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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants an abortion

237 replies

Idontwantausernameplease · 15/07/2023 22:36

Hi everyone,

I just found out I’m pregnant. Backstory is that I fell pregnant with my partner last year and he asked me to abort, I did and it was traumatic.

Fast forward a year, my OH and I were sitting down for dinner and he tells me he is ready for baby and if I would consider taking my coil out. I had not spoken about babies since our termination and thought it was completely off the cards for us. Naturally I was surprised but also felt this wow feeling that I really didn’t know existed inside me.

I agreed to have my coil out and scheduled it for a month later so I could really settle into the idea of letting it happen if it happened. i have not even had a single period before falling pregnant and now he’s said that he didn’t mean it and that he doesn’t want a baby, please could I consider getting rid of it.

All I have done since finding out a few days ago is cry at the fact that this is my body and to ask me again to go through the trauma of abortion again is just something I don’t think I can do.

He is saying to me that he’s not telling me to do it but I should consider what life would be like raising a baby alone. Bear in mind that this is not a new relationship, we have been together for five years and so the decision to have a baby with him felt natural and comfortable to me. I didn’t think that in a thousand years he would turn around and say he doesn’t want a baby after asking me to take my coil out and continuing to have sex without any contraception. I mean what did he expect would happen?

I feel completely blindsided and don’t know where to turn. I have typed this so quickly and I know I have probably left a lot of detail out. But I am desperate for someone to help me make sense of my emotions… I am dying inside.

OP posts:
satellitesunshine · 16/07/2023 08:47

please leave him. sounds eerily similar to what my ex did. having another termination or not is your choice entirely - i don’t think i’d have a second one knowing how i felt about my first but it’s your choice. you will manage as a single mum i’m sure but it’s whether you want the connection to this arsehole for life or not

Jennalong · 16/07/2023 08:49

He is a selfish , disgusting , narc of a man . If you want this baby as you feel it's your last chance due to your age , even just because you want to continue the pregnancy because you want a baby , then do it .
Take the opinion that he was just a sperm provider , from your description of him , he isn't a loving partner .
There are many , many single mum's out there who are managing to bring up their children , always has been , always will be.
Make the right decision for you , not him .

Inertia · 16/07/2023 08:52

He has deliberately engineered this situation to traumatise you. He saw how devastated you were , and has lied to you to put you through the same heartbreak and physical pain over again.

He isn’t just manipulative and cruel- repeatedly coercing you into becoming pregnant and having terminations is sick and twisted.

Whatever you decide about the pregnancy, your partner is cruel and abusive.

Original poster
Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 08:55

I wanted this baby because I believed that he wanted it too. I was comforted by the fact that we’d do this together so now I’m scared that it isn’t true.

I didn’t account for being a single mom when I found out I was pregnant and told him, I didn’t expect him to not talk to me that day.

The internal struggle is because he’s told me he wanted this and painted this whole elaborate picture only for it not to be the case and now I’m in a position where I have to repaint that picture and figure out if I can do it alone

i know a lot of you are saying yes you can do it alone and plenty of people do it but I don’t know if I will be a failure and he will get to say I told you so

OP posts:
ReadtheReviews · 16/07/2023 09:01

If it were me, I'd pretend to have one, move the fuck away and have the baby without him.
I don't think he is a nice person to have in yours or your child's life, to put it mildly.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 16/07/2023 09:05

What’s your housing situation like OP? Could you throw him out while you decide what you would like to do? He should be promptly dumped for this immature, cruel and manipulative behavior. You will find it easier to decide what you want when he’s not there putting his spin on it all the time. I’d tell him to fuck off and that I never wanted to hear from him again. I wouldn’t even tell him what my decision was about the baby. And if I chose to go ahead with the pregnancy I would not initiate any contact whatsoever, he could take me to court for access if he wanted but I wouldn’t be doing any running around or facilitating on my own initiative.

Allwelcone · 16/07/2023 09:05

Well you obviously can't stay with him, he's gone.
For me (and I've been a single mum with a shitty ex) the issue would be more how to keep him out of my life as a co-parent.
He'd have to pay towards the child whether he wanted it or not.
Stay calm, go for a walk, write it down, move out for a bit to get headspace and whatever decision you make make it with a cool head.

isthismylifenow · 16/07/2023 09:08

Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 08:55

I wanted this baby because I believed that he wanted it too. I was comforted by the fact that we’d do this together so now I’m scared that it isn’t true.

I didn’t account for being a single mom when I found out I was pregnant and told him, I didn’t expect him to not talk to me that day.

