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Original poster

AIBU for being upset at sister-in-law's pregnancy announcement?

169 replies

Desupi · 24/07/2023 21:06

I am currently just over 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I have been together 12 years. He has 3 younger brothers who all got married in their early 20s, however because marriage isnt really for us we were hoping that being the first to provide a grandchild would be 'our thing'.

Today his brother and wife announced that she is 12 weeks pregnant. Everyone in the family was extatic, but we were left feeling a bit devastated because it feels like the first grandchild excitement is no longer there for us. Obviously not wishing to steal their thunder we did not mention our own pregnancy, also because it is still early days and we havent had a scan yet.

I feel like I'm being stupid for being upset and hating on them when they had no idea that I am pregnant, but I can't help it.

Anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
GraysPapaya · 24/07/2023 23:02

I don’t understand how this is a negative in anyway or how the other pregnancy impacts you? Surely it’s great there’s another kid the same age to grow up with yours?
what’s the issue?

TheSilentSister · 24/07/2023 23:04

I totally get it @Desupi . My DB had a girl (the 1st GC) and then they announced 2nd pregnancy (while I was going thro fertility treatment). It was so hard. I hoped to have the 1st GS but no, they pipped me to the post there too by 7 mths.
It all seems silly now looking back. My own DC was no less special and the fact it was my first (and only) made it special anyway. Having a cousin so close in age has been such a positive thing.
There's another way of thinking this, your s-i-l might be miffed when you announce your 1st pregnancy, stealing the thunder from her maybe?

Babyenroute · 24/07/2023 23:05

YABU

LovelyLooby · 24/07/2023 23:09

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

Canisaysomething · 24/07/2023 23:12

How is a pregnancy "your thing"!? Just focus on staying happy and healthy and keep the drama levels low.

GlitteryGreen · 24/07/2023 23:12

I understand @Desupi . People here are harsh but I completely get how you feel. Even though they obviously didn't know, they have gazumped you at something very special.

HOWEVER, it won't matter at all once everyone knows:) His parents will be so happy and your babies will be loved equally.

I understand the upset but truly, it's a small part of the happiness his family will feel once they know.

ironorchids · 24/07/2023 23:13

Perfectly normal to be disappointed when you were looking forward to giving the first pregnancy announcement and weren't able.

I think people here aren't being realistic about how feelings work. You're not "entitled" to have private feelings! You didn't mention your own pregnancy either in order to not steal their thunder - you were very gracious and nice.

Your baby will now have a cousin that's the exact same age, that's really special, it will be lovely for them in the long run.

booksandbrooks · 24/07/2023 23:15

They got the first announcement in but E your child could come early. That wouldn't be ideal though so perhaps second grandchild is best.

So great they'll have a cousin close in age.

YABU though, I mean you are but you're pregnant and excited. It's okay to feel that way for a bit.

Avatartar · 24/07/2023 23:19

The only “thing” that sticks out to me is that you are not married and financially very vulnerable, especially once you become a mum.
As for the rest of it, your hormones are making you irrational. Once they all know they will be as excited for your GC as they are over the other. Love has no boundaries, it grows and grows - there’s no enough button. Enjoy your pregnancy

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/07/2023 23:28

It might also work the other way, whereby. She'll feel pissed off when you come to announce your pregnancy. She may well think "Well there's my lime light gone down to drain."

Congratulations by the way

Dillane · 24/07/2023 23:37

hating on them seriously? 🙄

strongcupofTea · 24/07/2023 23:46

My cousin and I are a month apart and my daughter and my nephew are a month apart. It's great having a cousin to grow up with. Nothing negative about it and first grandchild stuff is irrelevant.

Moveoverdarlin · 24/07/2023 23:51

I have been in that exact position but I was the equivalent of your SIL. She made my life a misery because I fell pregnant first and had the first grandchild. We both had fertility issues but I was private about mine, she was very vocal. She and my brother ignored my baby when he was in the room for the first few years. Don’t be that person. They’ll be cousins very close in age, it’s a good thing. Don’t be surprised if the other brothers don’t make similar announcements in the next year. Most newly married couples will want to start families.

Oceanus · 24/07/2023 23:53

You're not stupid but you are being silly. Words matter. Be kind to yourself. Congratulations on your baby!

Viviennemary · 25/07/2023 00:08

Its not a race to be the first to produce a baby. You dont get a medal.

