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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants an abortion

237 replies

Idontwantausernameplease · 15/07/2023 22:36

Hi everyone,

I just found out I’m pregnant. Backstory is that I fell pregnant with my partner last year and he asked me to abort, I did and it was traumatic.

Fast forward a year, my OH and I were sitting down for dinner and he tells me he is ready for baby and if I would consider taking my coil out. I had not spoken about babies since our termination and thought it was completely off the cards for us. Naturally I was surprised but also felt this wow feeling that I really didn’t know existed inside me.

I agreed to have my coil out and scheduled it for a month later so I could really settle into the idea of letting it happen if it happened. i have not even had a single period before falling pregnant and now he’s said that he didn’t mean it and that he doesn’t want a baby, please could I consider getting rid of it.

All I have done since finding out a few days ago is cry at the fact that this is my body and to ask me again to go through the trauma of abortion again is just something I don’t think I can do.

He is saying to me that he’s not telling me to do it but I should consider what life would be like raising a baby alone. Bear in mind that this is not a new relationship, we have been together for five years and so the decision to have a baby with him felt natural and comfortable to me. I didn’t think that in a thousand years he would turn around and say he doesn’t want a baby after asking me to take my coil out and continuing to have sex without any contraception. I mean what did he expect would happen?

I feel completely blindsided and don’t know where to turn. I have typed this so quickly and I know I have probably left a lot of detail out. But I am desperate for someone to help me make sense of my emotions… I am dying inside.

OP posts:
ElizaWinter · 15/07/2023 23:57

What do you want? One day you will look back and this will be what's important about how you feel about the decision you make today. Not him.

Sometimeswinning · 16/07/2023 00:02

Maddy70 · 15/07/2023 23:10

I my opinion... It's his baby too. It's a huge commitment and if you are not both onboard I would definitely abort fir the sake of that potential child. There will be other opportunities

Honestly I worry about people who think like you.

Dotcheck · 16/07/2023 00:02

First post nailed it

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2023 00:06

Gettingbysomehow · 15/07/2023 23:03

Well you know what? Next time he gets pregnant he is welcome to go and have an abortion.
This is your pregnancy and you can do what you want. Preferably without him.

ALLLLLLL of this. Dump his stupid face and then decide what you want to do for yourself.

And @Maddy70 I've been deleted twice recently and I think want to get a name for myself with MNHQ so I'm going to refrain from writing what I want to write.

Hibiscrubbed · 16/07/2023 00:08

He should be totally, totally ashamed for how he has treated you.

Tell him to fuck off. And if you want to, keep the baby.

MsCactus · 16/07/2023 00:09

Get rid of this awful man, keep the baby

LotsOfThingsToThinkAbout · 16/07/2023 00:13

OP,
That's awful. What was he thinking!!

I can't see how you can get over this if you stay with him. I would break up with him.
I'd also have an abortion as otherwise any child will be saddled with him as a father and you may have to parent the child with him. Can you imagine the pain of having to send a child to stay with him?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 00:15

My ex did something similar and I am raising my bag alone, with him
Visiting to be a performatice dad for a few hours each week. I love my baby and despite the heartbreak I'm so glad to have my baby and would choose this over being single without a baby but im late 30s- might be different if I was younger.

Only proceed if you're happy being a single mum like me. It's very doable, lots of people do it but it's tough at times.

Whatever you decide please dump this man.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 00:16

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 00:15

My ex did something similar and I am raising my bag alone, with him
Visiting to be a performatice dad for a few hours each week. I love my baby and despite the heartbreak I'm so glad to have my baby and would choose this over being single without a baby but im late 30s- might be different if I was younger.

Only proceed if you're happy being a single mum like me. It's very doable, lots of people do it but it's tough at times.

Whatever you decide please dump this man.

  • baby
  • performative
Restinggoddess · 16/07/2023 00:18

unfortunately there are people in this world who think that an abortion is a simple procedure- a bit like getting rid of something you no longer need. They have no concept of the physical and emotional impact that abortion has.

However this man is on another level below that. He is messing with your mind as well as your body

This is not healthy - it’s your decision re this pregnancy but then what? when he decides in 9 months time actually he quite likes the idea blah blah blah

As others have said - it’s your decision but this is not a man who respects you or your body and maybe actively and maliciously aiming to mess with you

Take care of yourself OP

2chocolateoranges · 16/07/2023 00:23

What do you want to do?

do not be forced, manipulated or coerced into doing something you don’t want to.

TBH this doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship.

Hohumitsreallyallthereis · 16/07/2023 00:44

Dump him either way. He’s vile.

Make the decision on the termination or not based on what you want. Do consider though he’ll be a shit father.

Mangotango39 · 16/07/2023 01:37

Is he malicious in other ways!
Honestly, the fact it was his idea sounds like he's done it purposely . Which is too strange and evil to comprehend .

lousyatchoosingnames · 16/07/2023 01:50

This is abuse. Dump him. Keep the baby if you want to but stay away from this idiot.

