Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

AIBU for being upset at sister-in-law's pregnancy announcement?

169 replies

Desupi · 24/07/2023 21:06

I am currently just over 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I have been together 12 years. He has 3 younger brothers who all got married in their early 20s, however because marriage isnt really for us we were hoping that being the first to provide a grandchild would be 'our thing'.

Today his brother and wife announced that she is 12 weeks pregnant. Everyone in the family was extatic, but we were left feeling a bit devastated because it feels like the first grandchild excitement is no longer there for us. Obviously not wishing to steal their thunder we did not mention our own pregnancy, also because it is still early days and we havent had a scan yet.

I feel like I'm being stupid for being upset and hating on them when they had no idea that I am pregnant, but I can't help it.

Anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
Pollyputthekettleonha · 24/07/2023 22:32

YABU

Waffle19 · 24/07/2023 22:33

YABU, having the first grandchild isn’t a ‘thing’. And also they’ll be so close in age that they’ll basically both be the first grandchild. Your DC will also have a cousin just weeks apart in age which will be just lovely, and how nice you get to be pregnant at the same time as your SIL and share becoming first time mums together. You’ll also be on maternity leave together.

Our niece was born just days apart from our son and it’s amazing seeing them grow up together.

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 24/07/2023 22:33

Dont go down the track of wanting your ‘thing’ to be the first ‘thing’, otherwise you will end up making your pregnancy/baby’s first year a misery by competing with the other baby for all of the firsts.
Reframe it as others have said. You now have someone to share the pregnancy with and someone to spend time with when your baby is born. That’s worth it’s weight in gold because in reality people outside of the baby bubble aren’t as invested as you think they will be.

gettingolderbutcooler · 24/07/2023 22:34

Maybe ask them to delay their birth?

Or just hide away with the baby in a distant land until after yours is born?

Or ask for yours to be delivered early?

That way you 'win'.

SideWonder · 24/07/2023 22:36

however because marriage isnt really for us we were hoping that being the first to provide a grandchild would be 'our thing'.

Oh don’t be so silly.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 24/07/2023 22:36

@Desupi

You're not been unreasonable for this to get to you ... it's understandable! You wanted to be the first ... You're pregnant you're excited - and now somebody else has basically stolen your thunder without meaning to! Your feelings are perfectly valid and take no notice of people being really mean and catty to you on here! Hmm

As a few posters have said though - take this as a chance to think 'oh wow my baby's going to have a cousin that's really close in age and they're going to be like siblings - this is wonderful!'

You're absolutely blessed to be pregnant and you'll be blessed to have a baby so just look forward to the future with your brother in law and sister in law, and your lovely niece or nephew (your child's cousin.) Please don't feel too bad about it ... this is a wonderful time you've got coming now. Flowers

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/07/2023 22:38

It's not a competition. I should think you would be happy that your child will have a close-in-age cousin.

And if marriage isn't your "thing," I hope you have a substantial career and your own assets, and aren't depending on him for your financial security. Also wills and other paperwork in place to establish guardianship, who's in charge if you experience a health crisis and are unconscious, and other crucial matters.

Taylorswiftly23 · 24/07/2023 22:44

Your thought process is totally illogical.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

321user123 · 24/07/2023 22:44

Desupi · 24/07/2023 21:22

Did not expect my first post on mumsnet to have me in tears within 20 mins of posting. I don't think I'll be coming back :(

Some people can be really mean on here.. it’s because they don’t see a person on the other side of it and don’t spend the time to phrase their things in the manner they would in person.
they see it as “touch and go”.
Focus on all the really nice ones.

I get your “being the first” at something, I’d be a little sad too, but there’s a positive here…
Your baby will have a lil cousin of the same age!

Me and my cousin are exactly 4 weeks apart and when we were little it was really cool.
(She’s a test now, but that’s a story for another day 😂).

PrinnyPree · 24/07/2023 22:44

Really sorry their news has taken the wind out of your sails a bit OP and sorry some of the MNetters are being a bit short with you. Pregnancy hormones will do a number on your feelings and rationality but as others have said having a cousin of the same age will be actually so brilliant! Honestly at family get togethers they'll be keeping each other entertained and you can do playdates, I would love a neice or nephew my DCs age.

Also is there 2 sets of grandparents? Will the baby be the other set of GPs first Grandchild? Xx Take care OP.

rainbowlou · 24/07/2023 22:45

when we announced our pregnancy it was made very clear that my sil wanted to be ‘first’ and my god I was made to feel so crap at a really exciting time, I was told not to rub it in and be mindful of her feelings.
what my Inlaws didn’t know was that I had lost 3 previous pregnancies and was told I would likely not have another.
you can’t help how you feel about it but please keep your feelings to yourself.

ModestMoon · 24/07/2023 22:46

It's the hormones talking OP, grandparents don't really care who came first.

MissAmbrosia · 24/07/2023 22:47

You are being ridiculous. The only people entitled to be very fussed about a pregnancy are you and your partner. Everyone else is a bonus.

Dyra · 24/07/2023 22:48

I get it.

I felt something very familiar when my sister announced her pregnancy after DH and I been trying for over a year. I'm the eldest, and had been married for a few years by that point, so it was virtually expected for us to have the first grandchild. It felt like the rug had been pulled from underneath me, along with the usual infertility woes. I know it was irrational, but I couldn't help feeling what I felt. Can't imagine it being amplified by pregnancy hormones either, but you'll get through it. As others have said it'll be so nice to have cousins close in age.

