Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant with unplanned baby, husband is adamant he doesn’t want it

437 replies

Pippin18 · 07/06/2023 00:07

Hello

i guess I’m looking for some advice.
I am 14 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby, only found out 3 weeks a go.
I was/am scared and anxious - we have DS1 6,7 in July and DS2 5,6 in December.
the baby is due in November.
we are 31&32.
failed mirena coil.

Husband wanted me to get an abortion I enquired but I couldn’t do it. Its has gotten me in a right state for 2 weeks. I told him yesterday I couldn’t do it and he went mad.

he wants nothing to do with the baby. Wishes I’d miscarry, I’ve ruin his life, suicidal thoughts ect

he’s a great dad to our boys but says he was enjoying his freedom and he doesn’t want to share me again!

he’s adamant he won’t help and he’ll regret the baby so won’t even look at it or do anything for it - it’s putting a massive strain on how I feel.

I’m so scared around the whole thing, it feels like a long time a go I was dealing with a newborn. Also I’m scared to know I don’t have any of his support.
he said he’ll be here for the boys but not this one.
he keeps saying he hopes I’ve made the right decision for me cos it’s for no one else!
he’s my best friend. We’ve got a solid relationship bar this huge thing!!
I know he’s got in my head cos it’s keeping me awake now.
with his help, love and support we’d be okay! We have more options for paid support now than ever before! - but I can’t see me getting that!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to achieve by this post, I’m just wondering if anyone else’s husbands have come round or if they stay like this?

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 07/06/2023 10:00

A conversation regarding “what happens if I get pregnant” should have happened before, not after. I believe your husband has a point, he did not want a child, he was assured you were on contraception, now he’s mad because he’s forced into having a child he did not wanted. You have two choices OP, abortion or divorce this guy and move on with your kids. There’s no “eating your cake and having it too”, with this situation.

Nsky62 · 07/06/2023 10:01

Is having the baby adopted a cotnsideration?

IkeaMeatballGravy · 07/06/2023 10:01

Have you got some real life support OP? Even if your husband is against it, tell your mum, friend, whoever you need to tell, you need to look after yourself.

Remember, you are the only one who actually tried to prevent pregnancy by having the coil. If he was adamant he didn't want any more children he could have got the snip.

RenegadeMrs · 07/06/2023 10:03

What a bind he has put you in. I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, but hope you find your way through this.

ohfourfoxache · 07/06/2023 10:04

I’m so sorry you’re going through this

Personally I think I’d chuck him out. Can he live somewhere else for a while?

Not only is his attitude affecting you but it’s affecting the boys too. It seems like he’s just saying whatever he wants without caring about the long term impact of his words and actions. If he’s away for a while then the impact can be limited and there might be a way back (when he grows the fuck up)

beachcitygirl · 07/06/2023 10:07

Nsky62 · 07/06/2023 10:01

Is having the baby adopted a cotnsideration?

Jesus wept. No. No. No.

Whatisthefuss · 07/06/2023 10:09

I don’t condone violence but how have you not punched him in the face and told him to get a grip . I really feel for you. He sounds a nasty piece of work and frankly if he’s not willing to help raise his own child and leaving you to it all then what difference would it make if you seperated.

if this is his intention to carry on acting like this, it’s a very long 9 months and if you did miscarry through stress of him then you wouldn’t forgive him and would he forgive himself wishing a baby to die ?

you need to leave him and show his actions and words aren’t acceptable . He’s treating you like a child . I would be well shot if my partner acted like that

MsRosley · 07/06/2023 10:10

If he was so opposed to having a child, he should have had a fucking vasectomy instead of leaving contraception up to you.

What a total arsehole.

MyTruthIsOut · 07/06/2023 10:11

Nsky62 · 07/06/2023 10:01

Is having the baby adopted a cotnsideration?

You think the OP will give birth to a baby that she wants and then just hand it over to someone else?