JeandeServiette · 16/07/2023 02:47

Hohumitsreallyallthereis · 16/07/2023 00:44

Dump him either way. He’s vile.

Make the decision on the termination or not based on what you want. Do consider though he’ll be a shit father.

This. You can't stay with him. He is a nasty piece of work.

Decide about the pregnancy separately.

Original poster
Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 07:20

He’s got into my head completely and I feel as though if I keep it I’m going to have the worst life. I’m not young, I’m mid 30s now and this is maybe my last chance at this. But, he keeps drumming into my head that he doesn’t want me to struggle. Saying things like let’s be smart about this. I don’t want to lose you but and our relationship was turning a corner before this. Insinuating that i ruined everything in a sense. He’s said so many things that I feel that if I keep it I won’t be happy alone. I’ve got a really good job but it’s demanding and I just don’t know how I would do this without anyone’s support. This isn’t my first child either but the fact that I know what that abortion did to me mentally scares me. I don’t think I can survive that. But I don’t think that if I keep it he will let me have a peaceful life either

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 16/07/2023 07:23

If your boyfriend wants an abortion he is perfectly free to go get himself one.
He gets no say in what happens to your body .

You already had one abortion you don't want. Is hanging onto him worth a second?

LividHot · 16/07/2023 07:25

He will have to pay you maintenance.

You will NEVER be able to trust him again. He’s a nasty, manipulative man.

Please let Mumsnet help you leave him. You will work out the rest.

A world where you abort AGAIN and stay with this scumbag is not a happy world.

frankienotontonight · 16/07/2023 07:28

Honestly OP, I would get rid and leave his arse for good

Why tie yourself to this man? Why have a baby when you don't have a lovely partner to support you?

Cut your losses and run for the hills! Don't weigh yourself down for this utterly pathetic excuse of a man

ThalattaThalatta · 16/07/2023 07:29

He’s an abuser, plain and simple, and a manipulative piece of shit. Please leave him, whatever you decide about the baby. I am staggered by his cruelty.

romdowa · 16/07/2023 07:35

He is absusing you , all the things he's saying are so manipulative. I think you need to get the hell away from him first and then decide what to do about the pregnancy.

Mamansparkles · 16/07/2023 07:35

Please don't abort OP. It sounds from what you are saying that it will destroy you. Keep your baby, ditch the abusive bastard.
Every time he implies that YOU have ruined things, remind him that HE is the one who asked you to take out the coil and try for a baby.
You can be and will be an awesome single mum. Don't let him get in your head.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 07:35

Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 07:20

He’s got into my head completely and I feel as though if I keep it I’m going to have the worst life. I’m not young, I’m mid 30s now and this is maybe my last chance at this. But, he keeps drumming into my head that he doesn’t want me to struggle. Saying things like let’s be smart about this. I don’t want to lose you but and our relationship was turning a corner before this. Insinuating that i ruined everything in a sense. He’s said so many things that I feel that if I keep it I won’t be happy alone. I’ve got a really good job but it’s demanding and I just don’t know how I would do this without anyone’s support. This isn’t my first child either but the fact that I know what that abortion did to me mentally scares me. I don’t think I can survive that. But I don’t think that if I keep it he will let me have a peaceful life either

Of course he's making you think those things.

That's what abusers too. And because you are more hormonal and emotional right now, you are more vulnerable to this.

He's an awful, awful man. He thought you'd split if he didn't pretend he wanted a kid at some point, so he acted along like he wanted one, but now you're actually pregnant, and he knows he's either got to live with and raise this kid for 18yrs, or pay you for 18yrs, he's trying to bully you into an abortion.

You are not going to have the worst life. You know that. And you won't struggle, you've done it before, you know what to do.

By the time you have the baby there will be a lot more free childcare in place, look into that.

And know this. You are a great mum to your existing child. If you don't have this baby, you will continue to be a great mum to your existing child. If you do have this baby, you'll be a great mum to two children.

So get rid of him, regardless of what you decide about the pregnancy. Then without being under the spell of an abuser, make the right decision for you xx

MyTruthIsOut · 16/07/2023 07:35

Your posts are heartbreaking OP.

He sounds like a gaslighting, abusive, manipulative and controlling piece of crap.

Who the hell does he think he is? Telling you he wants a baby, asking you to get your coil removed, actively trying to conceive, and then when you get pregnant he tells you to terminate?

There is something very, very disturbing about this man.

Run from him as fast as you can.

OhDoh · 16/07/2023 07:36

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. He is a vile manipulator. If you do decide to have this baby, leave him and do not put his name on the birth certificate or his last name. If you want this baby, you will find a way to be happy/deal with work. It will be hard but if this is what you want, then don't let this poor excuse of a man get further into your head. Sending you lots of support xx