We've now got two each. I eventually got the second grandchild a few years later. Third and fourth are charmingly just under 4 months apart, and they are so cute together.

sandyhappypeople · 24/07/2023 22:48

With respect OP, I think the only person that this will mean anything to is you and your partner, asking other people to hold a special place for you bearing a 'first' grandchild, is really just asking for disappointment as I doubt the reality will match up to your expectations unfortunately.

The only thing I would say is if you still feel this way, please please don't bring it up to anyone else, it isn't their fault as they didn't know you were ttc, so they've not intentionally stolen your thunder and if anything happened to their pregnancy and you've been saying to everyone that you just wish you were first to have a child.. and then you do end up being first because they lose theirs.. it doesn't bear thinking about, please consider who you tell that to very carefully.

Goldbar · 24/07/2023 22:50

YABU but I think you know you are. Hopefully this feeling will pass soon.

I wish you all the best and hope that in a few years you'll be watching two adorable cousins playing happily together and amusing each other at family gatherings while the adults chill. My older DC was the only child in the family on both sides until recently (now has a baby sibling) and is unlikely ever to have cousins so probably won't get to experience the fun of having similar-age children to be "partners in crime" at family events growing up. They're very lucky in many other ways but I do have some sadness for this.

mayorofcasterbridge · 24/07/2023 22:53

Desupi · 24/07/2023 21:06

I am currently just over 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I have been together 12 years. He has 3 younger brothers who all got married in their early 20s, however because marriage isnt really for us we were hoping that being the first to provide a grandchild would be 'our thing'.

Today his brother and wife announced that she is 12 weeks pregnant. Everyone in the family was extatic, but we were left feeling a bit devastated because it feels like the first grandchild excitement is no longer there for us. Obviously not wishing to steal their thunder we did not mention our own pregnancy, also because it is still early days and we havent had a scan yet.

I feel like I'm being stupid for being upset and hating on them when they had no idea that I am pregnant, but I can't help it.

Anyone else been in this situation?

Don't let the auld witches upset you @Desupi x

I don't know what is wrong with people right now but the level of rudeness, aggression and downright cruelty is currently off the scale.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and hope all goes well. I guess this was always likely to happen, wasn't it? And I know you're just excited and have had the wind taken out of your sails a bit, and you're hormonal too.

Take a wee step back and imagine the excitement there will be when you announce that you are also pregnant. Your baby will have a ready-made playmate too. What about your side of the family?

I guess you will just have to get married now lol! 😉

Tessabelle74 · 24/07/2023 22:53

My sister had first grandchild, a girl then we decided to try for a baby so I secretly hoped for a boy to get first grandson and got my beautiful girl, then she got pregnant again and had a boy 2 months before I did! I was actually pissed off that she got all the firsts! Irrational, yes, but that's how I felt! I'm over it now though. Once your news is out, everyone will be equally as delighted for you and this anger will fade. Congratulations on your pregnancy ❤️

Jk987 · 24/07/2023 22:54

You don't 'provide' grandchildren! That's a really bizarre way to look at it. You've chosen not to get married, fine. Brother in law's baby wasn't conceived to spite you! Both pregnancies are happy news for everyone.

enemaofthestate · 24/07/2023 22:54

Yes it’s silly.

If you were in your SILs shoes that same mindset would probably make you upset when a new pregnancy is announced and you realise you’re not the only pregnant one and your baby won’t get to ‘the baby’ of the family because a shiny new grandbaby would be arriving a mere few weeks later.

I would have loved it if my siblings or sibling ILs had their babies at a similar time. I grew up with a cousin who was weeks apart in age and it was great. Nothing better than a big, busy family with lots of cousins imo. Try and enjoy it.

DinnaeFashYersel · 24/07/2023 22:56

Your baby will be just as loved and just as special.

CapEBarra · 24/07/2023 22:57

The family dynamics must be quite odd for you to think you need to have ‘a thing’. You will absolutely be the only one thinking this way.

londonba · 24/07/2023 22:59

I do think you’re being ridiculous but it’s probably your hormones clouding things - is this out of character for you? There’s no pride in having a baby before your siblings/in laws. It’s not a “first” you need to aim for or aspire to achieve. Is it because you think the baby will cement your commitment to your partner as you’re not married? It’s a really weird reason to hate on your family.

I think you need to get your head around this quickly. Your baby and its cousin will basically mirror each other in life, they will be born months apart. They will share milestones together, they might even be in the same year in school and share friends. If you go into this with the mindset that your child needs to be “first” and they you’re in
competition with your in laws, you’ll end up jealous and bitter. The babies will share birthday celebrations and be compared to each other all the time. The last thing they need is undue pressure from you.

Footgoose · 24/07/2023 23:00

Op, you have had a hard time on here . I understand your feelings but even you will look back one day and realise none of this matters.
When you do finally reveal your wonderful news Sil may well think you have stolen her thunder ! Petty I know but hey ho .
Good luck with your pregnancy . Come back to Mumsnet. Other than AIBU which has always been a bun fight , you may get some really valuable support.

ClairDeLaLune · 24/07/2023 23:02

Desupi · 24/07/2023 21:22

Did not expect my first post on mumsnet to have me in tears within 20 mins of posting. I don't think I'll be coming back :(

But you used the expression “hating on them” OP which is just awful and probably led posters to believe you’re harder and less sensitive than perhaps you are.