Boyfriend wants an abortion

[Idontwantausernameplease]

Hi everyone,

I just found out I’m pregnant. Backstory is that I fell pregnant with my partner last year and he asked me to abort, I did and it was traumatic.

Fast forward a year, my OH and I were sitting down for dinner and he tells me he is ready for baby and if I would consider taking my coil out. I had not spoken about babies since our termination and thought it was completely off the cards for us. Naturally I was surprised but also felt this wow feeling that I really didn’t know existed inside me.

I agreed to have my coil out and scheduled it for a month later so I could really settle into the idea of letting it happen if it happened. i have not even had a single period before falling pregnant and now he’s said that he didn’t mean it and that he doesn’t want a baby, please could I consider getting rid of it.

All I have done since finding out a few days ago is cry at the fact that this is my body and to ask me again to go through the trauma of abortion again is just something I don’t think I can do.

He is saying to me that he’s not telling me to do it but I should consider what life would be like raising a baby alone. Bear in mind that this is not a new relationship, we have been together for five years and so the decision to have a baby with him felt natural and comfortable to me. I didn’t think that in a thousand years he would turn around and say he doesn’t want a baby after asking me to take my coil out and continuing to have sex without any contraception. I mean what did he expect would happen?

I feel completely blindsided and don’t know where to turn. I have typed this so quickly and I know I have probably left a lot of detail out. But I am desperate for someone to help me make sense of my emotions… I am dying inside.

He's deliberately messing with your head OP. Whether he's just a sick fuck who's a bit bored or he's just checking he's fertile.

Whatever you choose, you must lose the bloke. He doesn't love you in the way you need. He'll mess with your mental health on a grand scale.

Why has he changed his mind? I think that’s “let’s be smart about this” left the room when he said he wanted a baby.

He’s gas lighting you. He’s abusing you. Contact women’s aid. You want a baby. You took the coil out because he said so…. You’ve done nothing wrong.

If you have the baby don’t put his name in the birth cert- either way leave him. He doesn’t love you, you’re a toy.

Op yours posts are so upsetting. You’ve been with this man for five years and it sounds like he doesn’t care at all. He knows exactly what you went through before but has disregarded it and wants you to go through it again.

Has he explained why he has had the sudden change of heart?

I know you say if you have the baby you feel he won’t let you live a peaceful life, why is that?
My worry is you abort and are stuck with this manipulative person who thinks they can tell you to do whatever they like.

whatever you do, do not abort the baby right now. Take some time to think about what you want in life. I know your job is demanding but things can change and be adapted. Do you have any family or friends that can support you?
Honestly, I would take a break from this man and take some time to think about what you want, away from his nagging and abusive behaviour. He’s making hou doubt yourself and feel weak. He’s talking you into thinking you will struggle but honestly you will struggle to have a happy life with him In it. If he doesn’t want to be a dad then so what, right now I can’t see any loss to your life and think you’d be do much happier without him.

I guess I came here because I was scared and a lot has happened in recent years that has nothing to do with him but my narc of a sister managed to brainwash all of my friends against me, so I have very few people to turn to.

Im really scared that if I abort and run from this man, then the trauma will end me. That’s one scenario. The abortion last year was traumatic, he spent the whole 4 days that it took to happen asking me if I could forgive him for this while I cried. Stopped eating, didn’t sleep, but yet had to go to work and put on a really brave face. I ended up losing the baby down the toilet at work. the pain that caused me mentally and physically is something I have not even recovered from but yet I can’t tell him that

I can keep the baby and try and find a way, but the way my head is feeling today is just that’s a bad idea for the baby. He says “is it right to bring a baby here when its dad won’t take care of it?” He’s terrified me into thinking that this is the impossible

other than these two options, sad to say that my suicidal thoughts have made a horrible return. Either way that I turn I’m the one that loses everything.

He sounds like a manipulative piece of shit to me. Reading your update about how the abortion affected you mentally, it makes me wonder if he liked that, perhaps you depended on him more and he felt in control of you in some way. Because to ask you to remove your coil in order to try for a baby, then have sex, and then change his mind when you get pregnant, seems like someone who likes to control. I'm wondering if you were finally in a good place mentally after the abortion when he suggested all this? And this is his way of mentally bringing you back down. Now he has painted a lonely picture for you if you keep the baby which of course won't be the case at all. You need to erase him from your decision making. He doesn't get a say anymore at all. For me, the relationship would be over anyway.

From where I'm sitting, the relationship is over. How would you ever be able to trust any plans you make with him for your lives, if he's just going to randomly pull the rug out from under you whenever he feels like it? And this is not someone who's holding your feelings and wellbeing with care and thoughtfulness, because if he were he a) wouldn't have put you in this position in the first place and b) would be actually listening to you now, rather than being a manipulative fuck. He 'doesn't want you to struggle'? He can fuck off all the way into the sun with that.