What on earth?!

Tdcp · 07/06/2023 10:13

Sandra1984 · 07/06/2023 10:00

A conversation regarding “what happens if I get pregnant” should have happened before, not after. I believe your husband has a point, he did not want a child, he was assured you were on contraception, now he’s mad because he’s forced into having a child he did not wanted. You have two choices OP, abortion or divorce this guy and move on with your kids. There’s no “eating your cake and having it too”, with this situation.

If he was that bothered about it he should have had the vasectomy. OP had an IUD.

Crunchymum · 07/06/2023 10:17

I've read some vile things on here but this is absolutely disgusting.

I couldn't get past it OP, and I think to be honest you'll hit that point soon. He is involving your young children in this.... I mean what kind of fucking monster alludes to young children that the baby in their mum's tummy isn't wanted? Of all the fucked-up-ness here and there is a ALOT this really stands out to me.

Is he trying to make your boys disengage from your pregnancy? Does he want them to follow his example and resent this baby?

Iwasafool · 07/06/2023 10:20

If my DD's husband behaved like that I'd want to kill him. How dare he upset you when you are at such a vulnerable time. I can't imagine how you can get past this, even if he falls in love with the baby when it is born you will never forget what he has said.

I hope you are getting lots of support from family and friends.

Keitharingsbitch · 07/06/2023 10:22

I'm so sorry this is happening. I don't even want kids but if my husband was trying to force an abortion on me my marriage would be over. I couldn't love somone who did this or have a life with them. I think for your own wellbeing and possible safety you should make moves to start the seperation. Sending love.

Iwasafool · 07/06/2023 10:25

Sandra1984 · 07/06/2023 10:00

A conversation regarding “what happens if I get pregnant” should have happened before, not after. I believe your husband has a point, he did not want a child, he was assured you were on contraception, now he’s mad because he’s forced into having a child he did not wanted. You have two choices OP, abortion or divorce this guy and move on with your kids. There’s no “eating your cake and having it too”, with this situation.

It isn't unreasonable to assume an adult male who is the father of two understands how pregnancies happen. So he did the deed, took the chance as no contraception is 100%, and now he can't cope with the consequences and wants to force the woman he is supposed to love to do something she doesn't want to do? He is so low it is hard to picture how low he is.

TeenLifeMum · 07/06/2023 10:25

I don’t know if I could ever move in from that behaviour. He can’t un do it and even if you had a termination at this stage, you’ll remember how he made you feel and forced you into the decision.

he is behaviour is beyond comprehension. It’s not the behaviour of a living partner. I’m so sorry it’s like this but love your 3 dc and focus on them.

Keitharingsbitch · 07/06/2023 10:26

Iwasafool · 07/06/2023 10:25

It isn't unreasonable to assume an adult male who is the father of two understands how pregnancies happen. So he did the deed, took the chance as no contraception is 100%, and now he can't cope with the consequences and wants to force the woman he is supposed to love to do something she doesn't want to do? He is so low it is hard to picture how low he is.

Show quote history

Absolutely this!

Also sorry didn't say congratulations op. I'm sure you will absolutely manage this on your own. Your family sound lovely and the boys sound excited

TwoWaits · 07/06/2023 10:28

It sounds like he’s trying to turn the boys against the idea and assign blame to OP therefore hoping to guilt OP into changing her mind. I’ve got to say he sounds highly manipulative and toxic. Does he have form for this kind of behaviour?

I think I’d tell him you’re willing to walk out and it’s him that’s ruined the family unit. I’d word it strongly and mean it because it’s true. He’s left you in an impossible situation. Like the counsellor said you have to go with which option you can cope with and as you abortion is ruled out for you (understandably given your situation) it’s not an option. So there’s only one option and he needs to know he’s ruined it all. Maybe some time alone with no partner, no two boys, no family home will wake him up a bit. I’d kick him out right now. You can tell the boys, daddy is going on a trip if you don’t want to get into it and upset them. And if he tries to manipulate and say you’ve kicked him out, then I’d tell him in private that he’s using the boys as a weapon and his behaviour is making you sick. Honestly, I’d be having no sympathy at this point.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 07/06/2023 10:32

To all the posters saying "he didn't need to get a vasectomy, the OP had the coil" do you always blame women for contraception failures?

