Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

[Pippin18]

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

I was replying to the point of another poster. How about you get off your high horse and get your facts right before lashing out at others. You are not contributing anything at all to this discussion.

I don't think that OP had the mirena coil it's something like 99.8 percent effective. One of the most effective forms of contraception. I don't know anyone who doubles up , I'm sure he will be getting a vasectomy. I'm adamant I don't want anymore DC , I would abort and not tell my DH about it if I had a unplanned pregnancy because I had to do most of the child rearing in the early days, my career took the hit. The thought makes me sick but I can do something about it , the dh has no decision in the matter. If he's an involved father who takes on a lot of the load it's going to effect him too.

How he's behaving is vile but I understand it, I would be very distressed if it happened to me. He needs to book a vasectomy so it doesn't happen again.
He should go for counselling or to his parents. I think he will come around it's shock.

This - with bells on.
Get angry OP
And then get him to duck out your life. Useless prick.

Where did this 'doubling up' comment come from? No one suggested she double up. Just that she wouldn't have needed contraception if he had the vasectomy.

Oh you poor thing. I was you 20 years ago. We already had 2 boys although they were much younger than yours. My DH was absolutely adamant he didn't want a 3rd. I considered an abortion but changed my mind. I had a miserable pregnancy, DH improved and said oh well, we'll love it anyway but made it clear he wasn't happy. Our beautiful DD arrived and we never looked back. We feel so guilty that she was unplanned and initially unwanted. We all adore her and I love having 3 DC. I do remember those early pregnancy days, I have got past those hurtful words from DH. He is sorry. He was under a huge amount of stress at the time but it's not really an excuse. He did nip off for the snip very promptly after that! I can't offer any advice as only you know what is best for your family. Big big hugs to you and I hope you have a happy ending to this xx

He definitely sounds abusive OP. I can’t imagine a man that speaks to you like this is usually nice in other ways, I can’t imagine he sees you as his best friend, friends don’t say things like this nevermind best friends. Even if he is usually ‘nice’ I would not let him get away with speaking to you like you’re a POS and would put me right off. I would get some counselling alone without him to evaluate this relationship. This has to be one of the worst/chilling things I’ve read on here for a while. Btw I am very pro choice but it has to be the woman’s choice.

100%. He is the one who got OP pregnant. This is 100% on him, all his fault, no one else. If he had the vasectomy it wouldn't have happened. He should be most angry at himself because his cowardice/laziness caused this.

A colleague was told from puberty that she was very unlikely to get pregnant. By some miracle she became pregnant in her thirties Her boyfriend gave her the ultimatum it’s me or the baby.

reluctantly she had an abortion. He left her 6 months later.
Make the right choice for you OP . Don’t listen to his threats and abuse

@Sunshine0x it's very, very effective, yes. But I know 7 children born on it (no abortions - their choice). 99.8 isn't 100. 0.2 difference in a population of millions is huge...

I just want to know why I know so many because 7 is way above average 🤣

I am sorry OP you are in this position.
A baby is a wonderful thing.
Your husband appears to have mental health problems if he can threaten to kill himself and deprive your current children of their father. This behaviour is not rational. I assume he is in good health other than this? No sane, decent person would want to leave their children fatherless. I would be very angry. He needs to grow up and man up. Yes you have another baby on the way but you are not poor, ill or homeless.
Have you still got your parents? Brothers? My family would have boxed his ears. Confide in them. He needs to see a psychologist and get his concerns out and his commitment back.
If you want to stay with him a huge apology is required. Personally I would have kicked him in his special plums a long time ago!

OP, I rally think your marriage is over. Even if he comes round to loving the baby, you will never forget the way he has behaved and treated you when you are your most vulnerable. He created this baby as much as you did, he can’t complain.

As others have said, take back control. You sound very capable and “on it” so know you can do this by yourself. I agree with others who say he needs to go right now as well. You need to be able to plan for the baby’s arrival and you won’t be able to do this whilst treading on eggshells around him. Sort out what maintenance he needs to pay and go it alone. Look after you, your boys and the baby as they will all need one strong parent they can rely on.

Tell man-child to fuck off. What he is offering is impossible to live with so he needs to go. Good luck with the pregnancy.

What a vile creature he is. If he was so against having another child he should have gotten the snip. YOU didn't ruin his life, he had a part in this pregnancy as well.

What an arse piece he is!

