandchild’ after he was born. He’s one of four now ranging in age from six to three, and I think everyone would actually have to think for a second if you asked them who came first.

I hope your pregnancy goes well and the hormones die down a bit!

TiggeryBear · 24/07/2023 22:16

Oh OP 😢 I completely understand how you feel as I felt the same when my younger brother announced that he & his wife were pregnant.

As it happens, DNephew & my eldest are 6 months apart in age & honestly once my eldest arrived it stopped mattering. It is really lovely seeing the 2 of them being together & now they're older they play beautifully together.

Wishing you well in your pregnancy. x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/07/2023 22:20

Desupi · 24/07/2023 21:06

I am currently just over 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I have been together 12 years. He has 3 younger brothers who all got married in their early 20s, however because marriage isnt really for us we were hoping that being the first to provide a grandchild would be 'our thing'.

Today his brother and wife announced that she is 12 weeks pregnant. Everyone in the family was extatic, but we were left feeling a bit devastated because it feels like the first grandchild excitement is no longer there for us. Obviously not wishing to steal their thunder we did not mention our own pregnancy, also because it is still early days and we havent had a scan yet.

I feel like I'm being stupid for being upset and hating on them when they had no idea that I am pregnant, but I can't help it.

Anyone else been in this situation?

This seems a bit like someone who has no real problems creating problems and drama!

BUT if you really need some special attention you could keep the gender secret or do a gender reveal etc. but don't think of it as a competition rather than a complement to your lovely news.

Yabu - I'm sure you SIL will be delighted for you both rather than being angry she's sharing the thunder.

SpringViolet · 24/07/2023 22:20

Sounds like a bit of an extreme reaction to be ‘hating’ on them because they got pregnant before you! They’ve got married and generally babies follow so it could hardly be surprising.

Were they aware that they weren’t supposed to get pregnant until after you?

You must know this is totally irrational OP and I hope you don’t let this mar your pregnancy and your relationship with your ILs.

Could there be a bit of underlying resentment that all the others couples are married but.you aren’t? Is the not getting married, ‘our’ thing or your DP’s thing?’

You’d be advised to get married now you’re pregnant to give you legal protection especially if you become a SAHM.

biscoffy · 24/07/2023 22:21

being the first to provide a grandchild would be 'out thing'

🤮. You don't provide children. It's not a competition.

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/07/2023 22:23

How lovely is that?! Your child will have a very close cousin. Congratulations!

firestarter2023 · 24/07/2023 22:23

I get it. I was green with envy and genuine sadness when my relative had the first.... and then when another had one of the opposite gender I felt completely usurped. It's so silly but it is real and your feelings do count!

And yeah first grandchild is a thing. I hear you but as I've found now (took me donkeys years)

Anyway your baby will have their own special relationships with relatives and then it doesn't even matter anymore. Flowers

FrostieBoabby · 24/07/2023 22:24

You'll soon start to feel better about it and just think of the positive that your mother in law will have 2 babies to fuss over and not be fussing over you all of time!

In a few weeks you'll look back and smile that this ever crossed your mind.

Janey3090 · 24/07/2023 22:24

Oh OP, maybe hormones are contributing to these strong feelings a bit (I know mine were raging through pregnancy!)

if it helps try and focus on the positive which will be a cousin for your little one who is so close in age. Cousin bonds can be like siblings or even better - in this case it will be amazing for them to grow up so close to each other x

SweetPetrichor · 24/07/2023 22:26

Having a baby or even ‘the first’ baby isn’t a “thing”. You don’t need a “thing”. Just enjoy your child when it comes.

Iolani · 24/07/2023 22:26

Our son was the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents.
We were made to feel we d done it deliberately as my db and sil had been trying for 10years ( inc ivf) after db had chemo. They hadn’t got pregnant we did straight after marrying.

We were at fault apparently, selfish even. We were expected to wait till they had one first ffs.

Please don’t feel like this OP about your relatives. They want a baby, they can have a baby and you can too. No one should care whose comes first.

coodawoodashooda · 24/07/2023 22:28

noglow · 24/07/2023 21:45

That's not a good thing is it.

I would say the only thing I found tricky was having to shut down comparisons at thr start but people got the hang of it!

Show quote history

If op's baby is born at 36 weeks and the other baby at 42 weeks, surely that's a totally okay thing?

Evanna13 · 24/07/2023 22:30

I understand how you feel. Something similar happened to me.
But please try your best not to let it upset you, you will want to look back on your pregnancy as a happy time.
And trust me when the children are born and as they grow older it will not matter at all. Its often very lovely to have a cousin so close in age.

Confusion101 · 24/07/2023 22:30

Myself and SIL were due at the same time. They announced early, we didn't announce for a few weeks after. I actually felt like they would think we were stealing their thunder, but it was so lovely having person to be pregnant with at family occasions or to bounce ideas / worries / excitements off! They are very much a pair to be honest and both are mentioned, talked about, given as much attention as the other.

As others have said, I suggest you look at all the positives that definitely outweigh the one negative you have in your head at the moment. Anyway.... Ye could have different sexes and have the first grandson and granddaughter.

noglow · 24/07/2023 22:31

coodawoodashooda · 24/07/2023 22:28

If op's baby is born at 36 weeks and the other baby at 42 weeks, surely that's a totally okay thing?

Show quote history

Would be better for the kids to have a gap between their birthday really

ItsJustLittleOldMe · 24/07/2023 22:31

So two things… maybe they will have a boy and you a girl so maybe you will still give them a first?
but more importantly my first baby was my parents 12th grandchild and my husbands mums first…. Guess what my parents were ECSTATIC! and even now nearly five years on they are so much more excited than my MIL (no negativity, she is lovely but no where near as happy, excited etc about our children and before anyone says it, I have 100% included her just as much as my own mum, I know mumsnet like to MIL bash 😅)

Devonshiregal · 24/07/2023 22:31

If all three are married how come you need a ‘thing?’ - I mean, only one of them would have the ‘thing’ of being married by your logic, right? The one who got married first. So two of them have no ‘thing’.

is it that you were glowing with the secret of being pregnant and then Someone stole your thunder and made it seem less unique and special? (Fair enough - can’t control your feelings)

or is it that you’re insecure with your family? Feel last priority? Were the second child and less loved by your parents? (Also fair enough but you need do do some work to move on from this)

You’re fine. It does suck. They did (unknowingly) steal your thunder. It’s not a real problem. And if your family treat the baby as less important it’s their issue not yours and you just need to separate somewhat from them.

ps congrats on baby!

SlideandPolka · 24/07/2023 22:32

I genuinely don’t get this ‘thunder-stealing’ stuff. Sure, if you’d landed on Mars or cycled backwards across Australia or something, or set a record for something, I could understand it, but in the nicest possible way, a lot of people have babies, or get married. Even inside one family. These are quite usual things to do in your 20s and 30s. It certainly isn’t your SIL and BIL’s fault you thought that as you haven’t got married, you thought they would ‘let’ you win the first grandchild race?

Why not embrace the nice side of having babies very close together, assuming you actually like your SIL?

Swipe left for the next trending thread