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Original poster

Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

437 replies

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 00:07

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 07/06/2023 08:01

Highfivemum · 07/06/2023 07:38

One of my school mum friends had exactly this with her DH. He was so settled with his two other DC a that he could not see a third and was not nice at all to my friend. He didn’t go to the first scans at all and left her alone in her pregnancy. Gradually though he came round and she had another little DB. He is the most amazing dad to him. Yes he was wrong and yes he deserved to be kicked out but it turned around for them. Everyone copes differently. Some of us accepts situations quicker than others. In no way am I saying he isn’t wrong as he is and words can never be taken back but if he is normally a great DH and a great DF I would be inclined to see what happened. Just another spin on it. Good luck and I wish you a happy healthy baby

Did he feel shame and disgust at his vile attitude I wonder. The problem for me would be that those words and that attitude, same as OP’s husband (no DH for him) would make me despise him and I could never look at him the same way. Once I’ve gone cold on someone it’s never coming back.

HikerMum · 07/06/2023 08:02

Could you really stay with a man who tries to bully you into a termination? Or emotionally abuses you and alienates you within the family if you keep the baby.

Either way he has put a nail through
the heart of your marriage.

No amount of being anxious about a 3rd child would make a good husband and decent father behave like this.

I would think about what you want and stop feeling guilty immediately. Definitely stop pandering and walking on egg shells if that’s the dynamic that’s going on.

spudulike1 · 07/06/2023 08:04

I can't see how this relationship is salvageable. That poor little baby will grow up knowing/feeling it is unwanted by its dad. Get away from him

sIowhand · 07/06/2023 08:04

What a massive cunt

berksandbeyond · 07/06/2023 08:06

I would leave him. And I’d tell everyone exactly why. What a shitebag

OldTinHat · 07/06/2023 08:08

My DSis found herself in this same situation, the only difference is her DH is 10yrs older than her.

He got a vasectomy booked the day she told him she was pregnant with no.3 and accepted he was as part of this as she was.

He didn't want the baby, she couldn't bear to abort. Said baby is now 15 and he adores her and did the minute she was born. They're still very married!

DogInATent · 07/06/2023 08:08

Until three weeks ago neither of you wanted a third child. Not many couples double-up on contraception, so the vasectomy comments from PP aren't making any useful contributions here.

He is being utterly unreasonable not to have adjusted to the idea at least to the point where the histrionics stop and he can hold a rational discussion about it. Is there something either you're not saying or that he's not said to you? - are finances tight already? Is his job secure? When he says he doesn’t want to share you again was there something in particular about the early years period for one or both of your sons? (I'm guessing they're now both just settled in primary school).

He needs counselling, or at least some form of support. I can't help thinking that this is just a trigger point and not the underlying cause of his reaction.

trulyunruly01 · 07/06/2023 08:12

I don't think I could ever reconcile myself to having my baby and still being with someone who had said such awful things and behaved in such a terrible way. Every time I looked at them together I'd remember those things. Even if he managed to put on the appearance of this baby being another loved child of the family, I'd always know.
I think this would signal the end of my marriage.

trulyunruly01 · 07/06/2023 08:15

I'm not saying that either one of you can't be shocked and surprised by the news. And of course questions like "are other options off the table", "how could it happen", "how will we manage", "how will we all squeeze in here", "what about that promotion you were hoping for", "how will we cope if your mental health takes a dive again"
All those discussions are sensible and valid, but such vitriol - no.

Grumpigal · 07/06/2023 08:17

Jesus your DH is a nasty piece of work.

But now you know right, if you previously thought you were in a relationship with your best friend, a person who would support you through the hard times, be there for you no matter what and never turn their back on you - well now you know that you’re not.

Now you know you are in a relationship with an emotionally immature, selfish, sexist piece of shit, whose support and love is conditional on your actions being aligned with what they want. If they’re not aligned, he will treat you with utter contempt and disgust.

It’s a terrible place to be OP but take one positive from it - you now know who he REALLY is.

Original poster
Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 08:19

DogInATent · 07/06/2023 08:08

Until three weeks ago neither of you wanted a third child. Not many couples double-up on contraception, so the vasectomy comments from PP aren't making any useful contributions here.

He is being utterly unreasonable not to have adjusted to the idea at least to the point where the histrionics stop and he can hold a rational discussion about it. Is there something either you're not saying or that he's not said to you? - are finances tight already? Is his job secure? When he says he doesn’t want to share you again was there something in particular about the early years period for one or both of your sons? (I'm guessing they're now both just settled in primary school).

