Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

[Pippin18]

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

Wow your husband sure as hell doesn’t come across as a great one . I do get and respect his worry but to actually say I won’t help or want this baby or have anything to do with him . Wow ! You need to evaluate this relationship, is this the sort of men you want as a father to your children ?
just to put in perspective , I’m 40 and hubby is 42 , we just found out I’m pregnant , completely shocked , we have between us 2 young adult kids , a 16 , 7 and 2 year old . We wanted no more kids but just like you I couldn’t get myself to do an abortion. He has been nothing but supportive , yes we discussed why we where scared , lack of time for us , needing to move etc but he was nothing but supportive , if anything he accepted better than me .

The way he's behaving is appalling. It's one thing for him not to want another child - that's his perogative. But he's using guilt and emotional manipulation to try and force you to abort, which you absolutely do not have to do, matter how much he insists. I understand that one partner wanting the baby and another one not is an extremely difficult position for everyone to be in, but that's something to work out in counselling, not by threatening suicide.

At first I read your post OP and I was 50/50 whether your DH was an arshole or just petrified. having read all of your posts I’m 90% sure he’s an arsehole. How dare he? Isn’t the whole point of marriage to be in it together? For better and for worse? Indeed, if he was so adamant that he didn’t want another baby then he should have had a snip. I wouldn’t rush into any decisions but would tell him that he has a deadline to go and sort himself and his attitude. This little baby is not ‘it’… this little baby deserves to be loved and cared for like the other two children.
Circumstances change. What if something happened to you? Would he be around to care for you or will he check out blaming you for ruining his life?
You really did nothing wrong, this whole thing sucks. So huge hugs and from one people pleaser to another - you did even you could, you’re a very good mother and you have your prioritises right. You are not the reason your marriage hit rock bottom, your DH is. You’re willing to work through it, you DH isn’t. You’re being mature and your DH is being childish.

I could totally sympathize with someone in your husband's position but the way he's been acting is so unreasonable. He just comes across as nasty. I don't understand what he thinks he's achieving by it. If he thought it would lead to you having an abortion then why did he agree to let the children know? I just don't know how you can recover from this. If you did have a miscarriage or he did fall in love with the baby then there would still be this bad unresolved feeling between you both.

Your post reminds me a case I had at work ( divorce ) he behaved exactly like this when ste got pregnant when the second , he so t in to be awful with the baby and they got divorced , she eventually found out he was having an affair and planning on leaving . Is this a possibility??
Either way OP , personally I would never forgive him for this . You need to preste to throw him out , he is not a great time model , he sounds like a monster

If you lost this baby, not in some small part due to the stress and anxiety he's putting you through, would your marriage recover? Time to get angry. Time to channel that anger into ensuring your health and wellbeing are prioritised. Time to withdraw your energies from engaging with this selfish man. Focus on the job in front of you.

Are you for fir real ? The op clearly w até this baby , you think she should abort because the men who is clearly a waste of oxygen is ants nothing to do with the baby ? Do you know how many kids have no contact with their dad ? And grow up just fine because , guess what it’s not their fault and they know that .

Yeah, I was about to say the same. Friend of mine had exactly this situation with an unplanned 4th pregnancy. Husband went ballistic, refused to have anything to do with baby. She was adamant she'd not abort. He left and months later it came out he'd been having an affair with a student.

What an unbelievably stupid and selfish man.
Choosing not to use his own contraception, choosing not to get a vasectomy and choosing to abandon his child, and upset his other two, and ruining his marriage, all whilst playing the victim.

he is incapable of taking any action to prevent a child he doesn’t want, but expects you to sort it all for him after the fact.
you didn’t get pregnant on your own did you.
sorry you’re dealing with this op, I hope someone one around you irl can offer some support

I so agree with this.

This is awful for you. Keep the baby if that’s what you want to do, as for your husband, I’ve no words of advice I’m sorry, I just feel sorry for you having to deal with that behaviour.

....and just to add - his dither and delay on having a vasectomy might be due to wanting to hedge his bets if there is another woman (who might want a baby in future)?

Sorry OP, but I strongly suspect there's more going on for him than an unplanned pregnancy.

This is awful behaviour from him, it’s full on panic stations isn’t it? I wonder why he’s catastrophising like this? Is this his usual nature? It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s a consequence of sex, one you took the means to protect yourself over.

is there any way of getting him to have a rational conversation? Is he usually this anxious? He just seem to be really exaggerating the difficulties, he’s done this before with two kids. You’ve both coped. Although it does seem to me OP that you carry an immense load, what’s telling in your OP is that he doesn’t want to lose you to this child. But you’re not his to lose. He doesn’t own you. Neither do you exist for his pleasure, he needs help.

