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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants an abortion

237 replies

Idontwantausernameplease · 15/07/2023 22:36

Hi everyone,

I just found out I’m pregnant. Backstory is that I fell pregnant with my partner last year and he asked me to abort, I did and it was traumatic.

Fast forward a year, my OH and I were sitting down for dinner and he tells me he is ready for baby and if I would consider taking my coil out. I had not spoken about babies since our termination and thought it was completely off the cards for us. Naturally I was surprised but also felt this wow feeling that I really didn’t know existed inside me.

I agreed to have my coil out and scheduled it for a month later so I could really settle into the idea of letting it happen if it happened. i have not even had a single period before falling pregnant and now he’s said that he didn’t mean it and that he doesn’t want a baby, please could I consider getting rid of it.

All I have done since finding out a few days ago is cry at the fact that this is my body and to ask me again to go through the trauma of abortion again is just something I don’t think I can do.

He is saying to me that he’s not telling me to do it but I should consider what life would be like raising a baby alone. Bear in mind that this is not a new relationship, we have been together for five years and so the decision to have a baby with him felt natural and comfortable to me. I didn’t think that in a thousand years he would turn around and say he doesn’t want a baby after asking me to take my coil out and continuing to have sex without any contraception. I mean what did he expect would happen?

I feel completely blindsided and don’t know where to turn. I have typed this so quickly and I know I have probably left a lot of detail out. But I am desperate for someone to help me make sense of my emotions… I am dying inside.

OP posts:
WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 14:14

Idontwantausernameplease · 15/07/2023 22:36

Hi everyone,

I just found out I’m pregnant. Backstory is that I fell pregnant with my partner last year and he asked me to abort, I did and it was traumatic.

Fast forward a year, my OH and I were sitting down for dinner and he tells me he is ready for baby and if I would consider taking my coil out. I had not spoken about babies since our termination and thought it was completely off the cards for us. Naturally I was surprised but also felt this wow feeling that I really didn’t know existed inside me.

I agreed to have my coil out and scheduled it for a month later so I could really settle into the idea of letting it happen if it happened. i have not even had a single period before falling pregnant and now he’s said that he didn’t mean it and that he doesn’t want a baby, please could I consider getting rid of it.

All I have done since finding out a few days ago is cry at the fact that this is my body and to ask me again to go through the trauma of abortion again is just something I don’t think I can do.

He is saying to me that he’s not telling me to do it but I should consider what life would be like raising a baby alone. Bear in mind that this is not a new relationship, we have been together for five years and so the decision to have a baby with him felt natural and comfortable to me. I didn’t think that in a thousand years he would turn around and say he doesn’t want a baby after asking me to take my coil out and continuing to have sex without any contraception. I mean what did he expect would happen?

I feel completely blindsided and don’t know where to turn. I have typed this so quickly and I know I have probably left a lot of detail out. But I am desperate for someone to help me make sense of my emotions… I am dying inside.

Hes a piece of shit. This is one of the most evil things I've read on here, hands down.

Firstly he can wanr an abortion all he wants. It's your body and your choice.

Have your baby and raise it alone.
Dont have your baby.

Either way, leave him. Now. He is an abusive, evil cunt.

I'm so sorry Op.

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 14:16

Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 08:55

I wanted this baby because I believed that he wanted it too. I was comforted by the fact that we’d do this together so now I’m scared that it isn’t true.

I didn’t account for being a single mom when I found out I was pregnant and told him, I didn’t expect him to not talk to me that day.

The internal struggle is because he’s told me he wanted this and painted this whole elaborate picture only for it not to be the case and now I’m in a position where I have to repaint that picture and figure out if I can do it alone

i know a lot of you are saying yes you can do it alone and plenty of people do it but I don’t know if I will be a failure and he will get to say I told you so

You wont be a failure.
And apart from anything else, who on earth is this idiot to judge you

LotsOfThingsToThinkAbout · 16/07/2023 14:34

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 16/07/2023 10:03

Lol, Maddy70 is a MRA isn't he?

I gave the same advice earlier and I'm definitely not an MRA 🫤. I would absolutely hate to be tied to someone like the OPs partner for years and years. I would not have any problems having an abortion in this situation obviously everyone has different opinions and feelings about abortions but I'm giving advice about what I would do. It would be an easy decision for me but I understand that it would be a very difficult for other people.

