Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

[Pippin18]

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

I understand he doesn't want a third but his behaviour is appalling. I would be repulsed by him.

I would also NEVER have sex with him ever again incase something else failed and you got pregnant again.

He's a scumbag, OP. Kick him out, and take him to the cleaners.

I'd ask him to leave.

He's behaving appallingly.

It's not your fault you got pregnant. It was a joint effort and he needs to take responsibility.

Does he want to lose the older two boys? Because he has to realise that if he carries on like this they will grow up despising him. Is that what he really wants?

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I do think he’s being horrible but at the same time it sounds like you had a good relationship before so for people to say kick him out is just not right. Personally I think he will come around and all of this is just the shock talking. Shock can cause people to behave in ways that they wouldn’t. You should definitely lay into him about his behaviour but at the same time try and be understanding about his feelings as this may help him instead of him being disregarded. I know people who have had unplanned pregnancies with existing husbands and kids and it always works out in a good way. Yes the early days of sleepless nights is a killer but once that subsides you wouldn’t have it any other way. Also just another note that your 2 DS are very close in age and you were both in your 20s so he’s probably thinking back to them days. However after having my first in my early 20s then second in my 30s the difference was massive in coping and you will just have 1 this time. You will also be surprised at how much your 2 DS will help out like playing with the baby while you are making tea or for things like just watching the baby while you nip upstairs to grab something etc. Honestly just them little things is such a big help with a baby. Stay strong I think you will both get through this ❤️

Does he have form for being abusive? Because he IS ABUSIVE and you are in an abusive relationship.

Sometimes life doesn't work out how we plan. Both of you made this child together it's both of your responsibility. It's disgusting he thinks he can bully you into doing what he wants. I understand deciding what to do it's a difficult decision but the way he's behaved is terrible. I'm not sure I could forgive that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. He is being a massive cunt, bullyinng you to abort, threatening suicide, weaponising his parenting and scapegoating his unborn baby. I would not be able to even look at him.

Worse then having a baby that will potentially be resented and feel like a black sheep all it’s life?

I think it’s a shitty situation all round and nobody is to blame but either outcome is potentially going to be harmful to someone. I feel like there’s no right answer to this for the OP.

He's probably massively in shock it's no excuse though. Your DC are out of nappies and gaining more independence. He probably thought he was done with babies and toddlers. A mirena usually is very effective, if I were him I'd be booking for the snip today. I'd be devastated if I was pregnant but I can do something about it he can't he has to go along with your decisions. He's being vile and he needs to know that but he's allowed to be upset about how life is going to change.

Guys, try to remember not to bully her here. She's going through enough, and until now was probably happy with this guy, her children and life.

Anything she does, needs to be her decision, not ours/ yours.

The mans behavior clearly isn't good - there's no way to contest it lol, but she also has children and a life with him, and is trying to digest her life.

Please say a little kinder. x

He doesn't want to share you? He's revolting. Get rid- of him.

You need to do what's right for you. That's the most important thing.

From the way you're describing it this does sound like it's completely out of character for him - and this has thrown you, as it would anyone. But if he won't get help or discuss it rationally I can't see how you can find out what's lying behind it. The only specific thing that could go 'wrong' that you've mentioned he's said is about "What if it's disabled?" - has he got it into his head that the risk of this is likely?

Are there any men's support options locally for men of his age that are a lighter option than a counsellor that he might be persuaded to reach out to, or that you could reach out to on is behalf?

I’m not saying he’s a victim but I can imagine when you feel like you’re getting your life back after having 2 little ones the idea of a third must be a big shock. The victim is going to be the new baby.

I don’t know many people who would double up on the coil plus a vasectomy, but that’s just my personal experience.

It’s a shit situation for everyone involved but you’re potentially going to have a baby that will always be resented by dad and mum will always know how he feels about the poor kid.

He has taken control of this period of time and it is making you unwell as well as deeply distressed. This needs to be stopped in its tracks. He cannot continue being a disgusting bully who is being allowed to express vile opinions in the name of 'feeling unhappy about the pregnancy'. He doesn't want to 'share you' - well fuck him. You are not a possession.

I don't know what your communication is like when you are in disagreement, so if you need to write it in a letter and show him - do that. If he will listen calmly and actually hear you, then you might not need to write it down.

But make sure that he understands the following:

• You are pregnant. There will be a third child that will be loved and treated like the first two children.

• You will not tolerate any negativity towards an unborn child or yourself

• Any minute now, he will not have a family to be spiteful to. He will not have a loving wife to bully and he will not be in a full time father role to his DS because you are so DISGUSTED by his current behaviour that you are considering leaving him.

• ThE DS WILL be picking up on his attitude towards the baby and the fact that your DS know that this baby is unwanted by him, is something you don't think you will be able to forgive.

So he needs to do whatever he needs to do to sort himself out. Counselling, a few days to himself, but from this point on, he behaves like a husband and father or fucks off.

I am FURIOUS for you.

He's vile, but despite everyone saying baby will be hated most PP who have gone througuvtue same thing said he came around in the end.

As soon as he said that he would continue to care for the older two but have no interaction with the baby is when I would have kicked him out. That is not healthy for any of your kids. I'd be making it clear that he is either a parent to all his children or none of them.

Send him to his mum's and start preparing to be a single parent of three as he is a dick and what he has said and done can't be come back from.

This happened to my friend and marriage limped on for 8 years until they split.
Honestly - I think you are better off separating because then your husband has to make a conscious choice to come back into the family. This crack in your relationship is so large that paper overing it will just create more pain in the long run.

The baby won't be resented by it's mother or siblings.

Her husband got her pregnant, he is solely to blame.

I don’t know many people who would double up on the coil plus a vasectomy, but that’s just my personal experience.

There is NO NEED to double up. If he had a vasectomy, OP wouldn't need the coil.

The age difference between your children and mine would be exactly the same if you have the baby. It really does work and the older two were brilliant with their little brother. My husband was adamant he didn’t want a third but he has a fantastic relationship with him . In fact he is probably the child he has the most shared interests with.
Hopefully it’s just the shock that is talking and he will come round to the idea.🌺

So basically he’s telling you to have an abortion or he won’t have anything to do with you or baby again. That’s a whole new level of blackmail, yet he’s your ‘best friend’? He’s not your best friend, he’s an abusive, manipulative idiot.
Do you really want to be with someone who is trying to control you like that? If he doesn’t get his own way he’s going to make yours and baby’s life a misery?
Leave him.

Couples choose specific contraception options for a variety of different reasons. Get off your high horse.

Some people here are trying to contribute to this thread with experience of healthy adult relationships and in a positive fashion with the aim of trying to help the OP. You are not of them.

I wouldn't have anything to do with him after all that. Another stupid, vile man who refuses to take any responsibility for his penis. Put him in the bin where he belongs.

Attempting to coerce you into having an abortion you dont want and threatening suicide if you don't is abusive. Does he threaten suicide if he doesn't get his own way a lot because it is a recognized characteristics of an abuser trying to control a situation/ person?