35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

Couples love to adopt new borns of available. Please do it.

Can you ask your midwife to help you access all the support you're entitled to? Free milk and veg vouchers, nursery funding for working parents, child benefit (which can be paid weekly to single parents), funded reusable nappy schemes.

I think that you need to do the best for you, parenting is hard but can be done without support. You do know that its ok to never speak to your family again, you are under NO obligations to do so! (pop over to the Stately homes thread)
I hope you get all the help and support from your midwives/team etc in order to make this decision and I wish you all the best with it as both ways its going to be hard.

And not to influence you in any, but I wanted to point out what may be a discrepancy with your post
"I know people say a child only needs love, but that really isn't true. I lived a childhood of abject poverty and it was miserable. I can't do that to another soul."

It doesn't actually sound like you had love and it already sounds like you are doing better than your family as you are considering your child's perceived needs first

Best of luck x

A baby is not a gift and they should remain with birth family if no abuse This is her baby and it sounds like op only wants to relinquish because of financial issues. She sounds like she would make an excellent selfless mother.

Please don’t rush into anything. Maybe this is best for you but just think about how you will feel giving the child up and living with the knowledge.

OP, lots of people trying to persuade you that you can do this if you wish and it is probably true. But also, I am sure there is a loving family out there that can also provide a loving environment for your child.

You need to do what’s best for you and the child and feel as little guilt about that choice as possible. Only you know how you truly feel and it is you that needs to live with the decision either way. I wish this wasn’t a choice you were having to make and I wish you had a better support system in place. Sending you hugs x

Don’t do it OP. As people have said, you’ll literally be relinquishing responsibility for your baby and handing it over to the state… and whatever happens thereafter will be totally out of your control.

The emotional trauma for the baby and you will be lifelong… and there’s no guarantee baby will have a better life in another family.

A baby won’t know if its mum is rich/ poor/ struggling until it’s a much older child… say 10 yrs old or something at least. Use this time to build your education/ work experience/ career.

@Delectable

Please do not say things like this

It's irrelevant what lots of couples would love to do

We aren't talking about kittens
It's a vulnerable woman and her baby

As others have said speak to your midwife and talk it through. It must be a tough decision. I would write down your reasons for this so that if the child gets in touch in the future and asks why? Not judging you.

You poor thing. Like others have said, there is support out there. Get in touch with your midwife, HV, ring social services - it's in their interest to keep baby with you too.

Someone else has mentioned the trauma in adoption, even in the absence of abuse. Unfortunately it would be traumatic for you both - you are the only thing your baby knows, he or she knows your smell, your voice etc. I hope this doesn't sound like a guilt trip - if adoption is what you genuinely wanted then I don't think it would be helpful to mention this, but it sounds like you do want your baby.

I was raised by a single mum. We had very little and my mum had no support from family. I know it was difficult for my mum at times, but she managed and we have always been close.

Wishing you all the very best whatever you decide, all I'd say is this isn't simply a financial decision.

I’ve seen adoption from a couple of angles.
A couple I know (aged 40s-50s, one a teacher, the other in healthcare) adopted a little girl aged 2.5. She was initially very nervous of being left
even for a moment but eventually everything went well. She did well at school and went to university.
However, in the meantime, when this child was 10 or 11 they decided to look at adopting again and were matched with a little girl who was about 7. She had been in care for several years prior to which she had been considerably neglected by her parents who were both drug addicts. She moved in with the family
with a view to adoption and it soon became clear that she had quite a lot of behavioural difficulties which the parents and elder adopted daughter were not able to cope with despite various consultations with specialists. They ended up terminating the placement. I don’t know what became of her and I always hope she found somewhere to be loved and people to
love her. I’m not an expert and of course I wasn’t there to see everything that happened but surely every child deserves a chance.
The two things that struck me about this particular case were: the girl came from a particular immigrant group (won’t say what as could be outing) and the adoption agency were keen to place her with someone with some sort link to that country. As soon as they heard that this couple had a regular holiday in the country concerned, that gave them an advantage. The couple were not from that group, they did not speak the language, the child did not speak the language and had never been to the country concerned (and never got to go with the couple) but the tenuous link was, if not the deciding factor, at least a major consideration. Also, this child moved in and, almost immediately, the family moved to a new town - meaning more upheaval and more adjustment (new house, new school, living with extended family). Hardly something that was going to settle her into her “Forever home”.
Of course it stands to reason that adoption of a young baby is different to adopting an older child and I’m not trying to make the OP feel guilty but adoption can have its downside as well as its upside.