He needs counselling, or at least some form of support. I can't help thinking that this is just a trigger point and not the underlying cause of his reaction.

We both have full time jobs - I bring home more than him, so maybe that a worry as I’ll be the one off work. But we are by no means going to go without.

I have extremely supportive family so if anything were to happen that would put us under strain they would help.

No nothing. I basically did it all myself with the occasional help at night from him when they were both tiny. So I’m not sure.

No, I went back to work after 9 months with both and they both went to nursery/ my family. We have less support for childcare in the day now but I have a differ job so that wouldn’t matter.

I could understand if he was scared, because I am too. But to be how he’s being and saying what he’s said is breaking my heart!

OP posts:
trevthecat · 07/06/2023 08:20

I don't know how he is still living in the same house as you. He needs to go, you both need space to think.

Also, please think of how his attitude will affect your dc. This could be massively damaging for them. You need him to go for their sake

Phoenix1Arisen · 07/06/2023 08:20

My husband did exactly this to me, even down to the same blustering and threats. I categorically refused an abortion and he did eventually come round and in the final analysis was a good father to the child.

However, the 10 weeks it took him to come to terms with it, during which he spoke not one word to me, did untold damage to the foundations of the marriage and looking back, I can see his conduct was like a tiny worm eating away at the bonds of love and trust. We eventually divorced.

That child is now my much loved 40 year old daughter but in my heart I know that I have never truly forgiven my husband's cruelty.

FelisCatus0 · 07/06/2023 08:23

DogInATent · 07/06/2023 08:08

Until three weeks ago neither of you wanted a third child. Not many couples double-up on contraception, so the vasectomy comments from PP aren't making any useful contributions here.

He is being utterly unreasonable not to have adjusted to the idea at least to the point where the histrionics stop and he can hold a rational discussion about it. Is there something either you're not saying or that he's not said to you? - are finances tight already? Is his job secure? When he says he doesn’t want to share you again was there something in particular about the early years period for one or both of your sons? (I'm guessing they're now both just settled in primary school).

He needs counselling, or at least some form of support. I can't help thinking that this is just a trigger point and not the underlying cause of his reaction.

OP wouldn't need anything if he had a vasectomy, so no need to double up. It's his sperm that got her pregnant, so his responsibility to have a vasectomy. And I'd make sure he knows you're not going back on contraception so he better have the vasectomy by the time the baby's born otherwise there'll be no sex going forward. He is too lazy to do something about his sperm, and dares to blame you! The lazy CFer!

Malificent1 · 07/06/2023 08:23

What a revolting little man child.

Tell him that his behaviour is making you see him in a very different light and that it’s making you question your future together. Take back control and let him panic and worry about the relationship. What an absolute fucking Prince.

Snugglemonkey · 07/06/2023 08:24

Nicecow · 07/06/2023 04:01

I think you should both seek counselling. Going against the grain here, but if you have a good relationship then maybe you can work it out and at the very least see each other's point of views. Its also fair that he doesn't want a baby, and also fair that you do. All the best.

It is fair that he does not wantca baby, but his behaviour is unacceptable and certainly not fair at all. He is acting like a spoilt child and bring utterly disrespectful. He is handing responsibility to op, when she actually took steps to reduthe chances of pregnancy while he did fuck all. He is a dick. I would not be able to respect him again, so this relationship would be over for me.

Selfietaker · 07/06/2023 08:29

He's being very controlling. I would not take his views into account.

PumpkinQueen1 · 07/06/2023 08:30

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 05:27

I have also mentioned counselling, he isn’t willing to do it as apparently what he would say there is 10 times worse and if I’m getting upset now there is no point.

He’s been acting the same until I told him I couldn’t have an abortion then boom, he changes into this person I don’t know anymore!

One minute he’s getting his head round it best he’s back to saying he resents the baby, it’s the worst thing ever, he’s praying it goes away on it’s own (which I have tried to explain to him would have an effect on me) he says he cares about me but not ‘it’ - doesn’t seem it to me.

I’ve tried to pacify him and talk through all the options so we still get time to ourselves ect but I’m just getting to the point where it’s too upsetting! He’s nearly 32 for goodness sake!

sorry for ranting, I know there’s no real answer!

I think you need to cut your losses and separate now OP. Don't put yourself and your children through this.

