Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants an abortion

237 replies

Idontwantausernameplease · 15/07/2023 22:36

Hi everyone,

I just found out I’m pregnant. Backstory is that I fell pregnant with my partner last year and he asked me to abort, I did and it was traumatic.

Fast forward a year, my OH and I were sitting down for dinner and he tells me he is ready for baby and if I would consider taking my coil out. I had not spoken about babies since our termination and thought it was completely off the cards for us. Naturally I was surprised but also felt this wow feeling that I really didn’t know existed inside me.

I agreed to have my coil out and scheduled it for a month later so I could really settle into the idea of letting it happen if it happened. i have not even had a single period before falling pregnant and now he’s said that he didn’t mean it and that he doesn’t want a baby, please could I consider getting rid of it.

All I have done since finding out a few days ago is cry at the fact that this is my body and to ask me again to go through the trauma of abortion again is just something I don’t think I can do.

He is saying to me that he’s not telling me to do it but I should consider what life would be like raising a baby alone. Bear in mind that this is not a new relationship, we have been together for five years and so the decision to have a baby with him felt natural and comfortable to me. I didn’t think that in a thousand years he would turn around and say he doesn’t want a baby after asking me to take my coil out and continuing to have sex without any contraception. I mean what did he expect would happen?

I feel completely blindsided and don’t know where to turn. I have typed this so quickly and I know I have probably left a lot of detail out. But I am desperate for someone to help me make sense of my emotions… I am dying inside.

OP posts:
MammaTo · 16/07/2023 08:20

Leave him now!!

Take some time to decide what you want to do about the baby. This is just my personal opinion but I wouldn’t like to raise a baby alone without a partner.

But you need to get rid of the boyfriend either way.

RedHelenB · 16/07/2023 08:20

Whether you keep the baby or nor you so need to end this relationship.

twigy100 · 16/07/2023 08:20

Op he is gas lighting you, if you had no period you won't know your exact dates until you have had a dating scan there is no way he knows which time he got you pregnant. It's a form of emotional abuse and you deserve so much better

C1N1C · 16/07/2023 08:21

Wow, this is sick!

Billybagpuss · 16/07/2023 08:22

You need some space away from him, is there anywhere you can go today? Parents or a friend, or even a travel lodge. It is your body, he has no say in this, it’s very clear from your posts you do not want to abort, so start your planning from there, mn is a great place to start with that and to help you find your strength. You can do this. 💐

Hiddenvoice · 16/07/2023 08:22

He’s ultimately blaming you for this. He knows he was stupid but it’s apparently your fault because you wanted sex. He is completely manipulating you! He’s going to start blaming you for the abortion as it’s your fault you got pregnant.

Whatever happens here, you need to start thinking of a life without this man. You don’t want to tell people how toxic he really is out of being the talk of everyone but really you’re afraid to tell people the truth. He’s made you feel worried about what people think.

Please contact women’s aid, please seek some support and take some time away from him. He is blindsiding you making it hard for you to think about what you want!

FairAcre · 16/07/2023 08:23

Please don’t abort your innocent baby to please this man. You might think you won’t manage but believe me you will. Tell him you’ve decided to go ahead and be strong. You really are better off without him. Mumsnet posters are here to support you. Take one day at a time.

Mehmeh22 · 16/07/2023 08:25

You really need to get away from this man for you to be able to think straight...even if it is a hotel for a few nights. He's being very manipulative and you cannot stay with him long term that is for sure

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/07/2023 08:26

Tell him he can have a termination the minute he can get pregnant.

If you want the baby op keep it, but please do this as a single parent as your bf is awful. Being a single parent can be tough but it's also a wonderful thing. I have a lovely bond with my dd, one that is so much stronger than I'll ever have with a man. If you want this baby and you thing it'll likely be your last chance then go for it. Your bf isn't one on a million but your baby will immeasurable

StopStartStop · 16/07/2023 08:26

asking me to terminate again. He said he’s sorry for being so stupid he’s so sorry he’s so stupid. he should never have said or done it, we weren’t supposed to have sex that night but I was the one who wanted it

He is abusing you. Mentally and emotionally. He is being horribly cruel. See it. See him for who he is.

daisychain01 · 16/07/2023 08:27

Please get rid of this absolute vile individual, do it today, you owe him nothing, not even an explanation.

if you stay with him, you can look forward to this level of manipulation and worse ongoing and for the rest of the time you keep him in your life. It that really what you want?

youtwoandme · 16/07/2023 08:28

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. If it were me, I'd get rid of him and I'd terminate the pregnancy. Only because I'd want to get him out of my life for good. If he disowns the baby, there's nothing to say he won't come back wanting contact months/years down the line and you can't stop that if he takes it to court.