The internal struggle is because he’s told me he wanted this and painted this whole elaborate picture only for it not to be the case and now I’m in a position where I have to repaint that picture and figure out if I can do it alone

i know a lot of you are saying yes you can do it alone and plenty of people do it but I don’t know if I will be a failure and he will get to say I told you so

OP, how many weeks pregnant are you?

You don't need to decide right now, as you said, it's not a decision you need to make today.

But as I said earlier. A more pressing decision is whether you can get away from him. Even if it's just to elsewhere, without him. Then you can try see the situation without him breathing his opinions down on you.

I don't think you are in the right frame of mind to make the decision of whether to keep this baby or not right now. And the more he is around, the more he is going to force his thoughts in you.

Is there anywhere you can go? Even just for a few days?

Original poster
Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 09:12

Going by my last period I’m only 5 weeks pregnant going on 6. But my cycles are sometimes long so it could be less. My body will tell me I’m pregnant before a test can and I hadn’t missed my period yet when I tested out of curiosity. Honestly my head is still spinning at the reaction to my positive test, I told him excited and he was cold as anything.

OP posts:
Thoughtful2355 · 16/07/2023 09:13

whatever you choose to do, Ditch the Bitch.

He cant tell you he wants a baby and to get off contraception and NOW lie and gaslight you into thinking he was just joking and change his mind and ask you to go through all of that again. Abortion isnt something to just get done, it affects us in ways they will never know.

Either dump him and have an abortion and find someone deserving of you and your future child or dump him and be a single parent, that would be the only 2 choices for me.

sashastuck · 16/07/2023 09:14

You will not be a failure. You will be a mother trying your best. I’m not sure if others have asked this but if you’ve got some local family/friends that you trust to help, you’ll be okay. In this situation I’d keep that baby that WAS made out of love and ditch the awful man who has tried to manipulate the situation once he got scared.

It might be that down the line he accepts this pregnancy and starts to get excited etc but that’s completely your prerogative if you want him to be involved now. I think the fact you care so much in this situation shows you’d be a lovely mum. Xx

nonmerci99 · 16/07/2023 09:15

Only you can decide if you want to keep this baby or not. What seems abundantly clear to me, however, is that this man is attempting to coerce and control you.

This is not a healthy relationship, and I would worry that his behaviour will continue to escalate if you terminate the pregnancy and stay with him.

Oliotya · 16/07/2023 09:17

Leave this man today. Move away. Never speak to him again. His treatment of you is despicable.
Make the decision about the baby away from his influence. That man is nothing short of evil.

DrBlackbird · 16/07/2023 09:18

He has put you in an impossible situation. Not you. He is entirely responsible. Not you. What this man says / your perception of what you think he thinks of you is dictating your emotions too much. Pressuring your decision making. Your sister sounds unhelpful. Can you talk to your parents? Though talking to a disinterested person probably most helpful.

At the very least go away for a few days! Don’t even tell him beforehand. Just go somewhere for the weekend to a cheap but comfortable hotel somewhere near nature. You need some space for your own thoughts. You need some time alone to think about what you want. Completely irrespective of him.

Im sure others have mentioned the freedom programme. It’s only £15 and you can do the online version. Sounds like it’d be good to do. It’s doubtful the relationship can survive after what he’s done to you. Say you split up because he doesn’t want children after all. Then he meets someone else and she falls pregnant and he becomes a father. How will you feel? This has happened to my friends more than once.

Last thought, you’re mid 30’s. If you want a child this is your chance. Many many women go it alone. If it helps, remember that having a father in the house is no guarantee of that child’s happiness. Many adults say they were much happier children when the father was gone.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

sodthesodoff · 16/07/2023 09:18

ReadtheReviews · 16/07/2023 09:01

If it were me, I'd pretend to have one, move the fuck away and have the baby without him.
I don't think he is a nice person to have in yours or your child's life, to put it mildly.

I have a friend who did this. The guy was also emotionally abusive. He didn't like condoms (obviously the Twat) so forced her into an abortion. Too lazy to come with her so she said she had and then fucked off out of there.

@Idontwantausernameplease I know this all seems overwhelming. That's why I and a few others are saying take this one step at a time.

Even if you aborted can you see yourself staying with this inhumane man? He's abusive.

I think you need distance from him to make your own decision.

I also want to make sure you're safe to make this decision. Abortion clinics are normally hyper aware of exactly this situation.

isthismylifenow · 16/07/2023 09:20

Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 09:12

Going by my last period I’m only 5 weeks pregnant going on 6. But my cycles are sometimes long so it could be less. My body will tell me I’m pregnant before a test can and I hadn’t missed my period yet when I tested out of curiosity. Honestly my head is still spinning at the reaction to my positive test, I told him excited and he was cold as anything.