Better to do this alone, than have to constantly try to pacify a tantruming man-baby, while dealing with your own shit.

Even if he had a change of attitude after your baby is born, would you be able to forgive him for the way he has treated you, and the awful things he's said while you were pregnant and vulnerable? I certainly wouldn't.

I would tell him he's ruined his own life, by acting like a total fucking bellend.

MammaTo · 07/06/2023 08:32

I can understand his frustration if he really thought he was done having kids. You’ve been on contraception - which yes I know isn’t 100% but no form of contraception is!

The way he’s gone about discussing it with you sounds AWFUL but i wonder if he’s just blown up out of shock - a newborn is a massive undertaking with 2 kids already, you’re going back to the start all over again.

I think you need to take his thoughts into consideration as it will take 2 of you to parent (if you have the baby) and just because the contraception didn’t work I think it’s unfair to make someone have a baby they don’t want.

MatildaTheCat · 07/06/2023 08:33

@Pippin18 I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s time for you to take control and ask/ tell him to leave for a while. He’s putting you under intolerable stress and it’s unacceptable.

He needs to go (his parents?) and get some professional advice on managing his feelings.

He seems to be calling all the shots, telling you how it will be. Not ok. Get very, very angry and start telling him what you want and need. You and your family which now includes another tiny person.

Best wishes to you.

Crayfishforyou · 07/06/2023 08:34

Don’t let him call any more shots. He does not get the privilege of flouncing about doing what he wants and treating you badly.
Tell him to get out, and maybe with space he will realise what a cunt he’s being

Emotionalsupportviper · 07/06/2023 08:35

AngelAurora · 07/06/2023 00:12

Just kick him out, how bloody dare he treat you like that. It's your body and your choice. What an awful man. We are all here for you OP, you do what you want, do not let him bully or manipulate you, he sounds awful.

This!

How dare he indeed.

This is your body, and your emotions, so it's your choice. And having fathered two children already, knowing what little miracles of evolution they are, and how conceiving and carrying a child affects you, his wife, he is being brutal.

Yes- there are women who decide for whatever reason that they can't, or don't want to, have a child. That is their choice, because it is their body - they are the ones who must take the risks of pregnancy and childbirth; but this is not a choice for someone who is physically unaffected by the pregnancy (and the emotional changes is brigs with it) to make.

If he was so very adamant that he never wanted a third child why didn't he get a vasectomy immediately after your second? It's by far the least unreliable method of conception.

YOU decide whether you want to go through with this pregnancy. If you are coerced into a termination against your own instincts, this could affect you both physically and mentally.

FelisCatus0 · 07/06/2023 08:37

MammaTo · 07/06/2023 08:32

I can understand his frustration if he really thought he was done having kids. You’ve been on contraception - which yes I know isn’t 100% but no form of contraception is!

The way he’s gone about discussing it with you sounds AWFUL but i wonder if he’s just blown up out of shock - a newborn is a massive undertaking with 2 kids already, you’re going back to the start all over again.

I think you need to take his thoughts into consideration as it will take 2 of you to parent (if you have the baby) and just because the contraception didn’t work I think it’s unfair to make someone have a baby they don’t want.

If he didn't want another baby he would have had a vasectomy. It's that simple.

HE made the OP have a baby. It's HIS sperm. No one made him become a father again. He did it to himself. Don't dare make him out to be a victim. This is 100% his fault.

JRWM · 07/06/2023 08:40

I’m sorry, this man is emotionally abusive. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions: I’m not talking pregnancy here - he is putting all of the responsibility for decisions on to you based on his statements where he is actually already choosing and making decisions and manipulating you to feel that it is all your choice. I am shocked your midwife isn’t supporting you further than suggesting counselling.
You are incredibly strong and I wish you all the best with your pregnancy - the baby is lucky to have a Mum like you.

PumpkinQueen1 · 07/06/2023 08:40

MammaTo · 07/06/2023 08:32

I can understand his frustration if he really thought he was done having kids. You’ve been on contraception - which yes I know isn’t 100% but no form of contraception is!

The way he’s gone about discussing it with you sounds AWFUL but i wonder if he’s just blown up out of shock - a newborn is a massive undertaking with 2 kids already, you’re going back to the start all over again.

I think you need to take his thoughts into consideration as it will take 2 of you to parent (if you have the baby) and just because the contraception didn’t work I think it’s unfair to make someone have a baby they don’t want.

I think it's far worse to try to make someone have an abortion that they don't want.