I think you need to take the power away from him. Ask him to leave, be factual. He cannot be in the family home whilst he is behaving like this. He can still see the boys etc. BUT he is not to be around you all, poisoning your children's mind and making you ill with worry and stress.

I'd also be issuing an ultimatum - unless he seeks immediate counselling and medical help the marriage is over. Although quite frankly the marriage would be over for me anyway. I'd never ever truly be able to trust or believe him if he had a sudden change of heart about the baby?

Stop hoping he'll come round, the damage has been done. Take action before it gets worse! Oh and make sure you don't downplay this to your family and friends, they need to know what a frightful cunt he is being.

I'm really sorry to read that your husband is being so unsupportive (to put it mildly)!

I suggest you stop engaging with him, as he is just thinking of himself and is no support to you atm. You've made your decision, so carry on with your life and leave him to sort his shit out himself. Stop trying to help him come to terms with it, let him do it on his own.

No one can know for sure, but I hopeonce baby is here he will come round, but that won't erase the memory of how he's behaved now and only you can decide if you can move on from it.

I wish you the best.

He needs a big wake up call.

He had sex and a baby was made. He should know that considering you already have 2. Contraception fails, if he wanted to be sure you'd have no more he should have had a vasectomy. If he doesn't want a fourth (because the same thing very much could happen again) he needs to go book himself one.

You didn't make this baby alone. The way he is behaving to you is appauling (and the opposite of how he vowed to on your wedding day!). The kids should never need to be told their dad is trying to come to terms with their new sibling. He should be the bloody adult! It must be so upsetting for the kids to live in this atmosphere. Ask him how he thinks his current behaviour is affecting the kids. Ask him how he thinks the kids are going to feel if they see him acting so horribly towards their younger sibling they love? He can't treat one child different from the rest. Its literally abuse.

He needs to go stay with his parents for a few days and decide if he's going to buck up his ideas and treat you and this baby with the respect you deserve, or if he wants to stay there. He is a dad of 3 whether he likes it or not. I'd tell him staying and playing dad only to eldest 2 isn't an option and he should be utterly ashamed of himself, this isn't the man who was your best friend and the man you married. He couldn't abandon one of his kids.

You’ve got to have this baby if that’s what you want.
Unfortunately, my DH had a very similar reaction to our first (unplanned) pregnancy and said he wished I’d have a miscarriage too. It killed me to hear how badly he thought of me, the baby and the situation and I had such awful self doubt. We didn’t have other children and I felt so guilty for “ruining his life” that I had an abortion, although I was much earlier in the pregnancy than you. If you’ve never had this pressure put on to you and someone that you love and care about making you feel so trapped and lonely when you need support, it’s really hard to imagine and it’s also really easy to say that you should do what you want to do (as I just have). But I speak from experience of having had an abortion that I didn’t want and then trying to repair a relationship that was so broken by the hurtful things that were said. It’s the most draining, dark and lonely place and I can only imagine how hard that would be with your other DC to put a brave face on for. I finally got my much wanted baby a few months ago after a horrific loss in between. She is the light of my life. Your baby will be too, just like your other DC are. Don’t have the abortion because of him, because you will regret it.

Our third was totally unplanned and I was dreading having to tell my husband. Eventually, I summoned the courage and " spilled the beans". I was worried about what his reaction would be but he said nothing, absolutely nothing only the way the colour drained out of his face, and I've never seen anybody turn so white since, was all I needed to know. Altho generally supportive and helpful he never mentioned the pregnancy unless prompted, never came to any of the scans and wasn't there at the birth!.

To be fair, he's never said anything negative or derogatory and has always treated all three just the same but I know it's not what he wanted.

Financially it was difficult for a while and three kids kept him in a job he hated, something he blamed himself for, for being so "irresponsible". It sorted itself out in the end but only through inheritance and I think that taught him a lesson he never forgot.

Would I have done anything differently? No, I love my son dearly and could never have had a termination but it came at a cost, and our relationship has changed in subtle ways. He's more thoughtful, serious even, and a lot less spontaneous and I don't think he entirely trusts me, not completely.

I've asked him several times if he's disappointed with me and our life together and he says not but I get the feeling he's made the best of it - a responsibility he had to face up to. It's depressing that a child can make somebody unhappy but as my sister said, " if you're presented with something like that where you have no choice or influence then you just have to get on with it. What more do you want from the guy, diamonds ?.

Hopefully OP, you can work it out together. Children should be a gift and not a problem.

If everything else in your marriage is normal, and he is an excellent father, I would put this down to a (very badly behaved) case of cold feet.