2023MNU · 25/07/2023 00:14

Some awful comments on this thread!! You're not being unreasonable for feeling what you're feeling. Of course, if you acted on it, you would, but I'm sensing you'd do nothing to sabotage their amazing news. You'll get over it quickly, I promise you. My SIL announced her pregnancy 1/2 months later than I did, and I was slightly upset in the moment (like you say, first pregnancy is such a massive thing and feelings/hormones are running high), but that was such a short-lived emotion. I remember even silly thinking "oh god, what if my baby is just old news to my PIL by the time their baby comes?!" Lol, as if! It was amazing talking about pregnancy and babies with SIL all the time, felt like we had a lot to bond about, and honestly, amazing for the kids to be almost the same age! There's now 3 of them in under 2 years and I can already imagine the memories they're gonna make together! Remember you're human, then put things into perspective and focus on the positives because there are MANY :)

Pufferfishcakes · 25/07/2023 00:16

Why are people hating on OP? It's not like she said any of this out loud to her family members. OP is entitled to her feelings, even if these are not completely rational.

When my friend announced she was 12 weeks when I was 7 weeks, I cried in the bathroom for a minute after hugging and congratulating her. Obviously I was happy for her, and loved the idea of having kids the same age. However, I felt some jealousy that she had made it past the 12 week mark while I was still very much in the dark as to whether my own pregnancy was a viable one. After the little cry, I could be excited for her again.

OP, take some time to come to terms with it and then try to focus on the positives of the situation. Congratulations on your pregnancy and great that your little one will have a cousin to play with!

DreamTheMoors · 25/07/2023 00:24

Desupi · 24/07/2023 21:22

Did not expect my first post on mumsnet to have me in tears within 20 mins of posting. I don't think I'll be coming back :(

It’s Mumsnet, @Desupi and the people on here aren’t known for their empathy and compassion.

You’ll be fine. I’m sure your family will be thrilled with your wonderful baby news. Concentrate on yourself and your health and try to tune out everything else.

Your in-laws didn’t know. They wouldn’t have intentionally been mean to you - would they?
My cousin and I were born nine months apart and we were thick as thieves our whole lives. She died of breast cancer and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her.

Congratulations. ❤️

Orders76 · 25/07/2023 00:28

First grandchild isn't a thing unless there are massive hierarchy and jealousy issues which is a totally separate thing.

Hopelesscynic · 25/07/2023 00:36

Desupi · 24/07/2023 21:22

Did not expect my first post on mumsnet to have me in tears within 20 mins of posting. I don't think I'll be coming back :(

Well don't. What did you expect people to tell you? Of course you are over the top Unreasonable.

UnfunnyJester · 25/07/2023 00:40

Do you feel you're lacking something because you're not married?

Lilpop90 · 25/07/2023 00:41

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
respectfully, you are being unreasonable.… but feelings aren’t always reasonable, especially if fuelled by hormones!

Not sure why you need a ‘thing’, just because marriage isn’t yours.

6 weeks is still very very early, try and focus on looking after yourself and getting rid of this negative energy.

Mari9999 · 25/07/2023 00:46

@Desupi
Get yourself together. You have decided that you have the strength and maturity to become a parent. Surely you can tolerate a few differing opinions from a group of internet strangers.

Parenthood will bring so much joy but many challenges as well. You are going to need to woman up or you will be in tears on a regular basis.

You are not married because you chose not to be. You didn't miss out on a first. You chose not to go that route.

Your family will love and welcome your baby because that is what loving families do. Now that you sister-in-law has made het announcement wait a few weeks before making your announcement. Let her have her moment in the spotlight.

When the time is right make your announcement. The family will be likely be thrilled with the prospect of 2 new additions to the family.

There should not be a feeling of competition This should be a time of joy and excitement for the entire family.

RLmadmum · 25/07/2023 01:00

It's understandable to feel a little disappointed if you had your heart set on it, but I would say gently that slightly YABU.
Your SIL doesn't detract away from your equally amazing news. You get to experience your first pregnancies together which will be something truly special. Stop being so hard on yourself OP and enjoy the experience ahead of you. Honestly it could be hormones playing a part too. What an exciting time for you, congratulations!

Coyoacan · 25/07/2023 01:04

Your child will be so happy to have a cousin the same age. My dd didn't and family get-togethers were tedious for her