Boyfriend wants an abortion

[Idontwantausernameplease]

Hi everyone,

I just found out I’m pregnant. Backstory is that I fell pregnant with my partner last year and he asked me to abort, I did and it was traumatic.

Fast forward a year, my OH and I were sitting down for dinner and he tells me he is ready for baby and if I would consider taking my coil out. I had not spoken about babies since our termination and thought it was completely off the cards for us. Naturally I was surprised but also felt this wow feeling that I really didn’t know existed inside me.

I agreed to have my coil out and scheduled it for a month later so I could really settle into the idea of letting it happen if it happened. i have not even had a single period before falling pregnant and now he’s said that he didn’t mean it and that he doesn’t want a baby, please could I consider getting rid of it.

All I have done since finding out a few days ago is cry at the fact that this is my body and to ask me again to go through the trauma of abortion again is just something I don’t think I can do.

He is saying to me that he’s not telling me to do it but I should consider what life would be like raising a baby alone. Bear in mind that this is not a new relationship, we have been together for five years and so the decision to have a baby with him felt natural and comfortable to me. I didn’t think that in a thousand years he would turn around and say he doesn’t want a baby after asking me to take my coil out and continuing to have sex without any contraception. I mean what did he expect would happen?

I feel completely blindsided and don’t know where to turn. I have typed this so quickly and I know I have probably left a lot of detail out. But I am desperate for someone to help me make sense of my emotions… I am dying inside.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. What do you want? Taking the toxicity away, do you see yourself with a baby? If so, you know what you have to do. I’ve had one baby where I had split with the partner and one with an amazing hands on dad. And I can tell you, they are both the same amount of work, and honestly you can do this on your own. If I can and I was admittedly lazy and selfish and useless before my first you can! If you want to do this, get your support system in place in the form of family and friends who will help you through the hard days. If you don’t see yourself with the baby, that’s also fine and you have to do what’s right for you. But honestly, I don’t think your relationship can survive! You deserve better xx

Do you think he did this on purpose as some sort of test of his control over you?

I don't think there is any repairing this relationship. Leave before it gets worse then make your own choice about terminating.

This is disturbing emotional abuse and you need to leave him as priority. If you decide to go ahead and keep the baby, I would strongly suggest you tell him you have aborted and not tell him your new address.

Either way your relationship is over

You can never trust him again

He's a cruel, manipulative, piece of shit

If you want the baby, keep it, but be realistic about doing it on your own and without any support (and maybe more manipulation and cruelty) from your ex.

I'm really sorry.

@Idontwantausernameplease Please keep the baby and pack your bags and move back home with your mum (if that’s possible) this man child is a waste of space and you can’t live your life being controlled! Take control back be strong 💪🏻 say to him I am keeping the baby that both of us wanted and I am moving out take care and thanks for F**k all!!
sending you love and strength ♥️

No way, why should she dance to his tune? He's a manipulative bastard.

He is a manipulative cruel person. Before anything else you get as far away as possible from him.
You are in your 30s. If you want to be a mother, and you can't face another termination, you keep the baby.
You'll be amazed what you can achieve. A mother is a powerful thing.
If you choose to go ahead do not put him on the birth certificate. Keep him well out of your life.

Yeah, no. Dude is not ignorant of the facts of life or of the contraceptive options available given he literally just asked you to cease using your existing method of contraception. The existence of his own sperm is not new and shocking news to him. If he didn't want pregnancy to be a possibility he needed to take responsibility for contraception and - no small point, this - he needed to not tell you he wanted to have a baby with you.

Don’t get me wrong. I do want to keep this baby, it’s mine and I made it with a heart of love that I was doing something good and not with any toxicity or ideas of trapping or keeping him.

I did it because my partner who I trusted made me feel safe and comforted me through it so I could put down the trauma of the last abortion and look forward to a future of a baby to complete us.

I was happy to not have another, I have an 18 year old and an 11 year old who I adore and adore me right back, they also love him.

I am no stranger to parenting on my own but when this was planned a certain way, of course I am confused and depressed that I feel as if I’ve done something wrong by being a healthy woman who can bear a child when there are many who aren’t as lucky.

yes I fell pregnant in the fastest time, no time at all. But it still isn’t my fault.