Earlier you said you hadn't had a period.

Have you only taken one test?

Jennalong · 16/07/2023 09:20

*wanted this baby because I believed that he wanted it too. I was comforted by the fact that we’d do this together so now I’m scared that it isn’t true.

I didn’t account for being a single mom when I found out I was pregnant and told him, I didn’t expect him to not talk to me that day.

The internal struggle is because he’s told me he wanted this and painted this whole elaborate picture only for it not to be the case and now I’m in a position where I have to repaint that picture and figure out if I can do it alone

i know a lot of you are saying yes you can do it alone and plenty of people do it but I don’t know if I will be a failure and he will get to say I told you so*

Oh op I find your statement heartbreaking, he's really ground you down over the time you've been with him.

None of us are winners all the time , we all fail at times , we are humans , not programmed robots . There is probably on here , every parent that can put their hand up and admit they've had a bad day with their child and they've handled it wrong.
Not one of us is perfect .

Having a child is hard at times , but it's worthwhile , rewarding , you give and receive love , unconditional love at it's best .

You do what's best for you , and advice from me , first thing is get rid of him.

Alarae · 16/07/2023 09:21

You have two issues here.

The most important, is this man. He is not a kind, loving man to do this to you. Not once, but twice! Even if you terminate, you won't look at him the same. Do not terminate to keep this man. Irrespective of the baby, you need to leave him. He is not a good egg.

Second, after getting rid of him, you can then decide if you want to keep the baby or not. He does not need to play into this decision, as even if you may not wish to have the baby, you damn well should not continue a relationship with him so his opinion is diddly squat.

OP, my heart breaks for you. While it is scary to think of being alone, you will look back and know you did the best thing. This man is not worthy of you and if this was happening to your best friend, I am sure you would be screaming at her that his behaviour is awful and too ditch him.

We cling to the familiar so not to confront the unknown. In your case, the familiar isn't good so why not give the unknown a chance, which might make you infinitely happier?

The ultimate decision is yours, but please don't make a decision for someone else's feelings (your boyfriend). Make it for you.

isthesolution · 16/07/2023 09:21

Either way you are on your own. He's a horrible person and you'd be better if you do have a baby that it has nothing to do with him!

Khanga27 · 16/07/2023 09:21

Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 09:12

Going by my last period I’m only 5 weeks pregnant going on 6. But my cycles are sometimes long so it could be less. My body will tell me I’m pregnant before a test can and I hadn’t missed my period yet when I tested out of curiosity. Honestly my head is still spinning at the reaction to my positive test, I told him excited and he was cold as anything.

From what you have said this sounds like a form of domestic abuse (psychological/emotional abuse) by your partner (abuse doesn't have to be physical to be abuse). For your own safety and mental health you need to get out of there ASAP. You can't make any rational decision while you are under the same roof as him.

Do you have any family at all that you can stay with? For the immediate period just find somewhere for you to think without him being in the vicinity, even if it's just a cafe until you contact someone such as family or a refuge service.

Are you UK based? If so try this website https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

purplediscolove · 16/07/2023 09:23

I’ve never scrolled as fast as I have down to the message section of a thread!!! Do not abort for anyone but yourself Simple he knew what he was doing and I went through this exact thing 10 years ago with my ex. I resented him for everything he was after he made me terminate for the second time. Do everything you want to do and forget about what he wants Even if that means doing it alone!! It’s hard but the best thing in the world being a parent. I’m 28 now with a 19 month old her dad is still a ass but he never once asked me to terminate.

LAMPS1 · 16/07/2023 09:26

I’m really sorry that such a cruel man exists OP.
In order not to remain his victim, (he is playing with your feelings for some toxic reason) you need to end the relationship once and for all, in such a way that he moves on and leaves you alone.
Do you feel strong enough to do that ? If you stay, the manipulation will ramp up.
Once you are away from him you will have much more clarity as to what you want to do about your pregnancy.
Only you can decide this time. Good luck.

LotsOfThingsToThinkAbout · 16/07/2023 09:29

@isthismylifenow
Earlier you said you hadn't had a period

Have you only taken one test?

I noticed that too but maybe OP changed some details ?? 🤷🏻‍♀️

SallyWD · 16/07/2023 09:30

He sounds horrible. I would keep the baby and get rid of him.

Original poster
Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 09:32

I had one period before taking the coil out and haven’t had one since. I’ve missed it and tested positive. Hope that clears up the details

OP posts:
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