I am a solo parent by choice - which I know is a very different proposition to being treated so badly by someone you thought was your partner in life - and I want you to know that it's very possible to have a baby alone and it not be a dreadful struggle. For it to be wonderful, in fact - hard, yes, but very possible. I hear your worry about how he might behave in future, but ultimately you get to choose what future path you want to take now. He doesn't own the future.

If you have the means to do so, I would really encourage you to seek some therapy around your situation. He is not a neutral or trustworthy person to be able to help you process your feelings right now. Alternatively, do you have a trusted friend or family member you could talk to about this? He's fogging everything up for you and it's no wonder you're having an incredibly difficult time.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. Sending you every good thought for finding your future path.

Ffs you can't just 'put someone's name on the birth certificate'

The Op won't have a name on its birth certificate unless he agrees to sign (they aren't married)

I really really hope you can walk away from him, and soon. He sounds sick in the head and just awful.

If he doesn't want to have a baby with you, but still wants to have sex with you, he needs to have the snip and/or use protection.

Please ditch this man and do whatever you want to do with your pregnancy x

He's a bastard, plain and simple.

There are millions of single mums in the UK who manage to be absolutely fantastic. I know several and they've said it's easier single parenting than when they had to worry about a rubbish man too. You could be one of them if you want to.

First things first, I'd suggest you get some space to get him out of your head. This is your decision alone.

Please contact women’s aid, they will support you! You don’t have to lose everything, maybe just lose the idiot boyfriend. He’s convinced you that brining a baby into the world who doesn’t have an active father in their life is a bad thing but so many children grow up in single parent families and thrive! You never know, down the line you might meet someone who loves you and your child. Your life isn’t over if you have this baby. Your life with your partner is over no matter what happens here. If you abort then you will never forgive him or trust him again. You’ll be stuck in a relationship suffering. If you have the baby he leaves but you’ll have the greatest love with your child.

Todau your head is a mess but you don’t have to make a choice today. Please seek some help, talk to someone in real life and let them know what’s going on.
You say your friends have turned against you but try reach out and see what happens!

Each update is heartbreaking op. You say that your suicidal thoughts have returned so please make it a priority to contact The Samaritans for help. Can you get away from him for a bit, to clear your head.

For everyone that’s saying that my posts are heartbreaking, believe me I’m heartbroken and writing just the pure truth here because I can.

I really don’t have any friends that I can turn to and I’ve never told anyone how I’ve been treated by this guy. They all think he’s an angel and a great guy. I’d rather keep it that way than be the topic of conversation because everyone likes a bit of drama, I’d rather just keep my head down

I know I don’t have to abort today. You know, he even said “the longer you wait the harder it is, remember?” I feel sick that this is all happening

it really is manipulation isn’t it?

@frankienotontonight Let me more explicit. 🙄
Don’t let him go with you when (if you keep this child) you get the birth registered, he will likely exert pressure on you to have his name on the birth certificate, as he will then have parental rights.

it really is manipulation isn’t it?

Yep. But being able to see that is such a huge thing in helping you to get clarity on what you want to do.

He os deeply unkind and your relationship with him is not healthy. I would try and take control. Sit down and work out how you would manage this alone, look at everything including any benefits you may get. Then you will be armed and ready to say actually i can do this alone and I will. It sounds as if you want this baby. Remove him from the conversation and focus on yourself.

Yes. His baby that he ASKED her to try for, willingly tried for and now it exists says...er actually nah I don't want one. That's not how it works. You're not on board, don't ask to start TTC. Don't try and control another person's body and emotions.

Don't just leave. Run. As far and as fast as you can.

If you want to keep the baby you will find a way to cope. People do. If you don't that's equally fine too.

But don't waste another second on this emotional manipulator

Regardless of what you do about the pregnancy, you should leave this cruel, manipulative bastard right away.

And after that, if you can face a termination, consider it because you don't want to be tied to him forever.

If you need to talk to someone, DM me. No judgement ever, whatever you feel you need to do.

Decide how you feel about having the baby (leave him out of this thought process). You say you have a good job so consider whether you can have a baby, sort childcare and pay living costs on your own. Don't factor in any maintenance or anything. If you get any, bonus. If you decide you are not in a place to give this baby the life you think you should be giving it, then consider your options from there.

Either way, run from this man. Fast and far.

Whatever you decide, please don't spend the rest of your life with him. You deserve someone you can trust.

What are your living arrangements?

I'd ask him to leave immediately, block him and then take some time to make the decision free from his manipulation and malevolent presence.

I'm sorry you're going though this.

'It's his baby too' doesn't count here. He's playing with you. You had a termination. He knows it was traumatic for you. He set you up to do it again.

asking me to terminate again. He said he’s sorry for being so stupid he’s so sorry he’s so stupid. he should never have said or done it, we weren’t supposed to have sex that night but I was the one who wanted it. I feel sick

Who owns the home? Can you just leave? Could he get aggressive if you refuse to abort? If you do abort what if he does the same thing again?