He's toxic, manipulative and if he cared for you would have never put you in this position.
Just remember the choice is completely yours to make.

doozledog · 16/07/2023 08:32

Goodness me what a piece of shit, is he enjoying putting you through it. Keep the baby, fuck him off. Oh and don't put him on the birth citificate that way hes not got PR for later in the line if he decided he wants in, which is doubtful

Summerishere123 · 16/07/2023 08:34

Wow, this is soo manipulative it is unreal. He told you he wanted a baby and has "changed his mind". He is torturing you and enjoying it. Playing mind games and making you think you can't cope without him. But you can, you will.

sodthesodoff · 16/07/2023 08:36

I'm so sorry

To be honest what has this made you think of him? For me the way he's treated you would mean whatever happened I would be single.

He has been fucking awful to you. This is the true him.

So if that's one decision made then you can consider whether you want to do

But he's an abusive prick. And once he's not dripping poison in your ear you might find it easier to make your decision Flowers

Yeahno · 16/07/2023 08:36

Where the fuck is your anger for yourself and the child you are carrying.

thehistorymum · 16/07/2023 08:37

Get as far as you can away from him. Please OP.

WilkinsonM · 16/07/2023 08:38

Idontwantausernameplease · 16/07/2023 08:17

asking me to terminate again. He said he’s sorry for being so stupid he’s so sorry he’s so stupid. he should never have said or done it, we weren’t supposed to have sex that night but I was the one who wanted it. I feel sick

What night? You remove your coil at his suggestion, you could have got pregnant any number of times.
He is being so cruel it's breathtaking. I hope you realise this is relationship ending stuff whether you keep the pregnancy or not?

Etoile41 · 16/07/2023 08:38

What an awful, awful man. He pressured you into an abortion last night and is doing it again despite the fact that he asked you to come off birth control to have a baby. Disgusting.

LTB asap and have your baby, which you clearly want.
Good luck x

Theunamedcat · 16/07/2023 08:40

He sounds like an abortion fetishist run as fast as you can

LooseInTheCity · 16/07/2023 08:40

This guy is an absolute bastard. Can you get away from him physically so you have some time and space to think?

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Whatever you do about your pregnancy, don’t listen to another word this man says. He doesn’t love you or have your best interests at heart. His opinion doesn’t count.

isthismylifenow · 16/07/2023 08:41

OP I am so sorry, and I'm also sorry to say this is one of the most heartbreaking posts I have read on here.

How the fuck does he think it's OK to be using you as a test incubator, like having a baby is some trial of let's see how I feel when it happens. If I'm not OK then it's OK, I'll get her to abort. She did it once, so meh, what is the issue? This is what his thought process is!

You cannot stay with this man OP. I am quite sure that the first step of leaving him, is going to help a lot with your mental health.

Then you decide what YOU want to do about the baby.

But you cannot stay with this man.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 16/07/2023 08:41

OP, I agree with all pp that you must leave this man. He is not a good person and you deserve so so so much better. I can tell you from personal experience that, terrifying as it is, once you leave him life without an abuser is so much better, you can think so much more clearly, and you will be so much stronger without his poison being dropped into your ears daily. Nothing he says is right or true - honestly - no matter how convincing he is and no matter how he makes you feel. He is a liar and a scumbag.

It is very sad about your sister and how isolated you are from friends, but there is support out there for women in your situation, even if they have no one at all of family or friends to turn to. It is very common for women in abusive relationships to have no one and feel even more trapped because of it.

Please make an appointment with your GP and explain to them what is happening. They will be able to signpost you to local women's organisations who can support you, and help you with the practicalities of leaving this piece of shit man.

I know that it feels like you can't do things alone - but that is his voice in your head making you feel that way. Truly it is. These horrible men are good at what they do, they wheedle their dreadful destructiveness right into your brain and leave it there doing its work even when they are not with you. But we are powerful, and with support you can beat it and drive it out.

I left an abusive man and now raise 4 dc alone, 2 with disabilities. He spent years telling me id trapped him, id got pregnant on purpose, it was all my decision and so I had to do all the work, I wouldn't cope without him, id lose the children if I tried to raise them alone. None of it was true and it was easier without him there.

If you have a manager or HR person at work who you trust you could also speak to them about what is happening. They may be very supportive.

I'm so so sorry this is happening. You deserve so so much better, and you can have so much better, without this terrible man who is just a thorn in your side. Flowers

ZickZack · 16/07/2023 08:41

There's two separate issues here, op.

  1. Your baby. Your body. Do you want to keep the baby? Keep it. It won't be easy but if it's what you really want, make a plan and see if you can make it work (not taking the sperm donor into consideration at all).
  1. Your relationship. abortion or not, I think you know deep down this relationship is over. He's a horrible horrible human being, and whether YOU decide to keep the baby or not, you will be far better off on your own. Please get rid. Then make a decision about point 1.

Two separate issues, op.

AutieNOT0tie · 16/07/2023 08:42

He's abusive. Tomorrow speak to a women's charity and ask for help/advice. Figure out how to leave.