Whilst it would definitely impact on my opinion of him, I would not pander to him. Who does he think he is? He chose to have sex. Babies are a known consequence of having sex. He is as responsible as you are. You have not ruined his life.

But he is certainly behaving like a spoilt child.

I doubt he can maintain this. I would just ignore him, his behavior isn't going to change anything in terms of your circumstances and once he sees you are not going to react or be affected by his stupid threats, he will be forced to change his tactics.

And even if the worst case scenario is true (PP saying he is having an affair, an opinion which I don't share, BTW), again, this changes nothing except your opinion of him. You have said you don't want to terminate, and that's your decision.

He is behaving appalling, like an overgrown toddler. Ridiculous.

Hey OP
There are a lot of great posts here and everything I was going to say has been said but I just want to say that this is NOT your fault, you did not make this baby alone, YOU took precautions with the coil, he did not get a vasectomy (despite clearly not wanting more children)
He has shown his true personality now for me and I do not think I could stay with him regardless. I know you have children but staying is not always the best for them and you are always going to look at him differently now.

From what I've read, if a woman aborts due only to her partner, the partnership is never the same, so unlikely back to normal if you abort due to him only. I would think about what you want.

If it's a boy you will already have boys things so cheaper and if it's a girl you have both sexes so it's a win either way.

On the other hand given climate change smaller families are preferable.

So sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

I think actually it's quite straightforward. You have been very clear that an abortion is off the table, so that's that. I completely understand your decision and would make the same one myself. The thing he's not realising is that he's essentially forced you into a position of choosing between your baby and him, whilst simultaneously behaving in such a despicable, callous, unsupportive, cruel way that he's made himself about as unattractive a prospect as a life partner as possible. Why would anyone choose a man like that over and above a baby they want?

The next part is fairly simple too, really, if you can tune out all of his bullshit...

You are not "to blame" for the pregnancy. You were the only one who actually did anything to try and prevent it. He did nothing. As adults, we accept that no form of contraception is 100% effective and that pregnancy could occur as a result of vaginal intercourse. Decent men - that is, men who aren't raging misogynists - also accept that their are not in control of women's bodies and that if a pregnancy does occur, they have no right to coerce a woman into an abortion she doesn't want. They are in control of their own fertility, not women's. A decent man would also never refuse to acknowledge his own child. What a selfish, cruel man. YOU ARE NOT THE ONE BREAKING UP YOIR FAMILY; YOUR HUSBAND IS. Don't believe his bullshit. Refusing to allow your spouse to bully and threaten you does not make you responsible for the impact of his behaviour on the family. He's gaslighting you.

Your options are:

1. Stay together and allow him to drip poison in your children's ears about their youngest sibling, treat the new baby with contempt and refuse to pull his weight. All while you bring home the money!
2. Stay together and hope he gets his head round it and accepts the baby. But you'll never forget the things he said and I don't know how you could possibly come back from that. Especially when he's doing this to you at a time when you're grieving and dealing with sick family members.
3. Kick him out, focus on you and the kids, allow your family to spoil you and celebrate this new life with you. Get onto CMS and make sure he pays every penny he owes - that's his legal and moral obligation towards a child he created, regardless of all the "it's your choice" nonsense he will continue to spout. Enjoy your kids and your money and forget about this truly horrible man. You don't need to badmouth him, but you also don't need to lie for him. Your kids will realise what kind of man he is one day.

OP,

First off, protect yourself from him.

We really see the character of someone during difficult times.

This is who he really is.

Someone who would blame you, say utterly vile things and try and coerce you into doing something that I can utterly understand you do not wish to do.

Be crystal clear on this point, your baby will not have ended your marriage, the vile abuse of your husband will have.

I think you need to stop the appeasing of him.

Ask him to leave and give you space to think.

Sadly I think your marriage will not recover from this, so prepare yourself for it.

So vile is his behaviour that he will have forever broken your trust.

It doesn't surprise me that he did very little with your first two babies, at his core he is a deeply selfish, self absorbed excuse of a man.

Please reach out for support from family and friends, you so need their support.

I am so sorry for you.

Of course it will have been a shock, but his behaviour is so dreadful, it will be hard to move on from as you can never unsee and unhear how he has behaved.

You cannot evict somebody from their own property.

If he felt this way, he should have had a vasectomy. That's all there is to it. It was an accident, not a trick.

Tell him to snap out of it and buck his ideas up. He sounds extraordinarily selfish. The only circumstance that is problematic in your situation is his free time and his access to you. You should tell him that if he doesn't improve his attitude, you will have to think about throwing him out. Don't be passive in this and don't accept his tantrums.