The OP would have no control over how involved the partner would be. I'd hate that lack of control.

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 14:36

@Maddy70 other opportunities? How many false hopes followed by a guilt.tripped abortion would you like her to have?

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 14:37

LotsOfThingsToThinkAbout · 16/07/2023 14:34

I gave the same advice earlier and I'm definitely not an MRA 🫤. I would absolutely hate to be tied to someone like the OPs partner for years and years. I would not have any problems having an abortion in this situation obviously everyone has different opinions and feelings about abortions but I'm giving advice about what I would do. It would be an easy decision for me but I understand that it would be a very difficult for other people.

The OP would have no control over how involved the partner would be. I'd hate that lack of control.

Show quote history

Thats really crass advice to someone who is recovering from the first abortion they didnt want. The fact it's easy for you is irrelevant and self centred,.and really quite nappropriate, to her and to anyone of this thread who has lost a child.

StaunchMomma · 16/07/2023 14:41

Don’t get me wrong. I do want to keep this baby, it’s mine and I made it with a heart of love that I was doing something good and not with any toxicity or ideas of trapping or keeping him.

I won’t lie. Being tethered to this man is also scary. It is also a huge factor for my confusion. As you all can imagine, I don’t know what is true anymore, my sense of self worth is 6 feet under and I am lost.

These two paragraphs are the heart of all of it. This is YOUR life, OP. It's clear that he's done an incredible job of killing off your self worth and convincing you that you need him, you DON'T.

If YOU want this baby, that's what your considerations should be based upon.

If being with this creep isn't nurturing or safe then LET HIM GO!

You and your child, and the new child if you wish to have it, will all be happier without this man in your life. He is utterly, utterly vile.

If you don't wake up now and see things with clarity I fear he will take everything you have and leave you as a shell of a person. Put your child and yourself first and get out, OP.

Being single is better than being abused.

WaltzingWaters · 16/07/2023 14:45

Whatever you decide to do about your pregnancy, you need to leave this man. This is toxic. It’s hugely mentally abusive. It’s absolutely disgusting what he has done. Please please please leave this man.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 16/07/2023 14:51

You can ring womens aid, your a woman being abused it's what they are there for.

Your self worth may be gone but it can be got back and you're no less worthy than the rest of us.

AuntieJune · 16/07/2023 14:51

He's welcome to choose abortion when he gets pregnant.

You can't stay with him. You just need to decide about the baby.

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 15:10

AuntieJune · 16/07/2023 14:51

He's welcome to choose abortion when he gets pregnant.

You can't stay with him. You just need to decide about the baby.

Mu thoughts when I read the title too.

LotsOfThingsToThinkAbout · 16/07/2023 15:22

@WildUnchartedWaters
I disagree that it's crass advice. I acknowledged that choosing to have an abortion is extremely difficult especially for many people but that doesn't make it the wrong decision. The OP is in the very early stages of pregnancy and has to choose between two two very difficult options. I think a lot of people would abort in this situation.

I often find Mumsnet posters solely focus on the Mums rights and less on those of the potential child. Personally, I think knowingly bringing a child into the world when you know the father is a bad person is something to be avoided if you can. You only have to look at all the millions of Mumsnet posts on shit or absent Dads to understand why.

WildUnchartedWaters · 16/07/2023 15:25

LotsOfThingsToThinkAbout · 16/07/2023 15:22

@WildUnchartedWaters
I disagree that it's crass advice. I acknowledged that choosing to have an abortion is extremely difficult especially for many people but that doesn't make it the wrong decision. The OP is in the very early stages of pregnancy and has to choose between two two very difficult options. I think a lot of people would abort in this situation.

I often find Mumsnet posters solely focus on the Mums rights and less on those of the potential child. Personally, I think knowingly bringing a child into the world when you know the father is a bad person is something to be avoided if you can. You only have to look at all the millions of Mumsnet posts on shit or absent Dads to understand why.

Like I said.

Sazza26xx · 16/07/2023 17:44

mosiacmaker · 16/07/2023 13:23

Wow so unnecessarily rude. The poster just said that she should leave the bastard but also think twice about having a baby that will be connected to him for life - which I tend to agree with? If we all agree that the guy is actually a monster, why subject an innocent child to having him as a father? He could get visitation rights if he changes his mind about being involved and the poor kid would be part of his games. I would think twice about tethering myself and my unborn baby to someone like that as well. That doesn’t make anyone a “silly cow”.