Imagine two cars driving towards each other, both knowing that the likelihood is that they'll crash. Driver A applies the brakes, Driver B thinks "I don't want to crash, but I can't be arsed to apply the brakes, especially as the other person is already braking" so they do nothing.

The cars inevitably crash. Driver B claims that Driver A has destroyed his life, now he's going to have to spend money and time on the car that he wanted to spend on other things.

Driver A did everything they could to prevent the crash and Driver B did nothing, yet people pile on and also blame Driver A because she's a woman.

In case it's not obvious, Driver B is the man not getting a vasectomy/wearing a condom, despite knowing that could lead to a baby. Driver A is the woman who actively avoided the "car crash" of an unwanted pregnancy. Yet STILL people blame the woman 🙄

Sallyh87 · 07/06/2023 10:36

God what a sickening prick he is.

Not sure I could forgive him @Pippin18. I could understand being alarmed and even reacting badly but to be such a manipulative bully is unacceptable. He is trying to force you into a termination and also using your DC as weapons and not considering them.

Good luck and also congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope you get some peace and figure out how to deal with him.

ohfourfoxache · 07/06/2023 10:41

@StopMindlesslyScrolling i think I love you for that analogy

PollyPut · 07/06/2023 10:42

@Pippin18 I know a few people who had an unexpected child when they though their family was complete. one was a bit reluctant for the reasons you described (feeling like they had their life back and were in a routine), but they are happy now and wouldn't have changed it. At 31, you really shouldn't be overly concerned about disability in a baby.

Your H will grow a stronger relationship with his older two children when the baby comes.

As long as you can afford the third (which it sounds like you can) then keep going. You can do school runs with a baby if you need to (although not in the early days, you will need to heal) - they can go in their babygros - no need to worry about getting them dressed before school run!

Remember - it is your body.

FancyFran · 07/06/2023 10:45

Make sure you tell someone how your DH is behaving towards you. I hope to God he wouldn't be violent. I do know of a friend who was pushed down the stairs at 6 months pregnant. She had refused to abort. My late mother, a serving police officer intervened, sadly she went back to her partner. This was 27 years ago and the child is now a lovely grown woman. The dick husband has remarried but should have been in jail. He is the nastiest piece of work I have ever met. Make sure you and your children are safe.

cossie13 · 07/06/2023 10:46

I didn't want to just read and run.

I've tried to read all posts, and there are so many good points. @BMK makes a LOT of extremely good points. I query whether he is an only child. Not that this makes it ok for him to behave the way he is, but my ex was an only child and he asked me about abortion when we found out about our 2. There's a reason these men end up as ex's

Hope you find a resolution very soon OP, this can't be easy for you

BruhWhy · 07/06/2023 10:47

This is an extreme and over-the-top reaction - his feelings of not wanting a third baby are valid, but the way he's treating you is absolutely unacceptable.

My friend fell pregnant with their third accidentally, her pill failed. Her husband almost word-for-word told her what your DH is telling you. At 8 months pregnant she found out he'd been having a 2-year affair with a colleague and he'd been planning to leave. A baby threw a spanner in his plan, he'd already checked out of the relationship by the time she was pregnant and he was just livid he'd have to stay longer.

I'd be asking very serious questions about his commitment to your marriage. Either way though, this man is not your best friend and threatening suicide is abuse.

Nanny0gg · 07/06/2023 10:47

Nsky62 · 07/06/2023 10:01

Is having the baby adopted a cotnsideration?

Why on earth do you think the OP would be able to do that?