If he had said he was scared about finances or even that he was concerned he'd struggle to love the baby as he should due to resentment/pressure, then you'd have something to work with. Unfortunately he's said if you go ahead with the pregnancy he'll punish you and the baby (and your boys indirectly). If you abort the pregnancy he'll punish you. The only way you can 'win' this one is to take ownership and control. No, you won't be punished. Sadly I think the only answer here is divorce. The trust and support (for better, for worse) that your marriage was based on has gone.
Start proceedings now. Don't be persuaded to 'wait and see' what happens. Take back control. Each time he gives an opinion or talks about the 'consequences' either say 'No, I shan't be living like that' or 'I'll let you know what I decide'.
If your OH has a general 'controlling' nature be mindful that pregnancy is an accelerant for domestic abuse. Get your ducks in a row (eg gather financial evidence/NI number for Child Support etc) then hit him with your response.
It's going to be a tough journey. I wish you luck.

This is on him. If he was so adamant another child would be so awful he should have had a vasectomy years ago. He didn’t. You took the measures you could to prevent pregnancy. He did nothing to prevent it.

His reaction to this is selfish, childish, spiteful, and downright abusive. There’s no chance living as a family with him having nothing to do with the baby would work.

My partner and I got pregnant accidentally fairly early in our relationship (so a different situation) due to contraception failure. I (stupidly) apologised for it. He told me not to be ridiculous and to never apologise, we both had sex and it’s both our responsibility.

Anyway, you know all of this so I’ll just say I’m sorry your DH is being a selfish arsehole. I wish you and your lovely children all the best. You’ve got this.

Not just for that reason. I could never be intimate with someone like that again for any reason.

I know of quite a few families especially with much older children who get a surprise pregnancy and naturally most people are initially shocked.

Your DH’s reactions and words are awful though.

Sorry you are dealing with this op.

For me the relationship would be over. There is no real comeback for either of you. I couldn't be with someone who resented their own child.

I think it's ok for him not to want another child same as it's ok for a woman not to want another child. But his treatment of you is totally awful. He is your husband and should be supportive. I agree with having counselling to talk this through.

If he is verbally abusing you kick the fucker out. You'd be better off on your own than with him mistreating you. And it might make him come to his senses. I hope you can speak to your midwife? Xx

I'm sorry OP he's being abusive and vile. I wouldn't trust him near the baby - I wouldn't trust him not to shake the baby in frustration. Its not safe for you or your child to be around a man who is so angry.

Like the others are saying tell him to leave. Get your support network set up and get a lawyer. You can't live with someone treating you this way, he's being toxic about the baby and it will be hugely damaging for everyone involved including your sons.

This happened to a friend of mine, they had a couple of older children 10 & 12 when she got accidentally pregnant with her third. Her husband behaved in exactly the same way as yours. She stayed because she felt she had to, she hadn’t worked for years but couldn’t bring herself to have an abortion. Her husband made her life hell, and that only got worse when it became apparent their little boy had some additional learns needs. I didn’t see him talk to that child once in his first 15 years, kid would walk into the room, he’d either ignore him or walk out. It was just horrible and abusive, and I have no idea why my friend put up with it.

Unsurprisingly that poor boy developed all sorts of MH issues, and got kicked out of school with no qualifications. He’s now in his 30s, his mother has died, his father has zero interest and he just about scrapes by sofa surfing as he has no family support.

Don’t let your husband behave like this to an innocent child, he’s already talking crap to your older two which will influence their view of their sibling. He’s not your best friend, he’s behaving like an asshole who’s going nuclear to get his own way. I think your marriage is over either way, you are never going to look at him the same way.

Three things OP

1. Please ask him to leave even if only for a while. You need a break from being his emotional punch bag & your kids don't need his negativity towards the new baby.

2.Has he had a vasectomy yet? I'd be pointing out he should be doing that if he feels this strongly 3.I would never ever ever have sex with him again.

I'm trying so hard to be kind. But I despise him and am FURIOUS son your behalf. Your marriage imho is over.

So he’s a shit father, didn’t help with the babies or children, still doesn’t, brings in less than you financially and is behaving like this over a third pregnancy he did nothing to prevent?

You’ll feel sad, that’s understandable, but this man is currently no loss at all.

I’ve only read your opening post and all I could think was that your husband sounds like a total vile human being, just awful. Nasty piece of work and a total shit!!!

I very rarely say LTB but I cannot believe you would even consider staying with him.

Keep your baby and make a new life for yourself, your sons and the baby. Your sons will soon see him for the awful man he is when they question why he doesn’t want anything to do with their new baby brother or sister.

I could never, ever get over this. Who the hell does he think he is?

People’s behaviours rarely shock me when I read threads in Mumsnet, but your husband is being incredibly, incredibly cruel. In fact I don’t even know what words I can to use to describe him fully because nothing seems bad enough.

You and all your children deserve better than this.

I’m gob smacked- I truly am.

Im going to go back and read the thread now in the hope something you say will shine a different, and positive light on the matter and he’ll have realised what a bastard he was…..but I won’t hold my breath.

Can you put advance provision in place that someone else will have care of the baby if anything happens to you?