That's a really unhelpful post. Leave the poor woman alone.

OP i feel desperately sad for you.

Remember though, your circumstances could change at any given moment, you WILL be entitled to help as a single mother.

Adoption is permanent. It's forever, your circumstances are not.

Thanks @Penniless - it's good to give OP all the information people like you can so she can make an educated choice rather than just the happy stories you see on the news or read in books sometimes.

There’s a lot of misinformation and anecdata on this thread. OP, I would repost on the Mn adoption board, where you will get a kind, knowledgeable reception. Most posters are parents by adoption, but there are birth parents and adult adoptees there too, and there have been other people posting in your position — have a look for them.

No love is not all a child needs however a child will be affected far more by the trauma of adoption than through being poor. Try and get some support and counselling.

Wishing you all the best, OP.

It is a really tough decision having to put your baby up for adoption and feel for you. Personally I think those people who have suffered in childhood grow to be amazing parents because they give their children the love they wished they had.
I understand why you want to give up your baby though, it is really tough having to start a career with a baby in tow. The cost of childcare itself is crippling and without any support it is even more difficult.
I would think through your options in terms of the adoption process whether you want to send cards and pictures or just a closed adoption. I agree that you should have counselling at is bound to leave a toll on your emotions.

Op has no guarantee her baby would go to a couple, or a straight couple. It's not something she should enter into lightly.

Giving the baby up will have life long implications for them both.

It you read the Ops posts the only reason she is considering it is money. Absolutely no guarantee if she gave the child up that it wouldn't still end up in poverty. Circumstances change, people become ill, can't work, couples split, there is no guarantee that the child would have a better life elsewhere.

Op is very close to giving birth. Possibly getting prenatal depression or just worried how she is going to cope.

She needs proper support and time to make the right decision for them both.

One of my colleagues was telling me her story of adopting her son and it was the most heart warming story I've ever heard. The birth mother knew it was the right decision for the baby.

Only you can know how you feel about being a mother, no one else's opinion is valid I'm afraid. I hope you can find the strength to do what is right for you. Remember to be kind to yourself op

Sending you lots of love and hugs. You dont need to explain anything to anyone whilst you make your decision. You are doing what you feel is best for your baby. Please talk this through with your midwife as she will be able to offer you the support to make the right decision for you and baby.

@solosunflower
I think you've been very brave to get to 35 weeks with so little support.
I think it would be very brave to 'keep' your baby.
I think it would be very 'brave to give your baby up' for adoption.
You may have had a tough childhood but you are clearly a thoughtful, hardworking & brave woman. Hats off to you x

What do you REALLY want?
If it's to keep the baby but you're scared about solo parenting, money, etc then speak to your midwife / GP about your fears. See what support is out there.

If it's genuinely 100% to have your baby adopted you need to speak to midwife too. Think about whether you want it to be 'straight after birth' or a few weeks after. Is there an option for a foster placement whilst you decide? would this make it harder or easier for you? What do YOU want for your life? Good luck xx

OP have you been feeling that you wanted to have your baby adopted from early on in the pregnancy or has it only started recently with the birth looming and it becoming more ‘real’? Are you having a last minute wobble or are you completely sure?

Many women feel terror at the thought of the massive responsibility of bringing up a child towards the end of pregnancy when it becomes more real. It’s totally normal.

If the only reason you want to have the baby adopted is due to worry about finances, the work involved, fear of ‘what ifs’, then I would urge you to go with your gut feeling of ‘can I love this baby and do my best’?

The fact you are so worried about the child’s future before he/she’s even born, that you think you need to give them to someone else who might be better than you, makes you seem like you would be a great mum even if you do decide to give the baby up.

That you already own your own home puts you in a better position than a lot of other parents in this day and age. Finances change, circumstances change, that goes for you AND prospective adopters.

Ask yourself if you won £1 million on the lottery on Friday would you still want to have your baby adopted?

Only you know will know the answer, and whatever decision you take will be valid but as PPs have said adoption may not be a utopia for your child and the father’s family may well get involved if they’re contacted by SS, they might be interested when the baby is here and whoever the child goes to will be out of your control.

I hope you can get some unbiased advice and come to the right decision for the both of you x

(ps, it's really hard, if you had a bad childhood, not to be scared silly that it will repeat for your children. It won't if you are conscious of the pitfalls).
Lack of money is very hard indeed but that is a circumstance that can change. Adoption is permanant. Get advice, do your research, be sure of facts.
Then make the best decision you can which is right for you, now & in the future x

Great advice on here O.P.

Sending you hugs xx