It’s an awful situation to be in but who the baby’s father is and his attitude towards his unborn child should be a factor in any decision. It doesn’t mean they have a right to pressure you to do anything or that they have “a say” in you terminating, but it’s ignoring the elephant in the room to pretend it won’t be a big element of your child’s future life so it is something to consider carefully when weighing up your options.

Show quote history

How's that rude🤣 was sticking up for the op, no wonder tattle is more popular can speak your mind there 🤣

Original poster
Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 18:00

Just want to thank you all for helping gain a little clarity.

Whilst I haven’t and won’t make my mind up for a little while it was comforting to find so many people who could let me know that this isn’t in my head

I don’t know, maybe mentally this is too difficult to go through, physically the abortion will be too hard to go through.

Maybe in the end I just lose either way. Whether I’m tied to him or not, I don’t see a positive right now

OP posts:
IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 16/07/2023 18:09

Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 18:00

Just want to thank you all for helping gain a little clarity.

Whilst I haven’t and won’t make my mind up for a little while it was comforting to find so many people who could let me know that this isn’t in my head

I don’t know, maybe mentally this is too difficult to go through, physically the abortion will be too hard to go through.

Maybe in the end I just lose either way. Whether I’m tied to him or not, I don’t see a positive right now

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It sucks when no option feels good or right. Just know we're here if you need us and most of the MNers, we won't judge whatever you decide to do. Just support.

Unicorn2023 · 16/07/2023 18:13

Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 18:00

Just want to thank you all for helping gain a little clarity.

Whilst I haven’t and won’t make my mind up for a little while it was comforting to find so many people who could let me know that this isn’t in my head

I don’t know, maybe mentally this is too difficult to go through, physically the abortion will be too hard to go through.

Maybe in the end I just lose either way. Whether I’m tied to him or not, I don’t see a positive right now

@Idontwantausernameplease sending lots of love, strength and hugs 🤗 💪🏻 ♥️ xx

LaylaLjungberg · 16/07/2023 18:27

He’s a TOP see you next Tuesday.

leave him and have a good life.

Emmamoo89 · 16/07/2023 18:31

LTB. Keep the baby x

Viviennemary · 16/07/2023 18:34

He is absolutely horrendous. Up to y5ou what you do aboutmthe baby but he is a horror.

Daniki · 16/07/2023 20:48

Keep the baby get rid of the man. What a piece of shit he is! Imagine what he'll ask of you in the future 😫

greyhairnomore · 16/07/2023 20:55

I think I'd have an abortion in this case , but absolutely end the relationship.
What was his explanation for his change of mind ?

Burningthroughthesky · 16/07/2023 21:01

Sorry you are going through this OP. It's your decision and your decision alone.

Whatever you decide about the pregnancy, please get rid of him. What he's done is unforgivable.

Beauty4Ashes · 17/07/2023 21:10

Please contact the perinatal mental health team through your GP, they can give you an urgent referral. You need support, and other voices that can drown out his voice in your head. I've been through my fair share of shxt too and trust me when I say you are not the first woman to go through this, you're not the last and you can definitely come out the other side. It's absolutely unfair and disgusting what he's done, but you have to shift gears and change your mindset to prioritising yourself and your children. The fear of the unknown can be debilitating, but take back control of your life and thoughts, make plans to do this in the best way you can. Your 18 year old hopefully as an adult can offer you some kind of emotional support or at least just to give you a word of encouragement if you're able to share with them. I'm very proud of you for sharing on here, it's a big first step!

Original poster
Idontwantausernameplease · 23/07/2023 09:44

I decided I’m not strong enough to keep going with this pregnancy. I’m not brave enough, I’m not strong enough and I’m not good enough to do this right.

OP posts:
Daniki · 23/07/2023 10:12

@Idontwantausernameplease please speak to someone professional and don't let your partner pressure you into anything. Regardless of what you decide to do, it is YOUR choice, please get rid of your boyfriend. He is horrible, manipulative and it will never be the right time. What's to say you won't be in the same situation a year from now?

Also you are strong enough, you'd be surprised where you can pull strength from. Family & friend support too