You need to do what's best for you and your kids sweetheart, fxxk him! He doesn't deserve someone as good as you♥️ I've been through an abortion myself last year and it absolutely traumatized me, the way your bf has cruelly made you believe he wanted a child with you then went back on his word is abusive and cruel, you need to leave him then decide what YOU want x

I believe that most abusers are not inherently bad people, which is why it can be so difficult for the person being abused to get their head around the behaviour.

However, op, ibam sorry yo say that this feels like very conscious manipulation designed to mess with your head. You have perhaps inadvertently landed up with another narcissist in your life.

You need to end it with this man and then decide about the baby.

Don’t do it. And get rid of him regardless. He’s not trustworthy and anyone who would put you through an experience you feel is traumatic doesn’t really love you.

I can't believe what I'm reading. What an actual scum bag. Get as far away from this man as you possibly can!

And don't you dare get rid of this baby if you want it.

How dare he treat you like this and do this to you all over again.

Do you have any support from family or friends?

Shit advice OP, ignore this.

You do what is right for YOU, no one else matters . And you wave goodbye to your partner, because he really doesn't deserve to be around you. He has no right to lead you on and be manipulative. As others say, if he doesn't want to be a father he uses a condom/gets the snip as appropriate.

That poster often crops up with similar ‘advice’.

He's abusive as fuck and by what you've written here he was getting a serious kick last year out of manipulating you into an unwanted abortion, checking you can forgive and making you say you will is like you've signed up to be a submissive in a sado-masochistic relationship without actually realising, pretending he wanted kids a year later and then saying he won't take care of it is giving him pleasure again.

It's like a drug to him, in his mind he has total control over you and is in charge or the master of you. Like people who get dogs to beat them, they enjoy the feeling of power it's like an aphrodisiac.

The world won't end if he leaves though and if you want this baby then fine you keep it. My dad was married to my mum, he made my life awful I was glad to get away. Having a father around isn't always a good thing.

Regardless of what you do with the baby he needs to go because abuse always escalates and this is the second time now, he's going to need more. Your 11 yo will be next, as they go through puberty and start to get independence it's a new victim to control when they try to assert independence.

Street angel, house devil.

That poster often crops up with similar ‘advice

@Hibiscrubbed oh right, one of those sorts, I get you!

Lol, Maddy70 is a MRA isn't he?

I don't know what kind of mind fucking games this man is trying to play with you but you need to get out of this relationship. This is the worst kind of abuse, he has intentionally gotten you to get pregnant again, convincing you that yous will be one big happy family, just to crush you again and manipulate into another abortion so he can watch you suffer all over again. In your position I would keep the baby, there's no way I would put myself through the trauma you experienced with your first abortion again.

Wow so unnecessarily rude. The poster just said that she should leave the bastard but also think twice about having a baby that will be connected to him for life - which I tend to agree with? If we all agree that the guy is actually a monster, why subject an innocent child to having him as a father? He could get visitation rights if he changes his mind about being involved and the poor kid would be part of his games. I would think twice about tethering myself and my unborn baby to someone like that as well. That doesn’t make anyone a “silly cow”.

It’s an awful situation to be in but who the baby’s father is and his attitude towards his unborn child should be a factor in any decision. It doesn’t mean they have a right to pressure you to do anything or that they have “a say” in you terminating, but it’s ignoring the elephant in the room to pretend it won’t be a big element of your child’s future life so it is something to consider carefully when weighing up your options.

I won’t lie. Being tethered to this man is also scary. It is also a huge factor for my confusion. As you all can imagine, I don’t know what is true anymore, my sense of self worth is 6 feet under and I am lost

You poor thing OP.

Regardless of what YOU choose to do about this pregnancy, you need to leave this monster of a man.

IMO, keeping the baby and staying with this man is not an option. I’m saying this because he sounds abusive, sounds to me like a form of coercive control, which is a crime. Please don’t bring another child into this environment if you choose to stay with him. And please really check if your 11 year old is safe.