35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

OP my sister-in-law was adopted and she is so grateful her birth mother (who was 15, single and poor) gave her up to a family who could give her a wonderful life.

I think it's so brave and admirable of you.

Good luck and take care x

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

Talk to a midwife as your first port of call. They will help you get the details.

Also, you don't have to immediately go to adoption. You can also consider fostering until you are certain of your decision. My parents used to to do it, some children went on to be adopted. Others went back to their parent(s) when they were in a stronger position after a few months. Social services will help you and support you.

My friend was adopted. He had a lovely home. He has zero resentment towards his birth mother & understands she give him up for the right reasons at the time.

Anyone who judges you isn't worth your time or attention. It's your decision what's right for you and the baby.

look Into the option of adoption but also look at other options. if it’s mainly financial worries, could you get help with benefits and apply for maintenance.
speak to midwife about support available for you.
don’t rush into anything.
many mothers do parenting alone and cope under difficult circumstances.
it is your decision, try not to worry about anyone else. You shouldn’t feel guilty for doing what you feel is best for you and the baby if you do want to adopt.

Also your child wouldn’t have the life you endured, as already you are agonising over what’s best for baby. You know you want to give your child a better life than you had. You can change you life with or without a baby.
I hope you make the right choice for you both good luck x

Thank you for the thoughtful replies.

I have looked at universal credits. With everything I would have 1,200 a month. I have rang and spoken with them and have an email with the breakdown.

I feel completely hopeless. I've been thinking day and night ways to improve my prospects. And also the thought of involvement with my own family again terrifies me.

There is no one on the father's side. The father was in the care system himself and absolutely despises his mother for it. His own father is an alcoholic. They've all blocked me anyhow.

i had no involvement from fathers side either it was best for us, although difficult, we made our own happy life together with no bad influences.
yes I’ve been poor but we have never wanted for anything.

@LavenderFields7 - really? Why would you post that. When it’s very much a generalisation. Anyway. I’ve reported your post.

Because I have read the research papers 🤷‍♀️ it’s classified as one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences.

And also the thought of involvement with my own family again terrifies me.

It's not compulsory to have involvement with your toxic family just because you've had a baby (if you keep it). You can choose to remain no-contact, it doesn't matter what your family want it's solely your decision.

Lots of people are in a situation where they have zero support. They manage and not all their children are miserable, happiness depends on more than money, although you're right poverty itself isn't fun and it's no use pretending otherwise. That's not the same as saying because you're poor you can't have fun or the poor never have any fun, that isn't true. Are you aware of all the other things that come from being on a low income/on certain benefits/having a child? It's not only the universal credit, there's various other things suddenly become free or discounted once you're claiming one thing. I'm getting the feeling you don't know any other skint single parents and what sort of things there's help with, for both you and the child.

You're thinking logically about what's best and there's nothing wrong with this, but emotions can't be ignored and trying to do so messes a person up. Talk to people about this situation. Even if you decide adoption is best, you'll still need to deal with your emotions. Your mother is toxic, but she's not your baby's mother and doesn't need to ever meet your baby. You are your baby's mother, so your baby wouldn't have the same life you did for that reason. I wish you well with whatever you decide x

Wishing you Op all the best with a very difficult decision.
One of my good friends is adopted, had a successful adoption and has no problems with the decision their birth mother made. They feel she did what she had to do, in the difficult circumstances she was in at that time.

Honey it sounds like you are doubting yourself. You go ahead and make the best decision you can for you and your baby but please let me tell you that babies need their mum and very little else. You have time to get your shit together, you can do it, you have no idea yet how strong and capable you are but baby will show you. It sounds very much to me like you love baby a lot already. You are enough and it is totally normal to be shitting yourself. Your baby needs YOU and none of the pointless shit people spend money on. My advice would be to trust the process and ride the wave. Things are about to get great. Love will see you through. You are doing it and you can do it. X

OP, my husband was adopted at six weeks old. He is happy and his adoptive parents are his parents. If you feel this is the best option for you and the baby then you should not feel guilty at all. It is so hard and I really feel for you.

Adoption certainly isn’t all sunshine and rainbows and it’s not helpful to the OP to pretend it is.

Adoption starts from loss OP, and it is very rare that a child relinquished at birth would not have trauma as a result of this.

Do not rush into a decision, when you meet your baby you may feel very differently.

Hey, just wanted to say there are no perfect options here - struggling financially isn't easy but neither is adoption (for you or baby). Family is more than practicality. Any child would prefer being with a loving poor parent to being adopted (speaking from experience).

I also get that sometimes there's a feeling of punishing yourself by thinking you don't deserve the baby and they would be better off with someone else - but that's something to really think about because it affects the child, too.

Hope you're ok x

@SilverCatStripes what a load of rubbish. I don't even know where to start with telling you how wrong you are.

Hello.
I wanted to pop on and give you something to think about from other perspectives.
My partner and I are infertile.
We are on paper the ideal couple that you would want your baby to go to.
After 7 years of fertility treatment we finally got our longed for baby girl and I have to say it has been hard work!
We have had financial support and a bit of family support but not much.
I have cried a lot, snapped at my screaming baby a few times and generally been exhausted and found it hard even with a partner.
We both work so baby is in nursery full time now at 8 months.
It will be a few years before we are back to being financially stable and can afford holidays etc.
The point I'm trying to get across is that everyone struggles with a new baby.
I know someone who had a baby young and was a single parent on benefits and now has been to uni and earns the same as me.
Of course the decision is upto you and must be an incredibly tough one to make!
Just be aware that this rainbow couple you imagine may not be any better emotionally or financially than you have the potential to be!
Sending you hugs. I hope your midwife and health visitor are supportive whatever you decide xx

I am sure that the OP has considered how hard it will be, she doesnt need you pointing it out. Her initial post asked for how to go about it, not whether she should do it or not. Your opinion wasnt requested.

op

im pretty sure that the birth father gets a say in this - what do you think he would say if the authorities asked for permission to adopt the child?

I don't think this has got anything to do with the birth father - he washed his hands of the baby as soon as he heard OP was pregnant!

Op I had a baby on my own after the father disappeared. No family around, very little support. I went back to work when she was 10 months and did some study in the evenings when she was 2.

It wasn't easy but she certainly hasn't had a deprived life or lived in poverty. I too grew up like that and was determined that would never be my life again.

Keep on keeping on the law cannot be dictated by your personal view

I wish you all the best with this very difficult situation @solosunflower
I had children very young my mother was awful and I've had nothing to do with her for most of my adult life- my choice.
Of course it would be hard if you decide to keep the baby but that doesn't mean you can't be a good mother.
I think you would find support from other women in your situation that you would tend to meet because of the activities that you do with your child.
I wish you all the best whatever you decide🙏💙

You aren’t a loser. Please don’t think that.

The way adoption works in the UK is very different to how you see it on American tv and films.

You don't get to choose an adoptive couple that the baby will go to at birth.
(Which could be just 2 weeks away!)

If you walk out of hospital and relinquish your parental rights the local authority will make decisions based on prioritising the baby not your feelings or views.

They are duty bound to consider all bio relatives first.

Then the baby would be put in foster care, probably for a few months while the adoption process was taking place.

If they find out/know who the dad is they can't have the baby adopted without his consent. The baby will just go to dad as default.

There's a reason there are so few 'voluntary' adoptions in the Uk.